Love and creative expression can hurt.
When you allow yourself
f to experience
the only truly joys there are,
you open yourself to
the highest form of ecstasy,
happiness and the compassion
that enlivens the soul.
You also lay yourself bare
to unspeakably excruciating
longing and grief.
Some people avoid pain
and live without love.
Romance, children, artistry–
for you they are everything."
Hah. As if on the first two.
Mercury in your opportunities sector has triggered ideas/information in the areas of long distance travel, education, legal matters and publishing. As it turns Rx, a new development in one of these areas may stall, or you may revisit an old contact/idea involving one of these areas. Your big picture philosophies/ideals may also be under revision as you’re compelled to re-examine issues around right/wrong/justice. Now is not the time to expand or explore; you’ve dipped your toe in the water, but there’s other things to consider, first. Use extra caution if you’re signing any official or legal documents (double check all details and be prepared for changes).
Well, that's pretty much been going on. I wanted to plan a short private trip for myself, but that's stalled out. Mostly because other obligations/trips with someone else have come up instead, but also because I can't find anywhere I actually want to GO to for the purpose I had in mind.
"Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22)
In most of my recent Scorpio commentaries, I’ve explored the concept of fear, and the way your charts are describing how you’re working it out. The sum total of this topic is that the most poignant, threatening subject of fear is oneself. This manifests many ways, including as fear associated with dropping the charade and being oneself. It’s always fear that keeps the game of being ‘someone else’ going. It manifests as fear of one’s potential. Or it can express itself as the quality of needing to hide behind a barricade, concerned what will happen if you come out. And one of the most common, and for you debilitating, ways it can manifest is fear of your sexuality. All of the pseudo-conservatism we are seeing in our current era of history, and false modesty and intentional ignorance of biology, are all expressions of fear of sex and sexuality. This is especially distressing and debilitating for you because your sign is all about sex: the sign that in ancient astrology rules the sex organs, and in modern astrology one’s hormones, desire and the nuances of attraction. Because life emerges from sex, the fear of sex, in any form, is fear of life. You who want to be alive need to align with your desire and your erotic power, as if it were the cosmic gift that it actually is."
Huh. I was feeling like I related to this one until it got to the sexual part.
Well, the Grand Cross has started to kick in for me. Whee.
The first event was on Mother's Day. As I've probably grumbled about before, my mom's birthday and Mother's Day are either around or on the same day. This year her friend made arrangements for a birthday celebration to go on for her and another friend in the olde hometowne, so I drove down there. My mother saw that my sunroof (which I never use and tend to forget exists) was "sticking up funny" and kept nagging and nagging me to 'fix it." I hadn't the faintest idea how to "fix it," but the car was definitely NOT leaking rain--I can say that because a rainstorm had broken out on me while I was driving home. I kept telling her to leave it alone and it wasn't broken and it wasn't leaking and I refused to try to "fix it."
Eventually she just lost it and climbed on the car herself and broke the rod that was preventing the wind and rain from getting in OFF THE CAR. Because by god, she was gonna fix it despite having no clue as to how to do it! And thus she CAUSED the problem that she was trying to fix. Presumably after that point the sunroof lost a lot of other parts that must have been flying off the car while I had to drive it home. And the ride home was VERY LOUD, VERY WINDY, AND VERY SHRIEKY. I was going out of my damn mind on the freeway.
I spent the week getting various car people to look into the situation. The final verdict is that (a) I can't fix it myself in class, and (b) it will cost a ton of money to totally fix the sunroof and somewhat less money to just seal off the sunroof. I suppose the situation can wait a bit given the weather, and while the mechanics did break more parts off the car door(!) during their attempts to figure out what needed fixing, it at least isn't making horrible whistling noises while driving on the freeway any more. I'd almost think it wasn't broken, though I don't know how it will function in a driving rainstorm yet. So it's not super urgent quite yet....but worrisome.
Mom and I are negotiating who pays for it, i.e. it should be her, which she admits to. On the other hand, given how much it's gonna cost, I don't know if she'll actually go through with it or not.
And then another problem blew up: someone I know is in trouble and I have agreed to publicly support her in her problem. I probably should have thought it out beforehand that the public-ness of it might not be the best idea for me, if you know what I mean. I'm not the only one joining in, which might help the ramifications a bit, and I've got someone high enough up to bat for me for the next few years so that might help too. But...I don't know. Most of me is all, "This isn't right, and I'm gonna say so," but realistically. I probably should have cowered and kept my mouth shut so as to not have the shit hit me too.
Sigh. Well, I did it to myself in the end, I suspect.
"SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): The recent few months' relative crazy—and I sincerely mean no disrespect by using the term 'crazy', merely to reference the odd discontinuities or mystical experiences that have dotted this time-period—is ready for you to start making coherent meaning of it, Scorpio. Incidentally, the meaning-making process does provide more choices and alternatives than may be immediately apparent, for what we experience can always be legitimately read in lots of different ways. And I also don't wish to imply all the crazy is over either (it probably isn't)… though, even if there are still a couple surprises waiting in the wings, you've already gotten a pretty complete picture of the general gist. Now it's on you, courtesy of the ever-bearing-down Saturn trining Jupiter-in-your-9th, to turn this strange chapter into a crowning inauguration: With Mars direct again, this is the beginning of you becoming more and more of the person you're being called to rise into, whether by inner-voice or spiritual-purpose or knowledge-of-your-unique-contribution. If you still need more palpable clues to this calling's direction, please ask for them from your version of the Great Divine. You will get answers in the weeks ahead."
Well, I've been asking, but so far no answer.
Mars direct in your hidden sector can light a secret fire (that’s been smouldering for months) or signal a deeper awareness that now is the moment to let go. The timing wasn’t right for so long, but now you’ll feel a shift and want to press forward. However, know that much is still unclear; it’s cooking, but it’s not quite ready yet. Continue to prepare, but save the definitive action for when Mars enters your sign (in July). Meanwhile, the Sun in your sector of shared resources turns your attention to deeper matters; self-evaluation, private conversations, investigation, or a close look at your finances may be coming up.
"And I think I’m beginning to understand that while preparation is key to receiving the world’s bounty – and hard work is part of that preparation – so is the ability to articulate what you want, and the willingness to claim it. It’s important to use all your gifts to create a life that is a sincere offering to the gods, but prosperity is a dance you must do with the unseen forces of the collective. You can’t achieve prosperity in a vacuum, not unless you own a mint. Prosperity is not a closed system; the money you hope to attract has to come from other people. And the minute you demonstrate a willingness to accept help from the collective, the oppressive weight of trying to earn a living is immediately cut in half. There’s no shame in letting others carry you part of the way along your journey."
It’s important to prepare the Cosmic Bun of Goodwill and Intention, to do the work of finding the stream, and to drive down to the water to send it on its way. But once you’ve done your part, maybe it’s perfectly all right to let your offering be carried along downstream in the wind, or stuck to the bottom of a boat, or even in the belly of a duck – propelled by collective forces that can carry your wishes far beyond the limited reach of your own, small imagination."
This kind of thing drives me nuts. I haaaaaaaaaaaate depending on the kindness of strangers--or even friends and family because everyone is flaky. I always feel like if I can't get it done alone and have to wait for heeeeeeelp, then I'm screwed. Of course, I'm kind of in a rage about this topic right now because my mom decided to break the sunroof of my car by "helping me fix it" (it was fine! not broke! told her multiple times to stop and she would not!) and now I have to look for heeeeeeeeeeelp and attempt to get ahold of car dealers--which flips me out now because I don't trust dealers worth a damn and they can tell me any ol' level of bullshit and I'm not going to know differently. I am taking an auto mechanics class right now to learn things like that, i.e. what's bullshit and what's not, but this time even the instructor was all, "You're screwed."
GRRRRRRRRRRRR. I hate dependency.
"Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): It’s your month! Happy birthday! I just shuffled some cards for you, heart-friend, thinking that they would tell me something I don’t already know. Well, if you know anything about divination (earth magician you), then you know the way an unfolding can feel familiar—as if it was never meant to be otherwise. While shuffling, the Queen of Hearts (cups) jumped out at me. I kept going, but it was pointless. The Queen lingered, winking her rose quartz light at me. Taurus, Venus is your maker. She’s right above you, your hot pink star. Everything in you is getting the go-ahead. Your affection is a treasure that the world wants to kiss deeply and for a long time.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Hey Moody. How’s that mood going? Shifting every hour? Crying into your tea then sighing deeply with love for the small buds opening outside? Cool. It’s cosmic, Sister, let it ride. Oh wait; you can’t let anything ride. Ok, here’s what you should not do: feel the sadness and wade deeper. You know what I mean: “Oh look, here’s a wound I haven’t noticed, let me prod it.” Prodding old wounds is a favorite past time of yours, I recognize that, but this month be easy with yourself. Tend your tenderness. Go watch a sad movie and cry about something that has no relation to you. Bake yourself a pie, a rhubarb strawberry pie. It’s seasonal, the perfect balance of sour and sweet, like you."