Speed-Reading Book Nerd Reviews

Private Scandals

By Nora Roberts.

There haven't been very many reviews up lately because I am trying to plow through the pile of cheap/free books that I have around the house that I don't have massive amounts of interest in reading. A lot of them are Nora Roberts books, which go all over the map for me in interest. Sadly, most of the ones I have been reading lately are so blah/boring that I haven't finished them, and thus I don't review them. I finished this one, but I don't know why I bothered other than it was a book that I could read while knitting.

Basically, this is the most predictable/cliche book I have ever read. Plucky talented young newsgirl ends up with established and totally batshit crazy star as her enemy. Plucky girl rises to the top of the talk shows, enemy seethes. Plucky girl gets a boyfriend and a stalker. Stalker naturally decides to kill anyone that does anything to plucky girl, including her crazy enemy. Every single note of this is utterly predictable and there is nothing you haven't read before somewhere else. The bad guys are bad, the good guys are good, everyone is pretty one note. I guessed the stalker's identity right off the bat. Eh.

It's well written, for what that's worth, but I suspect she wrote this one in her sleep. It would have been good if anything had happened in the plot that I wasn't expecting.

Two stars.

A Discovery of Witches

By Deborah Harkness.

The reviews for this one are all over the map. Some people seem to have been blown away by this book, some people think it's crap. I bought it hoping for the former, but I think I'm falling somewhere in the middle.

(Stars mean that I'll be following up on this in the spoiler cut below.)

The plot: there are three different types of magical creatures in the world: witches, vampires, and daemons (not the Phillip Pullman variety, I'll get back to them later). Diana Bishop is the last of two long lines of famous, powerful witch families, but ever since her parents were murdered at the age of seven, she's kept using her powers to a minimum and pretty much stuck to living a human life, eventually becoming a professor. Except for when she goes off to do research at Oxford in September and checks out a library book that nobody has seen in a really, really long time, and she's apparently the only one who can open it. Diana, freaked out by the book's magical properties, quickly sends it back without all that much examination (argggggggh). However, this somehow sends off some kind of universal magical flare to EVERYBODY, and next thing you know the library is swarming with magical creatures, watching (and in a few cases, threatening) Diana to see what happens with her and the Ashmole 782 text. The book is rumored to be some kind of origin-of-species sort of book, but for which species is debatable.

Diana meets and falls quickly in love with local Oxford vampire Matthew Clairmont (a.k.a. de Clermont, he's a French vampire), a scientist who investigates, among other things, creatures' DNA and is trying to figure out the nature of the species and why they're all declining. This leads to both of them, but Diana especially, being threatened by the Congregation, a nine-member, three-species group that is supposedly in charge of all of the creatures AND wants to make sure that nobody fraternizes romantically with anybody not of their species. (I thought, "Good god, must every paranormal race have a giant hate-on for every other race in every book?", then remembered that humans like to hate people for having a freaking different skin color and shut up.) After things get threaten-y, Matthew hauls Diana off to his family home in France to stay with his vampire-mom Ysabeau. A long period of relaxing frolicking (or at least uh, not quite so much in the way of plot but plenty in the way of romantic behavior) ensues, until well, turns out vampires can't protect a witch from everything. After that point the plot gets a lot more interesting, and this is going to go into a trilogy.

There's good and bad in this one.

The good:
(a) The setup and worldbuilding in this book are very intriguing to me. The storytelling is probably a bit too nerdy/intellectual for most folks (since most of the characters are academics who are really into history, or lived it), but I am interested to find out what's going on. This book is mostly setup rather than any kind of resolution (seriously, Ashmole is pretty much the opening catalyst and then only drops in here and there), and I could use some better motivations at times, but that might come later. There's a lot of potential for finding out secrets and backstories and stuff that I'd like to check out.

I especially love (b) the daemons, the likes of which I really haven't seen in any supernatural fiction before (and in all honesty, why I got the book). You know those famous people, the geniuses, the rock stars and serial killers? Those are daemons: people born at random to human beings or witches that have supernatural intelligence, and possibly some psychic powers. Also, rather than from lines of descent, they show up randomly in the population (like immortals in Highlander?).  They have their own issues because they come from out of the blue and don't have any kind of family history or maker to help them understand what they are. I liked the normalcy AND the paranormal-ness mix in the daemons, and I really wish they had gotten more focus in this book because lord knows we've seen witches a fair chunk and vampires are way overdone. I am hoping that daemons will get more focus in book 2, and it sounds like this may happen.

(c) Going below the spoiler cut... I liked some of the later plot details.*

The all right:
I generally liked the characters, particularly the motherly ones who were pretty idiosyncratic.: The schmoopy romance is done well. It's a fast romance, but it works. I did like seeing more daemons at the end, though I'll admit to being kind of weirded out by one of them.**

The bad:
(a) This is primarily a romance novel. The book could have used more plot. I don't think it needed to be this thick and costly for the amount of plot in it. (Honestly, I'd recommend waiting for it in paperback or buying the e-book 'cause this thing is heavy to carry around!) While yes, it's lovely that Diana and Matthew get a pretty schmoopy vacation in the middle of the plot, and eventually the plot catches up to them, it needed to have more driving action going on. Mostly there's a lot of plotting, and some threatening, and the occasional terrifying badassery, but for the length that it is, it needed more going on, or some editing.

(b) DEAR GOD, DIANA IS A FREAKING MARY SUE. There is, alas, no denying. I went and looked up Mary Sue traits on TV Tropes to see if I was feeling that way mistakenly, but man, she's got most of the traits. Now, to her credit, I don't think Diana (who narrates 90% of the book) would think of herself that way. She acts like a normal person who isn't a total prima donna even though she could be such. She's tall and blonde but not the world's most gorgeous girl. She's timid about magic use (for good reason), but will stand up to people. I don't quite think her personality is terribly MS, but her life situation is so Chosen One times a thousand. Seriously, I am not exaggerating when I say that she has the most special, perfect, superpowered DNA in the entire world.*** There's being a Chosen One (which one does kind of expect when you're the descendant of long lines of witches and you end up with a vampire) and then there's "dear god, that is too fucking perfect to saddle on one character, will she ever have any issues with solving anything?", and this book goes there. Very frustrating.

So.... overall, I think I'd tell folks that you might want to read this one, but wait for it to be in paperback. There's interesting world potential, but there is also whopping Mary Sue-ness. Whether or not you can deal with that is up to you.

Two and a half stars.

Cautionary Tales

By Stephen Tobolowsky.

I probably wouldn't have even heard of Kindle Singles (hell, I just downloaded Kindle for iWhatever in order to buy this, now I have FIVE e-readers on my iWhatever), except I am a diehard fan of The Tobolowsky Files and pimp it at every opportunity on the silly links blog. Now it will be pimped here too, because YOU SHOULD ALL LISTEN TO IT EVERY SINGLE TIME, I AM NOT KIDDING. It is awesome.

Anyhoo: Stephen Tobolowsky has written up a collection of related stories into a short piece, which are clearly ah... probably too dirty for public podcast consumption, in a sense? I'm guessing, anyway, 'cause it's all sex-related, if not exactly bow-chicka-bow-wow. If that sort of thing bothers you, then maybe you'll want to skip it, but I found the subject matter hysterical.

Cautionary Tales is a collection of sex-related events in his growing up years, especially with regards to hookers. Yup, I said that. There's his "American Pie" moment, I'll just leave it at that. And then there's the time where he was rushing a fraternity and suddenly there was a requirement that everyone had to bang a hooker... this has quite the stinger of an ending there. And then there's the time where a girl he dated wanted to do a foursome.

It is hilarious. He's got awesome turns of phrase, especially describing throughly absurd situations, that made me want to quote and quote all over the place in this review. I am, however, restraining myself for the surprise factor. Suffice it to say I made a lot of bookmarks while reading it, though.

Now I want to know:

(a) when's the next Kindle Single coming out?

(b) when will someone give him a giant book deal? ESPECIALLY THIS LAST ONE, PUBLISHERS.

Five stars of epic hilarity. If you can at all download Kindle software onto your electronic gadget of choice, this is worth getting.

Late Eclipses

By Seanan McGuire.

Previous book here.

The story starts out with Toby very unexpectedly being awarded the knowe of Goldengreen (ruler-less since the first book) and a countessship. This is something that's never happened to a changeling before... AND the Queen of the Mists awarding it really hates Toby. This would be a bad sign and something to ponder, except bigger disasters happen right after that: Toby's old enemy (as well as the enemy of the Torquill family) Oleander de Merelands is back, and she's killing or trying to kill Toby's friends and their people all over the place. And she's a real whiz with poisons. After some folks die, Toby is frantically running around trying to save who's left, and recruiting a fey scientist to help find cures. What it really boils down to is that Toby is being framed by her old enemies from sixteen years ago... and they want her to be officially put to death for murder. And the Queen's more than happy to help with that.

This is a really gripping tale, and I pretty much gave up on doing anything for the last hour of reading it that I was supposed to be doing. There is one giant surprising development in this one that's been foreshadowed, though I'll admit to not knowing enough about the faerie world to have exactly picked up on where that was going. It should lead to some interesting future developments, anyway.

Four stars. Ready for the next one already!

Blackout

By Rob Thurman.    

Previous book here.

This is a dark, dark book. I realize the irony when I say that about a series that features a guy who's half evil fairy and is constantly killing monsters, but... really, this is dark.

After getting dosed with a spider venom that gives you amnesia, Cal wakes up on a beach in South Carolina next to a bunch of monster corpses with no idea who he is, and three different (serial killer named!) ID's in his wallet. After a few days of blindly making his way in the world, his brother Niko and friend Robin come to pick him up and remind him of who he is: yes, he's a professional monster killer, and they're looking for a fake goddess named Ammut who's going around slaughtering the supernatural community at large.

This is not to say that the book isn't about what I just said, but really, it's about amnesiac Cal trying to figure out who Original Recipe Cal is... and being totally disturbed by the blackblackblackdarkcreepyscarykiller guy he sees in a photograph. It's about amnesiac Cal having no idea about his past, and Niko feeling very conflicted about whether or not that's a good thing. It's about a more cheerful than usual Cal wondering if he actually wants to be the old Cal again, and/or if that's a necessary thing given the world he lives in. It's introspective in a sense that we don't usually have time to see in this series, in a way. You find yourself missing the old Cal and his bromance with Niko, and yet you wonder about the changes that the venom has temporarily made in his personality. Is that for the better, or worse? In the end, well...

It's a deep book and well done (indeed, the author is a tricksy narrator. I'm reminded of just how well she did at a change in voice in Nightlife, even though this is a different scenario), though I'll be honest that this is probably not the book that I'll reread most often, either. It's heavy stuff.

Four stars.

Silver Borne

By Patricia Briggs.

Previous book here.

Mercy has three problems to deal with in this book:

(a) her werewolf roommate Samuel has become suicidal, and after an attempt at drowning himself, Samuel's inner wolf has taken control of the body. This is a Bad Sign in werewolfland, and in general a wolf that goes that far gone has to be put down before he goes nuts and starts killing people. However, Samwolf (hee) actually manages to hold together pretty well... Mercy's trying to keep him together as best she can.

(b) Someone or someones in Adam's wolf pack has a problem with Mercy and is trying to mess with her... and later, try to kill her. This leads to Adam getting very injured, and lots of complications that Mercy has to deal with when it comes to pack politics.

(c) Mercy currently has a fae book on loan from a part-fae bookseller named Phin. When she attempts to return the book, she finds Phin gone and it looks like he's been abducted/killed by other fae looking for the book. After hiding the thing, Mercy and Samwolf try to figure out what's going and who's behind it. This is a pretty interesting case, and has some twists and turns.

I liked the balance of the three stories in this book. They all worked well together, and were pretty interesting in themselves. I especially liked how the fae story worked out in this one.

Four stars. I can't think of much that's complicated to say about this one, but I did enjoy it.

The Trouble With Valentine's Day

By Rachel Gibson.

Disclaimer: if you're a Valentine's hater and that's why you picked up this book (like I did), it has very little to do with the day. Just so you know.

The first chapter of this will be a special Page By Page Review! Why? Because I had enough jaw-dropping moments during virtually every page and I had to share.

Page 1: Valentine's Day sucks! Well, duh, that's why you got this book, right?

Page 2: Brand names are dropped all over the place. Our heroine is dressed via Haines and Costco. I don't care.

Page 3: Our heroine (Kate) drinks hot buttered rum in a bar on her way to her grandfather's house in the mountainous sticks. The bartender remembres her name.

Page 4: Last year at this time, Kate lived in Vegas and was dating a gangster who dumped her when she wanted to get married. Yeah, there's nothing at all suspicious about that.

Page 5: The gangster eloped a few months later. Kate is a private investigator by trade. She realizes that she likes bad boys... er, "unattainable men."

Page 6: Being a PI was good, until she got this ordinary client whose family ran off...

Page 7: "The things he'd done to his wife and children before he'd killed himself had stunned the country." Oh man. We are on page SEVEN and this bomb gets dropped. Anyway, that's why Kate quits and decides to shack up with her grandpa.

Page 8: It's been a long time since Kate got laid. If you don't have sex, will you lose your ability to have it? Puh-leeze.

Page 9: Kate eyes the bartender and fantasizes about more bad boys who hang out in "dive bars with names like The Brass Knuckles or Devil's Spawn." Good god, Kate.

Page 10: Here comes a target. He has a Fu Manchu and a soul patch. I am gagging. Flirtation/checking for singleness ensues.

Page 13: He has a tattoo of a snake.

Page 14: "Are all five feet of her tattooed on your body?" Yes. Yes, they are. RUN KATE RUN. Kate reveals that she has a tattoo.

Page 15: "I bet it's a girly tattoo." It is. "A moon on a moon."

Page 16: Kate propositions him. He turns him down.

Page 17: "Don't take it personal, but I don't fuck women I meet in bars." BURRRRN!

So Kate moves to Smalltown, USA, where Fu Manchu (i.e. Rob) lives. Embarrassment ensues.

Rob's backstory: once upon a time he was a hockey player who had an off-and-on relationship with his girlfriend, knocked her up, married her, managed to restrain himself from cheating for a whopping five months until he fell off the wagon, he boinked Glenn Close and she shot him in the knee and chest, ruining his career and ending the marriage. On the one hand, Rob is clearly a skeezebucket. On the other hand, one does have to slightly appreciate him staying hands-off the ladies when "Is this one hot enough to DIE for?" goes through his brain. Good point.

So, they live in a small town, not much going on, rumors abound, Kate finds out Rob's ugly history and of course gets involved with him anyway. His mother and her grandfather start dating and bond over bad poetry (which is oddly rather cute).

You'd think upon reading this review that I think this book is a real stinker. No, not so much. It's actually fairly fun. Even though Rob has a lot of jerkass qualities, he is already working on getting over them at the start of the book, and one appreciates it. The relationship between Rob and Kate is rather fun and tease-y, and the world of Gospel (town name) is set up pretty well. It's an entertaining enough read, not super memorable years later, but fun entertainment at the time. Better than it sounds. Hell, it got me to root for a former cheating guy with a 5-foot-long snake tat and a Fu Manchu 'stashe, so that's saying something, isn't it?

I have a few semi-severe nitpicks I have to mention.

(a) I am not a doctor, but I am pretty sure that if you got a BULLET IN THE KNEE, enough to ruin your hockey career, that you really, really should have SOME KIND OF LIMP or walking impairment. But no, Kate even remarks that he walks like he was never injured. What?! Sorry, but that bugged me. I've known folks with far lesser injuries that limped, so it seemed really odd.

(b) Rob has a Hummer. Oh, excuse me, a HUMMER. It is capitalized every time his car is mentioned, which is pretty frequently. I don't know if the AP Style guide (or whatever book publishers use as their gold standard) requires that the word be capitalized, or if the author's getting a deal if she pimps the car, or what, but I found the ALL CAPS HUMMER to be distracting every time I freaking saw it, and it took me out of the story. (Naturally, at one point Rob gets a hummer in the HUMMER. Well, I'd go there too.)

(c) One missed opportunity: at one point Rob asks Kate if she's curious about the size of his package. I really wish she had said, "I already know how long your snake is." Ba-dum-bump.

Overall, I'm gonna give it three stars. Not bad.