Sarah is the curator of the Museum of Sex in NYC. Here's how she got the job, what it's like to do her job, and what it's like to date while doing this job. Here are the notes I took while reading this.
- "As curator of the Museum of Sex, I know something is exhibition-worthy when it makes me stop and wonder. For most people, the simple fact that the museum exists gives them pause."
- "Yes, we have a sign that says, "Please don't touch, lick, stroke, or mount the exhibits." And yes, our guards often have to remind patrons, "That sex machine on display is not for you to use, ma'am." Or, "Sir, please get off the St. Andrew's Cross" (a seven-foot brushed-steel X, once the main restriction apparatus in Domina M's dungeon). But that's just the price of doing business when you feature the world's most fascinating topic."
- "Unlike many museums, we do allow photography. Our guards watch as thousands photo bomb themselves with the installations, in many cases trying to make it look as if theyare engaged in the sexual act on display. I can't count the number of times our life-size scultpture of pandas coupling has been taken from behind for an interspecies Instagram. And for every penis that has graced our galleries, I'm confident a photo of someone pretending to fellate it exists on the Internet."
- There are areas where they can touch the exhibits. "During one of our exhibition parties someone bit the nipple off the female RealDoll. We learned our lesson."
- Few people confidently grab a penis but they will be all over the breasts and sticking fingers in the vagina of the female doll. "Could it be that, even in a museum, our society thinks women's bodies are fair game?"
- There is a Fuck Bike--if you mount it, it causes a dildo to flop around. And a Jump for Joy-a bouncy castle made of gigantic breasts.
- Tommy Lee came for a tour and was all “I have one of those” at the Fuck Bike. “For all I knew this wasn’t a joke.” As they went on the tour she realized there’s a giant projection of his sex tape in the show. She hustled him through, hoping he didn't notice. He didn't. “If I could educate a rock star with a famous sex tape, I really must be doing something right."
- "Ten years ago, for example, few people knew the meaning of the word bukkake. Today I'm confident the average eighteen-year-old would be able to provide a succinct definition."
- How she got into this: her boyfriend took her when she moved in nearby. "It was safe to say I'd never think of the word museum in the same way again." She handed her resume in, and surprise. "At age twenty-two, having never watched porn, visited a strip club, or owned a vibrator, I had an interview at the Museum of Sex."
During the interview: "This is our fully stocked liquor cabinet," he said, pointing to his right. "Sometimes you need a drink working here." I was about to learn why."
- "I just had to make sure you were MoSex normal,. Some of the summer interns I hired were a little questionable in that department." You need to hit a balance between not using the job to score but being comfortable dealing with "torpedo tit latex catsuits, ass locks, glory holes, artificial hymens, the secret world of Syrian underwear, nineteenth-century brothel guides, fetish illustrators, scrotal saline injections, sex machines, and panda porn."
- Mo Rocca to the mother of a porn collector: “Does the sea of porn ever distract you from your crocheting?”
- “Somehow, when you look at Victorian porn (whether moving or still), you feel like everyone is in on the joke, that even the performers themselves find it kind of funny to be having sex in front of the camera.”
- “Once you start looking at places for their sexual possibilities, you can never quite stop.”
- New York’s Standard Hotel has glass-walled rooms. “During construction, the hotel posted signs that said, “We’ll put up with your banging if you put up with ours.”
- “Everything and anything can be a kink for someone.”
- “It wasn’t every day that an adult man and a baby wore similar outfits, and to the office for that matter. It was one of those moments when I really had to pause and realize how atypical my life had become.”
- After working on a show about kinks, “I was now hyperaware that just about anything could be a turn-on. It was becoming impossible for me to leave work at the office.”
- There is something called a Lap Juicer in which a lap juicer sticks half an orange on it and “through the movements of their body, they force the juice out of the fruit.”
- “At most natural history museums, it’s rare for an animal’s penis to be shown. I have earnestly looked.”
- Penis facts!
Barnacles have penises 40 times the length of their bodies, because they can’t reach the other barnacles otherwise.
Banana slugs have penises on their heads and sex is followed by chewing off the penis by the partner. This actually has a word for it, “apophallation.” sometimes they will chew off their own penises for...whatever reason.
Flatworms practice “penis fencing.” They’re hermaphrodites, and whoever gets it in first gets to impregnate rather than be impregnated.
Argentine lake duck has a 17.5 inch corkscrew penis and the females have a similar vagina.
“Guys, if you don’t protect the environment, your penis could shrink.”
- Spinner dolphins practice group sex, “engaging in orgies known as a “wuzzle.” WUZZLE!
- Amazon river dolphins have blowhole sex. They have a sculpture of this in the museum.
- Homosexual necrophiliac mallard! Kees Moeliker, curator of the Natural History museum in Rotterdam watched this happen (for an hour and fifteen minutes and there’s a dance about this now, I know I posted about it awhile back but am too lazy and afraid to search for it) and six years later he got up the nerve to publish a scientific article on the observation. He later did a TED Talk on “How A Dead Duck Changed My Life” and got an Ig Nobel.
- She gets letters from prison inmates thinking she’s their soulmate. They love animals too!
- “The first time Grandma saw me on TV, the topic was panda porn.”
- A guy came into the museum asking “how much” for HER services, not the museum ticket. After looking at the animal sex window display, he said he’s not into the animals, and then freaked out when someone walked in with the office cat.
- Her eventual husband isn’t 100% thrilled by her job but mostly seems to go along, but does object to (a) her grabbing a penis while on camera and (b) wanting to wear a condom dress.
- Sarah’s idea of pre-cana is to make her husband go to a class on kinks.
- While on a AOL TV show called “Hot Girl, Cool Job,” she grabs the penis of the male RealDoll. “If I, as curator, can’t touch the doll penis without looking uncomfortable, what chance did our patrons have?” Her husband was unthrilled, yelling “Don’t touch the cock!” as he watched it in front of his work colleagues. “Did you really have to touch the cock?”
- During WW1, nearly eighteen thousand soldiers per day were unable to report for duty because of STI’s. By WW2, they changed that.
- Sarah loved a couture condom cocktail dress that she wanted to put in the museum, and the artist offered to make two of them for staff for the opening party. Sarah was psyched, but her husband thought it was “inappropriate for a married woman to wear a dress made out of used condoms?” (Expired, not used.) She figured maybe it’s because he grew up in Ireland and wasn’t thrilled with his reaction or having to ask permission. She asked various people about the situation and some people were all, yes, I would have a problem with it and you should be sensitive to him. In the end, the condom dress designer only gets one done in time and Sarah let’s their publicist wear it instead. Was it worth it to hurt her husband, who’s supposedly been patient with her profession and it pushes the limits of his comfort zone?
- Of course she gets a lot of dick picks. “Why do people think a naked snapshot instantly qualifies for display?”
- Husband Jason: “Sex is the Force.”
Anyway: if you're into this kinda thing, you'll enjoy it. If you're not, you won't. Four stars.