So, ever had anyone point out that your dreams are inadequate enough that you're not going to be able to do them?
...Yeah. I had that go on. It was pretty much like an anvil dropping on my head. All concrete, realistic advice. I'm not offended. I needed the anvil on my head because god knows a girl doesn't get anywhere with her head swollen up with dreams and no way to do them. But...yeah, it sucks. I don't have specific goals that I can do with my life. The top things I want to do--well, l don't have the body or the skills or emotional toughness to do them.
Between that and someone I know making a life step that I really wish I could take--and of course, can't do that either-- well, welcome to the shame spiral. Well, I originally typo'd "same spiral," but same difference, you know?
If it's a question of "evolve or evaporate," I think I will just disappear. And definitely I feel like it's a question of give up, rather than surrender. Because I don't feel "a greater energy." I feel like none is coming into my life. I have dedicated the last five years to figuring out what I want to do and uh...I have nothing I WANT to do that I CAN do. I am way tired of waiting. I need to either find it right this second or give up trying because I can't take the limbo and the passing time without anything happening any more. I can't wait another bunch of years and hope a miracle swoops in, 'cause it's not.
I am just passing time at this point. Because that's all I got.