Speed-Reading Book Nerd Reviews

Shiksa Goddess (Or, How I Spent My Forties)

By Wendy Wasserstein.

I'm a fan, obviously. Here's a book of essays she wrote during guess-what-decade. There's a lot of them, so I think I'll just highlight my favorites:

• "A Place They'd Never Seen:" The Theater: Wendy takes 8 high school kids from the NYC public school system to see plays for a year. The experience is awesome for everyone.
• "How Suite It Is:" After living in a hotel for awhile before her apartment was done, Wendy kind of misses it. This one is shorter than the ones I'll highlight here, but it has a great list of things you never have to do while living in a hotel, such as "Believe your life is stuck. It's obviously in transition or you wouldn't be in a hotel" and "Dwell on the future. There isn't enough room in the suite for the future." Okay, so the latter didn't happen for me when I was living in a motel while my place was being de-flooded, but I see what she means. And mostly concur.
• "The LUMP List:" Categorizing the Last Unattached Male Persons available to you out there.
• "Diary:" A good week in the life for Wendy in 1996.
• "How to Do a Hollywood Awards Ceremony:" Wendy's trip to the Golden Globes.
• "Don't Tell Mother," a tribute to Wendy's idolized older sister Sandra.
• "My Low-Fat Dinner with Jamie Lee Curtis" is how Wendy wasn't so hot on having Jamie Lee playing Heidi Holland...but she learned that Jamie Lee wasn't just another skinny Holllywood person who can't act.
• "Jill's Adventures in Real Estate; or, I Can Get It for You at 3.2:" I'm not that into Wendy's more satrical pieces in this book--mostly, well, they come off as kind of dated at this point--but the ridiculouslness of a real estate hunt does come across well here. Especially the punchline.
• "Designing Men:" What's with all the architects in movies lately? They seem to be the Sensitive Guy Artists now.
• "The Muse that Mewed," a tribute to Wendy's cat Ginger. The ending of it made even me, a hardboiled bitch, tear up a bit in public. And that's saying something.
• "Heidi Chronicled:" Wendy watches an all-female high school production of her play.
• "Mom Says Every Day is Mother's Day:" I loved this quote: "If every day is Mother's Day, she merits a full 100 percent daily. Frankly, sometimes I would have rather gone to Saks for a nightgown."
• "The State of the Arts:" Back when Wendy grew up, theater was affordable. Not so much these days (see essay mentioned above). I was also amused at someone telling her that "Arthur Murray never needed a grant to write a play." After the dude realizes he meant Arthur Miller, Wendy points out that he had a grant--the WPA. Hah.
• "Directing 101: George Abbott on What Works:" Self-explanatory, I guess!
• "Theater Problems? Call Dr. Chekhov:" Wendy's tribute to the playwright.
• "How I Spent My Forties:" Wendy's fertility treatments and her sister's slow death. Fun forties, eh?
• " Days of Awe: The Birth of Lucy Jane:" Wendy's secret pregnancy and premature birth of her daughter.

If you're a fan of Wendy, especially when she's in fun conversational mode or going deeper, you'll like this. And miss her. Four stars.

Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls

By David Sedaris.

I liked this book, subtitled "Essays, Etc." It's on the more thoughtful side than the OMG CRAZY STUFF side--there's really only one "real life" essay that was that level of a shocker--but I enjoyed the thoughtful stuff as well. There are also some fictional monologues included in this one that he includes for teenagers to use in forensics competitions. "I believe these stories should be self-evident. They're the pieces in which I am a woman, a father, and a sixteen-year-old girl with a fake British accent." This is to say that these forensics monologues are scattered throughout the book at random, I suspect deliberately so so as to throw you off when suddenly you are reading Sedaris talking about a wife. So, that's to give you a word of warning.

(Disclaimer: I attended a reading by Sedaris previewing this book in the fall, and was very entertained. Though I am deeply, DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED that the essay he wrote about learning to shoot guns was not in this book! What the hell?!?! I want it!!!!)

Okay, on to the individual essays:

• Dentists Without Borders: Sedaris discusses getting health care in foreign countries and how well, easy it is compared to America.
• Attaboy: This is another "My Crazy Dad" story (of which there are plenty here), talking about the time his dad scared the shit out of a kid that he thought had insulted Sedaris's mother. When he finds out he had the wrong kid, he suddenly offers him ice cream.
• Think Differenter: The first monologue in the book. It's about a jerky guy who abandons families, tries to trick a blind newspaper seller by pretending he has a Canadian accent, and his obsession with portable music.
• Memory Laps: About Sedaris's swimming lessons and competitions as a kid. His dad always plugged the hell out of a rival swimmer, but once David actually wins a race, his dad continues to be a jerk about it...thus leading him to the realization that his dad is never gonna be a "Well Done, Son" guy. "Greg Sakas would have got the same treatment eventually, as would any of the other would-be sons my father pitted me against throughout my adolescence. Once they got used to the sweet taste of his approval, he'd have no choice but to snatch it away, not because of anything he did but because it is in his nature. The guy sees a spark and just can't help but stomp it out." True dat.
• A Friend in the Ghetto: This one's about going to school in North Carolina just after the school system had been desegregated. David decides that he wants to ask out a black classmate of his, since everyone keeps asking him about getting a girlfriend. But how will this go over with his Greek grandmother?
• Loggerheads: This one's about his childhood friendship with Shaun and how they liked to catch wild animals. Also turtles. Also being proto-gay and not knowing exactly what that is, but knowing that you're different. Especially when you walk into the bathroom at the wrong time.
• If I Ruled The World: Forensics monologue #2, about a teen Jesus freak.
• Easy, Tiger: Another essay on trying to learn foreign languages, or at least by using the phrase book.
• Laugh, Kookaburra: This one takes place in Australia. While visiting with a woman named Pat, she introduces David and Hugh to the concept of a metaphorical four-burner stove. One burner is family, one is friends, one is health, and another is work. If you want to be a success, you have to shut off one burner, and if you want to REALLY be successful, you need to shut off two. Deep thoughts there. Oh yeah, and there's also a kookaburra.
• Standing Still: At age 23, David and his sister Gretchen were living together and working menial jobs. One night, Gretchen gets grabbed by a strange black man that she can't really identify to police. That doesn't stop their dad from insisting that all three of them drive around town with a baseball bat looking for the guy, though.
• Just a Quick E-mail: Forensics monologue #3, one I enjoyed. It's from the POV of a smug married bitch who stole her sister's husband and then bitches about only getting a gift certificate for pizzas for the wedding.
• A Guy Walks into a Bar Car: about the time that Sedaris met a strange guy on a train and they proceeded to get wasted. More interesting than it sounds from the description.
• Author, Author: About book tours and how Sedaris likes to hand out condoms to the kids at them. (Hey, I have never seen him do it here! And we have plenty of kids!) It's also about his ego, and not having photographs taken, and Costco.
• Obama!!!!!: This one's about the reaction of Europeans to American politics.
• Standing By: About waiting at the airport and the freaky mothafuckas you run into while you're there. There's evil amounts of snark in this one, which I enjoyed.
• I Break for Traditional Marriage: Forensics monologue #4, a twisted one in which an unhappily married man uses gay marriage as an excuse to slaughter his family. Take that as you will.
• Understanding Understanding Owls: One of my favorites in this one, it's about an in-joke between him and Hugh about a book they own called "Understanding Owls." This eventually led to Sedaris getting the idea to get Hugh a stuffed owl for Valentine's Day, whether he wants one or not. This is generally illegal in a lot of places, but not in the U.K. This leads Sedaris to discover that the taxidermist pegs him right off as the kind of guy who wants to look at pygmy skulls....Warped and fun.
• #2 to Go: I think this one is the funniest essay in the book. It's about going to China, which Sedaris did not enjoy doing because apparently people in China just expel their bodily fluids ALL OVER THE PLACE, ANYWHERE THEY WANT TO. "Last month I saw a kid shit in the produce aisle of our Chengdu Walmart." It's completely shockingly horrifying and funny with it. Also: don't eat the food.
  Two notes about this essay:
  (a) A few years ago when I heard Sedaris read this essay aloud, the people in front of me, who had paid good money to buy these tickets months in advance, walked out in a huff upon hearing it.
  (b) I have relatives who went to China pretty recently. They are obsessed with world travel and I have never heard them say anything bad about a country until I asked my uncle if this shit (har) was true about China. He said it was, and that, among many reasons, was why they didn't like it there too much. He recommends going to Vietnam or Malaysia instead, for the record.
• Health-Care Freedoms and Why I Want My Country Back: Forensics monologue #5, my favorite of the bunch. It's about a bigoted mom who has no idea her son is gay, or that he's talking her into wearing an...interesting...outfit when she goes to protest in Washington. Y'know, the Seattle, Washington. Bwahahahah!
• Now Hiring Friendly People: On a similar note to "Standing By," this one's about being annoyed at the overly chatty lady in front of him at the coffee bar.
• Rubbish: In their new home in England, Sedaris has become obsessed with picking up the trash.
• Day In, Day Out: This one's about how Sedaris took up diary-writing and has continued with it, rather obsessively, to this day.
• Mind the Gap: Forensics monologue #6, about a pretentious teenager who's so obsessed with England that he's kind of ignoring the fact that his mom died.
• A Cold Case: About the time when Sedaris had his passport stolen...with its CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT "Indefinite Leave to Remain" sticker allowing him to live in England. Without it, he can't leave the country--which hurts his line of work. And getting a replacement takes months and months....Awkward.
• The Happy Place: The infamous story about how Sedaris's dad finally talks him into getting a colonoscopy...and he loooooooooves the drugs. This is probably the other major laugh riot one in the book--and ah, especially if you hear him saying it. Comedy gold. I don't even want to hear about such things, and it's funny. Has a wickedly sadistic ending....
• Dog Days: A poem. Kinda along the lines of "88 Lines About 44 Puppies."

Overall, I was quite entertained. Four stars.

Free-Range Knitter: The Yarn Harlot Writes Again

By Stephanie Pearl-McPhee.

There's a fair chunk of books I read that I don't review on this website--which probably explains to you why a speed reader can go awhile without updating here at times.  I kind of figure that weird books I read while going down a research hole probably don't appeal to the general public doing a search on book reviews on a specific book, which is pretty much my audience. Like I just read The Black Swan, which is interesting for the parts of it I understood, but I am probably not smart enough to get the statistics of it. Reviewing stuff like this is kind of difficult. Another sort of book I don't usually review here are the "niche" sort of ones. Anything by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, who's (in her own words) "kind of a knitting philosopher" falls in that category to me. I've read a few of her books and was entertained at the time since I knit and understand most of the jokes, but I haven't actually reread any and when I lost some of them in a flood, I never got around to replacing them. The few I read were kind of fun one-offs, I guess.

This one, however, had some surprising streaks of poignancy in them that made me want to mention them here. Okay, so I figure anyone who has no interest in yarn would read this--and indeed, I'd tell you not to because you'll think all knitters are crazy. Which we are. But what the heck, I'll write a review anyway.

For those who haven't heard of "The Yarn Harlot," the author writes books on knitting, some of which are more instructional and some of which are more like musings. This copy is billed as "a sort of David Sedaris-like take on knitting" (which is why my mother got it for me as a birthday present), and...I wouldn't really argue that. Her essay books frequently discuss the following stuff, which you can find in this one as well:

• Futzing with designs, or having issues following patterns one way or another.
• How her family and friends react to her obsessive knitting.
• How complete strangers react to her obsessive knitting.
• Yarn snobbery, i.e. "pay for the GOOD yarn!"
• Socks. Dear lord, most knitters (i.e. everyone but me) are obsessed with the socks.
• Sweaters.
• Baby garments.
• How knitting doesn't get any respect from the general public.
• Things that go horribly wrong when knitting and make you crazy. Some of which are justified and some of which just are written to make the author look like she's mouth-foaming crazy, apparently. (I could have done with a little less of "Dear Designer" and the one where she harasses a yarn company for discontinuing a yarn. Hoo boy.)

In addition to those, there's a few fictional(?) (I think?) stories about people. I was amused at "Dear Nana," the story of a boy writing to say that he has "almost enough" sweaters, so could he get something else as a gift next time. There's also a story about a mom who had some traumatizing experiences in the snow as a child, ("A Knitter's Sense Of Snow") and as an adult, she tries to brave her way through riding a toboggan again. Doesn't end as you might think.

But what really stood out to me in this one was that at the start (and sometimes end) of every chapter, she writes a profile of a knitter. I really liked these, and a few of them stood out to me.

"Annabelle" is the story of a wild 4-year-old child who pretty much cannot be left alone for so long as a trip to go find Kleenex  Stephanie is babysitting this child in this essay because her oldest daughter was like this as a child--and was a perpetual stripper. "I once had three police cards show up because my novice babysitter had made the foolish mistake of going to the bathroom for a tissue. In the seventy-nine seconds it took her to blow her nose, my darling and intrepid three-year-old had dialed 911 and then hung up." In Annabelle's case, Stephanie is teaching her to knit. You'd think a small, super-active child wouldn't be into this activity, but somehow it works. Why does this work?

"It is my considered belief that the number one reason knitters knit is because they are so smart that they need knitting to make boring things interesting. Knitters are so compellingly clever that they simply can't tolerate boredom. It takes more to engage and entertain this kind of human, and they need an outlet or they get into trouble."

Words cannot express how much I totally agree with that one.

"Denny," well, I'll just quote again: "There's nothing remarkable about her--except, somehow, all of her. She was dressed as she almost always is, in an outfit that defies descripton." Stephanie met Denny in a spinning class and was weirded out by her-- "I didn't know what to do with her. She was much too much for me, and that's saying something, since I'm often accused of the same thing." Denny breaks rules right and left and does what she wants to and gets away with it, which made Stephanie resentful and uncomfortable. "I wanted to be like that, so firmly me that I didn't let anything stand in my way...."

I related. Denny sounds like fun.

"Ken" is the profile of a male knitter and how he constantly gets attention when he knits in public. Stephanie finds it rather insulting how he's treated like "a rare bird or a valuable racehorse" because he stepped out of gender roles. "They must think him as bright as bricks if they are so impressed that he's able to manage." This turns into a musing about how women have extremely low standards for men and don't even realize it. Hear, hear!

Rachel" is the story of a woman who appeared to have the perfect life, and she didn't. She became depressed, and eventually knitted her way out of that depression by making a giant damn afghan. "...I think she lost track of what it felt to move forward, to accomplish things, and to be competent, and I think that knitting two full and undeniable miles of garter stitch gave it right back to her." AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Very inspiring.

I'm going to give it three and a half stars. This is pretty much a niche book and most folks that aren't knitters wouldn't get the jokes...but if you're into it, this is a cut above her usual work. Even if I wish she'd lay off of the essays that make her sound kinda mouth-foaming crazy at times.

Heaven, I Mean Circle K

By Elsa Panizzon.

Today I will be reviewing a book that few people have heard of, or ever will hear of. Which I kinda think is a real shame, because this is a memoir that pretty much blew me away. While yeah, a lot of self-published stuff can be iffy, this one's a keeper. It wouldn't fit into traditional publishing--both for length as well as subject matter/the author not already being super famous-- but I'm glad she finally got the story out anyway.

Elsa had a drastically different upbringing compared to most folks. She grew up in the middle of nowhere in the desert, and it sounds like she was pretty much marooned out there with nobody but her family except for trips into town. The closest anything to her was the Circle K, which was as close to heaven as a young Elsa knew of. She had to grow up VERY quickly, and by 15 was passing as over 21 in order to work in bars.

If anything isn't a shining gem in this, it's that Elsa tends to...hedge? Leave out a few details here and there? I'm not sure how to phrase it...I guess I'd say that she mentions things off-the-cuff and quickly like it's a fait accompli that you should know about this already/possibly not be concerned about it. Like saying that she was a 15-year-old bartender--she mentions briefly being homeless, and that at one point she's financially responsible for taking care of her mother (that one's never explained). You're like, what happened between story #1 and story #2?!?( Eventually she does explain more of this in Act III. Acts I and II are relatively lighthearted compared to that section. I normally am a fan of telling stuff in chronological order, but I think in this case, it was a good idea to break people in gently before going back in time and telling Act III.) But...sometimes the "skipping the details" did drive me nuts. Especially since this girl can usually give a lot of details and recap conversations when she wants to!

Here's the story rundowns:

Act 1:

• Heaven, I Mean Circle K: 10-year-old Elsa is determined to go to the Circle K, 3.3 miles away. At first her plan is to hop on a pogo stick all the way there, but when that gets nixed by her mother, she decides to borrow her grandfather's truck and teach herself how to drive just by watching and, y'know, figuring it out on the way... As someone who took an extraordinarily long time to learn how to drive, you can bet I sat up and paid attention to how THAT went. And it goes well....at first... but then she runs into trouble buying the gas (oh, so been there), starting what appears to be a long history of running into friendly men when she's having truck trouble.
• Sexy Gal: 15-year-old Elsa works in a bar, where nobody knows her age. She becomes a big hit with the local barflies, which annoys the bar owner across the street. Elsa dubs the other bar owner "SexyGal." SexyGal becomes veeeery interested in Elsa, which terrifies Elsa because she figures that SexyGal will figure out her secret. Instead, they hit it off in a fun and sweet way.
• Obi Wan Kenobi PhD: At age 17, Elsa's alcoholic boyfriend hits someone while driving and puts her into a coma. He starts drinking himself to death, and the guy's shrink (the title character) tells Elsa to run for it. So she does, finding a new apartment and roommate.  But as for the boyfriend...well, Elsa refers to him as Darth Vader for a reason. This is the story of how she got out of that!
• Teenager: Elsa's got a new apartment, she's got furniture, and she's got a new roommate/coworker that she admires. She also has an honest waitressing job rather than illegal bartending. However, she and the other waitresses are being very skankily sexually harassed by a manager. Elsa rounds up a lawyer and other victims of the guy (including her roommate) to file a lawsuit. It's a triumph at first, but then life moves on and things start to fizzle, and Elsa's "pure" church-y roommate turns out to not be as pure as Elsa assumed. But when everyone finally meets with the lawyers, Elsa figures out what's going on and is determined to make things go differently.... You go, girl!

Act II:

• Cranes! An Employment Interlude: At age 23, Elsa gets a job she has no qualifications or credentials for: secretarial work for a guy who runs a crane operating business. He's an asshole who admits to being an asshole. While everyone else she works with is friendly, Elsa freely admits that she has no clue as to how to run this type of business--or even how to operate the radio that she's (unbeknownst to her) supposed to be operating. Doesn't sound like she got trained either--but then again, the #1 credential for this job is being able to put up with a screaming boss and to keep his two best clients happy. One of them, who Elsa dubs "Aquarian," gets a crush on her. They go out, but find out they're romantically incompatible, as Elsa likes to actually have sex and Aquarian just wants to think about it. But they happily date friend-style anyway....despite having some awkward moments between them and the other best client. It's a sweet story with some scary moments.
• Trucks!: Elsa gets another job driving trucks for Frito-Lay. Her driving....well, I don't know if it's improved since she was ten, as she tends to damage trucks a lot. That girl must have a LOT of cute and charm going on to still have that job, I have to say. (I'm thinking of how the bus drivers here get fired if they just scratch a bus....) Damn, girl!
• Bonus Time: Elsa meets "Balloon Guy," who she hits it off with...but he's only in town for a night and wants to go out. Elsa doesn't want to be One Night Stand Girl, which she assumes he's going for. She turns down his offer, multiple times. But after a miraculous event of snow in the desert, Elsa takes the hint from the universe and goes to meet him. The fellow isn't nearly what she thought--he's got quite the life story of his own (think Richard in Texas from Eat Pray Love--I think those two would relate). Wowza. This section also has my favorite quote: "And it's because of things like this, I've learned to trust the universe. I'm pretty sure you'll never miss a bus you're supposed to be on."

Act III:
After the flirting and fun of the first two sections, Act III is heavy stuff.  We find out that Elsa's dad (who she calls W) was a psychotic abusive fuckwad, which suddenly explains a lot of things.

• For The Love Of Ketchup: at age 6, Elsa puts ketchup on her potatoes, which irritates her father so much that he literally breaks her wrist right there at the table...leaving her and her female relatives in the position of, how do we take her to the hospital when he says he'll kill all of us of Elsa goes? Dear GOD.
• The Day I Decided What I Decided: at age 8, Elsa's dad is beating her about five times a week. At one point she decides she wants to die...and then has the psychic intuition that she's going to live through this. Or hast to,anyway.
• Beating W: At age 10, Elsa's dad teaches her how to play cards, which she becomes very good at. She also starts figuring out how she's going to get free of her father someday once she can outplay him.
• The Juvie Guy: At age 13, W decides to haul Elsa to juvenile hall on a regular basis and beg/harass/flirt with everyone there hoping they'll take her away from him forever and ever. He knows his legal rights, he knows exactly that they can't turn him away. On the other hand, Elsa's a well-behaved straight A student that everyone outside of her house loves, so juvie isn't going to take her. The Juvie Guy of the title wishes he could help Elsa....but they're both utterly stuck legally for five more years. This will just infuriate you. Okay, all of act 3 does that, but...GODDAMMIT JUVENILE SYSTEM!!!!! Even when people want to help, they're not allowed!!! Reminded me of this Dear Sugar column.
• The Day I Left Home: At age 15, Elsa literally just walks out of there with nothing before she gets killed.
• The Last Time That W Hit Me: A few months after leaving home, Elsa's dad spots her at the Circle K and beats her badly--but this time in front of a bunch of witnesses.

DAMN, GIRL.

Elsa is quite the storyteller--whether or not it's a happy fun story or a horrifying one. You admire the hell out of her pluck and gumption and survival instincts, given what she grew up having to deal with. I had the impression of her right off that she was always brave and kickass, but this story shows how she eventually developed into the person that she needed to be in order to escape and survive and eventually even thrive. If you've been in the shit--or never been in the shit--you see how she got out and that you might too. She's been through hell and come out the other side, and you are so glad.

I wish she'd write more stories from her life like this. From what I've heard this sounds like highly unlikely at best and more like never going to happen, but I wish she would. She puts many other memoirists to shame. This is mindblowing.

Five stars.

Books that are hard to review

Occasionally, I run into certain issues with book reviews. I've read a couple of books lately where, due to the unique natures of their books, I just don't feel like I can review them as I would normally, with a token star rating and all that jazz. In the case of these two, I find it really hard to talk about the construction of how a book comes together when these books are done as they are, so I feel like I can't judge them like usual. So these won't have stars or any rankings, but will just be discussed...as best I can, anyway.

First up is Return of the Kings. There's several reasons why I feel weird about reviewing it, even though I wanted to mention it:

1. Once upon a time, I used to know a lot of the authors because I was in a writing group with them--so I'm biased.
2. This was a present created for one fellow in writing group's birthday. They wrote a story that imitates his style amazingly well--and I can say that as someone who read enough of his work to get that. They did this REALLY WELL, which is something I can appreciate, but random strangers online will not necessarily get. But hell, I couldn't have copied his style myself, so I'm impressed.
3. This is a book in which each person wrote a different chapter of it, a la The Floating Admiral. This makes it kind of hard to judge a book by how the story is written and how the author chose to shape it, when, uh, a lot of people shaped it. You can't really say things like, "I liked how this character started out, but then they kind of drift out of focus for the rest of the book," because, well...  It's just hard to comment on how "the author"  developed the plot in that way, you know?

What I can say about this book is that if you're the sort who likes Cthulhu mythos stories, this will be your jam. This is a world in which corporations are at war, travel is limited, and one of our main characters is friends with a handicapped dragon who's willing to assist her when she finds out that her ex-boyfriend....well, he works under the sea watching squids, and they're Up To Something. Of course, that's Bad News Rising. There's a odd assortment of bad guys, including shapeshifting swinging Tourists, there's alien porn, and, well... Elvis's reanimated singing colon. (Honestly, I somehow always was brushing my teeth when I got to reading about this, and...well, ughhhhhhhhhh, damn.) It's all about the weirdness. If you like weird, this is up your alley. But it's not the usual sort of novel, so read on with a grain of salt.

---

And then there's Fair Game, by ex-spy Valerie Plame Wilson. Even after getting forcibly outed as a spy, i.e. cat's kinda out of the bag already, the CIA gave her some shit for trying to publish a memoir. Which is to say that they went through the manuscript and bleeped out a lot of it. We're told it's mostly related to her terms of service, which is something that's pretty well discoverable by anyone and everyone by now. But just because someone else outed her doesn't mean that SHE is allowed to out herself on this information, apparently.

The author and the publisher did the best they could with a manuscript in which full on pages are blacked out. They include a 100+ page afterword by another writer in which she recounts what happened to Valerie by using public sources--i.e. all the stuff that we already know and could find out by searching through the media stories. They even include some documentation--the original paperwork saying that she not only can't tell how long she was in service, she can't refer to personal events like meeting her husband because they might pinpoint those things in time. paperwork about Valerie's difficulties with getting an annuity (Valerie herself is not allowed to mention that even though she served for 20 years, she's still too young to get her annuity until she's 56 years old. But hey, the paperwork saying so isn't classified....but the Agency bitches anyway....), her lawsuits about this, etc.

In the end after reading it, I'm debating rereading it after having read the afterword, just so I can place things in time better. As well as one can under the circumstances, anyway. The Amazon page says to read the afterword first, and I think I will concur with them on that one.

Here's the thing about reading this: the author is a good writer. She describes her experiences well and I'd love to read more about it, especially the sexism issues she dealt with and juggling life in two worlds. However....there's the deleted scenes. There's some areas where entire pages are deleted--for example, you don't get to hear a lick of how Valerie ended up with Joe Wilson and the narrative now skips from the "Island of Misfit Toys" org she worked at to suddenly having twins. And then there's plenty of moments where only one word is deleted. I understand having paragraphs and pages and the occasional sentence bleeped out. But sometimes whatever they bleeped out just looks...weird. Like, what was so offensive about describing a meal had during training, other than apparently saying it was southern cooking was ok? Then there's the hilarious sentence about one of her potential recruits, Nicholas.

"First of all, his enormous ego, already quite developed--since most ______ males from birth are led to believe by their mothers that they are precious beyond words--needed some ___ stroking."

OH MY. MY BRAIN WENT TO BAD PLACES WITH THAT. 

I'm going to take a whopping guess from a later meal mentioning that eating yogurt at it was traditional that Valerie was probably stashed in Greece. And I knew jack shit about any of that. (According to the afterword, I am correct in that guess.)

Mostly I found myself being frequently distracted by the bleeping. I found myself playing CIA Mad Libs and making up words that could possibly go in the deleted spots.It kind of made it hard to follow and concentrate on the awesome-to-nightmare story in between awkward bleepings, you know?

Other CIA Mad Libs:

• "It was just damn embarrassing to the CIA ______________________________________________"
• "Of particular note was Joe's book, The Politics of Truth, published in early 2004 and itself sent through the Agency's PRB process and approved for publication. Joe writes about when we met in 1997 _____________________________________________________________" Uh...seriously, THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN MENTIONED IN A BOOK, YOU GUYS.

So...I don't feel like I can fairly review it, per se, given the issues that this book has had put upon it. One can't comment on how the author chose to shape her tale when you're not allowed to read a good chunk of how she meant to do it. I can understand the CIA wanting to have first bleep on it, but it seems fairly clear that even by 2007, the author is getting weirdly punished on some level for shit that was not her doing whatsoever. Sheesh.  What you can find out about her tale is done well, and you feel sorry for her having to go through  this shit.

If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor

By Bruce Campbell.

Why didn't I read this book when I was reviewing celebrity acting memoirs? Grr. Anyway, this book kind of fits a nice nich in between Mr. Big Name (Rob Lowe) and Mr. Hey, It's That Guy (Stephen Tobolowsky). Bruce is the B-movie guy--either he has a big part in little movies or a small part in bigger movies. And he tells you about all of it--up until the end of Hercules, anyway.

Anyhoo: Bruce tells us about his life growing up in Michigan, getting the acting bug, and getting into wanting to do films with his childhood friends--most infamously, Sam Raimi. After a brief stint at college, Bruce drops out and he and his friends decide to screw Hollywood and do their own movie on their home turf. Eventually they make Evil Dead, which Bruce goes into great detail about exactly how they learned to make movies and get funding and the various special effects horrors they were creating.

After the success of Evil Dead, Bruce's career progresses, more or less. Eventually he bites the bullet and moves to LA, he gets married and has a few kids before his wife decides she can't handle having a husband who's hardly home, and he remarries to a woman who also works in the film business. (He doesn't talk about his love life or kids too much, but sticks to the joys of film.) He tells stories here and there of pranks he pulled and actors he worked with, has interview(/) snippets of conversations with his friends about movie making, and includes a few old diary entries and plenty of e-mails from fans that have varying levels of flattery and//or crazy.

Overall, Bruce is okay with his niche in the Hollywood ecosystem. He's happy to be a working actor and will pretty much do whatever and admits to it, and takes his fun where he can. Even on McHale's Navy. It seems to keep him sane and humble--he points out a few times that Hollywood infects people, and that he didn't go to a party a hometown friend of his was throwing in LA because the party sounded more like it was about the people going than having fun. The fellow sounds like he's having a good time, and what else would you want from him? I can't exactly say that I found the book a laugh riot, exactly, but it's a fun read and told in a light and breezy tone that I enjoyed. He's fun to hang out with while you read, and probably is that fun to hang out with in person too.

I wasn't ah...overwhelmingly blown away, but it's an enjoyable read. So, three and a half stars.

I Feel Bad About My Neck And Other Thoughts On Being A Woman

By Nora Ephron.

I normally love Nora Ephron, but I didn't feel like she was on her game with this one. Most of it is just a tedious bitchrant about how getting old is absolutely awful. Once you turn 43, your neck is ruined, ruined! You have to spend sooooo much money just to not look like a homeless woman! Everything is awful, except you have less leg hair to shave! (Reading this book after her actual death makes this...well, even weirder.) Mostly I just felt like I was watching George Carlin's "Complaints and Grievances" again. Normally I like George Carlin, but that one after awhile was just freaking tedious. Especially the part where he talked about picking things off his body. I started fast forwarding. "Still... still going on about it.... okay, seriously, George, you don't have to save everything that comes off your body...I am really done with hearing about this topic.... okay, seriously, enough, let's move on...."

You know, I'm sure getting old sucks. God knows everyone over 40 will tell you this. God knows everyone over 60 won't shut up about it. I'm sure I'll be just as bitchy when my time comes. But... complaining and whining without any thought about what you're talking about gets old. And most of this is shallow to medium level complaining.

There were, however, a few essays in this collection that were done with actual thought and meaning. I liked "Moving On," an essay about how Nora fell madly in love with the apartment building (the Althorp) that she moved into after her infamous second divorce. She absolutely loved the place and wanted to stay there until death. However, life moves on, new management comes in and starts wanting to get everyone out the door and upping the rent. It was kinda beautiful, a memoir of a happier time and how things change on you. I also liked "The Story of My Life in 3,500 Words Or Less," which is about what it sounds like. A short development of how she changed in life and came into her career. It was cool. "On Rapture" is a sweet piece on the love of reading.

But other than that....well, mostly I didn't enjoy it much. Not exactly a fun or thoughtful read, overall--just in the moments where she gets her head out of her ass.

Two and a half stars.

Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and Reunited

By Elyse Schein and Paula Bernstein.

In 1968, twin girls were put up for adoption through the Louise Wise agency in NYC, a big shot place for picking up Jewish babies. But what those who adopted kids through them didn't know was that (a) twins were being separated and handed out separately, (b) for a scientific study, featuring (c) kids that came from mentally ill/depressed parents. And if the adoptive parents didn't really twig to what was going on, so much the better!

Elyse Schein, a filmmaker/girl of all trades who was living in Paris in 2004, knew she'd been adopted, along with her schizophrenic brother. At age 35, she decided to look into her birth mother. While she didn't find out much about her birth mother at the time, she found out that she had a twin sister. Elyse has the remaining woman left from the agency contact her twin, Paula, who's living in NYC with her husband and daughter. Paula hadn't been interested in finding her biological relatives--and wasn't especially thrilled at the idea of getting called by the agency--but goes along with the call anyway. So Elyse flies in to meet Paula and they...somewhat hit it off? Well, they've got their amazing similarities such as the timing of some life events and allergies and interest in film--but on the other hand, there's personality differences too. And seeing someone else do the same things that you do apparently can really weird you out.

The book is written alternately by both women. Paula (especially Paula, who's a freelance writer and seems to really be into research) and Elyse decide to research their past--trying to find out who their parents were, but especially why the hell they were separated and why anyone thought that'd be a good idea. They pester the still-living folks they can find, talk to a few other twins in the same situation, hire a PI to find information on their mother, and basically go down an intriguing rabbit hole of their past history. The search is fascinating.

On the personal note, there are adjustments. While Elyse and Paula's respective parents and Paula's husband and kid embrace their new relative off the bat, the girls' brothers have some issues. As for the twins themselves... I do have to give the twins props for well, extreme honesty after awhile. Elyse is much more into the idea of having a twin than Paula is, and Paula flat out kind of wishes that she could cut Elyse off at first, or at least stay cordial acquaintances compared to the closeness Elyse wants. Paula eventually kind of gets over this--well, enough that she's fine with Elyse moving back to NYC to be with the family and be able to do more research in person. But it sounds like she still wants her space some. I also found myself siding with Elyse (I admit I am probably biased on this) because she's the single one who never settled down, and Paula was hoping that Elyse would also be married with kids for her kids to play with. Elyse wants that closeness, and Paula is all, "I already found my soulmate and have a family, thanks" to some degree. I found myself feeling a bit "grr" at Paula on Elyse's behalf. Paula wonders if Elyse finds her bourgeois, but I thought she was more of a Smug Married.

But overall, it's a good read and I enjoyed their journey into becoming sisters--and finding out as much as they could about themselves that they didn't know before.  Four stars.

Moranthology

By Caitlin Moran.

Previous book here.

After becoming a drooling fangirl of Caitlin Moran, I of course had to grab her collection of columns.  So how entertaining are they, you ask? Pretty darn good.

"As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.

Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.

"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."

Yeah, that sounds kinda like the motto for my silly links blog, right there. HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT THIS COOL THING!!!!

The best essay in the entire thing is"Keith--Noddy Holder Says You Wear A Wig," which is a completely fascinating interview with Keith Richards. His blatant honesty--both in his memoir and about Mick Jagger and his ex-wife-- is hilarious and refreshing and shocking and BWAHAHAHAHAWESOME.

"I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."

True DAT.

Also good:

• "I Am A Dwarf Called "Scottbaio"-- in which Caitlin takes up WoW.
• Caitlin's reviews of Sherlock and Downton Abbey episodes. I especially loved the Downton ones, and not only because they ah, focus on genitalia. The best part are her pre-column anecdotes about hanging out with Dan Stevens and watching him crunking with Michelle Dockery. I WANT VIDEO OF THAT.
• "Come Party With Gaga", in which Caitlin follows Gaga around, but especially into the toilet.
• "My Day With Paul McCartney, From the Beatles." Yes, there's a theme here.
• Not to mention the visit to the Doctor Who set.
• In some moments of seriousness, Caitlin does a series of columns on growing up poor that are brief, to the point, and heartbreaking.
• Ditto the short but poignant column on losing libraries.
• Some of the same material used in How To Be A Woman does crop up, such as talking about burquas and how babies are not a gift. Still good.
• "I Am Caitlin Moran, and I Was A Skunk Addict" also is funny while making a point.

Other topics covered are Caitlin trying to get a journalism job as a teenager when she was young, dumb, and accompanied by messed-up baked goods; making a point that we don't have any single iconic images for blockbuster moments in gay history (I'd say people getting married in CA, but I live in another country), making fun of music videos and their predictability, how quotas are needed, how to cope with trolls, loathing goody bags and a children's TV show, how you can't use the words "daddy" and "special" in public without bad reactions from listeners, how she only goes on vacation to the same four places ever, the royal wedding, Michael Jackson's TV funeral, and the deaths of Elizabeth Taylor and Amy Winehouse.

I was...less entranced...by the silly made-up dialogues with her husband, but whatever.

Either way, I still enjoy the hell out of her style. So, four stars.

The Revolution Was Televised: The Cops, Crooks, Slingers and Slayers Who Changed TV Drama Forever

By Alan Sepinwall.

I'm a big fan of Alan Sepinwall's TV review blog (both old and new), and he's self-published a new book analyzing the evolution of television shows in quality, daring, character development, plot development, and just how they choose to tell a story. We've come a long way from the early days, and this book proves it. He does briefly touch upon shows that he considers precursors to the television revolution, like Miami Vice and St. Elsewhere. But Sepinwall chooses ten television shows from the more modern era to focus on--Oz, The Sopranos, The Wire, Deadwood, The Shield, Lost, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 24, Battlestar Galactica, Friday Night Lights, Mad Men, and Breaking Bad. Notably, most of them were on cable or a smaller network that allowed them the freedom to be different. And as a sample from the Lost chapter points out, Lost came together in a freakishly miraculous way that will probably never be replicated again.

Sepinwall was able to interview notable executives/writers/showrunners/creators about how the shows came together and how they evolved (though I must point out to the Whedon fans that this book was written during Joss's busy year, so he wasn't able to be interviewed for it). You do hear a lot of behind the scenes discussion as to how shows came together--some of which you probably haven't heard anywhere else before now-- and dealt with actors and plot changes and administrative drama. He especially focuses on the choices of the cable networks in picking these shows and how they wanted to change/alter/direct their brands in the shows they chose to go to air.

While he doesn't go into tons of episode analysis (I wouldn't have minded more of this, but he does do that on the blog a lot), he does discuss the major controversies of shows, such as the endings of The Sopranos, Lost, Battlestar, et al. and how fans dealt with them. He also talks about the overall themes of the shows, such as the overall "everything is broken" theme of The Wire, and the "nobody really changes" theme of The Sopranos. He talks about how shows like Buffy and Lost were total character game changers. how David Milch's use of Shakespearean-esque talk combined with frequent use of the word "cocksucker" (I had to say it), how The Shield never really had a season that everyone considered to be "bad," and how 24 was considered a "male soap opera." I could go on.

Frankly, the only thing I thought was bad about it was that I wanted it to be longer.

Four stars.