Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
"The reasonable person will reply, "But that's not saying anything about guns, Cracked -- if depressed people want to kill themselves, they'll just find another way!"
Actually ... no, they won't. Whether guns are legal or not, whether you believe in gun control or not, here's the most important reason you'll ever hear for not keeping one in your home. It has to do with ovens.
In the first half of the 20th century, ovens in England used to burn coal gas, which happened to be completely lethal in concentrated doses and was thus the preferred way to commit suicide. By the late 1950s, sticking your head in the oven accounted for nearly half of all suicides committed in England. By the early 1970s, these ovens had been phased out, so nobody was surprised to see coal gas fall out of the top ten British suicide methods (one of Cracked.com's least popular recurring articles). So what did all of those suicidal people do instead? In a startling number of cases, they just went right on living. The suicide rate dropped by a third, and it never went back up.
Wait, really? The decision to off yourself is kind of a big one, isn't it? It's not the sort of thing you just wait to do when the opportunity arises and your schedule opens up. Yet you can find plenty of examples of people being inconvenienced right the hell down from the ledge. Adding a suicide barrier to a bridge in Washington lowered not just the number of suicides that occurred on that bridge, but the overall suicide rate (meaning those people didn't just go find another bridge to jump from). A study of more than 500 Golden Gate Bridge jumpers who were stopped in the act found that 94 percent didn't try it again.
Suicides, it turns out, are often split-second decisions -- add even a few minutes' thought or just plain inconvenience to it, and a lot of the victims change their minds. Of course, that's not possible if your method involves instantly splattering your brains all over the wall with one pull of the trigger. If a bridge with a low barrier and a coal gas oven are Regis Philbin asking you to lock in your final answer, having a gun is like the Jeopardy! clicker -- all you have to do is press one button a single time and it's done. No going back. So it's no surprise that one of the biggest risk factors for suicide is simply having a gun in the house."
I am pretty neutral on guns for the most part. My dad had guns in the house while I was growing up but I literally didn't find that out until a couple of years ago. I have friends who shoot. I have gone shooting with my friends and had a good time. In general I tend to think along the lines of "practice proper gun safety and watch where you point it." Some folks may even have reasons to need to carry around a gun, such as someone I used to know who had one of those careers. In general, I don't feel super judgey on who wants a gun around and who doesn't as long as they again, practice proper gun safety (lock it up, don't leave bullets in the chamber, etc.) and watch where you point it. But th
But.....I can't argue with this particular issue. And to that I'm going to say that if someone who lives in your house is depressed--maybe you need to be stashing your gun somewhere else, or at least somewhere they can't easily get to it/find it.
And then there's the next page....
"America's love of guns in most cases has nothing to do with actually using them. It's all about what they symbolize. And what they symbolize is God, and cocks."
"It's been bugging me for a few years now: more and more it seems like if you make one wrong move in America, you can lose your job, your house, your family, your savings ... everything.
Somebody can't afford to pay a ticket or fine, and months later they're arrested, they lose their job, their landlord tosses everything they own out onto the street because they don't pay rent ... it makes me sick.
Extricating Young Gussie: It's a P.G. Wodehouse, a Jeeves and Wooster--in which Bertie's terrible Aunt Agatha demands that Bertie go to New York to talk his cousin Gussie out of marrying a vaudevillian. When Bertie arrives, he discovers that his cousin's joined up too, and both he and his fiancee are good at it. Time to call Aunt Julia...who also used to be in vaudeville :)
"I've achieved my years-long plan of having my work mentioned in the A.V. Club. Now I'm going to go hide under the stairs for the rest of the year."
"No, I wrote the novel from which this movie is adapted. They've taken a lot of liberties and I know the movie doesn't really reflect on me directly, but I'm still going to be afraid of the internet for a while. Can't read reviews of my books, either."
"The key to switching between Liza’s 20- and 40-something selves, according to Foster, is nothing more than “attitude and vernacular.” She says, “I’ve met people who look a lot older than they are because they are not happy people, and people who look much younger than they are because they are happy and full of life and energy. I really do think that it comes from inside.” During her workplace scenes, Foster as “26-year-old” Liza embodies a “lightness … everything’s a little newer, and you don’t know much.” Back with Maggie or her family, Foster takes up “weightiness … the cynicism, responsibilities, and heartbreaks” — though she’s quick to add that such things “make your life rich and wonderful and complicated” as well."
"Redemption Song" was the title of the Weekly cover story that ran a year ago this week and detailed how Orbach, a former millionaire South County financial adviser and son of a former UC Riverside chancellor and George W. Bush administration Department of Energy director, planned to put his criminal past behind him.
The Newport Beach resident did jail time in Seal Beach and county lockup and prison time at Chuckawalla Valley State Prison and the Jamestown Fire Camp for repeatedly harassing and physically assaulting his ex-girlfriend, setting her roof on fire and violating parole by stalking and harassing her again.
In the Weekly interview, Orbach maintained he had stopped obsessing over the woman, learned hard life lessons while incarcerated and launched a new financial venture that would try to marry lending capital with inner-city projects that might ultimately lead to job opportunities for those who served behind bars with him.
But on March 9, Orbach pleaded guilty to several counts of stalking, illegal use of an electronic device and contempt of a court order, the Orange County District Attorney's office confirms.
"The hour requires some unvarnished words and since you made mention of your passion for Deadwood, David Milch's brilliant portrait of the Wild West (largely unsung and partially unfinished thanks to some big-city cocksuckers at HBO, who'd sooner brand their own foreheads with a flat iron than allow a man of the pen to complete the masterpiece for which his name will henceforth be praised), I'd like to sally forth in a style befitting the scoundrels, whores, dirt-worshippers, and hoopleheads of that melancholy town. Be forewarned, though, the language herein might lead some to imagine that yours truly has been pillaging Doc's stash of chloroform, more typically reserved for offering animals a merciful exit from this mortal plane. Suffice it to say that skeptical cocksuckers and those with delicate sensibilities might be well-advised to seek respite elsewhere. You can help your delicate sensibilities by turning the fuck away.
Sure, there's more to parse here, if the hour permits and canned peaches are on offer. We could muse and lament and reconnoiter the ridge, so to speak, offering up various interpretations of them that would sooner cavort and parry with a married woman than honor certain unspoken vows of allegiance to their current lady companions. We could hazard a guess about why a man, long in the tooth as aforementioned cocksucker is, might prefer the company of married women and much-younger gals, them that don't expect marriage yet (either because they're already married or they're too young to push the point), all gals who don't expect much, really, beyond the self-proclaimed big-city romance of gallivanting around with a cocksucker who without fail prefers to tour his own glorified excretory passages, admiring the view."
No, this is a whole new level of book-related spoilers. It’s either watch the show and spoil the books or nothing. The show is running on like a freight train and book readers are still tied to the tracks.
What do we do in an unheard of situation like this, where an adaptation overtakes its source material? Well, the obvious answer is to not watch the show if you’re afraid of spoilers. Which, at this point, is like saying jump out of the airplane if you’re afraid of landing. We’re four seasons in. This airplane is 40,000 feet up in the air, and while I don’t particularly enjoy landing, throwing myself off at this point might be more unpleasant.
And the reality of this world we live in is this: not watching something does not equal keeping it a surprise. No, keeping it a surprise equals not turning on a computer, not talking to other humans, not going to work, changing your name, learning another language, and moving into a cabin in the deep woods with only animals and Mother Nature to keep you company. Even then, fucking Mother Nature probably watched it a day before you and carved the ending into a tree or something.
So what’s the solution? What am I trying to say? I’m saying the next step in “spoiler culture” is not having one, at all. I think the idea of a spoiler is about ten more Tweets away from collapsing inwards on itself and becoming something far less inflammatory and much more ambivalent.There is just simply too many forms of quality entertainment and too many outlets on which to discuss them to keep every single goddamn plot point floating around in the ether a secret from yourself. If you’re fighting to avoid spoilers, you’re fighting a losing fight that is only going to get harder.
This new development with Game of Thrones, where eventually a TV show based on a book series will spoil the books, it’s just another aspect to add on to the already crumbling idea that the universe has to lock away the end of season 2 episode whatever until you are ready to watch it.
Accept it. It might even feel good. It might even make the things that truly do go un-spoiled for you that much sweeter. As for us, the GOT book readers, the ones who tried and often failed to not annoy our fellow TV watchers, please don’t complain. We deserve this, and we deserve this hard."
"I used to know this chick on LiveJournal who went to a yearly charity spelling bee for adults at the Bridgeport, Connecticut, Holiday Inn. This sounded glorious to me: You got to showcase your superpower—which never happens with spellers because no one other than spellers gives a single shit about spelling—AND no one could get mad at you for showing off because it's for a good cause! I adored this lady's posts about how she and her husband geared up for the bee every year, how they quizzed each other, the lists of the words they were given. I pored over these lists, wondering whether I'd be able to figure out "hygeian" (related to health or health practices) on the spot.
In adult life, spelling is a dying—no, a dead art. Anyone with a desk job knows that folks can get away with writing downright illiterate e-mails in a professional setting and never get called out. The job of knowing how to spell words correctly, of noticing when they aren't spelled correctly, has been entirely outsourced to computers, like basic arithmetic, navigation, and remembering your friends' birthdays. If you ARE a great speller, well guess what: Fuck you, no one cares.
"As questions of mythology and backstory came up during the development of Lost, Damon and the staff -- first in the think tank and later in the writers' room for the series -- would come up with explanations. The ones Damon liked just enough to not dismiss outright would be discussed at greater length and eventually, something would become a kind of operating theory. Damon would eventually declare “it’s going to be that unless someone can beat it.” When we finally refined these ideas to the point where Damon was OK putting them on screen -- committing to them as canon -- then we would incorporate them into the show."
"Recently, scientists discovered a quirky side effect to having a high IQ: You tend to stay up until later hours and get up later in the morning. That's right -- the more intelligent are also much more likely to be night owls.
It appears to just be evolution -- the more intelligent members of a species are, in general, the first to change habits (their big brains are wired to seek out novelty). Since humans have been day-dwellers during most of their existence, it's primarily the smarties who prefer to habitually stay up until the wee hours and to do the types of tasks that are easier to accomplish when you don't have the day-dwellers hanging around and distracting you. Stuff that requires concentration, in other words.
So let the early birds keep their measly worms. The nights owls get to feast on the juicy field mice of accomplishment!"
"I'm probably telling more than I should here, violating one of the many rules of Night Club (even talking about Night Club is kind of a no-no). But if you're not a night owl, it may surprise you to learn that around 2 o'clock every morning packs of night-dwellers begin roaming the streets, peering into your windows, stealing your car's wheels, urinating in your mailbox, and so on, et cetera, et cetera.
Did you think it was a coincidence that so much crime happens at night? Did you think every bump and creek in the night was your house settling. Poor, silly, unconscious daywalkers. It was me and my brethren, climbing on your roof. We have no respect for your solar morals. We are fueled by our own strange ethical system, and, as discussed, corn-based chemical cocktails that whisper strange things to us.
Most daywalkers don't know that science has shown that people who prefer staying up late get stronger as the night goes on. This so called "night strength" is believed by experts to be very useful when battling the Wraith Lords, mankind's ancient foes that emerge only in our darkest hour (every night around 4).
Every night the Wraith Lords scurry out of their shadowy nests, intent on destroying all that is good and right in the world. And while you sleep, myself and other brave, sleepy, possibly hallucinating youths push back these forces of darkness."