Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
"Sure, they kill their enemies. But they also resurrect them, provide them protection and meaning, with neither sustenance nor suffering a concern any longer. Free will is overrated; just look at Westeros as we know it.
Think about the White Walkers’ treatment of the boys of Craster, the cruel wildling lord who killed all of his incestuous male children to avoid siring a challenger. Audiences assumed Craster was giving the boys up to be eaten or dismembered or made part of some evil ceremony. Instead, we see a White Walker lord gently cradling the baby, taking him to his ice castle. There, the Walkers do not feast upon his entrails or sacrifice him. No, they make him one of their own. They bring him into the fold.
Compare that behavior with what we’ve seen from literally every other house on “Game of Thrones.”
“Bro, I texted you like FIVE OR SIX TIMES and you didn’t send SHIT.”
Also, those two lines were a deliberate blank, which means that they are absolutely censoring a swear. I’ll pause to let you imagine Hamilton sitting over the paper, quill in hand, thinking, “Well, I could use ‘asshole’ or ‘motherfucker’… no, I’ll just leave it blank so he can fill it in himself. LIKE INSULT MADLIBS.”
"1) The stories that people tell about your parents are usually unreliable.
2) The stories that you tell about your parents are usually unreliable.
3) If you are being hunted down by a former friend and colleague and want to hide where he will be sure not to find you, you should move next door to where he grew up and change your first name. Just the first name.
4) If you are suddenly stranded with a child whose parents have perished in tragic circumstances and/or suddenly become unfit to care for him, the appropriate people to give them to are one parent’s colleague from work and the step-brother of the other parent who has literally met him only a single time. Don’t worry: he will definitely say yes to raising this child.
5) It is safest to conduct your romantic life as though anyone and everyone you meet could potentially be related to you, especially if this person has introduced herself by telling you only her first name.
6) Some people just have first names. Some people just have last names. Don’t worry about this. It’s fine.
7) If you want to hear good, live Benny Goodman-esque swing music, the best place is a tiny dangerous cantina in the middle of a small desert town filled with scum and villainy.
8) In the course of your life, you will probably lose at least one arm, but this won’t affect you at all except you might stare meaningfully at where it used to be when you’re about to make an important life choice.
9) Never worry if troops are shooting at you. They will not hit you.
10) If you ever meet and go on a journey with a wise older man, full of useful life advice, who is the mentor you always wanted, he will be killed in front of you. There are no exceptions to this rule.
11) If your massive weapon of tremendous power that takes a long time to construct and a long time to charge has been destroyed by a small band of plucky pilots, you must rebuild it, but bigger, and in such a way that it takes even longer to charge. These are the only changes you are allowed to make. You can’t NOT build it. You can’t build it smaller. You can’t make charging it less complex. These are not options. And if it gets destroyed again, you must build it again, but even bigger. You must continue to do this forever. Even if your entire regime has fallen, the work must continue. If necessary, you must reassemble a new generation of people simply to do this. You must never stop to ask why. There is no why. Maybe you have been cursed? Maybe if someday you build a weapon as large as the universe itself you will finally be allowed to rest.
12) All important moral choices will come clearly labeled. If someone wants you to do something evil, they will explicitly ask you to join “the Dark Side.” Until and unless someone asks this, you are morally in the clear, even if you just straight-up murdered somebody. Especially if you just straight-up murdered somebody.
13) People who are evil realize they are evil and color-code themselves and their weapons accordingly.
14) Every generation, everyone will entirely and completely forget all Significant Political Events, including the existence of entire religions, and start again from scratch.
15) No matter what has come before in the plot, you will be able to resolve most of your problems by blowing something up. If you can’t, this means there are still more episodes to come.
16) If you have ever stood or sat in the sand and stared wistfully at the horizon, congratulations: you are already a great pilot who possesses a power most people don’t understand and could never have!
17) Most major problems and conflicts in the galaxy can ultimately be traced back to one family that probably ought to get its act together.
18) Dig deep enough into any regime, and there is always a sinister, pale old man in a dark robe who is controlling everything. There are no exceptions to this rule."
"Think of the Apollo astronauts, Roach told me. “Basically every one of those marriages ended in an ugly divorce with a nasty tell-all memoir.” And those missions took only 12 days at most! (Plus a few months of isolated training.) The problem, Roach went on, was that “the whole era was very stage-managed. The wives became a publicity tool for NASA. They had a contract with Life magazine and basically had to be happy and smiley and serve cookies, but really, on the inside, they were like, ‘Fuck you! You’ve been gone for six months, and I haven’t seen you, and now you’re back and doing ticker-tape parades, and people think you’re a hero, but you don’t care about your kids, and you’re fucking everything that walks, and I still have to be on television smiling in my Pucci outfit.”
"The terrible paradox of growing up around people who tell you directly, over and over again, that your feelings don’t matter, is that the only way to assert your right to have feelings at all is by acting like a huge asshole. They’ve essentially given you no choice, because every tiny protest is met with the same response: “Your needs don’t matter, and in fact you’re an asshole for mentioning your needs at all.” No wonder it’s hard to tell whether you’re being an asshole or just being a regular person. Emotionally, you’re in a straightjacket, wrapped in heavy chains, packed into a tomb, and submerged in a shark tank. You either have to magically become Houdini overnight, or you have to burn it all down, yourself included."
"Okay, let’s get a few things straight. He’s a prince, not a guy running a hotel. No one has the obligation to let a stranger stay at their place, and the only time having a rose means a lady gets a free night in a mansion is on The Bachelor. Imagine a gross old lady comes to your house tonight and offers you a flower she pulled from your front lawn in exchange for sleeping at your place. Would you let her? If you answered yes, congratulations on being murdered.
Seeing as the magical timepiece rose is just about run out of petals, we can go backwards and infer that the prince that turned a strange lady away from his house in the middle of the night was a ten-year-old. A ten-year-old who made a responsible decision because clearly in this shitty monarchy, he was put in charge of a whole castle.
What sophomore in college has found eternal, curse-breaking love? I sure hadn’t. I was just learning that red wine makes morning classes much, much more unpleasant. Trying to find love is hard enough if you’re a socially adjusted, normal looking person without fangs or fur; forcing a literal beast to find someone to love him before he’d be legally allowed to drink in the United States is a rigged game."