Saturn Return Can Bite Me

Since when did I become all emo?

For the last couple of weeks I have been driving myself up the bloody wall.

My mother (Pisces moon) gets easily butthurt and pouty at the slightest thing or imagined slight, and it annoys the crap out of me. "Dear god, don't take EVERYTHING personally," I always say to her. It doesn't work.

But a couple of weekends ago, I started acting like this, and I know for a fact that I can't blame it on hormones. I was in a snit for two weeks because I wanted to get onstage during a production of the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and did not get chosen. (Not that you even get to DO a lot during the show if you are chosen, as it turns out.) I don't know why the hell I cared that much for two weeks, but I was all, "I'm so rejected! I can't EVER get onto a stage at this school! I wanted to manifest it! Blah blah whine whine..." Then I wanted to get picked out for another volunteer thing that I have been trying to do off and on for years and didn't get chosen--yet again. I have since figured out (a) why I didn't get chosen, and (b) that I am never going to get chosen. Because I'm a whining pain in the ass looking for attention. And I did not realize for HOW LONG I have been whining for attention on that particular thing, and once I did, I just want to shoot myself for my own stupidity. Suffice it to say I can no longer blame them for rejecting me. I gave them good reason. Plus there's the part where 95% of my local friends have drifted off for various reasons (moving, travel, baby, school, just plain busy) and I am butthurt and offended at them for disappearing.

I hate people like that and I am becoming one of them.

And of course, I am wondering, "Why the fuck am I acting like that? Since when do I think everyone is rejecting me personally? Since when do I POUT like I'm a 6-year-old about it? And since when did I get so fucking insistent on "wah, pay attention to meee!"?

Astro.com will give you a short rundown on your transits every Thursday for free, and I decided to look at mine. Oh, HERE's the culprit:

Valid during many months: During this time you probably feel hurt, offended or ignored and therefore you have withdrawn into yourself, do not allow anyone to get really close to you, and are mistrustful and rejecting of life with all its pleasures. At the same time, though, deep down you want to participate, enjoy life, love and be loved.

If you now find yourself in such a situation you have a difficult task ahead of you, as you should boldly seek the cause of your present mood and condition. This influence points to a deep injury that has actually existed for a long time and now makes its presence felt again in a most painful way. Mostly this has to do with feelings of inadequacy or inferiority with regard to one's body, especially in the sexual sphere.

However, you should not withdraw as you possibly did in the past, but instead come out of your shell and acknowledge your pain, your vulnerability, to your partner, for example, or someone else to whom you are close. This requires a lot of courage, especially if it was this particular person who hurt you in the first place. But if you are successful in this, you will not only be able to expect more consideration in future, but also be better able to deal with your wound and your vulnerability.

Nevertheless, you should not expect too much of yourself in this respect. Perhaps you now need seclusion or a withdrawal to get over everything. In that case you should not bury yourself in your pain as that will not make things better. At least try to think the affair over thoroughly. You will probably find that the behavior of the other person was unintentional, and that your present situation mainly mirrors your own sensitivity.

Transit selected for today (by user):
Chiron Square Venus, activity period from middle of February 2010 until middle of January 2011

Arggggggggggggh. The emo is going to last until January?!?

I can't say that I think sharing my pain is gonna go over well right now, though. That's why people think I'm a whining drama queen... so I think I need to shut up. I may feel butthurt for no good reason, but that's no reason to share it with the poor innocent folks who aren't deliberately trying to hurt me.

Gack. I cannot stand myself right now!

Ooh, another writeup on Timer

Here. 

More on Timer

Very good writeup of it over here. 

Beadstrology

You don't know how excited I am that Corinne Kenner has put this online. Cheap and easy instructions for how to make your own astrological chart in a necklace. I just ran out and got all the supplies. Even though I couldn't find all of the beads at the "right" sizes (and hell, Jupiter and Saturn are gonna be bigger and flat because I wanted swirly pattern beads, and at some point I just gave up on trying to stay with the right colors and sizes given the selection I had), it'll still be awesome.

The stones:

• Sun: pyrite. That's...probably not good symbology there, but it was the shinest sunny bead they had.
• Moon: abalone-ish bead that's white on one side and dark on the other. So appropriate!
• Mercury: some kind of yellow agate
• Venus: rose quartz, 'cause I really had to
• Mars: red jasper
• Jupiter and Saturn: various swirly red agates
• Uranus: apatite? Agatite? Some strange name, but it's a pretty purplish blue
• Neptune: amethyst
• Pluto and Chiron: either gonna be hematite or blue goldstone, undecided which to make which yet.
• Nodes: amber chips, one light and one dark
• Ascendant: gold goldstone.
• Base beads: blue shiny, tiger-eye-ish for the main stones.

So exciting!

The planetary scoring post

Because Donna Cunningham's various tests seem to be all the rage these days, I'm just writing down my scores in this one spot so I remember what the hell they are.

• Sun: 66. YIKES, so far that WINS.
• Moon: 29.
• Mercury: 32.
• Venus: 45
• Mars: 63.
• Jupiter: 23
• Saturn: 38.
• Uranus: 30
• Neptune: 25
• Pluto: 18. This one loses so far.
• Chiron: 45
• Fixed signs: 36
• Mutable signs: 19.
• Cardinal signs: 28
• Water: 24
• Fire: 63
• Air: 24
• Earth: around 35?

I'm gonna get my ass kicked by Uranus

I have been freaking about the upcoming Uranus hitting my sixth house/Mercury quite a lot. The last 24 hours have been kind of a prequel-asskicking.

I keep saying to myself, "Look, I'll leave voluntarily if there's a good enough carrot. Or reason to leave. Or something better than what I do now. Really, I will. Just don't get me canned again."

So, a couple of days ago, after I was getting nagged to go look at job sites again, I was all, "okay, FINE, I WILL." Now, the local job site hasn't had anything of remote interest to me in well, a long ass time. I can't even say how long. I have kind of a weird skill set, so nothing's remotely fit me.

Well, yesterday I found a job that was about 90-95% a good fit. Amazingly so. It actually fit my skill set! The subject matter wasn't my favorite, but it wasn't too off from the field I used to work in. The location of the job was somewhere I could get to, albeit not easily. It all looked good...

... Except for the part where it was a part time job with a large salary listed. Uh... that can't be right, can it?

Oh, and btw, the deadline for the job closed about 24 hours after I first saw the listing. I had to decide ASAP whether or not I was going to go for it. Not a lot of time to find out information about it or reflect upon whether or not I wanted to make a leap in the first place. If it did pay that much, it'd be stupid of me not to. If it didn't, then it'd be stupid of me TO do it. Awkward.

I had a surprisingly bad time trying to find out exactly how much this job paid. If it was paying exactly what the listing said, then it'd be worth applying because that still outearned me now. (Which, ahem, doesn't sound likely for a writing job, does it?). If it was half of that, it wasn't worth me quitting my bird in the hand for. Meanwhile, people kept griping at me to apply "for practice." Huh? Or "well, just ask when you get to the interview." I thought, "How stupid am I going to be if I get to that point and then find out it's too little for me to live off of? Why waste everyone's time?"

Well, eventually I found out that yes, that's not enough money to live off of, so never bloody mind. 

But I was freaking out. I was freaking out at the job's semi-crap location (my current work location is extremely nice). I was freaking out looking at their website and spotting a guy that reminded me of someone who'd had a crush on me in the past and it wasn't mutual, and I was thinking, "Oh god, I bet that one would have a crush on me right off the bat. GOD NO. Well, maybe he's married. He's a nerd, clearly he's not married!" I kept thinking of how long and pain in the arse it would be to get to the job's fringe-y location. In short... I just focused on the negative and freaked.

And I realized that dear god, I don't want to job hunt again unless I'm forced to.

Which, of course, means that Uranus will make damn sure I get canned if I don't want to jump myself. (Unless the opposite happens.) Crap. If I'm really super not willing to leave a good enough situation...

Uh-oh.

Obsession in relationships, part 2

Related to here:

Blame it on Pluto. 

"Pluto connects us to people whom we have known in many ways in many lives. Past-life ties are confusing if they open you to hunger that cannot be met by the person in this life. It is as if your subconscious memory of who this person was for you in a previous life awakens the hunger for what the relationship offered you in the past. It is doomed to fail because that past relationship is dead, and you will not be able to mold your current relationship to fill this hunger."

Ouch.

Venus Saturn makes you hot?

Uh, what? Yeah.

Timer

So, I just watched the movie Timer. Go find it on Netflix or Amazon.

You may wonder where you are in this film's universe. Would you get one? Would you believe in them? Is such a thing possible? What you probably won't consider, at least until well into the movie, is that you've already got one, and you believe in it with everything you are… you just call it something else… or many things.

Anyhoo: the conceit is that years ago (I'm not sure how many--one character said 8, but I think that was from his hitting legal Timer age), a device was created that lets you know how long it'll take to find your soulmate, and on the day of you "zero out" and the alarm goes off with magic notes when you see them for the first time. Easy, right?

But what if your situation is...

• you're already married, get Timers, and find out you're not the one? (Rick and Marion)
• your Timer goes off when you're 14 years old, in front of both your families, and one mom works for the other mom? You haven't even gotten to get to KNOW her yet, but your mom feels obligated to get to know her future in-laws? (Jesse and Soledad)
• your wife already died? (Dan)
• your Timer's not going to go off until you're 43. And right now you're 30. (Steph. Minus the one-night stands, I am this girl.)
• Or you've been waiting for umpteen(?) years and yours STILL hasn't gone off. (Rick.)
• your Timer is blank because your soul mate hasn't bothered to get a Timer, so you only date Timer-free guys and drag them all in to get Timers to see if they're the one? (Oona)
• And is there a point to dating someone who has a Timer and you're obviously not the one for them? (Most of the cast.)
• Is it pre-emptively cheating to boink someone whose Timer isn't for you, anyway? (Oona and Steph.)
• Is there a point to staying with someone who you know isn't the one? (One character who shall remain nameless...)

Oona and Steph, stepsisters/best friends/roommates, are buddies in fucked-up Timerdom. Steph figures she might as well boink Timered guys for one night stands, because what the hell else are you going to do until you hit 43. (I only wish I could pull that off.) Oona only dates Timer-free guys and makes them get Timers, but so far they all come up for someone else. She finally hits her limit and starts dating Mikey, the 22-year-old grocery guy/band guy who's interested in her, because his Timer is set to go off in four months. Which on the one hand, if you're not going to get attached, great. On the other hand, if you do... can or should Oona force him to get a Timer? Will that make everything better if it does? And what the hell does Steph do in the meantime while she's waiting around forever?

Note: spoiler discussion about halfway through the movie will be going on below the cut.

I have been attempting, once again, to read about Vedic astrology. As a general rule I just plain don't understand it--the language it's written in is difficult for me to comprehend even when in English-- I hate to say it, but actual Indians writing it somehow make it all very laborious for me to read. It's hard to find books on the topic in real life. And the Internet links? Well, mostly written by Indians. Plus I am all, "uh, I'm really an Aries with Libra rising, what now?" when I did my chart. Confusing.

However, I am interested in it purely because of the whole dasha thing. You see, in Vedic astrology there are periods of time where you are going to be utterly fucked for love (or whatever), and periods where it'll work for you to find it. It's not YOUR fault, it's the dasha you're in. And I was listening to this podcast where the astrologer said she got told (at age 23) that she wasn't going to be able to get married until she was 30. (Entire story over here in Google cache since the link isn't working.) She even MET "the one" and dated him before age 30, but they broke up... and guess when they got back together and married.

She has a report on when one can find out when their period of love is. I am debating actually getting it (though it was an extremely spendy first WEEK of the month...sigh), though from what I can tell from looking at this free Vedic chart site, my Venus dasha doesn't start until... I'm 41 years old. Same time as progressed Western astrology and the solar return chart says, actually. Different paths all end in the same goddamned spot.

See, I TOLD YOU I WAS STEPH. 

This late bloomer thing SUCKS.

Obsession in relationships

This may be the best post on such I have ever seen.

I unabashedly advise my clients to focus more attention on the object of their obsession, not less. Some might think that’s mentally unsound, but let me explain my reasoning.

In my observation over the years, there’s always a reason for an obsession. It may not be obvious, and often it’s not what the obsession seems to be about. But usually there is a compelling reason. To my way of thinking, it’s mentally unhealthy to stay stuck in the obsession, but you won’t get unstuck by ignoring it. The very fact that it’s knocking you so hard over the head and heart means that you have an issue that needs to be resolved. The only way to resolve it is to confront it head on.

Wow. Good point.

If there are no difficult Pluto aspects, then I start looking for other indicators. Neptune aspects sometimes tell me that the client isn’t seeing the reality of the situation. For example, he or she may wish to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t interested or available. If this is the case, I ask what that person represents to the client. Unfortunately, this puts me in a tough position, because I have to deliver the bad news that the desired lover is in all probability not The One, and that’s not what they want to hear.

Occasionally, I see very close karmic connections between the client and the person he or she is obsessing about. In many ways, these cases are even more challenging than the aforementioned situation, because there are complications. After all, if two people destined to fall in love meet, date, and marry, they usually don’t need me! The only time I’m called in is when one person is either unaware of the connection or is aware but in a committed relationship already.

Oooh.