Saturn Return Can Bite Me

December Planet Waves

Here.

Taurus (April 19-May 20)
The time has arrived to tighten up your act. I mean your whole act — there is no point practicing your singing if you don’t also work on your dancing. The issue may manifest initially as a desire to get your financial life in order. That’s a kind of ruse. What you’re waking up to is that you have two separate value systems that are in conflict with one another, and it’s time to make some choices. It could be something as simple as the conflicting belief pattern that on the one hand believes you want more money, while simultaneously thinking that money is evil, or that people who have money are evil. Both of those beliefs cannot be together in the same room, and you may have a few of those. While you’re working that one out, there is something unusually powerful in your chart right now that describes putting your whole identity into whatever you do creatively. Your creative process is not about choosing one thing at the expense of others, but rather about an ethic or method whereby you put your whole self and all of your talent into everything you do. Again the theme is about getting away from the sense of having a divided character, which is the sensation of any one part of your life competing with any other part of your life. You are one person, experiencing one whole existence. Experiencing this potential may seem daunting, though it’s simply a true fact.

 Oh, I know what that is. The conflict of "should be saving money and not having fun" vs. "I want it and I want it NOW and I don't care about waiting until later and I get no buzz or happiness from not shopping." Fuck if I know how to handle this since "later" just has zero effect on my priorities in the moment of "ooh, cool shiny thing or awesome book!"

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22)
The word is precision. To be precise, that’s the word between now and July 3, 2012. Precision applies to three things mainly: desire, decisions and emotions. Your quest is to find out precisely what you want. At all times, know what your options are, and count as a good day any day where you have at least two choices in any matter. Finally you must direct your emotions with precision, at the right temperature, particularly toward friends and associates — but especially toward yourself. All of this would fall under the general heading of intentions: knowing them and using them with discretion. That said, it would be a mistake to be too much of a hard-ass, and that is a real risk. Many of the most nourishing and profound developments in life come from a mix of discipline and creativity. While Mars, your traditional ruling planet, will soon be retrograde in Virgo, Chiron is in Pisces, a water sign similar to your own. That means indulging the part of your mind that moves in three dimensions; that engages with the world intuitively; that goes beyond the facts and details into a kind of visionary space where your mind creates something new. As Neptune enters Pisces early next year, that becomes even more meaningful. Precision is therefore the vehicle, but your ultimate destination is disciplined creativity. Keep contact with how much flexibility, gentleness and authenticity are necessary to handle actual, original ideas — and in the coming months, count on giving birth to lots of them.

Uranian posting

Use your Uranus.

(1) Figure out your natal Uranus-Aqua – how Uranian you are and how you can max that out so as to thrive in the Zap Zone.

(2) Then look to your Zero Aries point as that’s where things are likely to flashpoint in the next six weeks. Change; could be challenging, could be amazing. Either way, it’s a shakeout of stagnant energy.

(3) How well do you incorporate Uranian energy into your life? Look to harmonious aspects made by your natal Uranus for cues as to how to do this the (relatively) easy way.  

Hm. Still in my fifth house...well, let's hope for some good art projects or something.

Uranus in Aries.

As Uranus sweeps through the Aries part of your life it spotlights who you really are. The types of relationships/lovers you’re actually attracted to. The kind of career you really want. The sort of lifestyle that would honestly make you happy. Thing is, Uranus works through radical change so it’s a guarantee that some people in your circle will be offended/shocked/disapproving of the new you. And while this is distressing, it can’t be helped. When Uranus blows through it pushes you forward. Those that can’t (or won’t) keep up will get left behind.

Easier said than done when those left behind are family members or partners. And please note that I am not advising you to dump your friends/family and start from scratch (the shadow side of Uranus involves cutting everyone off). No. The best way to handle a Uranus transit is to give others the chance to accept your changes. Be open about your plan to embrace reality (because there’s nothing more real than your true purpose). Then do it and let others catch up. Freedom, remember? You must give everyone the freedom to accept you (or not).

Well, I have been trying to do that...slowly telling people here and there about my future plans. People are taking it bizarrely well so far, but then again, I'm not exactly putting pedal to the metal yet. I expect more drastic freakouts--from me first, of course--to come.

I keep wanting to back out on this stuff, when I think about how broke I'm going to be, how possibly homeless, how I may have to work as a barista, IF I GET LUCKY and I can't stand the smell of coffee, how I may never have health insurance again...

Except for the part where Uranus is gonna run through my sixth house no matter what, if I quit or I don't. And it might be better to just get out on my own and all that. I say that since my "busy season" ended right before Thanksgiving again and now commences the long drag of trying to keep myself looking busy until midsummer, wondering if I'm going to get canned...

The Sagittarius lunar eclipse and how it literally went for me.

On Thanksgiving night, my laptop was having issues. It's been doing this weird thing where the power would go off if I touched the right side of my laptop, even briefly or accidentally. I had brought it to my aunt's house and was trying to use it on the couch...so it was blowing out a lot. And finally it just refused to turn on any more.

Naturally, I freaked out. The laptop is 3 years old (as of guess when, Thanksgiving) and while it could be in the range of early death, it really shouldn't be yet. But I've had a screen blow out before and I know that's not fixable. It's not like I was likely to find someone to diagnose it over the weekend...should we be trying to immediately do a Black Friday sale to get a new laptop...oh shit! I was thinking that was the second house eclipse issue right there: sudden financial hosing.

But I got lucky. The laptop turned on the next day, and I figured out that it was plugging my ancient mouse into the laptop that was blowing out the power. Without that mouse, it's doing just fine.

As for the actual day, I bizarrely managed to avoid spending money at craft fairs all day long. I bought my mom a ring for Christmas at her request and that was it. Alas, the restraint didn't last at the NEXT DAY's craft fair, mind you, but it was kind of amazing that I didn't really fall "in love" with anything, or buy more alpaca roving the way I did there every year.

More eclipse writing

Eclipses on the ascendant: Oh, I remember the year this happened to me...my dad went into the hospital until he died a couple of months after that. Fun times.

"The Ascendant and Descendant are, of course, important relationship points in the chart. When an eclipse falls close to one of these angles, it’s common to find yourself getting into or out of an important relationship. This was certainly true for me when I was younger. An eclipse close to my Ascendant in 1984 brought a bad relationship to a critical point so that it could finally end. In 1993, an eclipse opposed my Ascendant nine days before a good relationship reached a critical point, and I got married.

The common denominator if these eclipse/Ascendant events is that relationships changed. And yes, the astrology of eclipses is about change – but change can be joyful and welcome as well as tragic and miserable. And not all eclipses in aspect to the Ascendant bring such dramatic changes. You have to have a dramatic ascendant to begin with (mine kind of is, squared by Uranus, Pluto, and the Lunar Nodes). And honestly, you have to be at a developmental stage in your life when dramatic events are more likely. One’s twenties and thirties are pretty much a long-running soap opera."

Dancing With Change:

"Seeds planted and intentions set will develop over the next six months and even the next 19 years."

Actually, looking back at this one...I don't remember what happened in the 90's so much, but in 2003, I did get broken up with within 3 months. 

Well, at least nobody's dying or dating me, so I can skip those fun times! I assume my eclipse-ing will be revolving around spending too much money on getting a car...ugh, but there you go.

Powerful eclipse writing

"A solar eclipse in Sagittarius, then—and especially one conjunct the Moon's North Node, as this one is—is a cosmic shove ahead, whether or not we feel we've adequately readied a detailed timeline or sorted out our emotions in advance of stretching toward this next frontier. You can never really be prepared for something you've never done before… which is sort of the whole point of galloping out to those further reaches, isn't it? We get outside our familiar environs (literally or in a certain sense) in order to spur this exploratory way of looking at the world, unspoilt by expectation or habit. This eclipse's trine to Uranus in Aries supportively feeds this 'try something new' quality, inspiring us to risk comfort in favor of experiential discovery."

 

Oh, this is hilarious

This week's Michael Lutin:

SCORPIO AND SCORPIO RISING

Talk about being locked in, strung out, and holed up in solitude!
Who can blame you, though?
With the Sun in your first house
and the ruler of your third in he twelfth,
who better to talk to
then yourself,
especially when you've made sure you ar all alone and nobody else is around to hear?
This is you.
You periodically need to pull the covers up around your head
to lick your wounds and figure out the next step.
While you are not at all ready to completely reenter the human world,
you do have to celebrate with people once in a while.

Hah, I am literally being locked in this week, avoiding other humans whenever possible. Too bad that's not totally doable. I'd love to find my own private island to finish out the month.

Grr.

I really hate that this big effing deal eclipse--which as I've already mentioned, is gonna be a biggie for me-- is right on/around Thanksgiving. Which means I can't do anything magical for it because of my fam-damn-ily being around. And they are not cool with such things.

GRRRRR. Basically I'm just ranting because I was hoping I wouldn't have to go there until the 24th (the relatives live about an hour and a half away), but nooooo, we simply must meet up Wednesday night. I will probably have to leave immediately after work too. No time for me there, nuh-uh.

Ugh. It kind of feels like a jinx already given the Family Time aspect of this.

Eclipse fears

The next eclipse is on my moon...and oh god:

"Eclipses closely conjoining, opposing, or squaring your most stressed natal planet or aspect can coincide with dramatic external events — the death of someone close to you, an illness, a job change or relocation, a great romance, a divorce; like depression. In any event these times or simply profound internal events,are often marked by events so dramatic they seem to take place in a dream state of suspended animation; when we regain consciousness the entire landscape of our lives have changed.

Look to “personal” planets, particularly the Sun and Moon, in difficult aspect to the outer planets (Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto) to find your most sensitive planetary combination. My Moon/Pluto square, for instance, is extremely sensitive to eclipse aspects, inevitably heralding profound events which force me to confront my fear of loss. On the other hand, eclipses aspecting my fairly happy natal Venus (trine Neptune, sextile Pluto) usually presage fairly pleasant transitions.

Unless an eclipse triggers a “high tension” planet or aspect in your natal chart, or one of the angles, you are likely to experience it as a subtle or psychological influence. About every nine and a half years the pivotal planet will receive a solar or lunar eclipse conjunction or opposition, and each time you navigate this pivotal eclipse “season” you have another opportunity to face your fear — perhaps a fear of anonymity (the Sun), of disconnection (the Moon), of authoring your own life (Saturn), of sudden change (Uranus).

Not all eclipses are associated with what we think of as unhappy events. Many coincide with events which are joyous — a marriage, say, or the birth of a child. These eclipse events are in some ways more traumatic than tragic ones, because we don’t expect to be frightened or disoriented by them, and receive little support from others for our feelings (“For heaven’s sake, can’t you even enjoy it when something good happens to you?”). But the energy of eclipses is crisis, a crossroads, a turning point. Choosing something good for your life — a partner, a child, a high powered career — necessarily means closing the door on something else (life as a single person, total freedom, relative lack of responsibility). It’s normal to mourn loss, even loss that’s necessary to clear your path to joy."

Since mine is in the second house...you know, I know my money is going to go away if I am planning on getting a car and moving without a job. So I am planning on doing it to myself, really, eclipse or no eclipse.

Mine is equally stressed (in a T-square) and unstressed (two trines), so...yeah, it'll probably be bad. Giving up on having the amount of money I have been comfortable living on in order to move. Ugh. Not something I want to think about in the Season of Spending.

I get really tired of hearing this (a rant)

This week's Michael Lutin:

TAURUS AND TAURUS RISING

It’s clear that your greatest hope for wealth and prosperity at this moment
will come through a joint venture with another human being (or corporate giant).
To insure the success of any venture,
you can’t procrastinate or use too many manipulative stall tactics to resolve any financial issues.
You have to cooperate.
Funny, too, we see a love interest in there too.
Is there a Virgo in your life whose doing some healthy chomping on your heart?

SCORPIO AND SCORPIO RISING

You have to be into people now.
Yes, we know. You can barely stand to be out in public for too long without rushing home to your bed,
but...you cannot not totally retreat into your underground cave,
no matter what private wounds you are nursing.
You have friends.
You have connections.
You have work to do out in the world.
People both stimulate and irritate you and will continue to do so.
It’s not a curse.
It keeps you from disappearing into your own head.

GodDAMN I am tired of being told to partner, partner, partner. I need a buddy! I need someone to hold my hand and tell me what to do! Blah blah buddy system.

Right. Um, yeah, I don't think this is happening. As usual.

It seems like when I flat out ask someone for something, the answer is no. Almost always it's a no, whether or not it's for a good reason (okay, fine, that happens, people are busy) or not. About the only way I've ever had anything happen for me is when someone else came up with the idea totally on their own--- without me so much as hinting, much less asking.* It does not feel like the process is under my control. I've done spells/prayers and the like asking for help and got nowhere. Actually asking gets nowhere. Hinting gets you nowhere and is also annoying, even to me. So how, pray tell, am I supposed to do the Buddy System of Life here?

I posted a bitchrant online about this wondering how the hell one fixes it, and someone pointed out that people are only willing to help if you are absolutely drowning and screaming for help**, or if it's for A Good Cause. Well...neither of those are my situation. I can't whine that I am drowning because I can't get anyone to help me learn how to parallel park, you know?*** Even if I wanted to, and asking for help already makes me feel like more of a whiny brat than I already am as is.  Yeah, I probably don't do it the Right and Magical Way making it sound like An Adventure Of Fun, but as far as I can tell, and from having my shrink vet how I ask, I wasn't being offensive.

And really, this has always been the case for like...about everything. I don't ask people to do activities with me any more because if I do, it doesn't happen. When I scheduled the meetings for NaNoWriMo, people stopped showing up, so I quit that. If someone makes me an offer, and I say yes, then it's fine, but if I initiate...forget it. I came out as a "Generator" in that weird Human Design thing, which I thought sounded weird at first, but in practice, it kind of explains why I can't seem to initiate goddamned anything that requires other human beings. I get nowhere if I try. I just have to sit around fucking waiting for a miracle, apparently...which is passive and annoying.

So, what the fuck do I do if one does not happen?

I bought a book over the weekend called "The Aladdin Factor" that is supposed to deal with this "how to ask for help" thing. I hope that does...something.

* I must note that in my family, someone else making the offer is the only way to get anything. If you ask for something, my parents will/would go fucking ballistic and start screaming, "HOW DARE YOU ASK ME FOR THAT?"

** The other week, my cousin asked my mother for money and Mom made a big deal about how she wouldn't ever give me money if I asked so why should she give cousin what she wouldn't give me...but she gave the cousin money because cousin is deeply fucked up. Hmm, irony. Let's just say I wouldn't count on me drowning to get money out of people.

***And once again, NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO DRIVING SCHOOL. The last place I would recommend that someone learn to drive is at driving school! Driving school messed me up so badly that I am not ever giving another one a "chance." I know I'm irrational about it, but I wouldn't go to a driving school again if they were paying me. 

House of Aquarius

So I have Aquarius as my fourth house and frankly, it does not strike me as the "home and family" house wroth a damn.

Finally, this kind of makes that make sense:

"The House of your astro chart with Aquarius on the cusp?

It’s where you’re already living in the future and/or another dimension. Both concurrently? Why not?  Because it’s not like you consider the Time-Space continuum to be linear or anything.

It’s the area of life where you could be seen as sociopathic, your detachment is that advanced here.  Sentiment is not only naff, it clogs your aura, dampens your Qi, could even lead to candida.

The Aquarius house of your chart is where you’re bats but so brilliant. Everyone thinks you’re a flake in this regard but then wham; you were right all along. Beyond right – genius.

So Aqua in the 4th House means you bring this other-worldly consciousness to chez You, real estate and your attitude toward family of origin."

Yeah, I absolutely don't fit in with my family, or with the entire idea of a snuggly-wuggly warm home either. The entire concept is alien to me. Detached? Definitely.