Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
“Our data suggest that blonde women are not only assumed to be younger than their darker haired counterparts, but are also judged to be less independent-minded and less willing take a stand than other women and than men,” she writes. “In other words, Barbie can be CEO as long as she is young and/or docile, or being blonde might allow her to be older and more forceful than she otherwise could be.”
“If women are choosing to dye their hair blonde, there’s something strategic about the choice,” she said. “If the package is feminine, disarming and childlike, you can get away with more assertive, independent and [stereotypically] masculine behavior.”
The conclusion of these studies—that people are better able to stomach a female leader if they perceive her to be gentler, less demanding, and weaker-willed than her dark- or gray-haired peers—aligns with earlier research on black men in positions of power."
I've always wanted to object at a wedding, but nobody ever does it IRL. Here's a case where someone tried...
"My ex decided to get married for the 5th time. (I was #2). She worked at the same place as our son and was about his age. My ex had known her for 2 weeks. She talked him into paying for a boobjob the week before and was still bandaged at the backyard wedding. His neighbor, who had been dragged into the messy breakups of marriages #3&4, came to wedding #5, beer in hand and kept calling out from the audience - "Can I object NOW?" My ex kept telling him to keep quiet and the neighbor kept on asking. The marriage imploded in less than a year. His friends and the neighbor came to a gathering at the ex's house and on cue held up signs that read- CAN WE OBJECT NOW? Absolutely true story and a source of endless amusement in our small town."
"My cousin got married almost 10 years ago. He had a female "best man" who was an old "friend" from college. Add a lot of alcohol to the mix & cue up the speeches... She gets up in front of 300 plus people and begins to talk about all the good times she and my cousin had shared & vacations taken together. She begins to cry and talks about how she's sad that now he belongs to another woman. My uncle who also enjoyed the open bar, says in a LOUD mock whisper voice, "Oh, he so did her". The bride to her credit managed to keep a tight smile on her face during the whole fiasco."
Not so ha.
Now, here's a question of priorities:
"The problem: the bride has decided to send out her wedding invitations on flimsy, cheap postcards. I cannot describe how inappropriate they are, and not in a camp way. Her parents are immigrants who came from a very poor country, but have done well in the US. I wonder if using postcards is a cultural difference. Is there any way to tactfully suggest that wedding invitations are traditionally mailed in envelopes? My son is very passive and simply does not care. I would never hurt his fiencee's feelings, but this has just set my etiquette hair on fire...
"My brother got married two years before me and his wife is a piece of work. She thinks her wedding was the end-all-be-all, and gives hour long accounts of how awful and not as great as hers every wedding she goes to is. Cue my wedding, and as soon as she sees my venue she starts trying to sabotage my wedding. Telling me I'm doing everything wrong, how ugly everything is, that I'm not properly following themes, that I need to provide transport, top shelf alcohol and full on gifts for each guest. Sending me pictures of black dresses with slits down past her belly button she wants to wear. The final nail in the coffin of our relationship was when I was complaining about how my momzilla had screamed at me in front of guests at Christmas because I didn't like her restaurant choice for the shower, and SIL forwarded all of our text messages to my very dramatic motherzilla, because 'she needed to know what I was saying about her'. My momzilla cried for a week and cancelled my shower. My brother didn't end up coming to me wedding either because I wouldn't invite his wife unless she apologized.
A: Carolyn Hax
Wonder where your brother got the idea to marry an unstable attention hound."
"My mother-in-law wasn't so excited about anyone marrying her son and made her opinion clear by ignoring the save the date, the invitation and multiple phone calls prior to our wedding. We offered to pay for her trip out, or help make the wedding financially more feasible as well, but she still refused to respond. She finally sent us a text three weeks before the wedding saying she wouldn't be able to make it. The day before the ceremony, however, she took the time to make multiple Facebook posts about how she'd spent all day "walking to the mailbox and hoping there would be an invitation and plane tickets there." Sigh."
What a peach.
"I planned 5 weddings before I could get my husband to finally settle on one. He always pulled out as soon as it came time to put down a deposit. I arrived at our engagement pictures sobbing that we had to cancel, b/c my husband balked at the $200 cost (!) at the last minute. No one in my husband's family attended our wedding. His sister just wasn't interested in going to the specific location we had chosen. His brother was going to go, but backed out by telling his mom 2 weeks beforehand. Right after that, his mom backed out. His dad was never going to go. The excuses from his parents were: no one to care for the dog, doesn't want TSA looking at her naked body, doesn't want to die on a plane, can't afford it (all she had to cover was a $300 ticket). His sister ended up buying his mom a big screen TV for a few hundred dollars to make her feel better."
"My parents divorced when I was 8. Through the years, my parents avoided each other with fairly typical resentment and indifference in spite of necessary contact over the kids but spurred along by my stepmother. 30 years later at our rehearsal dinner, my fiancé and I are standing with my mother when my father walks up with his game face on. Good man; he's not usually social and even his wife had less of a scowl than normal. Smiling, he offers his hand to my mother and says "Hi, I'm Frank, Rebecca's father. Welcome! And how do you know my daughter?" I'm standing there gob smacked realizing that my Dad didn't recognize his ex. Before I could recover, my Mom leaned over, took his hand and said to him "Well Frank, nearly 39 years ago we had sex, and voila!", gesturing to me. Seeing the look on my father's and stepmother's face made me just know that my wedding would be satisfyingly epic."
"At a wedding I was a bridesmaid in the parents of the bride came in a week early to 'help'. Fast forward to the father of the bride being difficult in every possible way. First he crashed the pool party the bride and groom threw for the bridal party before the wedding, stayed for three hours and tried telling horrific stories about his own bowel movements while the bride tried to desperately change the subject. Then at the rehearsal, while the bride is freaking out because her groom can't stop throwing up and the wedding is in 24 hrs, he confronts the bride about why wasn't he walking her down the aisle? The MOB had asked about it over 6 months prior and had been told she'd be walking by herself. The bride confronted her about it and the MOB said 'it wasn't my place to say anything'."
"The car sold particularly well among women — according to VW, women accounted for nearly 70 percent of the car's buyers. But it appeared to gain perhaps too strong of a reputation for cuteness, ending up few male buyers.
By 2011, the company had redesigned the Beetle to be more streamlined, more angular and “more masculine,” as Volkswagen’s head of design said. It also removed the flower vase."
"We have a lot more men knitting—not as many as women, but they get more attention if they’re knitting. A guy knitter! But a lot of them are knitting to make something for a girlfriend or to make something you need that not everyone else has: skateboarder hats, ski hats. There are a lot more guys knitting. It’s not a stigma anymore. Last year, I had a guy from Sac State. His assignment was to take a class where he’d be made really uncomfortable. And so he thought a knitting class. … Tattooed, bald, beard, big guy—kinda scary. He came to class and everyone was just like, “Oh nice to meet you.” Everyone was helpful and nice. At the end of class, he said, “I thought it would be different.”
So it didn’t make him uncomfortable? That’s really funny.
Knitters are so inclusive and not judgmental—most of the time. … One day, I was at the store and three big, rough-looking guys rushed through the door and I thought, “Oh, I’m gonna be robbed.” And they were the cutest, nicest guys. They were in to buy yarn for crochet. It really has changed."
The class was saved, Goldsmith wrote, when the students stopped wasting time on the Internet as they normally would, by themselves, and started finding ways to do it together, as a group. The book even includes a class-generated listicle of 101 ways to “waste time” online.
“People say that technology creates distance between people,” Goldsmith wrote of the class. “But we found it to be just to opposite: Our physical and emotive experiences were intensified through our devices.”
"Personally, I find the contempt implied by Bill Clinton’s laziness marginally refreshing. The recipe contest originated as a way for Hillary Clinton to prove that, despite not doing so as her primary occupation, she was capable of turning out baked goods. By sending in the same recipe election cycle after election cycle, the Clintons manage to communicate that they can clear the basic bar of keeping a cookie jar stocked but that they’re too busy to keep expanding their repertoire."