Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Beth Sekishiro: "You don't need to be conventional to love people. Maybe you've got to give up your whole life - but that's just when you'll find it."
"Thank you so much for the invitation and the respect it shows to me that I would be considered for this. However, when I looked into past lectures in this series I saw something that was disappointing. From the site XXXX where past lectures are listed I see that the ratio of male to female speakers is 14:3. I note - the XXXX lecture series - also from XXXX - also has a skewed ratio (11:2). As someone who is working actively on multiple issues relating to gender bias in science, I find this very disappointing. I realize there are many issues that contribute to who comes to give a talk in a meeting or seminar series or such. But I simply cannot personally contribute to a series which has such an imbalance and I would suggest that you consider whether anything in your process is biased in some way."
The response back was that yes, that ratio isn't good, but it does seem hard to get a hold of the top female speaker. Do you have any recommendations? Yes, yes, he does.
"The children are so boring on Ritalin." Let's talk about sex, baby.... No one cares.
Phil Collins talks Skyler into being a solo act.
Timmy gets chicks?
Oh, Skyler, you're so dumb.
HAHAHAHA THE KIDS DON'T LIKE T&P ON RITALIN.
Oh my goodness, you called Kenny. You bastards.
Yelling at kids and hitting them = the cheap and free ADD cure.
Now that's where Chef loses it: the kids want to go see Phil Collins.
"Thanks to you, we now have children who love Phil Collins." That'll convince 'em.
What's the antidote to Ritalin? Rita-out.
"It's so wonderful to be on the same wavelength as our kids."
Timmy! (and the Lords of the Underworld) take the stage.
"Oh, don't they look precious." The boys are in suits to see a "Cirque de Cheville." Kenny's is powder blue.
Clowns aren't funny. Except to everyone watching YOU.
Quintuplets! Kenny woo-hoos.
For once, something the kids like.
"That second one on the left, she had it going on." The kids think they can start their own circus.
Grandma doesn't want to go home to Romania. She feeds the kids out the window.
OH MY GOD THE KIDS TRYING TO PUT ON A SHOW AT HOME. IN THEIR UNDERWEAR. AND KENNY IS IN, I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT, SOME KIND OF PURPLE DEVIL SUIT.
Kenny sings? Well, I guess if Timmy does.
"I knew it, they turned you into poofters."
The girls enable a daring escape! And blow the other guys up!
The girls are at Stan's door.
"Grandma's a nice piece of ass." "Not in front of Stanley!" "It'll be good for him."
"Singing Like Boceilli for Dummies."
Whoa, Grandma has a see through nightgown and used to be a contortionist. SOMEONE LIKES THE CIRCUS NOW, DOESN'T HE?
And that's more than I wanted to see.
Don't call 'em bitches if you want to get some, bros. WORD OF ADVICE.
The girls would be happy to perform in your circus.
Let me guess: Grandma won't wake up. That joke is as old as time.
YOU KILLED HER, YOU BASTARD.
Randy, that is no way to break bad news.
Feed the quints fish sticks! For a dollar! (I'm flashing back to the Dionne quints.)
Maybe it's not a good idea to let Romania know what happened to them by putting it on the news...YA THINK?
"Romania, the asshole of the world."
I think Kenny's parents must have more cash than they used to if they are trying to pay for lessons.
The Romanians are holding a gun to the girls' possible father (they don't know, they haven't seen him in five years)'s head. Lovely.
He doesn't get the names right either.
Kenny is singing on the street for music lessons in Europe. Everyone else is at Funland watching sheep shearing. That's not fun.
Hey, Kenny made it to Europe!
People in America have it so good that when they get bored, they start protesting things.
"We are going to do everything in our power to make this as confusing as possible." --Janet Reno.
Protesting ensues. "Let the quints stay! Romania is gay!"
Happy Easter! Janet Reno is dressed as a pink bunny rabbit. Give them Easter eggs filled with tear gas!
Kenny is at Romanian music school. "Your 200 American dollars will last months here!" Yay! Everyone's poor like us!
Easter Bunny has an AK-47. She throws an egg. The army invades. The house explodes. The quints are nabbed. "Dammit, now I'm never going to have my own circus." Priorities, Stan.
Kenny sings to a concert hall in his blue suit. The Romanians want him to stay, and Kenny says yay!
"We just gotta get that angry mob back on our side!" It doesn't work. Because people want to stop protesting by 5:30. They get overtime!
The girls don't want to smile for the camera.
Kenny's dad, back in America, petitions to get his new car, er, son back.
"Come on, angry mob!"
Little Nadia picks up the phone to call the one person in the world who can help them. And that is....
The quints chew out their abandoning dad, their government, the protesters who need to get a life, and the boys for not knowing anything about Romania and assuming it sucks. Then they hop into Oprah's limo and go on a book tour. "You can all kiss our white Romanian asses."
Whatever happened to Kenny? There's an angry mob. There's an army. There's guns. Take a wild guess.
Cartman Joins NAMBLA:
Oh, yes, this is an infamous episode.
The boys are playing "Investigative Reports With Bill Curtis Board Game!" You drew the UFO crash landing card, you can deny it or cover it up! The game features a giant talking head. Who the fuck is this?
You can give people AIDS in this game?
Oh no, Kenny's parents want to have unprotected sex. Aren't they broke enough without adding in another kid?
Cartman does a Republican rant about this. "You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman, you're eight." He gripes that he wants more mature friends.
Cartman goes to meet new friends on the Internet. OH MY GOD EVERYONE WANTS HIM.
Cartman's user name is, of course, BigBoned.
Tony and Cartman meet at a diner. Cartman gets Kama Sutra books. Woo hoo, Tony gets busted.
Kenny has nightmares about babies.
Hey, his mom isn't wearing the "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt for a second!
Kenny throws a ball in his dad's balls.
Cartman gets a message from Hung Daddy saying he's eight and a half inches. That guy is tiny.
Cartman goes to Mephisto to ask if he can genetically engineer some older friends. No. He can, however, introduce Cartman to some folks in NAMBLA. That explains the little dude following him around.
NAMBLAcon. They are looking for a poster child to prove that young boys want man love. Here comes Cartman. Thank you, Jesus. I wonder how Jesus would react to this?
The kids are at the clinic finding out that Kenny's mom is pregnant. And the shattered left testicle is fixed.
Cartman na-nahs the kids about his new club. You're na-nahing about maturity, bro. This does not compute.
Kenny wants morning-after abortion pills. Like "Fetus Flusher." He forged a note saying it was okay to abort his baby. He mixes it up with vodka and cocoa. Dad drinks it instead. It gives him diarrhea and vomiting. Which alas, I just had to watch.
Cartman is getting his picture taken in a red thong with a sign saying I Love NAMBLA.
North Park Funland is offering "The John Denver Experience" ride that's supposed to be ca-razy and pregnant women should not ride it. Guess what?
The John Denver Experience is a crashing plane into water. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Again, somehow only Kenny's dad is fucked up.
NAMBLA wants Cartman to invite all his little friends! He doesn't invite his former friends. Who don't care.
Kenny attacks his mom with a plunger.
Stan and Kyle arrive with two other guys. "I think we finally found a city who won't oppress us."
"Many of us have already found partners in this fine city."
Stan: "When are we going to get us some action?" Again, it's like a gift from God.
Butters is on a date with some old guy named Patrick.
Mr. Harris found his dream boy--sexy, sassy, and full of spunk. TIMMY.
Time to start the dance! Here come the cops.
The cops mixed up which NAMBLA Mephisto is in--Marlon Brando Look Alikes. Mr. Garrison is in the wrong place.
"Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!" "Let's get the hell out of here!"
The Brandos and the cops come. The naked guys run out. Everyone runs. Kenny chases his mom.
"Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of us, right?" Cartman wants someone to take one for the team. Butters. "Just what team is this, anyway?"
So apparently Kenny's dad is the one who took one for the team.
We were born this way. "Dude, you have sex. With children! "Yeah, you know, we believe in equality and tolerance and all of that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you. Seriously."
"I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped."
Kenny is run over by an ambulance. Nine months later, a new Kenny is born.
"God, this must have been the fiftieth time this has happened." "Fifty-second."
This week's This American Life starts out by covering the story of one (pardon me for saying it, but he sounds like he used to be really obnoxious) guy's Diplomacy-playing career, how he used to tick everyone off and for good reason---and how he got the world's best diplomat to advise him on how to play. And how it went after that guy left. Hoooooo boy.
The same guy also wrote an article for Grantland, but it covers none of the juicy material from TAL. Just so you know.
Continued from here. What shall I do tomorrow now that I am out of theme song lyrics?!
Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus
World Wide Recorder Concert
The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000
Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000
Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus:
Hey, a New Year's episode. Don't see those too much.
Cartman has started puberty. He has become a man, you guys. He started his period.
Actually, given the lame hermaphrodite thing with his mom....
I fear Cartman needs a doctor. And now I just don't want to think about this.
Time to celebrate NYE by killing each other. Of course.
Jesus is a groundhog.
Jesus is all "Why are you here and what do you want?" and they're all "We want God to show up!" "Uh, let me think about that."
Oh gross, Kenny.
"Cotton cork" is a damned good name. "Beaver dam?"
"It's the end of the millenium. Please don't kill us, Jesus."
Jesus asks God if everyone can see him and God says no.
Kyle gets the bright idea to lie about getting his period because who's going to check his ass?
There's also "Winged Span."
"I perioded all over the place."
"Awesome, we get powers?" Not the cool kind, you guys.
Poor Stan writing a letter to God.
Poor Jesus writing a letter to God. "I'm 2000 years old but I feel like I'm 28 again." He decides to throw a party. Note the picture with him and Santa in the background.
Stan, you need to explain that one to your mom a bit more.
Jesus emerges and gets Rod Stewart to play in Vegas. Everyone is satisfied.
I cannot believe Cartman actually read the women who run with the wolves book and has everyone dress up as goddesses.
Stan goes to Chef.
"Stan, let me sing you a little song about the mentstrual cycle. I think that will clear things up for you." No. It did not.
"I'm not going to be the only periodless 8-year-old boy!" Chef is all, what did I miss?
Oh, poor Rod. Oh Jesus, I'm not gonna recap that.
OH NO, STAN, DON'T GO TO MEPHISTO THE ASS MAN.
Stan is now on hormones and appears to be growing a beard. Even the boys are all, bad idea.
Kenny just died again. Uh-oh, nobody told Kenny about Toxic Shock Syndrome.
The doctor blames the new tampon up the ass fad on the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV. Musta missed that.
"We must get to the bottom of this, if you'll pardon the pun."
According to the news, everyone still thinks God is going to show up at the concert. God doesn't answer.
Stan has boobs.
I wouldn't have introduced him as "Rod Do Ya Think I'm Sexy Stewart" under the circumstances, bro.
"Let's get him!"
Oh goody, they're gonna crucify Jesus again. God hates Jesus and Stan.
"If God fixed all of their problems, there would be no point to our existtence."
God shows up.
Um, what is that? God is a weird fuzzy cat-hippo monster or something?
God will answer one question and Stan asks about his period. Gee, thanks, Stan.
Let's get him!
World Wide Recorder Concert:
Kenny G will lead the concert in Oklahoma. Four million third graders all at once, Yikes.
What the hell is a recorder, anyway? No, seriously, this is only something I've heard of on television.
I'm sure most of them won't know the song, actually.
The concert is being moved to Arkansas. "Is that a state?"
Mr. Garrison is afraid of Arkansas, where he's from. He's been avoiding his dad for 23 years.
Mr. Garrison got molested by his paraplegic uncle on Saturday. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
Mr. Hat is the only one talking.
"There's monkeys that make better counselors than you!" "You son of a bitch!" Yes, Mr. Mackey and the puppet get into a bus fight. Mr. Hat won?!
"Welcome to Arkansas. Yes, We Are A State."
The New York kids are obnoxious, of course. "What's a queef?" I'm surprised Kenny doesn't know.
Mr. Garrison visits his dad. And he wants to know why his dad didn't sexually abuse him. WHAT?
It's all Yoko Ono's fault.
Let's make up a word. "Mung." (Hmong?) Oh, um....ew.
The Garrisons cry over a lack of abuse.
Mr. Mackey comes to talk to Garrison Sr. "He's upset because I didn't molest him!"
"Are you suggesting I have sex with my 41-year-old son?" On this show, yes.
"Am I the only sane person left on Earth?"
"I"m not going to molest you!" "You don't love me! I want to die!"
I do not want to know about a noise that makes you automatically crap your pants. I do not.
"Would you have sex with your son to save his life?" Nobody actually answers it and then they all think of other similar questions.
Oh, great, 4 million kids will crap their pants in a concert.
Garrison Sr. caves in and fucks his son. Good lord.
Everything is just fine with the family now. Um, yay.
Hahahahah, Kenny G was paid (or not) to fuck Mr. Garrison in lieu of his dad. Nice.
And yup, that happened. ALL OVER THE WORLD.
"It's been over 20 hours since everyone on Earth crapped their pants." The loss, the devastation.
Kenny crapped himself to death.
The NYC kids think it's awesome that they did that.
"You kiss just like my dad."
The Tooth Fairy's New Tats 2000
New things in credits! Antonio Banderas doll, that lttle redheaded kid in the hat on the bus, Kenny has a Chinpokemon doll, Death touches him, Moses's glowing head shows up.... I can't keep track of it all.
The Tooth Fairy gave Cartman a raise. This is a hint from Cartman's mom that he should learn how to save money, but that doesn't work, of course.
"What's wrong with Cartman?" "He's fat and he's stupid?"
Kyle only gets gefiltefish from the Tooth Fairy.
Cartman suggests everyone turning over their teeth. Only Kenny has any left to lose. OH NO.
Oh joy, it's the first introduction of Timmy. I can't wait. I don't get Timmy. Why is a character who only says one word so awesome? (Ditto Hodor. Actually I'm not really dissing Hodor because he at least does stuff, but still, never been into the says-one-word concept.)
Butters just lost a tooth, but won't give it up.
Oh god, they ...just pulled Kenny naked out of his outfit. Nice buns, Kenny. Where is Bebe to comment on this?
Cartman, dresssed up as the Tooth Fairy ("Why did we pick the fat guy to hoist up there?"), breaks into Butters' room.
"Mommys gotta save her throat. Gotta work tonight." DOING WHAT?
Ms. Cartman suspects something and calls the dentist. He's lost 112 teeth. Is your son an alligator?
"Freebie next week!"
Cartman's mom finally confesses the truth and says she can't afford food any more. Sadly, this is never brought up again. I say sadly because hungry Cartman is amusing.
Cartman tells the other kids.
Kyle loses it.
Stan's new scheme: take the money given to rich kids for teeth.
Cherry Creek: the wealthiest community of Colorado.
"This is the smartest business venture ever." HAH, SOMEONE ELSE THOUGHT IT UP TOO. Two years ago.
The rich kid wakes up and says he has no teeth.
Hah, there's a Tooth Fairy mob. They get teeth from corpses, hockey players, and people getting punished by the mob.
The kids join the mob.
Meanwhile, at the ADA convention, the dentists suspect something. One guy thinks it's a chicken/squirrel, but someone proposes a black market racket...everyone laughs at him. Dr. Foley's seen it in Montreal. He stomps out to go prove it.
I LOVE THE MOB CLOTHES. KENNY HAS A FEDORA AND CARTMAN HAS A HORRIBLE TRACKSUIT.
Chef figures out they're on drugs. (Wait until college, kids.) I love this flashback to Chef singing about making love in 10 years.
I love the picture of the kid pouting while it says "Fruits are fun."
Cartman wants his own crime mob family. Guess how that's gonna go.
Dr. Foley confronts the mob kid.
Some creepy dude brought Chinese teeth. Oh, his name is "Weasel." They're cat teeth?
Kenny's gonna be thrown into the river. Of course.
Poor Kyle is off reading books and freaking himself out.
Kenny is thrown into a very shallow river.
Some dying kid is going to get $600 for his tooth. "The trap is set." You think anyone's gonna fall for it?
Cartman has a pool.
Kyle may or may not exist. He doesn't know.
"Give it up, kid, you're surrounded by dentists."
I don't even know with this Kyle thing. Did someone slip him acid?
Here comes the chicken squirrel thing. Everyone runs.
"That's what grown-ups do. They lie. Right to your face." The mob kid decides to play flag football instead.
Kenny is still in the river. Slowly hopping into the deep end.
Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000:
Sledding time. The boys hog them, the girls want them, the guys tell them to go off and get pregnant or something, the girls call them names. Let's have a race. On Phil Collins Hill. "I found my thrill...on Phil Collins Hill." Okay, that one's just me.
Cartman throws a rock at Token for calling him fat. He gets chewed out. Now he gets detention for two weeks...and the FBI show up to investigate. Because since Token is black, it's a hate crime.
Everyone freaks out because Cartman said black instead of African-Americans. Cartman says he hates hippies instead. Cartman is going to juvie until age 21.
Moral of the episode: You'd better make sure you only pick on people your own race.
This is a tragedy because Cartman's fat ass makes the sled go faster.
Cartman runs away and demands that Kenny takes him to Mexico. In this slow battery operated car that poor Kenny somehow has.
High speed car chase! In the Go Go Action Bronco! It's a very slow chase. They slowly ram the barricade and get through.
Stan and Kyle are waiting for the car to run out of juice, because otherwise they can't win the sled race. After the car stops, the rest of them crash.
Welcome to juvie.
"Gruffy Bear sez: Try to escape and we'll shoot you where you stand."
There are babies in juvie? What the hell do you do to be a baby in juvie? Bite a nipple?
There is naptime and fingerpainting. Your cellmate is Romperstomper.
Wow, Phil Collins Hill actually has him on it.
Who's the next fattest kid in South Park? Now you're the new fat kid.
Nobody likes Animaniacs.
How does someone who is still in juvie know how to escape?
There will be a fake kid made out of bricks put on the sled. It doesn't work. "We killed Kenny, we're bastards."
Nobody appreciated Cartman's ass while they had it. Time to bust him out of jail.
Cartman is visited in jail. Bringing a cake with a file in it just won't work. What he needs are cigarrettes, which will be smuggled out his ass.
"I really wish I hadn't sat here and watched that." Me too.
Don't fart, you might make smoke signals! Good point!
You want to smoke pooped out cigs? Or listen to this?
Stan and Kyle go to Token's house and want to talk him into forgiving Cartman. Token's dad says they'll have to go to the governor. He thinks this whole thing is stupid, but the governor won't listen to him because he's black.
Cartman just smuggled a game up his ass. But duh, there's no way to escape. Cartman cries in prison. This makes his cellie feel sorry enough for him to want to bust out.
At the governor's office, the "Free Eric Cartman Now" committee shows up. They do a presentation on how this is dumb. Also, the sledding race is now on Thursday? The governor says it makes more sense than any other presentation he's seen in the last 3 years.
Cartman and his cellie escape, but the cellie trips and falls because of his uh, shoes. Cartman doesn't really get how these scripts work, but he tries. Then they get busted. Then Cartman gets pardoned.
Does Wendy hae a new hood like Kenny's or is that a new girl just being an ass? I've been wondering all episode.
Cartman shows up for the race. Clyde is so grateful to not be fat kid any more. Cartman throws those shoes and derails the girls into sledding off a hill and being eaten by bears. Yay for friendship and Cartman's ass.
Cartman visits Romperstomper in prison (in his cell), and Cartman has smuggled in.... don't ask.