Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
"An oft-cited 1983 study defines three categories of graffiti: Tourist graffiti (“John wuz here”), inner-city graffiti (like tagging and street art), and toilet graffiti (or “latrinalia” as it’s sometimes called in academic literature).
He and his team found that men wrote more, and dirtier, things than women, who were more likely to write about romantic love.
Continued from here. I've got a season 14 DVD here with me tonight, let's catch up on the few episodes off of it I haven't seen yet:
The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs
The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs:
Yeah, from the title alone I'm already not having high hopes, as a vagina-owner. But also, a title like this is clearly not meant for me because I'm not the intended audience, so bitch should shut up, amirite?
It's time to read Catcher In The Rye! It's off the banned books list and it's HELLA DIRTY, Y'ALL. Cartman wants to read it RIGHT AWAY.
Way to get people to read, Mr Garrison! You've actually done something right for education for a change!"
"You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? CAN WE PLEASE READ THIS RIGHT NOW?!" --Cartman
"You will all be mature about its adult themes and language!" "Awwww!"
Cut to home: "Did you get to any dirty parts yet?" "No, it's some whiny teenager talking about how lame he is."
Stan doesn't get it. "All he's done is say shit and fuck a few times."
Cartman has read it all. He is displeased. "I just read a book! For nothing!" Why was this book banned? Kenny agrees.
Cut to Butters. "KILL JOHN LENNON." I don't know where you got that from, kid, but it's too late now.
Let's write our own banned book! We can do so much better! And here's the episode title. I am more excited now.
A sweet little montage of writing and laughter plays. Cartman's not even singing in it! It's instrumental!
Uh-oh, Sharon just found the book in Stan's underwear drawer. She throws up. FAST FORWARD, FAST FORWARD, I'M EATING WHILE WATCHING THIS.
WHAT WAS I THINKING TO DO THAT. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW.
Butters's brain has been infected by the desire to kill phonies.
Butters is being blamed for writing it in a blackout? Now everyone loves it and wants to publish it. WTF.
"So far nobody has been able to get through the first paragraph without vomiting." FAST FORWARD, FAST FORWARD. It's changing the literary world, though!
Here he comes! Everyone applaud! Now he has glasses!
MORE VOMITING, FAST FORWARD.
"There are no underlying themes!" Nobody believes the boys about this.
Butters is working on the next raunchy yet deep voice of a generation, or whatever.
"I can't believe they won't ban our book!"
"I know what we've got to do. We've got to kill Sarah Jessica Parker."
The sequel is out! It's called "The Poop That Had A Pee." Morgan Freeman is reading it. I notice a slight decline in the writing quality here.
Someone just shot the Kardashians and blamed it on the sequel.
"All because one little prick had to write a book." Butters is yelled at on television. He cries.
"My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed!" Hey, wait, wasn't "The Hobbit" written after this?
Butters swears to never write again. Which is good because.... oh, Cartman.
Yeah, not my episode, what with all the vomit. Making fun of Catcher never gets old, though.
Incidentally, the deleted scenes from this episode on the disc are great.
Chocolate factory visit.
"I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad."
Let's rehash a bunch of crap.
"Hey, check it out, Tom Cruise is a fudge packer." But he isn't! He's fly-fishing!
"Dude, you are in a fudge factory, packing fudge."
Tom's gonna sue.
Tom has rounded up every celebrity that South Park has insulted.
South Park is a bunch of bigots.
Let's band together against them!
Tom Cruise has a lot of closets (and no bathroom).
What did Stan do now? Everyone's ganging up against him.
201 celebrities are suing the bejeezus out of South Park! It means the end of this town!
Tom might call off the lawsuit if you bring Muhammad the prophet here. "That's...tricky."
If he appears here, we'll get bombed! Has enough time passed that we can try it again? How do we find him? We don't know what he looks like.
Oh, Stan saw him once in David Blaine's cult. "Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends."
And there was no violence at all among the Super Best Friends?
DON'T SHOW THE SKETCH, RANDY!
It's a stick figure. Is that okay to show? I guess we'll see.
Who is the only person on the world who hasn't been ridiculed? Muhammad. Could we harness that power?
OH JESUS DON'T BRING BACK THE JLO HAND PUPPET SHIT AGAIN HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE
Super Best Friends! Censored! Leaders of the world's biggest religions.
The SBF decline the offer, they can't risk the violence.
No exceptions can be made.
"Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids!"
Is he allowed to have his voice heard? Let's ask Moses if we can hide him in a U-Haul. "I guess that would be okay."
Tom has a machine at the ready to steal that ability from Muhammad.
I refuse to recap any of this hand puppet shit.
"Oh god, you found my fudge packing uniform."
Muhammad is hiding in the U-Haul. He just said "You're welcome." Is that ok? I don't know.
How are we going to get him into Tom Cruise's limo?
Let's try a giant costume...or something? I forget now.
Muhammad is in a giant bear mascot outfit. Now we're going to get bombed if we give him to Tom Cruise.
Or never mind, the limo just got blown up before Muhammad got into it.
Some other group wants to steal Muhammad for his power...and it's the GINGERS!
Still not recapping the hand crap.
"I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we're going to have to hand you over to the gingers."
Time to call....HER. Which is, of course, the Mecha Streisand. With much better animation this time.
"Power her up! Release the kraiken!" (I"m guessing on that spelling.)
Some bad anime music plays.
Cartman demands to talk to Mr. Hat about who his father REALLY is.
"PUT IT ON. DO THE VOICE." Now two hand puppets are talking to each other. Oh god.
Oh no, the gingers want him out of the bear costume! (Oh, come on, like any of you could prove it.)
"Your father was in the room the day of your DNA test. But the results were tampered with."
Eh....not my favorite most of the time here either. That damn hand puppet crap outta Cartman.
The deleted scene for this one is good also. Eric has a tea party and yells at his mom.