Speed-Reading Book Nerd Reviews

This is a good point.

Ratings systems and their issues.

So, for the record, this is what my star ratings mean:

5 stars = FREAKING EPIC, gigantic story, everything works well, my mind is blown that a human being thought this up.

4 stars = love this book, it's just not as humongous in scope as a 5. But it's totally awesome and everyone should read it, it's a keeper.

3 stars = mixed feelings (this is where the "I think others might like it, it's just not for me" reviews are likely to go). Not that bad, but has some issues, or it's an okay story but nothing really stands out to me as being memorable. It was a pleasant enough read for a few days, but I'll probably just end up giving the book away rather than rereading it again.

2 stars = generally pretty terrible, but not 100% so. There was at least one thing in this book that made it not totally horrible. This book isn't really recommended to all and sundry, but you might get some value out of the one thing if you try.

1 star (rarely seen here): It's a wallbanger. Nothing is redeemable about this book, it's utter crap, and I probably only finished reading it so I could do an awesome bitchrant about it and I can't justify doing that to books I didn't finish.

The More You Know!(TM)

Indexing, Episode 1: Attractive Narcolepsy

By Seanan McGuire.

"We fight fairy tales for a living. We're the definition of 'people who go among mad people.'"

I miss reading The Human Division. So I am happy to announce that another favorite author of mine has her own serial coming out every 2 weeks now. If you buy it, it's a cheap buy for the ENTIRE book, and your previous Kindle story will upload with the new chapter when it's up. So, yay!

I'm going to review each episode/chapter individually in the way I did the Human Division, so folks can follow along on the fun. Yes, these reviews will be relatively spoilery FOR EACH CHAPTER, so keep that in mind when reading.

Anyway: this series features the ATI Management Bureau, whose motto is "defending happily ever after."

"Fairy tales want to have happy endings, and that's fine--for fairy tales--but they do a lot of damage to the people around them in the process, the ones whose only crime was standing in the path of an onrushing story. We call those "memetic incursions," and it's our job to stop them before they can property get started."

If your life circumstances start mirroring a fairy tale--you fall asleep for a long time, you're an orphan, you've got a stepfamily, you're super good at music...well, the world may start rearranging itself to put you into a fairy tale. And this happens enough that people are indexed into what archetype they fall into--the Aarne-Thompson Index. It sounds like many agents of the ATI are folks who somehow managed to not go down that path. But once some folks start living out the stories, there's no stopping the story on its own.

Our narrator, Henrietta Marchen, was the product of a Sleeping Beauty (#410) who was raped by her doctor. Henrietta and her twin brother, now orphans, were about to become Snow White (#709) and Rose Red before the ATI stepped in. Halfway arrested, Henry has the dead-white skin (and 200 SPF sunscreen requirement), blue eyes, red lips, flowers growing in her hallway and bluebirds killing themselves trying to get into her place....but it's at least stopped there. Her sensitivity to stories comes from being an adjunct to her mother's rather than being the star...so far.

She works with Sloane Winters, who was an averted (#511?) wicked stepsister. While Henry dresses as a MIB, Sloane goes full Goth so that she feels less like she'll slip back into her own story. Due to her circumstances, Sloane is the best at spotting a story forming, and the most uneasy about her job. Unfortunately for her, her special sensitivity to spotting memetic incursions means that Henry can't let her transfer out. There's also Andy, the guy who changes people's minds, and Jeff, who's "fully actualized into his story" (whatever that means?) and the resident archivist. I'm not sure what's up with them as yet.

In this case, a suspected 709--has the looks and fondness for woodland animals--starts feeling ill and drags herself to the hospital. But when Sloane notes there's no 511 in the area...this story turns into a 410. Only in the modern era, that boils down to a new strain of sleeping sickness combined with the H1N1 flu that's gonna start spreading. Of course there's no vaccine for this new disease and anitbiotics won't work and it spreads through the air...what do you do?

Well, once a disease is involved...."it falls under the AT Index for 'vermin,' and if the problem is vermin, we can resolve the story with another story." Time to find a 280....a piper/new recruit named Demi Santos.

Will this problem be resolved? Will Demi survive this new knowledge/sudden actualization? Will Sloane stop being angry at Henry for requiring her to activate a girl who could have ducked the narrative?

I guess we'll see.

I will admit that this was a little harder for me to get into than other books of this author's. It took me awhile to get where it was going. And Henry....well, in all honesty, she's a little scary. But with good reason, I think. Ditto Sloane. I'm not sure how I feel about these people yet, I think I'm still feeling out things. I'm going to give it three and a half stars, mostly because I think I'm just figuring out how I feel as yet. It made more sense on the reread while I was writing this review, though, and the overall concept is QUITE promising/terrifying....as fairy tales are. So yeah, I look forward to episode 2 and seeing where this is going.

Oh, updated to add that this website has a long excerpt of #1, so you can figure out if you want a taste of this or not.

Too Many Curses

By A. Lee Martinez.

Nessy is a kobold housekeeper (er, castlekeeper) for the evil wizard Margle the Horrendous. She does the cleaning, the cooking, and the feeding of the various magical creatures lurking around the castle. Margle likes to turn his enemies (or anyone who pissed him off, really) into some random weird animal/spirit/thing/god knows what, so there's tons and tons of castle residents to talk to or feed body parts to, whichever they prefer. Since a good chunk of them aren't evil, that gives Nessy some folks to chat with.

Nessy is a resolutely practical woman who is weird enough to not mind--perhaps even prefer?--working for evil wizards rather than living with the other kobolds. She fakes being properly afraid of Margle when he's around, but overall isn't too fazed by him or her inevitable sudden violent death at his hands (she assumes, reasonably). Here's her feelings on her employer:

"Margle was an exceptionally generous master, meaning that he was generally too busy to bother yelling at her, and when he did, he usually threw things not dangerously hard or sharp and missed more often than not."

Anyhoo, when Margle comes home one night planning to sacrifice her to the nurgax seed he's brought home, she's mildly relieved to get her inevitable awful death over with in a quick manner. You see, nurgaxes upon hatching eat the first living creature they see, and then imprint on the second living creature it sees, for life. Margle wants himself a rare, exotic pet...However, when hero-turned-fruit bat Sir Thedius hits his limit and attacks Margle at that moment, he slips, the seed breaks, Nessy hides, and Margle is eaten....and then the nurgax loves Nessy forever instead.

I haven't mentioned yet that a nurgax is a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater (though really, he just eats the one person). THAT'S ADORABLE!

That is, of course, when things get weirder than usual. Nessy's waiting for all the other wizards to somehow magically know about Margle's death and start running in to take his shit--but the only arrival is one very strange/nigh unkillable/surprisingly smooth Tiama the Scarred, who claims to have been invited. This seems unlikely for Margle. The Door At The End Of The Hall is roaming around the castle when it shouldn't be, wanting Nessy to open it(?). A hellhound shows up in the castle, trying to eat all of the dead creatures roaming around--forcing Nessy to make a deal with the firefly demon in the Purple Room to find out how to deal with it (very good scene there). Insane skull Decapitated Dan starts making creepy prophecies. Some kind of Gorgon Mist is showing up to turn people into stone. Eventually Nessy comes to the conclusion that Margle set up spells after his death to take out the entire castle and its inhabitants--which seems kind of odd if he also set up a resurrection spell for himself...

Nessy's got a lot of allies, a little self-taught magical training out of Margle's library, and tons of practicality--and she's going to need all of that to sort this mess out.

I love uber-practical heroines, so I was down with Nessy. I'm still not sure why working for evil wizards appeals to her exactly (other than they don't seem to faze her very much--good for her in the job, but I do wonder why she got into it as an occupation), but she's got a knack for it. She has enough practicality to not super care if she gets killed, and while she'll try to save her cursed castle friends if she can, she knows that may not be possible.

I did kind of feel like there was a "cast of thousands" going on in this one, as new folks are being introduced every few chapters or so. And while a lot of them were interesting--I rather liked Olivia the owl and her boyfriend, Morton the mouse in particular--it did seem like it was hard to juggle the number of random transformed folks in the castle. There's a lot to keep track of and a lot of one scene wonders. I understand that plotwise there should be a lot of transformed folks in the castle that Nessy cares for, but I kind of felt like the "main cast" needed to be kept down a bit and to just feature a few people more prominently than trying to rotate around giving secondary characters more time.

I think the idea that Margle had a self-destruct-ish thing going on after his death is a good plot device, and overall I enjoyed Nessy's trying to figure out how to solve the problem. I'll admit that you expect something to be done about the "too many curses" in the title (uh, not so much), but hey, this author likes the unexpected. I know he doesn't do sequels, but .... I do think this book in particular would have cool sequel potential, whether or not anyone's curse gets broken for good or not.

Overall, I'm going to give it four stars. It's a fun read.

Bad Prince Charlie

By John Moore.

I was intending to give this one a better review right off the bat. I love snarky writing, I love twisted fairy tales, and this one's jokes were right up my alley. In fact, the man is ballsy enough to put footnote jokes from his own (authorial) POV snarking that since Terry Pratchett and other famous authors use footnotes, so shall he! (He ends up mostly forgetting about using footnotes, mind you, as the plot goes on.) I was pretty much laughing right off the bat. And indeed, the jokes are pretty good going in this one throughout. Except....then the plot gets kinda weird and shoddy/halfassed/confusing and then I wasn't so delighted.

The plot is kinda Hamlet: "Bad" Prince Charlie is the illegitimate (and presumably only) son of the king of Damask, who has just died from having poison poured in his ear and is now haunting the castle. However, there's no wife involved in this one, as the king seems to not have bothered with doing that. Instead, it's his two younger brothers who killed him and who are now scheming to....well, get rid of the kingdom of Damask altogether and have it taken over by rival nation Noile. Instead of having a more useful person take the throne--or themselves--they ask Prince Charlie, who's currently on summer break from college and his shameful engineering major. After all, he's already got the nickname. Why not put him in as prince regent, have him piss off the populace enough to inspire a rebellion, and then have him vamoose when the neighboring realm steps in?

Charlie's totally fine with that--he doesn't like Damask at all and it seems that the entire royal family seems to find it rather useless--but his "bad" reputation apparently came from him eating a girl's dessert. So despite his new all-black wardrobe, he's not exactly the evil chancellor sort. Heck, he only agrees to do the job because his crush, the hot Lady Catherine Durace, is involved in the scheme. He throws her in jail--in the cushy tower end of the jail--and is supposed to be pretending to ravish her against her will. Charlie would rather ravish her with her consent, but...well, who knows there, she's kind of a flirt there. As part of his plan to rile up the populace, he starts chucking the usual noble scheming criminals into the hard part of the jail and annoying their blueblood sons and generally cleaning up this one-horse town and doing whatever the Faithful Family Retainer tells him not to do. I actually kind of admired him doing that level of cleanup and actually giving a shit if it rained in the country or not.

A requirement of kingdom (or prince regent-dom) is that the king has to visit the Cult of Malta, where the High (as in stoned for professional reasons) Priestess gives oracular advice. Or perhaps not. On the one hand, the current HP, Xiao, talks a really good game AND does some freaking awesome predictions involving clay ducks that somehow have pieces of paper in them saying what Charlie just said and answering his questions. On the other hand....there is some hinky shit going on. Plus Xiao seems to have a crush on Charlie--or at least she wants to marry a prince when her term is up so she won't have to get shipped back home to her imitation-land-of-China where being an HP means nothing. It's especially odd that all HP's are teenage girls starting at age 16 and are forcibly retired at 18--what's that about?

And....things get weird. Charlie finds out from his dead ghost dad that the court wizard--who's disappeared-- created a Weapon of Magical Destruction, and god only knows where that is. Catherine Durace turns out to be QUITE THE LITTLE MANIPULATOR, like damn, girl. And...things get weird. And confusing. And I felt like I was missing some plot jumps here and there.

There's also some freaking jarring moments in the book that chucked me out of the story entirely when I was all, "WTF?" Like the scene where Charlie goes up to Catherine's tower prison for the first time to visit her--he's been told she's totally in on the scheme and faking that she's being traumatized by Charlie-- but when he goes into her room and they're alone, she is seriously acting petrified for her life. Um, what?! Isn't she aware that I'm not going to rape her? Charlie asks his uncles about this and they're all, "Oh, she's just Method acting" about it, but why she acts like this in this scene--and not in scenes to come later, where she's clearly in on things and putting on a show for another audience--I still don't know.

Another awkward/creepy/weird scene  was when Charlie is getting annoyed at Xiao for not just freaking telling him straight out what's going to happen--despite knowing what's going to happen, the Cult of Malta deliberately vagues things the shit up "to give them choices"--and randomly spanks her ass. What? And then when she's finally about to answer his question about whether or not Catherine is interested in him back, he suddenly out of nowhere asks instead if it's going to rain this summer. What now? Where'd that U-turn come from? It threw me the hell out of the story--both with Charlie's jerky behavior and just the change of tone in general from a fun read--and I never quite got back.

And while things stayed relatively okay for awhile, as the story went on, things just got strange and confusing and I started wondering why the hell the story was suddenly going in this-or-that of a direction. In the end...the plot was not to my taste. It certainly has twists and turns you don't expect, yes, but I can't say that I was really into the story in the end. Which is a shame. Of course, I'm not sure if I was supposed to be into the story either or if it's just there for the jokes.

But...while I'm at it, I'll mention some of the good jokes and good moments, and leave it to you as to whether or not this kind of thing makes the book a winner for you (assuming you can find it anywhere to buy, anyway--I found it randomly in town).

• Catherine's opening scene in which she and her companion are set upon by highwaymen with colorful names, and Charlie comes along. This made me think it was going to be a better book than it was.
• Coffee shops as a plague sweeping the nations.
• I loved the story of Durk's Beer, how one fellow realized that people don't actually LIKE the taste of beer, so he waters it down and now everyone loves it. "His beer was beautiful to look at, modestly alcoholic, and virtually tasteless. Soon Durk's Beer was the number one beer in the Damask. And that was a source of unending irritation to his grandson, Tommy Durk. Tommy was a beer aficionado." Tommy keeps trying to talk people into micro craft beer...but all they want is Durk's.
• "My dear uncles, you have my admiration. Selling out your country for a mess of pottage, double-crossing your highborn friends, betraying the trust of the people--it's the kind of underhanded scheme that makes me proud to be a member of your family, however tenuously."
• The running gag about how the wizard accidentally banished chickens from Damask instead of snakes. Then by the time he figured out snakes, he had to bring them back to kill the vermin.
• The running gag about Oratorio's fratboy career at college.
• "We know what college students are like. We've all heard stories about the parties and the scandalous behavior of coeds. You're a good-looking young man of independent means. I'm sure you had your share of flings."
  "Of course not," snapped Charlie. "I was an engineering major."
  There was a long period of embarrassed silence: "I....I'm sorry, Charlie," said Gregory finally. "I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't know."
• Charlie absolutely not giving a shit about his father's murder and wanting to send his uncles a thank-you note and a bottle of wine instead of avenging.
• Charlie flat-out saying that he has no honor and will not duel, but he'll fight....
• The aforementioned predictions involving clay ducks. Great scene. "No, you won't be having lunch. Just some wine and a cheese plate."
• Divination with barbecued spareribs instead of entrails because none are around right now. (Note: after reading this book, I asked a witch of my acquaintance how the hell anyone divined anything with entrails. She said something about nodules in the body and how it was more about predicting what was happening with the land because the animal lived off the land...I don't know, really.)
• The explanation of how women's parts used to be played by boys, and how nowadays everyone just wants to see women wearing pantaloons on stage instead. "There's a new style of play being developed, in which the male leads are in drag. I'm told that women find them hilarious."
• "Martin and Marianne were young lovers from rival, feuding families. Overcoming great obstacles, they managed to marry and consummate their love in the first two acts. The rest of the play was then taken up by arguments over which set of in-laws they were going to visit for the holidays."

For humor alone, I'd give it three stars. For plot, I'd give it 2.5 stars. Overall review...I'm going to say 2.5 stars, because after awhile the "meh" plot overwhelms the funny.

13 Little Blue Envelopes

By Maureen Johnson.

I've been trying to read this book in e-book for...months now, I guess? I keep skipping out of it to go read more interesting e-books, which is saying something. I finally bit the bullet and finished this one while waiting around at the airport. It was...okay, I guess...but I think overall this is just kinda Not My Thing, but may be someone else's thing. So keep that in mind when you read the review.

Sentences ending in an asterisk (*) are referring to things that I will discuss below the spoiler cut.

The plot: 17-year-old Ginny Blackstone had a beloved Aunt Peg. Aunt Peg was a wild child artist who roamed the world and didn't settle down and just did what the heck she felt like. (She is repeatedly referred to as "your mad aunt" or "Your Runaway Aunt" throughout the book.) However, after another months-long disappearance, Aunt Peg eventually died of cancer three months ago. Ginny gets the title envelopes in the mail posthumously from her aunt, who is sending her on a quest across Europe. Her funds will be supplied (er, until she runs out of money, anyway), and she can't bring more than a backpack and NO electronics or Internet allowed. (Not that Aunt Peg can check this from beyond the grave, mind you.) Ginny is to open the envelopes at certain times and places when prompted and do what the letters say. Amazingly, Ginny's parents don't apparently object to this.

So Ginny bounces around Europe, following the instructions. The instructions are along the lines of "Give this large chunk of money to an artist you'd like to patronize" and "Go stay with this random friend of mine in Amsterdam." Unfortunately for Ginny, these things don't always go smoothly. I know Aunt Peg flew by the seat of her pants in life and yet somehow would miraculously find someone to crash with, but what with the failure to communicate travel plans from beyond the grave and all, it means that at one point Ginny is instructed to stay with someone who no longer lives there. Which leads her to have to stay in the world's skeeziest hostel (eeeeeesh!), followed by getting temporarily adopted by a super-perky set of parents.* To quote from the Amazon review: "The reason Ginny is sent to meet certain people is not always clear; sometimes she (and readers) wonder about the point of the exercise." Yeah, that's true.

The reason Ginny is sent to meet certain people is not always clear; sometimes she (and readers) wonder about the point of the exercise.There is also, of course, a boy. Because there has to be a boy. The boy in this case is Keith, the English creator of "Starbucks: The Musical" that Ginny decides to patronize (as an artist), with awkward results. I'll be honest with you, I didn't really see the charms of Keith. He wasn't terribly charming or interesting to me, AND even from the beginning he came off to me as the sort of dude who will flake out on you at any minute, even if he lived in the same country as you. Feh, I didn't really give a shit about Keith.

Eventually, there are some twists to the story. Some of which I guess made sense, but others I found frustrating. You figure out as you go on that Peg is trying to have Ginny retrace a pilgrimage(?) Peg herself made in the past--but why? There's one surprise reveal that was kind of nice, but in retrospect, I thought it was weird that this was never clarified earlier.** Another one just kind of drove me crazy and from what I've heard, sounded like it was more for sequel bait than anything else*** Maybe other people are okay with this, maybe it's considered "artsy" or meaningful, I don't know. But it was annoying to me, and I just can't say that I was into it as a writing choice.

Overall, it's okay. The characters are mostly on the okay/bland/barely sketched in (that Knud guy? Huh?) side. Ginny is okay, but doesn't exactly stand out as a memorable personality. The plot itself is kind of weird and contrived, and like I said, has some failures here and there built into it. Possibly about the only thing that really stood out to me is Posthumous Aunt Peg, who sparkles on the page, even through a few short letters. She has more personality and spunk and creativity and daring than well, everyone else in the book--though she's clearly trying to pass that on to Ginny as best she can from beyond the grave. I guess Ginny is working on it.

Three stars.

The Human Division: all chapter reviews

By John Scalzi.

Previous books in this series are reviewed here.

Even though I read this book in chapters when they were being individually released--and I talked about them In Great Detail here already-- I am going to attempt to write up an overall review for folks who are reading the book in one go. As per my usual generally-observed-unless-that-makes-review-writing-awkward spoiler policy, I'm going to attempt to not talk about the latter half of the book's events so much because that seems spoilery.

What's the book about, overall? Well, after the events of The Last Colony, the Colonial Union is kind of up shit creek. Earth is pissed the hell off and has cut off the recruiting process. So not only are they up shit creek, they are like, "we estimate that our current system of running things means that we're all dead in 30 years. Probably shorter." Without a steady stream of new meat soldiers and colonists coming from Earth, the current system is unsustainable. The CU's game plan at this point in time boils down to: (a) woo Earth back, and (b) we need to start dealing with other races with diplomacy rather than warfare. Less soldier death, more negotiation. The ambassadors have become a lot more important under this game plan...

This leads us to the ambassador team that we'll be focusing on in The Human Division, led by Ambassador Abumwe. She's a difficult woman, which is probably why she's been kind of B-level in her assignments. But she's not all bad, and god knows her support team has some all-stars in it. The best of them all is techie genius Lt. Harry Wilson, originally shown in Old Man's War. Along with his best buddy/deputy ambassador Hart Schmidt, Harry is a freaking genius at figuring out what's gone wrong, and getting his people out of tight/deadly situations. This skill of Harry's turns out to be desperately needed, as the folks on the ship Clarke immediately become a target for someone who wants to mess up negotiations. Since the Clarke crew turns out to have a knack of dealing with bad situations, they get more and more responsibility as the book goes on.

This rapidly becomes a theme of the book: someone is trying to mess up negotiations. Specifically, some unknown party is trying to pick fights and make it look like the CU and the Conclave are attacking each other. Except...well, that's not the case. So who the hell wants them to be fighting?

Interspersed with the chapters featuring the men and women of the Clarke are some one-off chapters. Frequently the folks in those one-offs aren't going to be around one way or another for the rest of the series, but those chapters do reveal the machinations that are going on that the main characters will be finding out about the hard way.

There's a few flaws in the ointment--there's a lot of ah, convenient moments/coincidences/objects around that help folks to solve problems/save the day, kind of a lot. Enough to make you wonder if it's lazy writing or a conspiracy. I'm not the world's biggest fan of one-off "day in the limelight and then you get killed" stuff, a la the prologues of bad mystery novels, but I do admit that has its purposes here. A few chapters do kind of feel like side stories/bonus material rather than plot movers, though. And...this ends on a cliffhanger. I warn you now that there is a second book coming, so you won't flip the way that us serial readers did. You'll know a lot of how and what and where by the end of this book, but not so much on the who and why.

Overall, it's a very entertaining book. Scalzi does a great job with his kickass female and male characters alike. I love Harry Wilson and his inventive mind, but I also really loved some of the new introductees like Captain Coloma and Danielle Lowen. I unabashedly am shipping Harry and Danielle, even though they don't have too many opportunities for that sort of thing in between drinking, murder, and explosions. Plus they're from two different worlds, which becomes more awkward as things go on. The mystery is intriguing (if unfinished), and the setups of how these things are happening are done extraordinarily well. I didn't miss the Perry-Sagan crew a bit while reading this, either. So if you're a fan of this series, I'd pick this up.

Overall, the book gets a four star review. I'll be chomping at the bit for the next one to come out.

Now that you've read that... I'm putting all the chapter-by-chapter serial reviews into one link roundup. Except for the last chapter, all chapters are spoilery for the chapter within and previous chapters of the books AND WILL BE SPOILED as such without spoiler space or cuts. So be forewarned. I would recommend replicating the serial experience by only reading each chapter review after you've read the chapter itself, but if you're reading in one chunk, that's up to you.

Also included with the hardcover book is the story After The Coup, a prequel to the adventures of Harry Wilson, which I thought was great fun and shows what you're getting into with that guy. The coda chapter included in the hardcover is not reviewed here since it was not included with the serialization. I may find Some Other Way to read it and mention it later, and if so, I'll update this post. But probably not today, 'cause I'm busy and unlikely to hit the bookstore.

1. The B-Team
2. Walk The Plank
3. We Only Need The Heads
4. A Voice in the Wilderness
5. Tales From The Clarke
6. The Back Channel
7. The Dog King
8. The Sound of Rebellion
9. The Observers
10. This Must Be The Place
11. A Problem of Proportion
12. The Gentle Art of Cracking Heads
13. Earth Below, Sky Above

 

Dragon Haven (Updated Review)

By Robin Hobb.

Here's the sad thing: I apparently read this book in 2010 AND DIDN'T REMEMBER WHATSOEVER THAT I HAD DONE IT. I have a good memory for this sort of thing, so it was kind of horrifying that when I went to go look up the previous book in this series, I found this review. And here I was all proud that I'd dragged my way through book 2...

You know what, I am just gonna write an updated review of this ANYWAY, with more details. And it's gonna spoiler the crap out of it. So it all goes below the spoiler cut.

Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls

By David Sedaris.

I liked this book, subtitled "Essays, Etc." It's on the more thoughtful side than the OMG CRAZY STUFF side--there's really only one "real life" essay that was that level of a shocker--but I enjoyed the thoughtful stuff as well. There are also some fictional monologues included in this one that he includes for teenagers to use in forensics competitions. "I believe these stories should be self-evident. They're the pieces in which I am a woman, a father, and a sixteen-year-old girl with a fake British accent." This is to say that these forensics monologues are scattered throughout the book at random, I suspect deliberately so so as to throw you off when suddenly you are reading Sedaris talking about a wife. So, that's to give you a word of warning.

(Disclaimer: I attended a reading by Sedaris previewing this book in the fall, and was very entertained. Though I am deeply, DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED that the essay he wrote about learning to shoot guns was not in this book! What the hell?!?! I want it!!!!)

Okay, on to the individual essays:

• Dentists Without Borders: Sedaris discusses getting health care in foreign countries and how well, easy it is compared to America.
• Attaboy: This is another "My Crazy Dad" story (of which there are plenty here), talking about the time his dad scared the shit out of a kid that he thought had insulted Sedaris's mother. When he finds out he had the wrong kid, he suddenly offers him ice cream.
• Think Differenter: The first monologue in the book. It's about a jerky guy who abandons families, tries to trick a blind newspaper seller by pretending he has a Canadian accent, and his obsession with portable music.
• Memory Laps: About Sedaris's swimming lessons and competitions as a kid. His dad always plugged the hell out of a rival swimmer, but once David actually wins a race, his dad continues to be a jerk about it...thus leading him to the realization that his dad is never gonna be a "Well Done, Son" guy. "Greg Sakas would have got the same treatment eventually, as would any of the other would-be sons my father pitted me against throughout my adolescence. Once they got used to the sweet taste of his approval, he'd have no choice but to snatch it away, not because of anything he did but because it is in his nature. The guy sees a spark and just can't help but stomp it out." True dat.
• A Friend in the Ghetto: This one's about going to school in North Carolina just after the school system had been desegregated. David decides that he wants to ask out a black classmate of his, since everyone keeps asking him about getting a girlfriend. But how will this go over with his Greek grandmother?
• Loggerheads: This one's about his childhood friendship with Shaun and how they liked to catch wild animals. Also turtles. Also being proto-gay and not knowing exactly what that is, but knowing that you're different. Especially when you walk into the bathroom at the wrong time.
• If I Ruled The World: Forensics monologue #2, about a teen Jesus freak.
• Easy, Tiger: Another essay on trying to learn foreign languages, or at least by using the phrase book.
• Laugh, Kookaburra: This one takes place in Australia. While visiting with a woman named Pat, she introduces David and Hugh to the concept of a metaphorical four-burner stove. One burner is family, one is friends, one is health, and another is work. If you want to be a success, you have to shut off one burner, and if you want to REALLY be successful, you need to shut off two. Deep thoughts there. Oh yeah, and there's also a kookaburra.
• Standing Still: At age 23, David and his sister Gretchen were living together and working menial jobs. One night, Gretchen gets grabbed by a strange black man that she can't really identify to police. That doesn't stop their dad from insisting that all three of them drive around town with a baseball bat looking for the guy, though.
• Just a Quick E-mail: Forensics monologue #3, one I enjoyed. It's from the POV of a smug married bitch who stole her sister's husband and then bitches about only getting a gift certificate for pizzas for the wedding.
• A Guy Walks into a Bar Car: about the time that Sedaris met a strange guy on a train and they proceeded to get wasted. More interesting than it sounds from the description.
• Author, Author: About book tours and how Sedaris likes to hand out condoms to the kids at them. (Hey, I have never seen him do it here! And we have plenty of kids!) It's also about his ego, and not having photographs taken, and Costco.
• Obama!!!!!: This one's about the reaction of Europeans to American politics.
• Standing By: About waiting at the airport and the freaky mothafuckas you run into while you're there. There's evil amounts of snark in this one, which I enjoyed.
• I Break for Traditional Marriage: Forensics monologue #4, a twisted one in which an unhappily married man uses gay marriage as an excuse to slaughter his family. Take that as you will.
• Understanding Understanding Owls: One of my favorites in this one, it's about an in-joke between him and Hugh about a book they own called "Understanding Owls." This eventually led to Sedaris getting the idea to get Hugh a stuffed owl for Valentine's Day, whether he wants one or not. This is generally illegal in a lot of places, but not in the U.K. This leads Sedaris to discover that the taxidermist pegs him right off as the kind of guy who wants to look at pygmy skulls....Warped and fun.
• #2 to Go: I think this one is the funniest essay in the book. It's about going to China, which Sedaris did not enjoy doing because apparently people in China just expel their bodily fluids ALL OVER THE PLACE, ANYWHERE THEY WANT TO. "Last month I saw a kid shit in the produce aisle of our Chengdu Walmart." It's completely shockingly horrifying and funny with it. Also: don't eat the food.
  Two notes about this essay:
  (a) A few years ago when I heard Sedaris read this essay aloud, the people in front of me, who had paid good money to buy these tickets months in advance, walked out in a huff upon hearing it.
  (b) I have relatives who went to China pretty recently. They are obsessed with world travel and I have never heard them say anything bad about a country until I asked my uncle if this shit (har) was true about China. He said it was, and that, among many reasons, was why they didn't like it there too much. He recommends going to Vietnam or Malaysia instead, for the record.
• Health-Care Freedoms and Why I Want My Country Back: Forensics monologue #5, my favorite of the bunch. It's about a bigoted mom who has no idea her son is gay, or that he's talking her into wearing an...interesting...outfit when she goes to protest in Washington. Y'know, the Seattle, Washington. Bwahahahah!
• Now Hiring Friendly People: On a similar note to "Standing By," this one's about being annoyed at the overly chatty lady in front of him at the coffee bar.
• Rubbish: In their new home in England, Sedaris has become obsessed with picking up the trash.
• Day In, Day Out: This one's about how Sedaris took up diary-writing and has continued with it, rather obsessively, to this day.
• Mind the Gap: Forensics monologue #6, about a pretentious teenager who's so obsessed with England that he's kind of ignoring the fact that his mom died.
• A Cold Case: About the time when Sedaris had his passport stolen...with its CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT "Indefinite Leave to Remain" sticker allowing him to live in England. Without it, he can't leave the country--which hurts his line of work. And getting a replacement takes months and months....Awkward.
• The Happy Place: The infamous story about how Sedaris's dad finally talks him into getting a colonoscopy...and he loooooooooves the drugs. This is probably the other major laugh riot one in the book--and ah, especially if you hear him saying it. Comedy gold. I don't even want to hear about such things, and it's funny. Has a wickedly sadistic ending....
• Dog Days: A poem. Kinda along the lines of "88 Lines About 44 Puppies."

Overall, I was quite entertained. Four stars.

Free-Range Knitter: The Yarn Harlot Writes Again

By Stephanie Pearl-McPhee.

There's a fair chunk of books I read that I don't review on this website--which probably explains to you why a speed reader can go awhile without updating here at times.  I kind of figure that weird books I read while going down a research hole probably don't appeal to the general public doing a search on book reviews on a specific book, which is pretty much my audience. Like I just read The Black Swan, which is interesting for the parts of it I understood, but I am probably not smart enough to get the statistics of it. Reviewing stuff like this is kind of difficult. Another sort of book I don't usually review here are the "niche" sort of ones. Anything by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, who's (in her own words) "kind of a knitting philosopher" falls in that category to me. I've read a few of her books and was entertained at the time since I knit and understand most of the jokes, but I haven't actually reread any and when I lost some of them in a flood, I never got around to replacing them. The few I read were kind of fun one-offs, I guess.

This one, however, had some surprising streaks of poignancy in them that made me want to mention them here. Okay, so I figure anyone who has no interest in yarn would read this--and indeed, I'd tell you not to because you'll think all knitters are crazy. Which we are. But what the heck, I'll write a review anyway.

For those who haven't heard of "The Yarn Harlot," the author writes books on knitting, some of which are more instructional and some of which are more like musings. This copy is billed as "a sort of David Sedaris-like take on knitting" (which is why my mother got it for me as a birthday present), and...I wouldn't really argue that. Her essay books frequently discuss the following stuff, which you can find in this one as well:

• Futzing with designs, or having issues following patterns one way or another.
• How her family and friends react to her obsessive knitting.
• How complete strangers react to her obsessive knitting.
• Yarn snobbery, i.e. "pay for the GOOD yarn!"
• Socks. Dear lord, most knitters (i.e. everyone but me) are obsessed with the socks.
• Sweaters.
• Baby garments.
• How knitting doesn't get any respect from the general public.
• Things that go horribly wrong when knitting and make you crazy. Some of which are justified and some of which just are written to make the author look like she's mouth-foaming crazy, apparently. (I could have done with a little less of "Dear Designer" and the one where she harasses a yarn company for discontinuing a yarn. Hoo boy.)

In addition to those, there's a few fictional(?) (I think?) stories about people. I was amused at "Dear Nana," the story of a boy writing to say that he has "almost enough" sweaters, so could he get something else as a gift next time. There's also a story about a mom who had some traumatizing experiences in the snow as a child, ("A Knitter's Sense Of Snow") and as an adult, she tries to brave her way through riding a toboggan again. Doesn't end as you might think.

But what really stood out to me in this one was that at the start (and sometimes end) of every chapter, she writes a profile of a knitter. I really liked these, and a few of them stood out to me.

"Annabelle" is the story of a wild 4-year-old child who pretty much cannot be left alone for so long as a trip to go find Kleenex  Stephanie is babysitting this child in this essay because her oldest daughter was like this as a child--and was a perpetual stripper. "I once had three police cards show up because my novice babysitter had made the foolish mistake of going to the bathroom for a tissue. In the seventy-nine seconds it took her to blow her nose, my darling and intrepid three-year-old had dialed 911 and then hung up." In Annabelle's case, Stephanie is teaching her to knit. You'd think a small, super-active child wouldn't be into this activity, but somehow it works. Why does this work?

"It is my considered belief that the number one reason knitters knit is because they are so smart that they need knitting to make boring things interesting. Knitters are so compellingly clever that they simply can't tolerate boredom. It takes more to engage and entertain this kind of human, and they need an outlet or they get into trouble."

Words cannot express how much I totally agree with that one.

"Denny," well, I'll just quote again: "There's nothing remarkable about her--except, somehow, all of her. She was dressed as she almost always is, in an outfit that defies descripton." Stephanie met Denny in a spinning class and was weirded out by her-- "I didn't know what to do with her. She was much too much for me, and that's saying something, since I'm often accused of the same thing." Denny breaks rules right and left and does what she wants to and gets away with it, which made Stephanie resentful and uncomfortable. "I wanted to be like that, so firmly me that I didn't let anything stand in my way...."

I related. Denny sounds like fun.

"Ken" is the profile of a male knitter and how he constantly gets attention when he knits in public. Stephanie finds it rather insulting how he's treated like "a rare bird or a valuable racehorse" because he stepped out of gender roles. "They must think him as bright as bricks if they are so impressed that he's able to manage." This turns into a musing about how women have extremely low standards for men and don't even realize it. Hear, hear!

Rachel" is the story of a woman who appeared to have the perfect life, and she didn't. She became depressed, and eventually knitted her way out of that depression by making a giant damn afghan. "...I think she lost track of what it felt to move forward, to accomplish things, and to be competent, and I think that knitting two full and undeniable miles of garter stitch gave it right back to her." AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Very inspiring.

I'm going to give it three and a half stars. This is pretty much a niche book and most folks that aren't knitters wouldn't get the jokes...but if you're into it, this is a cut above her usual work. Even if I wish she'd lay off of the essays that make her sound kinda mouth-foaming crazy at times.

About A Boy

By Nick Hornby.

Wow, this is good. Go figure.

Will Freeman is a 36-year-old boy, essentially. He's never had to work due to living off of the royalties of his dad's one-hit-wonder song "Santa's Super Sleigh." He just...kinda putters and exists, more or less. Eventually we find out why this is--his dad was bitter over the whole song thing, his family split up, and eventually Will learned to not really give a shit about anything or anyone. It makes life more pleasant that way.

However, Will ends up dating a single mom and liking the experience, and after she breaks up with him, he wants to meet more single moms. So he joins a single parents' social group--abbreviated SPAT--and thus has to fake a son, 2-year-old Ned. While on a date with single mom Susie, he ends up meeting 12-year-old Marcus, who is brought along to the park without his mum.

Marcus is a weird yet pragmatic kid. His mom Fiona is a big ol' hippie sort who doesn't let him listen to the same tunes everyone else does or dress the way that everyone else does, and at his new school, he's getting bullied for being a weirdo. His dad's living with his new girlfriend and essentially, Marcus and his mom are on their own. Which is a massive problem when Fiona becomes depressed enough to want to kill herself while Marcus is on that park outing.

After that, Marcus decides that not having enough people in his life as backup is a Bad Thing, and he decides to deliberately grab on to Will--eh, he seems nice enough and he seems to have money, why not--as a lifeline. He tries to fix up Will with Fiona--which absolutely isn't going to happen on both sides of the equation--but after that doesn't take, Marcus just starts visiting Will after school and refusing to leave. Will is taken aback by this sort of thing, but eventually goes along with it and he starts to feel for Marcus a little, especially when he finds out how much Marcus is getting picked on. He even goes so far as to buy Marcus some less-nerdy sneakers (er, trainers--it's England) to make him blend in more.

But after the sneakers get stolen the next day, Fiona finds out about Marcus's forced adoption of Will and has some issues with that, as anyone would. Marcus is forced to use  the "nuclear option" of claiming he needs a father to keep Will around--something that works on Fiona as intended, even though Will can tell right off that's what Marcus was up to. Marcus is a semi-manipulative kid, but he's got his reasons and his needs. And Will figures out that Marcus isn't so much looking for another dad so much as he needs someone to tell him how to be a regular/normal/less nerdy boy. Will may not be much of an adult, but he is up for that--and finds out that he does care about somebody, surprisingly, after all.

Then they meet girls: Will meets another hot single mom, Rachel, and falls in love at first sight. He realizes that he's spent his whole life being boring and useless except for his relationship with Marcus, so what else does he have to impress a girl with? As for Marcus, he falls for 15-year-old school rebel and Nirvana fan Ellie, who starts to like and adopt him as a pal after he has the nerve to speak to her in school--even if he doesn't know who "Kirk O'Bane" is. I should point out that this book is set in 1993-1994, so what happens to Kurt Cobain has a lot of relevance to the end of the plot. It becomes an interesting musing on suicide, what with Marcus's mom having had the urge herself. It gives you a lot to think about (and kind of makes me want to read  A Long Way Down). The whole Nirvana thing is so well done that I'm rather sad it was left out of the movie. (The movie is very good and stays pretty true to the plot and tone of the original, except for leaving out Nirvana and replacing it with a musical plot.)

This book really is surprisingly well done--not that I expected it to be shit exactly, I did not, but I didn't expect as much subtle depth as it has. There's some great twists of phrase that come from Marcus or Will that really reveal their hidden depths and motivations and why they act as they do. And Fiona's issues aren't magically resolved one bit--she's probably still depressed enough to at least worry about by the end and nothing really is super Happily Ever After. I'd call it "Better For Now." At the very least, Marcus has more of "his people" around in the event of emergency, even if they themselves don't know how to deal with things perfectly either. And Will, much to his surprise, has people too. And is even getting a little better with time.

Four stars. I'm impressed.

A Tangled Web (Updated Review)

By Judith Michael.

Previous book here.

Once upon a time, I read this book without having read the first one. I reviewed it fairly well at the time, but upon finally reading the first book, it made me think that I needed to reread this book. And hoo boy, would I write this review differently had I done that. I usually don't say this, but since I seem to be in an experimental/long-winded phase of writing book reviews these days, what the hell. So I'm going to write this review a second time, from a different perspective.

First off...this second go at this review goes below the spoiler cut for spoiling the ending of book one! Man, I had no idea that I'd done that (though I guess reading the book's back cover would do that as well). I foolishly assumed that the big spoiler dropped early on was something that readers of the first book would have been aware of!

Deceptions

By Judith Michael.

Many years ago, I read the book that came after this one, A Tangled Web. I didn't know a first book existed at the time, and didn't stumble across the first book until oh, pretty recently. Upon reading Deceptions, damn, I think I need to rewrite that review over again. I definitely would have written it differently had I but known I was massively spoiling the ending of the last one! Ergo, I'm going to rewrite the original review in that light and then repost it.

Anyhoo: it's the 80's, and Sabrina and Stephanie are hot 32-year-old redheaded twins who grew up all over the world because their daddy was a diplomat. They went to school in Europe, are experts in antiques, furniture and home decor, and can hang around the international jet set with ease. Sabrina was always the "shinier" twin, which eventually irritated Stephanie enough to decide to go to college in America instead. In America, she married Garth and had two kids, Penny and Cliff. Garth is a diehard, dedicated professor and they live in Evanston, Illinois, where Garth is being recruited for the private sector. Stephanie had a business that failed, and she currently types for a living. She is bored to death, especially with her husband.

Sabrina is leading the jet-set life. She married a viscount and is now "Lady Sabrina Longworth," even after she eventually got divorced because her husband Denton was a cheater and generally not as shiny as he appeared. She started her own business in antiques, which she named Ambassadors. Sabrina is dating some foreign bigwig named Antonio, who is pushing her to marry him and give up her business. Sabrina has no intention of doing either, but...is kinda stalling on telling him so. She's bored of the jet set life by now. Oh yeah, and she's just a touch worried about finding out that one of the guys that sells to her is selling fakes. Ruh-roh.

The twins go on a trip to China, where they get the bright idea to switch places for a week, just for a change. Oh, don't worry about Antonio, you can push him off for a week. Oh, don't worry about Garth, we're kind of sick of each other and we hardly ever have sex any more. The ladies do almost entirely flawlessly at impersonating each other's lives, with people ignoring their flubs and the twins somehow channeling each other's...whatever's needed, as twins do. Stephanie has a pretty easy job of being an international star in the antiques business, especially since she does know that stuff. Sabrina, amazingly, manages to slip into dealing with a family without totally having a meltdown. Both of them...could get used to this.

And then Sabrina gets hit by a car and gets a concussion and breaks her arm, which forces the ruse to go six weeks longer than planned. As those weeks go on, Stephanie does a good job of problem solving Sabrina's life by such smooth moves as accidentally breaking a faked sculpture, and beautifully telling off a few folks who need it, and eventually having to turn down Antonio. Instead, she starts a flaming affair with Max Stuyvesant, a fellow Sabrina knew and wasn't impressed with back in the day when he was running a swingers' cruise.  Sabrina, on the other hand, starts falling in love with being a mom, tells off a teacher and some snobby women who totally deserve it*....and she finds herself falling in love with the decentness of Garth. She even gets interested in his life and career, which Stephanie has long since gotten bored with. Pretty soon, Garth actually wants to sleep with his wife, and....y'know, things happen. Except Stephanie's so hot for boinking Max that when the cast is off, she wants one more romantic cruise on Max's boat before going back. Sabrina's fine with that....

* I did really enjoy the various telling-off scenes.

You might have noticed that the authors (a husband and wife team) have really super written themselves into a corner with this one. What with the husband and children issue, there is just...no freaking way that this gets resolved in a good way, is there? Well, except....

And then....  Well, how the authors deal with it is going to go below the spoiler cut.  What I can say without spoiling is that the authors take...well, the one way they can think of to resolve the issue.

Overall, this is a fairly well done book. For parts 1 and 2, the authors do a good job of balancing the heroines' dilemma, switching back and forth between them. I give them credit for making Sabrina's new family issues as interesting as Stephanie finally living the life of the rich and snobby, even though eventually you realize that they've got a preference going on (see spoiler cut). You do get why Sabrina would fall for Garth overall, and how she gets into family life. I think it might come TOO easy for her to deal with two children and a husband after having dealt with no such thing ever, but overall it didn't flag me as being super fake, just a little too convenient.  Both women start coming into their own more, and they also have a good number of scenes with their respective women friends that I enjoyed. I'm not sure if any of them passed the Bechdel test, but you do feel the bonding between them, which transfers from twin to twin without people noticing. The kids are okay-- they mildly stood out to me, mostly in that they were relatively easy to deal with--but they're nice enough. Not brats, but not perfect ether. You do feel sorry for them, not having a clue as to what is really going on but feeling like something is weird in their world anyway.

As for Garth himself....well. On the one hand, he's all for hiring women at his college and encouraging such, and reporting a bigwig when he denies tenure to a female professor that Garth is (just) friends with. I totally loved him for that. And then a female student walks in and offers him sex for a better grade, and Garth just starts foaming at the mouth with rage and calling her a whore to her face. OH YEAH, THAT'S NOT GONNA CAUSE A PROBLEM FOR YOU LATER ON OR ANYTHING. A fair amount of the plot in the latter half of the book is Garth's university drama as he deal  with having to defend himself from charges. Again, Sabrina-phie comes through with flying colors as to how handle things, which I enjoyed. Overall, I think Garth is a good egg, but that "whore" moment was a really creepy moment that totally screwed with me. Not that I don't agree with Garth that it's irritating that a girl wants to sell herself for a grade when good female professors are just trying to get tenure and not have their entire lives seen through the prism of a vagina or whatever, but I wouldn't throw around words like "whore" and "cunt" to a student's face, even in the 80's. Never a good idea, Garth.

Overall, I'm going to give this four stars--it's a compelling read, what with the crazy problems two bored twins brought on themselves and all. But hoo boy, book two....

The Curse of Chalion

By Lois McMaster Bujold.

Here begins the "Finally, I Got Around To Reading Book One Long After I Already Reviewed Book Two" half-a week!

I have tried, off and on, to get into reading this book over the years. For whatever reason, I never quite got into it (it's a bit of a slow, formal start), and at any rate, I really just wanted to read Paladin of Souls even though I knew I should probably read the first book. So eventually I just read Paladin of Souls and loved it and there you go. But there was a cheap book deal for The Curse of Chalion on e-book recently, and I bought it, and...this time I really, really got into it. I think possibly knowing that it was likely to get good because I'd already fallen in love with book two.

I'm kind of doing this half-a-week of reviews because the other book I was reading the first of around the same time made me think that I REALLY needed to go back and re-read and re-review the book because it really put things in a different light for me. I thought about doing the same with this series, but I think in the end I'm okay with leaving my original review as it was.

Anyway, here's the story: Lupe (Lupe?! He's a guy, FYI) de Cazaril has a very, very rough bunch of years. He wasted years of his life defending a fortress that just got handed over to the enemy...and then it turned out he had his own enemy when he was "mistakenly" left off the ransom list. Taken as a prisoner of the Roknari, he was a slave who had to row ships, lost two fingers to it, and got whipped/nearly killed for defending  his15-year-old boy rowmate. Now that he's free, he's utterly a broke and broken shell of a dude. All he can think to do is to slowly travel to the old prvoincara of Baocia's home in Valenda, where he used to work as a page when he was younger, in hopes that they'll take him in in the scullery or something.

But Caz's luck starts improving. He gets accidentally thrown more money than the donator intended, and then he comes across the corpse of a guy who practiced some death magic and succeeded (if you kill someone via magic, you die as well--guess that murder better be worth it). Between the extra money and taking the guy's clothes and notebook in the pockets and having a wash, Caz looks a lot better. And yes, he is taken in by his old employer and offered a job...as secretary/tutor to the Royesse (princess) Iselle. Iselle, her little brother Teidez, and their dowager royina mother Ista are all living with grandmother, far from the royal court at Cardegosse. Older half-brother Orico is the current ruler of Chalion. Ista...does not appear to be doing well, I'll put it that way. People think she's kinda crazy and there's good reason to do so.

Iselle and her handmaiden Beatriz (who Caz is attracted to and vice versa--and I'll give the author credit for this not squicking me out despite being May-December) turn out to be good students, and they listen well when Caz points out how to observe people and what they are getting up to and how to check the facts. This turns out to be good training for when Orico summons his siblings to court--having given up on getting his wife pregnant, odds are that Teidez will be the next heir. Caz is very nervous about this development, as the family who made sure he got sold to the Roknari are high in the court these days. Ista and her mother are also very nervous about this and want Caz to keep an eye on the kids.

Caz finds that the royal court isn't doing so well, or at least Orico isn't. He's kind of ill and the only thing that seems to make him feel better is the royal menagerie of wild animals. Caz makes friends with the Roknari (and Quintarian convert) Umegat who's in charge of the menagerie...He's also a dedicant of the Bastard's order and a saint, i.e. he's made himself enough of a "I will do what you want" vessel to have been granted magical sight, among other things.

Things change for the worse when one of Caz's enemies, Dondo (who's already a known rapist--of the royina!), demands Iselle's hand in marriage. And Orico is way too weak-willed to turn down anyone of the dy Jironal family at this point, especially when Dondo's brother is his chancellor who pretty much runs the country. Iselle has no way to escape and no way out of this except for death or praying for divine intervention. And Caz takes it upon himself to do the death magic that will take out Dondo, at the cost of his own life, if it will save Iselle.

This does not go quite as he planned. Dondo dies, but Caz wakes up...with a magical tumor (it's explained) and the powers of a saint. This leads him to find out about the curse that affects the royal house of Chalion, and the foretelling by the Mother of Summer that a man would lay down his life three times for the people of the House....and how Ista tried and failed to fulfill that prophecy. Caz was sent by the gods and he came, but even he's not entirely sure how he'll manage to die THREE times, even if what with the magical tumor, he's on short-lived time as is.

I wish I'd finished writing this review right after I finished the book--haven't had the time--but I don't think I'm doing this review justice. It is a very well done book. Caz is a sympathetic, smart, scheming fellow (and dirty fighter!), Beatriz and Iselle are loyal and plucky and good at scheming for teenagers. I enjoyed the story a lot and how the curse is solved--and what Caz does to do it--is overall awesome.

Five stars.

The Ghost In Love

By Jonathan Carroll.

I am not a "literary" reader. Overall, I tend to like very few books that are dubbed "intellectual" or "profound" or anything that deep. Mostly I just find those sorts of books to be depressing, or frustrating, or incomprehensible. Which, y'know, made life fun as an Englisih major :P Mostly I read things that are genre because that's what entertains me, and most of the time, people actually use logic and figure things out and explain them and make their world building work. In this book?  WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT THE SMACK IS GOING ON HERE.

I am stumped as to how to write this review. I am stumped as to what the hell to rate this book, to the point where I am considering just calling it a "?" I can see why some folks, who are by far more intellectual than I, give it high ratings. However, I think most of the rest of us will mostly just be confused and lost. I am not a person who is prone to seasickness, but I'd imagine that reading this book gives you the mental equivalent of that feeling. Every few pages, SOMETHING MAJOR CHANGES. Out of the blue, frequently with no logical reason that you can figure out for doing so. The waves never stop tossing, the storm never lets up, and lightning strikes occur constantly.

I read some other folks's reviews online in hopes of figuring out what to do with mine. This one from BoingBoing was a glowing review, but this line in it stuck out to me:
 

"Carroll is the omnipotent god of his characters and situations, and he is totally in control of every variable, so that we trust him throughout, even though he never plays fair. "

This last bit is incredibly true. This book does not play fair. There is no way in hell that you can deduce on your own what the hell is going on without the author having to just eventually flat out tell you. Ass pulls are going on all over the place.

This review was more along the lines of how I felt about it:

"Personally, it has been several days since I finished it, and I still can't decide quite how I feel about it. There were times when I was listening when I was struck by the truth of a point that Jonathan Carroll was making, and the simplicity of the language and the elegance of the writing with which that point was made. Other times, though, I'd draw back from the story, particularly when another bizarre paranormal element was introduced in service of some Deep Truth about the Nature of the Self, and think to myself: "Really? I mean, really?"

So what is this book about? I'll attempt to explain:

A few folks on the planet were supposed to die, and then somehow survived their freak deaths. Ben Gould was supposed to have fallen and bashed his head in, but he survived it. Danielle Voyles survived a freak head injury. After that, both of them are developing weird magical powers out of the blue. Ben starts having psychic flashes of Danielle's life, but when he tries to talk to her, she literally can't see that he's there. Ben feels weirded out about this, which makes him frustratingly distant from his girlfriend, German (yes, that's her name, not her ethnicity/language). German has just moved out in frustration, but still sees Ben due to having custody of their mutual dog, Pilot.  They're still in love, but are totally baffled as to wtf is going on. Eventually Ben tells German what is going on and sends her to talk to Danielle, but that goes weirdly.

The title ghost, Ling, was supposed to haunt the world and take Ben's place trying to figure stuff out after he died. But since he didn't die, she's stuck. The Angel of Death, Stanley, tells her to just hang around and watch him and see what the hell is happening while they figure out what kind of glitch is keeping people from dying, or whatever it is. Ling technically falls in love with German while watching her with Ben, but this has little, if anything, to do with the story and who the hell cares.

Then some random homeless bum named Stewart Parrish kills the Angel of Death (or...something...), and starts running around space and time trying to kill Ben for some reason. Ling and the verzes--some kind of earless white guard dogs--protect Ben and run around with him in the past a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, trying to dodge this guy. Stewart Parrish goes back in time and grabs an object that's sacred to German and then by using the object and threats of killing her dog, tries to get her to help him find where Ben is hiding in the past. Stewart seems to be the representation of Making Things Go Back The Way That They Were, a la Jack on Tru Calling.

Honestly, it just gets fucking weirder and weirder and less related to any kind of anything at all. These people basically lose their resemblance to how any humans would act and suddenly everything is happening in this weird netherworld where Danielle starts interacting with all of her past selves and Ben is suddenly pulling powers out of his ass and sharing them with German and Pilot and he doesn't know why he suddenly knows what he's doing and Ling starts becoming human for no good reason and suddenly everyone in Danielle's apartment building starts reliving the one best moment of their lives and....At this point, I give up on trying to explain what is going on, and I'll resort to quoting the book blurb:

"The Ghost in Love is about what happens to us when we discover that we have become the masters of our own fate. No excuses, no outside forces or gods to blame—the responsibility is all our own. It’s also about love, ghosts that happen to be gourmet cooks, talking dogs, and picnicking in the rain with yourself at twenty different ages."

Well, yes. Technically that happens.

Now, don't get me wrong: that plot idea of becoming master of your own fate after you haven't totally died is good. That's interesting. The author does take some fascinating mental side trips along the way that are incredibly cool. I'll list the memorable stuff:

• German's lost thing, which was a rock that a cute boy gave her and made her feel like she was valuable and loved. I really liked this description, and we all have our "lost things" that we feel something about and it pangs us to lose them. If I suddenly got my lost thing back, I'd be thrilled--even though the circumstances that German gets hers in are kinda bad.
• Danielle figuring out that even though she started shoplifting at age 12, it was her 6-year-old self that led her to start the shoplifting. This leads her to realize that we're all influenced by our past selves, which have different feelings on things than the current one does, and we have to figure out how to cope with all of our selves somehow.
• Danielle has a "picnic" with all of her past selves, most of which are asking her how things are going to come out. She has an interesting time trying to figure out what, exactly, to tell them. And if you think about that, that would be a dilemma, wouldn't it? She is also prompted to start asking her past selves about their memories, which are clearer to them then they are to her now, which leads her to... well, that I'll discuss below the spoiler cut.*
• Pilot is a fully realized participating, talking character in this one, who does take action and has thoughts and does the best he can in an ever-shifting landscape. I don't know why he's suddenly the reincarnation of Ben's dead girlfriend, or what that has to do with anything, or who the hell cares (not Pilot, he's horrified and easily blackmailed into doing something at the threat of being told that in the next life they'd somehow make him become human again)., but his reaction to such is kind of amusing.
• On the human side, German is the most well done character, cheerfully sketched out and realized. Though unfortunately, she seems to lose that as the book gets weirder and starts to focus on the weird shit that Ben and Danielle are doing. By the end she feels like another ghost self, or something.
• It's a good thing the book is relatively short (just over 300 pages) and a quick read. I don't know why I stuck with it, other than I read it on a random Sunday when I had a few hours to kill and was trying to figure out a weird knitting problem, but had it been longer I probably would have keeled over instead of "oh hell, I'm just going to plow through this sucker and finish it."

But on the other hand:

• There's no way to figure out what the hell is going on. Every few pages, there's yet another dramatic ass pull sea change going on.
• The characters kind of lose their humanity, or to some degree just kind of lose their ties to reality, or what a normal person would be like...Who the hell is Ben, by the end of this book? I don't know. There's too many of him (literally) and I don't know what I am supposed to make of what has happened to him. Uh...okay...I...guess?
• People rapidly lose their ability to have logic. Things just happen, out of the blue, and suddenly at least one character (probably Ben) Knows how to deal with it, and poof, there it is! Are these people even on Earth any more? Who knows? ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! AND DOES! TOTALLY AT RANDOM! Do these people even go to work and have jobs any more?
• Is this a happy ending? I...guess...? Does it work? Fuck if I know.

Overall, the philosophy of this book definitely gives you something to THINK about. I cannot deny that. But would I recommend that folks read this? I think the answer is "probably not." It is not precisely bad, per se. There are some nuggets of goodness in here. But will you understand what's going on? PROBABLY NOT. And that's why it's getting a two and a half star rating. If you are super intellectual and snobby (in which case, you probably don't usually read my book reviews because I don't read your sort of thing), you'll probably get this book and understand it and love it, and good for you! For you, it will probably be five stars! But the rest of us? Yeah, I have no idea how one finds their way around this author's works. "Lost" doesn't even begin to describe.

Heaven, I Mean Circle K

By Elsa Panizzon.

Today I will be reviewing a book that few people have heard of, or ever will hear of. Which I kinda think is a real shame, because this is a memoir that pretty much blew me away. While yeah, a lot of self-published stuff can be iffy, this one's a keeper. It wouldn't fit into traditional publishing--both for length as well as subject matter/the author not already being super famous-- but I'm glad she finally got the story out anyway.

Elsa had a drastically different upbringing compared to most folks. She grew up in the middle of nowhere in the desert, and it sounds like she was pretty much marooned out there with nobody but her family except for trips into town. The closest anything to her was the Circle K, which was as close to heaven as a young Elsa knew of. She had to grow up VERY quickly, and by 15 was passing as over 21 in order to work in bars.

If anything isn't a shining gem in this, it's that Elsa tends to...hedge? Leave out a few details here and there? I'm not sure how to phrase it...I guess I'd say that she mentions things off-the-cuff and quickly like it's a fait accompli that you should know about this already/possibly not be concerned about it. Like saying that she was a 15-year-old bartender--she mentions briefly being homeless, and that at one point she's financially responsible for taking care of her mother (that one's never explained). You're like, what happened between story #1 and story #2?!?( Eventually she does explain more of this in Act III. Acts I and II are relatively lighthearted compared to that section. I normally am a fan of telling stuff in chronological order, but I think in this case, it was a good idea to break people in gently before going back in time and telling Act III.) But...sometimes the "skipping the details" did drive me nuts. Especially since this girl can usually give a lot of details and recap conversations when she wants to!

Here's the story rundowns:

Act 1:

• Heaven, I Mean Circle K: 10-year-old Elsa is determined to go to the Circle K, 3.3 miles away. At first her plan is to hop on a pogo stick all the way there, but when that gets nixed by her mother, she decides to borrow her grandfather's truck and teach herself how to drive just by watching and, y'know, figuring it out on the way... As someone who took an extraordinarily long time to learn how to drive, you can bet I sat up and paid attention to how THAT went. And it goes well....at first... but then she runs into trouble buying the gas (oh, so been there), starting what appears to be a long history of running into friendly men when she's having truck trouble.
• Sexy Gal: 15-year-old Elsa works in a bar, where nobody knows her age. She becomes a big hit with the local barflies, which annoys the bar owner across the street. Elsa dubs the other bar owner "SexyGal." SexyGal becomes veeeery interested in Elsa, which terrifies Elsa because she figures that SexyGal will figure out her secret. Instead, they hit it off in a fun and sweet way.
• Obi Wan Kenobi PhD: At age 17, Elsa's alcoholic boyfriend hits someone while driving and puts her into a coma. He starts drinking himself to death, and the guy's shrink (the title character) tells Elsa to run for it. So she does, finding a new apartment and roommate.  But as for the boyfriend...well, Elsa refers to him as Darth Vader for a reason. This is the story of how she got out of that!
• Teenager: Elsa's got a new apartment, she's got furniture, and she's got a new roommate/coworker that she admires. She also has an honest waitressing job rather than illegal bartending. However, she and the other waitresses are being very skankily sexually harassed by a manager. Elsa rounds up a lawyer and other victims of the guy (including her roommate) to file a lawsuit. It's a triumph at first, but then life moves on and things start to fizzle, and Elsa's "pure" church-y roommate turns out to not be as pure as Elsa assumed. But when everyone finally meets with the lawyers, Elsa figures out what's going on and is determined to make things go differently.... You go, girl!

Act II:

• Cranes! An Employment Interlude: At age 23, Elsa gets a job she has no qualifications or credentials for: secretarial work for a guy who runs a crane operating business. He's an asshole who admits to being an asshole. While everyone else she works with is friendly, Elsa freely admits that she has no clue as to how to run this type of business--or even how to operate the radio that she's (unbeknownst to her) supposed to be operating. Doesn't sound like she got trained either--but then again, the #1 credential for this job is being able to put up with a screaming boss and to keep his two best clients happy. One of them, who Elsa dubs "Aquarian," gets a crush on her. They go out, but find out they're romantically incompatible, as Elsa likes to actually have sex and Aquarian just wants to think about it. But they happily date friend-style anyway....despite having some awkward moments between them and the other best client. It's a sweet story with some scary moments.
• Trucks!: Elsa gets another job driving trucks for Frito-Lay. Her driving....well, I don't know if it's improved since she was ten, as she tends to damage trucks a lot. That girl must have a LOT of cute and charm going on to still have that job, I have to say. (I'm thinking of how the bus drivers here get fired if they just scratch a bus....) Damn, girl!
• Bonus Time: Elsa meets "Balloon Guy," who she hits it off with...but he's only in town for a night and wants to go out. Elsa doesn't want to be One Night Stand Girl, which she assumes he's going for. She turns down his offer, multiple times. But after a miraculous event of snow in the desert, Elsa takes the hint from the universe and goes to meet him. The fellow isn't nearly what she thought--he's got quite the life story of his own (think Richard in Texas from Eat Pray Love--I think those two would relate). Wowza. This section also has my favorite quote: "And it's because of things like this, I've learned to trust the universe. I'm pretty sure you'll never miss a bus you're supposed to be on."

Act III:
After the flirting and fun of the first two sections, Act III is heavy stuff.  We find out that Elsa's dad (who she calls W) was a psychotic abusive fuckwad, which suddenly explains a lot of things.

• For The Love Of Ketchup: at age 6, Elsa puts ketchup on her potatoes, which irritates her father so much that he literally breaks her wrist right there at the table...leaving her and her female relatives in the position of, how do we take her to the hospital when he says he'll kill all of us of Elsa goes? Dear GOD.
• The Day I Decided What I Decided: at age 8, Elsa's dad is beating her about five times a week. At one point she decides she wants to die...and then has the psychic intuition that she's going to live through this. Or hast to,anyway.
• Beating W: At age 10, Elsa's dad teaches her how to play cards, which she becomes very good at. She also starts figuring out how she's going to get free of her father someday once she can outplay him.
• The Juvie Guy: At age 13, W decides to haul Elsa to juvenile hall on a regular basis and beg/harass/flirt with everyone there hoping they'll take her away from him forever and ever. He knows his legal rights, he knows exactly that they can't turn him away. On the other hand, Elsa's a well-behaved straight A student that everyone outside of her house loves, so juvie isn't going to take her. The Juvie Guy of the title wishes he could help Elsa....but they're both utterly stuck legally for five more years. This will just infuriate you. Okay, all of act 3 does that, but...GODDAMMIT JUVENILE SYSTEM!!!!! Even when people want to help, they're not allowed!!! Reminded me of this Dear Sugar column.
• The Day I Left Home: At age 15, Elsa literally just walks out of there with nothing before she gets killed.
• The Last Time That W Hit Me: A few months after leaving home, Elsa's dad spots her at the Circle K and beats her badly--but this time in front of a bunch of witnesses.

DAMN, GIRL.

Elsa is quite the storyteller--whether or not it's a happy fun story or a horrifying one. You admire the hell out of her pluck and gumption and survival instincts, given what she grew up having to deal with. I had the impression of her right off that she was always brave and kickass, but this story shows how she eventually developed into the person that she needed to be in order to escape and survive and eventually even thrive. If you've been in the shit--or never been in the shit--you see how she got out and that you might too. She's been through hell and come out the other side, and you are so glad.

I wish she'd write more stories from her life like this. From what I've heard this sounds like highly unlikely at best and more like never going to happen, but I wish she would. She puts many other memoirists to shame. This is mindblowing.

Five stars.

Ever After

By Kim Harrison.

Previous book here.

I don't know how I feel about this series any more. I have been up and down and all over the place with it. I've been fairly well fed up reading some books, I've come out really enjoying some. This book just made me feel TIRED with whatall is going on in it.  It is well done, mind you, I just felt overloaded.

As you probably guessed from the title, this one deals with Rachel's attempts to fix the ever-after, which she damaged in an earlier book. She's been slowly working on it(?) for a few books now, but things become urgent once Ku'Sox the cray lab-made demon starts his new scheme. Using Rachel's crap-for-brains* ex Nick as his familiar, Ku'Sox's plan is to (a) kidnap a bunch of babies treated for Rosewood syndrome (i.e. baby demons), (b) kidnap Trent's baby Lucy and adoptive baby-mama Ceri to force Trent to do his bidding, (c) destroy the ever-after entirely by dumping all of the bad shit into Rachel's ley line and blaming it on her, and (d) take advantage of demonkinds' total fear of him/need of new demons to let him get away with whatever he wants. Which is to say that even though demonkind is likely to become homeless because the ever-after is disappearing, in general they are all on Ku'Sox's side rather than Rachel's. Rachel is determined to save the demons anyway, but after Al is severely weakened in the attempt, it's down to her and her friends on the side of reality to figure out how to fix the line, prove who did it, and get Ceri, Lucy, and the Rosewood demon babies back.

Al introduces Rachel to the concept of linked wedding rings (or chastity rings, or slaver rings) as a way to combine power, use telepathy, and give the ability to yank one person out of the ever-after if necessary. She ends up scrambling for various rings during the book, and the rings get creepier and creepier as time goes on. Plus you'd better REALLY REALLY TRUST whoever you give the other ring to... This is a big part of the book. Does Rachel trust her elf friends (especially Trent) enough to link to them? Will they take that link off if she wants them to? It's an interesting mental debate on this one and kind of goes all over the map. It also ties in to the giant war between the elves and demons in good ways, and I liked how that was handled.

For those of you who ship Rachel and Trent--a ship I definitely find to be problematic plotrwise and I'd be fine with things staying as they are--this book is fairly ship-hinty. Since Rachel's romances end in disaster or death, she really, really wants to keep her hands off Trent in that way so he'll stay alive. Quen wants Rachel to be Trent's bodyguard, which she wants to duck so things don't go that way.

Unfortunately, Trent's babymomma Ellasbeth comes back in, asserting her parental rights AND apparently getting re-engaged to Trent. She's 95% pain in the ass in this one, alas, so it's irritating that she's back in our world again. I really enjoyed the end (which I will be discussing below the spoiler cut**), but as for Rachel and Trent....I'd say it's sweet yet ambiguous.

As for our other characters, points go to little Bis the gargoyle. He may be young, he may be immature, he may enjoy spitting on pigeons in his spare time...but the kid does a GREAT job in this book figuring out how to fix the lines and learning from the other gargoyles as quickly as he can. You go, kid! I also enjoyed meeting the other gargoyles in this one. And I continue to be amazed that I actually like Al--for a demon who likes to be an asshole, I really enjoy his non-asshole moments and seeing his hidden depths. It's very sweet. Ivy doesn't get a lot of focus on this one since she spends half the book out of town, but she finds a new relationship to work at, and good luck to her there.

On the other hand...I definitely started to feel freaking exhausted around... maybe 3/5 of the way through the book, when Rachel was suddenly having to pull off a stolen ring heist and the Felix/Nina situation (Nina being a living vampire who is being possessed way too frequently by the dead Felix in the last few books) came to a head. I was thinking, "Man, this is too much. I feel overloaded on plots right now." Especially throwing in some vampire drama--this isn't a vampire drama-themed book this go-round, and it felt like the vamps were being thrown in as foreshadowing/just to make sure that we know they haven't gone away, or something. I find it interesting that Rynn Cormel thinks that Rachel somehow has the potential to get vampire souls back, and that's great if she can, and if the plot ever goes there...but this is not the book to bring that up in. The girl's BUSY right now, mmkay?!

And.... well, this one sees some major deaths in it. Some you probably won't give a shit about/will be thinking "Good riddance!" about, but another is wrenching. *** I'm just gonna warn you, we haven't seen the likes of this for several books now. I was greatly bothered by this, especially since said deaths happen offscreen and I kept wanting to believe for the rest of the book that since Rachel hadn't seen the bodies, they might not have happened.

Overall, I'm going to give it four stars. It's a good book. I don't know how much enthusiasm I have for the series these days which is why it's taking me awhile to actually read the books, but overall it's well written, Rachel  isn't making totally stupid decisions all the time even though she still has moments, and her friends come through in the clutch. I think the overall ever-after plot was done well, even if I'm not too thrilled over who lives over who dies and how the deaths were handled. But I'd rather the author not throw in side plots that there isn't time to deal with when the timeline is so urgent. Maybe later, okay?

And just for fun, I would like to link to this and dear lord, it's sooooo true.

* You know, I totally agree with you guys that he has crap for brains, but y'all really need to VARY YOUR INSULTS for this dude. That one has become very, very old.