Speed-Reading Book Nerd Reviews

Blood Groove

By Alex Bledsoe.

Awhile back, a friend of mine (who has apparently read most of the same vampire books as me) said that she preferred the stories with the "romantic" vampires, as opposed to "vampires are evil and I'm the one slaying them" sorts of stories. It hadn't occurred to me to have a preference either way, but perhaps after reading this one I get it a bit.

The plot: in 1915 Baron Rudulfo Zginski is living in a small town in Wales and snacking on the population discreetly when he gets suspected as a vampire. Z (I'm just gonna abbreviate that) agrees to a vampire trial, using the usual methods of vampire testing, and all goes well...until the prosecution notes he isn't breathing, and soon that leads to impaling. Sixty years later (1975), a researcher gets ahold of the body, pulls out the knife, and...uh-oh. Z realizes that he needs to get up on how life has been going lately, and tracks down the lameass local vampire pack to ask them what's up. However, he knows far more about vampirism than they do because they learned it out of movies (Z walks around in daylight just fine, thanks), and has the mental powers to control anyone he wants to, including the vampire pack when he wants. However, a member of the pack recently died in a suspicious manner (his corpse didn't age the 10 years that he spent as a vampire, leaving a 17-year-old corpse that looked just how he had ten years ago, minus the blood), which gets the local hotshot coroner's attention. She decides to track down whatever killed the kid like that... and things go extremely goddamned badly for her. And then they figure out that the drug the kid took makes a vampire extremely depressed and uninterested in feeding, so Z is on the hunt for whoever makes it.

I don't know what to make of this book. There really aren't any heroes in it or anyone to root for. There's not too many humans in the book, and it really doesn't go well for anyone other than the guy who staked Z in the first place. The vampires are unadulterated evil in this one--screw the "vegetarian vampire" nonsense. When Z decides to be kindly and not immediately drain someone, he makes her his slave. (Heck, he does this to everyone in one way or another.) Even Mark, who seems to be the den father/voice of reason to the vampire pack before Z comes along, turns out to be bad. Adding to the fun, vampirism gets contracted if one drinks from you and kills you and then doesn't take the proper precautions to prevent it, and it can pass on somewhat even if you weren't killed...which gets ugly. 

So, who do you root for in this story? Do you root for the vampires to continue on, slaughtering people when they don't have to and mind-raping everyone? Do you root for the poor humans who try to put up a fight and just can't even do it before the vampires win? Do you CARE if Z and co. find out who's manufacturing the vampire drug, because you kinda want them taken out? Who the hell is the hero? Do we even have one?

This is a well-written story, but I can't say I got any pleasure out of reading it. I don't think it's a bad idea to write about vampires being bad, but I just don't know what to make of it, and felt depressed after finishing it. (The last page, OH GOD.)

Two and a half stars.

The Orpheus Obsession

By Dakota Lane.

I could never get into the Weetzie Bat books (the cutesiness, the names, the oh-so-fabulousness thing), but as far as I can tell, I suspect this book is trying to be another Weetzie Bat. The characters have names like Anooshka Stargirl (our teenage narrator) and Zoetrope Zallulah Moon (her older sister), and they tool around the city having the fabulous life and get into clubs while not being legal and oh, isn't it fabulous? Which at the same time is contrasted with Anooshka's crap home life with her batshit crazy/kind of abusive mother.

Anyway, the sisters meet Orpheus, a famous musician that Moon has a crush on, and after going home and reading his blog, Anooshka gets one too, thinks they have a psychic connection, and goes off with Moon to Orpheus's nightclub, where she meets him a few times, wooing and soulmatey-ness ensues. Then reality ensues. Sigh.

It's a very quick read, which is probably good. I don't know what to make of it--in some ways it feels like reading Something Like Fate, except with uberfabulousness thrown in, followed by reality. I think it just doesn't work because (a) we start out in this really unreal world Anooshka seems to live in, and then (b) suddenly reality kicks in. The two tones don't match at all, and I just don't know how seriously I should be taking this world. If you're gonna go with the fantasy, go with the fantasy. If you're gonna go with "I'll Never Stop Loving You, Tommy Toledo," then make it less fantasy from the start. The whole thing just felt off to me.

Two stars.

Fatal Distraction: Or How I Conquered My Addiction to Celebrities And Got A Life

By Emmi Fredericks.

This is another book that I pretty much dragged my way through.

Our heroine, the barely-named Eliza (you'll forget her name since she only refers to it as being named after My Fair Lady, and it's on the book jacket), has wanted to be famous all her life so she can avoid the shittiness of reality and have excitement. Too bad she has zero talent whatsoever. She has two friends, the hideous Dinah whose route to fame seems to be by being deliberately hideous, and Danny, a gorgeous guy but bad actor who refuses to do anything remotely reasonable to try to start his career. (For example, massive amounts of pouting when they'd rather cast him as Christian than Cyrano.) The most famous person she knows is her neighbor's dog. She also dates other losers, and when one of them dumps her for her celebrity obsession, she decides she needs to go cold turkey.

This lasts a couple of days, after which she decides that if she can't be famous, she'll be a Great Bit Player! (And I was all, "great, finally she gets a goal!") So she then decides to (a) get Dinah cleared of a possible hit-and-run that either Dinah or her famous jerk boyfriend did, and (b) get an incredibly reluctant Danny onto Oprah the Florinda! show. 

Everyone is generally pretty flat and unpleasant (Danny isn't quite as obnoxious as Dinah, but his sheer blockheadedness will make you want to smack him) and a loser. I guess that's the point of this book, but it doesn't make it too enjoyable. I found myself missing the fun theater people of Attack Of The Theater People, who may or may not make it someday, but you actually enjoyed reading about them.

The ending actually works (more or less) for the story, so that was good, but for a short-ish book it's kind of a slog to keep reading about a bunch of people I couldn't like overmuch.

Two stars.

A Match Made In High School

By Kristin Walker.

This is a book that I picked up about  five seconds before checking out, with very little flipping through it beforehand (usually I do a lot of that, like for an hour per book shopping trip). Why? Because the premise--in order to graduate, seniors now have to do a yearlong marriage course in which they are "married" to another random student for the year--is so mind-blowing. Oh, the potential! On one hand, you think, "Hey, that's an interesting idea, kinda cool to try out." Then you think, "No way would any school let you do this, though." Then you grow a third hand, and in my case think back to taking Family Living in high school, and imagine myself "married" for a year to the redneck guy who kept bugging me in class (I'm picking on him because my mom keeps mentioning his marital exploits to me, joy) and think, "OMG HORROR!"

So yeah, I got it! And it's good. Definitely unexpected in places. Kinda like Wild Ride, this book doesn't go to the expected romantic places. And I found that refreshing. 

So: the principal got dumped over the summer by her husband, and the guidance counselor at school also seems to be having romantic issues...and they've decided to force the seniors into yearlong "marriages" where the students must (a) submit budgets, (b) work at the same job together for a yearlong cash competition, and (c) do one activity together per week. It seems that the principal crying in front of the school board or something must have gotten that approved, but parents are in an uproar and start campaigning against the idea. (I love how one mom says, "But what about the gay kids?" Good point.)

Our narrator, Fiona, is decidedly unthrilled to be married to Todd Harding, egotistic jock extraordinare and boyfriend of her nemesis Amanda. Amanda, of course, is married off to Fiona's crush Gabe. Fiona's best friend Marcie seems to do best, being married off to the school's gentle giant guy, Johnny. (Who, btw, is utterly adorable. Love him.) Fiona's kind of a difficult character--kind of egocentric and oblivious, and all about revenge. I actually enjoyed that last trait of hers. Because after Todd well, REALLY does something truly awful to her, she gets him back but good. So satisfying.

I will admit to being both (a) aghast at how the school was run, and yet (b) I couldn't help but think at times, "Yeah, high school's that fucked up, it could happen." Todd is a total Karma Houdini and gets away with EVERYTHING he ever pulls, and the lone other character who gets punished by the school gets a very harsh sentence. It's breathtakingly shocking. 

You may think you know how this plot is going to pay off, but not so much. Fiona and Todd are kind of a non-romantic version of every likes-to-fight couple you've ever seen, but they find themselves relishing the pranks and abuse they heap on each other. It's a sick relationship and I enjoyed it so after awhile. Fiona definitely has her blind spots (so much!), but learns to get over her crap, which is good.

Four stars. Good fun.

Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels

By Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan.

Finally, I found this book in an indie store. FINALLY. Huzzah!

This is an awesome overall analysis--both snark-filled and serious at times, not to mention the games-- of the various romance novel genres. Features include:

• History of the modern romance novel.
• Analysis of heroes and heroines.
• Bad plot devices.
• Defending the genre.
• Rape in romance (not defending it)
• Bad covers (You know what's weird about this? They have a normal photo of a cover model in a suit looking like a normal dude, albeit with a lot of cheekbones. Then you see the cover done of him and you barely recognize the dude. DANG. Pages 180 and 182.)
• The Cassie Edwards plagiarism scandal.
• The future of the genre.
• Priceless illustrations, such as the evolution of the romance hero

And games such as:

• Big Misunderstanding Land
• Choose Your own Adventure (priceless, hysterical laughter ensues reading this, particularly the paranormal one)
• Mad Libs, mazes, and coloring book page.

Also, tons of amusing swearing and made-up swear words for boinking. If you are prim and proper, this isn't for you, but even non-romance readers will laugh their heads off. Great fun and balance of tone.

Five stars.

Kaleidoscope

By Dorothy Gilman.

I love The Clairvoyant Countess, the previous book before this one, and was happy to find out that there is a sequel...written 25 years or so after the last one. This is published in 2002, the last one was published (and takes place in) the seventies.

As you can imagine, there is a dilemma for this author, should she choose to resurrect Madame Karitska's world. Do you:

1. continue writing the plot where it left off in the 1970's
2. write Madame Karitska 25 years older, though she might be very old/possibly dead, or at least be performing Miss Marple-esque feats despite advanced age.

Were I Dorothy Gilman, I would have chosen the first option, but instead, the author has taken a third option, one I haven't seen done much other than in Long May She Reign: magically skip ahead and pretend the series always took place in the 2000's. There is a specific plotline focusing on Y2K-esque fears of technology being taken out--which really doesn't fit with the rest of Madame's world, which still seems firmly rooted in the seventies. People still make comments about people with long hair, money has no inflation, and Madame places an ad in the newspaper personals and sends off a check to do so. It's all so...well, fine in the seventies, but doesn't match at all in the 2000's for Madame to live as she does. And the tech plot stands out SO MUCH from the other plots (a recurring homeless shelter, a cult, a bank robbery, a murder where forensics could have easily cleared the young deaf-mute girl framed badly for it, etc.) that it emphasizes the time problem more. I also couldn't help but wonder at the case involving an actress--a young girl (implied to be in her 20's) investigating the life of an actress friend of her mom's. Both were born in 1921, making Kate ah... born to a mother who was at least fifty.

Argh. I really get the feeling that the author wanted to keep the series in its original time, submitted the book as such, and then the publisher forced her to update it with a tech plot at the last minute. It doesn't work, and I wish the story had stayed in its entire place.

So, how was the rest of the book? Still pretty good, if you can ignore the time problems I mentioned. It's nice to see old characters return, and I still enjoy Madame's psychometry as a way of solving problems and finding out information. In some cases this works brilliantly, such as the actress's case. In the case of the murder, however, it just seems quaint to solve a case like that when modern science would have done it. And towards the end, Madame has to use her powers differently/not at all when she's tapped in to work at a carnival and can't do psychometry at it.

I don't know...I enjoy Madame's world, but clearly I wish it hadn't been monkeyed with.

Three stars.

Naamah's Kiss

By Jacqueline Carey.

I was reluctant to start the new series taking place in Terre d'Ange (and other countries) a few generations after the awesomeness of the Kushiel series (previous book here). I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back without Phedre, Imriel, etc. And on some level, I first found returning there four generations later or so to be strange. Plus I kept thinking, geez, why does everyone always rehash the old stories like 100 years later? Okay, so the stories are cool...

Our new heroine, Moirin mac Fainche, is:

• The great-great granddaughter of Alais (and Amarante).
• Born into the Maghuin Dhonn/Brown Bear clan, infamously featured in Kushiel's Justice.
• Half D'Angeline, the product of a goddess-approved liason between her mother and a priest of Naamah (the goddess of desire).

The Maghuin Dhonn expected something big from Moirin given her heritage, but she starts out slow (as does the book a bit). After her first relationship ends, she undergoes a ritual to see if the Brown Bear goddess accepts her as one of her own, but Moirin has a destiny that involves her going across the sea. Not knowing what else to do, Moirin goes to Terre d'Ange in search of her dad (who is sweet and adorable, but doesn't know either!). She meets her royal relatives (and boinks most of them!), and gets involved in a love quadrangle between the King, Queen Jehanne, and the Queen's courtier/boyfriend, a physician named Raphael. Moirin shacks up with Raphael and also gets it on with Jehanne, which is interesting given that they are an off-again-on-again spatting couple. (King Daniel is a very tolerant guy.)  I have to say that Jehanne does have the worst "love as thou wilt" dilemma to come up since Imriel and Sidonie, though of a less bad and different nature.

Moirin feels drawn to Raphael via her diadh-anam (divine spirit of the bear inside her) and becomes his partner in curing people with what life magics she has at her command--though at great cost to herself. She also figures out how to use her abilities to journey halfway into the spirit wold to talk with spirits... which teaches her a lot, but also leads to tragedy.

However, what she learns in Terre d'Ange pays off when she's called to Ch'in to help a royal princess who's been possessed...and Moirin needs all of her new skills to save a worthy future ruler and her country.

This story is very powerful. It became gripping to me in Terre d'Ange and downright fascinating in Ch'in. I loved (most of) Moirin's various people that she fell in love with, particularly the royal ladies. Jehanne starts out looking like a troublesome brat, but reveals her kind center within. Snow Tiger is a noble, brave chick who bears up and does what she has to. Bao is a very spunky, snarky, entertaining fellow. And Moirin...well, she's different (and yet somewhat similar) to Phedre, but works in her own way to save people. And it's awesome.

Five stars.

Blood Dreams

By Kay Hooper.

What's the worst thing a bunch of psychic investigators fear the most?

A psychic serial killer. A very gifted one.

This novel kicks off what promises to be a terrifying series of books. The Special Crimes Unit of the FBI has a new director that's causing trouble and forcing the feds to keep a low profile. And the members of Haven, a private civilian operation doing the same sort of work, get enlisted to help track down this guy. One of the killer's victims was a senator's daughter, and Noah Bishop (who runs the SCU) would like to see the guy caught before the senator takes things into his own hands.

Dani and her twin Paris are Haven employees whose talents tie together some. The serial killer has moved to their hometown, and Dani, whose primary ability is psychic dreams, keeps having the same awful recurring dream where she and SCU folks--and who is in the dream varies--go into a trap. Her dreams promise to put her comrades in danger--and why isn't her sister in the dream?

This is an ominous book and ends on kind of a (frustrating, but it is a trilogy) cliffhanger. Very chilling. I do have one pretty major/strange problem about the end, which goes below the cut. Otherwise, it has good character use and development here. 3 and 3/4 stars.

Hunting Fear

By Kay Hooper.

A serial killer is kidnapping people and killing them after he gets the money. And they die in fear because the guy likes anticipatory deaths--buried alive, programmed guillotine, fun things like that. Milking the fear for all it's worth. And he's doing it to target Lucas Jordan, a Special Crimes unit member who looks for missing people by picking up on how afraid they are.

Samantha Burke, an ex of Lucas's, works as a carnival psychic and has picked up information on the killings. The local sheriff isn't too thrilled and suspects her, even though it's pretty clear that she didn't do it. Sam, Lucas, his partner, and the police force have to come together when one of their own is taken, and the latest victim's sister is drawn into the case. The killer is far ahead of everyone else's thinking, and there's machinations going on both sides.

This is a gripping mystery. My only quibble is that the hero is so emotionally shut down (though that's the point of his character) that it's hard to care about him. He has about three character traits--being psychic, shut down, and determined to find missing people. Everyone else is so well drawn and distinct that it stood out to me that Lucas didn't come out as well.

But, otherwise good. Three and 3/4 stars.

Dragon Haven

By Robin Hobb.

I had issues with Dragon Keeper, the first part of what is really one giant story. I assumed I'd probably prefer this book more because it has to get to the point instead of doing a long setup, and it does. However, this book still doesn't have terribly grandiose plot developments. As Kevin Smith said about LOTR, it's a book about walking. (Or flying or boating or getting washed along by the river from hell.)

However, the thing that made this book are the personal developments the characters made. Those who were getting into bad dealings get out of it, realize their mistakes, and get over it. The bad guys get, well, what they deserve. Characters grow up in one way or another. I was particularly pleased with Sedric's developments. Alise's aren't too shabby either. I really enjoyed their storylines. The dragons are handled in interesting ways. Sintara doesn't really soften as a character, but she has her moments. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think of the epistolary plot between the birdkeepers (eventually they get one), but it's all right.

Thymara, on the other hand, kind of continues to be blockheaded somewhat past the point of the clue bat. When someone pulls you aside and says (paraphrased, obviously), "Look, now that we're here we can all get laid, and there's a shortage of girls. Either you pick a guy to have sex with OR ONE WILL BE CHOSEN FOR YOU, DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY THAT?", and Thymara CONTINUES to be all, "I will not choose! I am free to stay single! We're all supposed to not have sex anyway!" and miss the point of the warning... well, I kind of wanted to throw in some more clue bat hits for her. Not that I'm saying that she should have sex--this book makes it very clear that the girls shouldn't under the circumstances they are living in anyway, and that's not wrong--but she stretches her denial of everyone else around her exploring sexuality for a pretty long time. She eventually kind of softens towards her stance on this, but her determined ignorance struck me as being a pretty bad idea, and it was irritating.

I did ah...predict the surprise at the end of the book, but anyone who knows anything about tropes probably did too. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it, though, so whatever. 

I'll give it three and a half stars. A more enjoyable book, indeed.