For the last couple of weeks I have been driving myself up the bloody wall.
My mother (Pisces moon) gets easily butthurt and pouty at the slightest thing or imagined slight, and it annoys the crap out of me. "Dear god, don't take EVERYTHING personally," I always say to her. It doesn't work.
But a couple of weekends ago, I started acting like this, and I know for a fact that I can't blame it on hormones. I was in a snit for two weeks because I wanted to get onstage during a production of the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and did not get chosen. (Not that you even get to DO a lot during the show if you are chosen, as it turns out.) I don't know why the hell I cared that much for two weeks, but I was all, "I'm so rejected! I can't EVER get onto a stage at this school! I wanted to manifest it! Blah blah whine whine..." Then I wanted to get picked out for another volunteer thing that I have been trying to do off and on for years and didn't get chosen--yet again. I have since figured out (a) why I didn't get chosen, and (b) that I am never going to get chosen. Because I'm a whining pain in the ass looking for attention. And I did not realize for HOW LONG I have been whining for attention on that particular thing, and once I did, I just want to shoot myself for my own stupidity. Suffice it to say I can no longer blame them for rejecting me. I gave them good reason. Plus there's the part where 95% of my local friends have drifted off for various reasons (moving, travel, baby, school, just plain busy) and I am butthurt and offended at them for disappearing.
I hate people like that and I am becoming one of them.
And of course, I am wondering, "Why the fuck am I acting like that? Since when do I think everyone is rejecting me personally? Since when do I POUT like I'm a 6-year-old about it? And since when did I get so fucking insistent on "wah, pay attention to meee!"?
Astro.com will give you a short rundown on your transits every Thursday for free, and I decided to look at mine. Oh, HERE's the culprit:
Valid during many months: During this time you probably feel hurt, offended or ignored and therefore you have withdrawn into yourself, do not allow anyone to get really close to you, and are mistrustful and rejecting of life with all its pleasures. At the same time, though, deep down you want to participate, enjoy life, love and be loved.
If you now find yourself in such a situation you have a difficult task ahead of you, as you should boldly seek the cause of your present mood and condition. This influence points to a deep injury that has actually existed for a long time and now makes its presence felt again in a most painful way. Mostly this has to do with feelings of inadequacy or inferiority with regard to one's body, especially in the sexual sphere.
However, you should not withdraw as you possibly did in the past, but instead come out of your shell and acknowledge your pain, your vulnerability, to your partner, for example, or someone else to whom you are close. This requires a lot of courage, especially if it was this particular person who hurt you in the first place. But if you are successful in this, you will not only be able to expect more consideration in future, but also be better able to deal with your wound and your vulnerability.
Nevertheless, you should not expect too much of yourself in this respect. Perhaps you now need seclusion or a withdrawal to get over everything. In that case you should not bury yourself in your pain as that will not make things better. At least try to think the affair over thoroughly. You will probably find that the behavior of the other person was unintentional, and that your present situation mainly mirrors your own sensitivity.
Transit selected for today (by user):
Chiron Square Venus, activity period from middle of February 2010 until middle of January 2011
Arggggggggggggh. The emo is going to last until January?!?
I can't say that I think sharing my pain is gonna go over well right now, though. That's why people think I'm a whining drama queen... so I think I need to shut up. I may feel butthurt for no good reason, but that's no reason to share it with the poor innocent folks who aren't deliberately trying to hurt me.
Gack. I cannot stand myself right now!