Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Beth Sekishiro: "You don't need to be conventional to love people. Maybe you've got to give up your whole life - but that's just when you'll find it."
I looked up the lyrics as to what Kenny actually says here. I am not gonna quote that in the header. Also, I'm not gonna get to all four today because busy.
Jewbilee--And here we are at part three of the meteor shower!
Kyle is dressed up for "Jew Scouts" with stars on him and...fake curls. Kenny comes over and wants to hang out, but Kyle has to "do some big thing in the woods" that will probably suck.
Kyle asks if Kenny can come along and his mom is all "Jewbilee is a special thing-" "Kenny isn't special?" Poor Kenny.
"Kenny will believe whatever you want him to!" Kenny can go! Yay!
Ike doesn't want to go to Squirts and keeps ditching his curls.
The kids are dropped off. "Kenny, try to act Jewish." "How do I do that?" Earning a chutzpah badge should be more fun than that.
Council of Elders is reminding me of The Book Of Mormon.
"I don't remember hearing about the anti-Semetic sect of Judaism before." "We're new."
The Scouts carve soap.
Oh no, don't tell Kenny to raise his hand!
Hey, there's a Chinese kid! (Hey, he could have converted.)
Why am I reminded of Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Poor Kenny has his bell rung. A lot.
"You don't make a macaroni picture of the Last Supper at Jewish camp!"
Bear sighting #2.
Okay, I think I found where the real suicidal religious cult is going on tonight.
The anti-Semitic Jew gets kicked out for being a weirdo.
The Squirts leader sics small children on a bear. Naturally a kid got carried off. THAT'S CHUTZPAH. Or stupid.
Wow, praying for Moses actually works! He wants macaroni pictures and popcorn necklaces. Kenny offers his soap sculpture of himself) and is dubbed as "an impurity." Ruh-roh. Kenny is kicked out. "No room for the impurator."
Yeah, the anti-Semite is being a bad guy with a gun. Shocker. While Kenny watches, everyone else is locked up. He is summoning "Haman," whoever that is, I forget. The guy with the hat cookies?
"We can spend the rest of the night making bear sandwiches!" Right.
There goes the ATF, in the wrong direction. Kenny: "Shit."
The Squirts find a....probably dead Squirt...It's a trap! The bear gets all of the kids and the leader says fuck it, you can have 'em, I don't need a badge. He gets Kenny too.
"Kenny will find a way to save us!"
Kenny finds the other Squirts and a baby bear-- they're all here for the baby bear's birthday! Kenny explains the situation and everyone is on it!
Shlomo can't figure out "unlock the door" because he's a fucking idiot.
Here come the Squirts! Chinese formation! They got the key! Kenny steals the book, but the jerk gets it back.
Kenny opened up the Moses shell to stop this shit.
Kenny saved us all! Exclusion is bad, mmkay? Of course he's probably dead again. Moses wants some glitter.
So basically, at the time of day or night when you literally feel the worst and most tired, you'll make shitty decisions? SHOCKER!
"Managers who ask a lark to make ethics-testing decisions at night, or an owl to make such decisions in the morning, run the risk of encouraging rather than discouraging unethical behavior."
So as usual, everything works out better for the morning people. Because the damn night owls HAVE TO be at work during their worst time of the day, but the larks will be home when their worst time comes so who cares about work?
Again, fuck you larks because everything is easier for you! EVERYTHING!
It's harder than you might imagine. You can't have sounds of the treetop canopy when you're looking at a land animal, for example. What insects would be found nearby? Do birds migrate there? What animals forage there? Is the animal's habitat deep jungle or open savannah?"
"I wrote on it: “Stolen by Tim Allen. Love, Sigourney Weaver”
Allen: She eventually signed it with a smart-ass comment.
Weaver: He was so upset. “Why would you write that?! I was going to put it in my screening room!” Which was such a Hollywood thing to say.
Allen: She never asked me to sign anything. She doesn’t care."
Mitchell: For my birthday, Sigourney set up a stripper to come to the set and do a quick lap dance. They put her in a uniform, so it wasn’t hard to slip her in because we had a lot of extras. But when it was time for the stripper to dance, Sigourney runs out the room like there’s a fire. I’m like, “You’re going to bring this stripper and then you’re going to leave?”
Now the kids are in shop class "because you are America's future...most of us will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal. That's why we have shop class."
Who's the biggest troublemaker in class? Tweek and Craig are cited. "Hey, did you just flip me off?"
Cut to the home ec class. Kenny looks forward to making things that are pretty. Wendy wanted to be in shop class, but the pretty girls won't have to worry about careers. Kenny can't wait to marry a nice man, apparently.
"Why didn't Kenny want to take shop class? He's such a wuss."
The three other boys bet on which of the two dudes would win in a fight. They set up a fight after school.
Mr. Adler has flashbacks to some (actual normal human) woman....dying.
Tweek and Craig both went home instead. "Oh, ,they wanna fight, they just don't know it yet."
Craig wanted to go home and watch Red Racer. He really doesn't care until Cartman said Tweek insulted his guinea pig.
Tweek asks his parents for help, but they have terribly lame stories. "What happened to the fight?" "Oh, I think he moved away or something."
So of course the shop and home ec teachers are dating--but not making whoopee. Because he is freaking out.
Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny get into a fight instead.
Oh god, the home ec teacher is telling you to check for expensive shoes and only one credit card. "The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is two." You're also supposed to dump a guy who's still in school-- "Dump that zero and get with a hero."
Some kid sanded off his face.
Time for the fight. Everyone just stands there, having no clue how to fight. It's more of a slap fight. "We have to postpone the fight so that they can fight." Jimbo and Ned are recruited to teach Tweek to box. Especially one-armed Ned.
"Punch him in the balls! Now kick his balls! Now that's boxing!"
Craig has been brought to a sumo class instead.
RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAE!
"There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric."
Home ec is now teaching girls to guilt trip. "I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life." Kenny, try "I can't make love to you until we get a king-sized bed."
The home ec teacher wants to kick Kenny out. "Very few students are SEVERELY injured in shop class...."
There are Tweek vs. Craig programs.
Craig: "Respect my authority!" It just doesn't have the same ring.
Uh-oh, Mr. Adler is out of nicotine gun and suicidal. He feeds himself to the saw. Gross, dude.
Kenny transfers to shop class, apparently not noticing what Mr. Adler is slowly up ot. The other kids break a window flying into the shop class, distracting Adler from his suicide. And there goes Kenny. This triggers Mr. Adler to have some kind of dead relative flashback...thing...I don't know.
Tweek and Craig are in the hospital. "Yes, you can flip us off, Craig, we deserve that."... "You're both kind of sissies." Hospital fight ensues.
Huh. The fight thing worked...the disturbing home ec class worked...but what the fuck was with the dead girlfriend plot?!
Sexual Harassment Panda: Cat Orgy:
Cartman's home playing with his dolls again. Cartman was the only person in the world who liked the Wild Wild West movie.
Oh no, Shelly is Cartman's babysitter.
OH GOD, THE CAT IS IN HEAT. THIS IS GIVING ME HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS. ESPECIALLY THE ASS BEHAVIOR.
Shelly starts beating Cartman up and forcing him to cook. "I can't reach the freezer." "Figure it out, turd." Cartman wants to call his mom, but Shelly is on it.
OH GOD, THAT CAT.
I'm horrified that Shelly has a boyfriend. Skyler, no less. And he's 22. "Dude, that's not cool."
Kitty watches lions have sex on television. Wow....."Say hello to Mr. Winky."
Skyler is in high school and is a very immature 22-year-old. So he says.
Wow, getting Kitty catnip...DID NOT HELP.
Oh no, Cartman locked himself in with Kitty. He puts the Polaroid on Kitty and sends Kitty out to...yeah, right.
GODDAMMIT KITTY JUST GO GET LAID ALREADY.
Nobody here is gonna respect your authoritae.
Kitty spies a very pregnant cat.
Shelly sings. About turds.
Cartman finally calls his mom. His mom doesn't believe him and presumably goes off to fuck Mr. Mackey.
Skyler's love is as pure as morning snow.
The pregnant cat smothers Kitty. Then fucks her. Maybe it's just a fat dude cat. I don't know, but either way, gross.
WHERE IS THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA? THERE IS NO PANDA IN THIS EPISODE. I was expecting some creepy panda teaching kids how to sexually harass at school and this is not it.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You're not yelling and whining." Wow, Cartman is sucking up to Shelly and it's disturbing.
Kitty gets gang-raped.
Cartman secretly records Shelly (12-year-old) not putting out for a 22-year-old. He dumps her. Shelly is brokenhearted. Cartman is all, why were you with an old scumbag anyway? EVEN CARTMAN KNOWS BETTER THAN THAT.
Kitty throws a party for all of her new boyfriends. With catnip lines.
Cartman takes care of the Skyler situation. Skyler is dumb enough to think Salma Hayak is talking to him. "Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night." Then he sees what Shelly did to his guitar.
"Wait, they're having a cat orgy!" OH WAIT, THIS IS NOT THE EPISODE I THOUGHT IT WAS WTF HULU?
Just as Cartman and Shelly are getting along, his mom walks in and passes out. "Luckily for us, my mom's a total lush."
Okay, now that I deliberately clicked on "Sexual Harassment Panda" instead of just automatic streaming, let's see if Hulu actually shows that episode.
Sexual Harassment Panda:
Yup, I got it. It's what I thought it would be.
Cartman's definition of sexual harassment involves ball tickling.
Sexual Harassment Panda has a very mumbly song and dance. "Don't be nasty, says the silly bear." The kids are horrified.
Nice panda sex scenes there, bro.
Cartman claims Stan sexually harassed him. The little booklet the panda passed out said he can sue. Stan is found guilty in court and can't pay up, so 50% of his belongings will be handed over to Cartman immediately.
Reverse psychology doesn't work on Cartman.
Kyle's dad talks Cartman into suing the school.
Mr. Hat is not a witness.
"Well, he is a little ass-sucker." Nope, Mr. Garrison doesn't do anything about harassment.
The principal has no idea if anyone's being sexually harassed or not, but she did kill someone and destroy a body. Thanks for sharing, Principal Victoria. Too bad nobody cares about that last bit.
Here comes the panda.
Eric's middle name is Theodore and he totally won the lawsuit.
So where does the 1.3 million come from for schools? Hmmmmm.. "You're trying to confuse me, aren't you?" "Sort of, yeah."
Everything is gone in the classroom but the blackboard and the people and the puppet.
"I'm telling you, suing people kicks ass."
Mr. Garrison writes on the board with a rusty nail because they can no longer use chalk.
Eric's dad has commercials on TV.
It's time to budget cut Sexual Harassment Panda. Uh-oh.
Now it's Eric's turn to get sued by Pip. The school has to pay 1.6 million to Pip and half the belongings...and now everybody's doing it.
Kyle's dad is now everyone's lawyer. "I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me." No, I think that was the spontaneous combustion episode, Craig.
Somehow Chef isn't busted for sexual harassment, but all he's got for food is lumpy potatoes.
Sexual Harassment Panda can't get another job. "Have you ever heard of a retreat called The Island of Misfit Mascots?" SHP says that's for loser mascots that make no sense.
SHP tries to drink in a bar. Here comes the drunks wanting to know why they eat bamboo. Hm, good point. SHP is off to the island. "Dammit, Skeeter, how come every time a panda comes in here you have to flap your jaw?"
Kyle tries to get his dad to stop suing.
Now the kids are in the bar getting harassed by Skeeter. Skeeter moves on to harassing a woman.
It's The Honorable Judge Julie, with "Everyone Vs. Everyone."
Island of Misfit Mascots Commune. I...can't even deal with that worm one. Or the pig.
There goes Kenny.
The remaining kids find the panda and blame all the lawsuits on him.
I can't even repeat all of the weird mascots. I'm not gonna try.
'YOU'RE A GUY IN A PANDA COSTUME!" And this is when we find out that everyone is in denial about their costumes. Or maybe furries, I don't know. This place is confusing and weird.
SHP is now the "Don't Sue People Panda."
"Let's sue the lawyer!" That just converted Kyle's dad. Case dismissed, let's go get ice cream, shut up Skeeter.
Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub:
Oh, hey, I only realized after watching Sexual Harassment Panda Cat Orgy that the other three kids weren't in it. This is the other half of that episode, at the meteor shower party! KEWL!
Stan is stuck in the basement with Pip, And Butters and a tiny redhead (Doggie).
"You can't leave me in here! These kids are total Melvins!"
What the hell is Pip talking about?
I wonder where Kyle and Kenny are now.
Let's get Stan's mom drunk!
The other kids find ladies' clothes and decide to dress up as Charlie's Angels. "Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?"
Here's the hot tub. The dads hop in naked.
The other kids are too stupid to make up their own mission, so they make Stan play Bosley. He asks them to find him a way out.
The dads want to experiment tonight. "Yeah, that was my leg."
Stan, check the air shaft!
Principal Victoria. YEAH, I JUST GOT THAT. The dads want to try a threesome. It is a night for experimenting..."Okay, I"ll start."
The ATF is spying on this party and Barbrady shows up. They claim it's a religious cult that's going to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts. They won't allow suicide even if they end up killing everybody. GOOD JOB, ATF.
Next mission: fetch Bosley some cookies.
The dads get dressed. "That was certainly interesting." What's there to regret, right? All we did was watch each other masturbate.
The first people who leave the party get shot but dead, Kenny-style.
"Hey, if you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?"
Now that Stan's in Mr. Mackey's bedroom watching TV, he has no interest in assigning missions. Then he sees the news...covering the house he's in... The other kids found their own mission.
Randy is feeling traumatized and strange. Oops, Gerald has totally told some people already.
Naked lampshading is happening. Stan tries to tell the parents and they are not paying attention. Stan's mom passes out.
The ATF plays Cher in hopes of driving them out. The folks inside like it.
The ATF announces on the news that they will set the house on fire. New mission, Angels!
Where is Cartman's mom?
Little redhead kid, calling himself "Jill Monroe" (oh, his name is Dougie) tries to be a reporter from inside the house to save them.
More partygoers get shot.
Butters approaches with the video.
And Randy just outs himself. Someone else was "I was just IN the hot tub!" A lot of other dudes have all done it. "We're all a little gay."
The kids save the day and the ATF runs away in shame. Are we friends now, Melvins? Nope.
New characters in the opening credits! Special guest star Jennifer Aniston as the choir teacher! I will say she's probably the only voice I actually recognize on this show.
Getting Gay With Kids? Really? Honestly, I just don't get why heterosexual guys are soooooo fascinated with calling everything gay at every possible opportunity. That joke was old in 1999 too.
Even Pip is bored at this concept of choir singers for the rainforest.
Kenny falls in love.
"I'll leave some pamplets up at the front." "Oh good, we need some more toilet paper."
Craig can't behave and he doesn't know why. He does have a covert finger. This guy should be a recurring character.
The kids shall be forced into the choir no matter what.
Cartman doesn't respect anything. Shocker.
Oh, hey, someone who doesn't comprehend Kenny. I guess because she's not a native. She thinks he's "Lenny."
"OMG, look how dirty and crappy everything is!" Note to self: next time someone nags me to go visit Costa Rica (have a family friend from there), should reference this to see what happens.
"Eric Cartman, you respect other people's culture this instant!"
You're right, they don't actually sing.
Touring the rain forest.
Cartman, pet abuser. RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAE!
"The snake is more afraid of us"--and then it eats the guide.
"I think we communicate really well."--Kelly to "Lenny," followed by breaking up with him.
"Is everybody still here?" "I'm not." "Who?" "Me." "I just saw Tony Danza."
"Mrs. Stevens, you have a bug on your back." "Oh, can you brush it off?" (it's a giant bug the size of her backpack) "No."
Oh, they just got rescued by guys with guns.
Kyle isn't good at choreography.
"We're not getting gay with any kids." Thank god.
Shootout ensues. Kenny blocks Kelly with his body...
That fragile flower just ate a kid.
Poor Kelly just can't get attached.
"Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard!"
"Maybe Cartman was right." "It happened once before."
Cartman finds those guys mowing down the rainforest.
So they tell Polish jokes in Costa Rica?
It's the Yanagapa people! They're cannibals!
Whee, quicksand. Of course. How could we ever miss an opportunity for quicksand.
Of course there is some giant dude in the wildnerness and the teacher is dressed like a cheerleader for some reason.
So mowing down the rainforest saves people!
"I hate the rainforest! You go ahead and plow down this whole fucking thing!"
"Lenny" is now struck by lightning.
Kelly doesn't get who "they killed Kenny" are and attempts CPR. Which WORKS! That's the second episode Kenny's been alive by the end in so far!
New song lyrics for the contest. "Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast!" Because if you've actually gone...
Final disclaimer: "Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses. There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer. Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late."
"I need to get an erection for my dad." "Very funny boys, now get out of here."
"I just want an erection so I can give it to my mom."
Kenny is still dating Kelly.
Kenny just spontaneously combusts.
I thought spontaneous combustion only happened to fat people near open flames.
The only scientist that lives in town is Randy Marsh, geologist. I guess Mephisto the ass man doesn't count?
"Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on." Kenny actually gets a funeral this time.
There seems to be more takething going away....Here comes the guilt trip again.
Praying for the Broncos at a funeral?
"You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?"
"Hey, resurrection! This is what my dad needs!"
Hey, it happened again! God must be angry with us!
"We're going to work on getting Kyle's dad an erection!" "Okay....WHAT?"
"Dammit, how come you're not combusting?" Randy has four adult versions of the kids to experiment on.
What was Kenny doing differently? Dating. What was Helen doing? Dating.
"Lord, is it so much to ask that we not bust into flame for no good reason?"
Girlfriend = DEAD. Boyfriend = DEAD.
That must have been hard to drag Cartman + a cross.
"Yeah, told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys."
Hah, leave him up there.
Didn't you read the Bible, dude? We have to leave you up there to die, then you come back to life in three days. Then I'll have an erection that I can give to my dad! BRILLIANT.
"Screw you guys, I'm going home" does not work in that position.
Randy's scientific explanation for spontaneous combustion is that having a new SO + not wanting to fart in front of her = kaboombah. ALRIGHTY THEN. Suddenly Terrance and Phillip will REALLY sweep the nation. (Amazingly, they are not in the episode.)
It is now law to have to fart in South Park.
"How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?"
But after you die, you'll have superpowers, just like Jesus! So shut up and die already, you piece of crap!
What a hat, Mr. Mackey.
"We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey." Let me show you how...
Cartman's mom will buy anything anyone says.
It's Randy Marsh Day! We'll celebrate with... a naked David-esque sculpture of him.
Nice outfit, Whoopi. Did you borrow it from Bjork?
It's time for the Nobel Prize for science. Guess who won?
Kyle's dad still can't get it up. But Kyle will help! "We have a very strange little boy, Gerald."
We're having a heat wave...a tropical heat wave. Randy wants a lot of money to fix that one.
"You children shouldn't be out crucifying yourselves in this heat." --Chef, in a dream.
"Not now, Stanley, without my scientific genius the world is doomed."
Mephisto's first name is Alphonse, and he blames global warming on Randy and the farting.
So, fart and start global warming, don't fart and explode. There goes the Nobel award and the statue.
Even Bob Dole can get it up. Why can't you?
Now hookers want to sue Randy Marsh for their skin cancer.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
I like this song they're playing during the science montage. Sorta Beatles-ish.
Where did that lion come from? (Or Chinese dragon head or something.) And the band?
Dad's got an erection!
Randy's solution is to fart in moderation. Only when you really need to or it's funny. "You can keep stoning me if you want."
Whoops, we left Cartman up there for three weeks. And he survived off the fat on his body. Ew.
Cartman at the eye doctor. Cartman hates this because the doctor makes fun of him for being fat constantly.
When Cartman ditches school, he usually shows up for lunch.
Cartman got his eyes dilated.
Chef quit! Cartman thinks it's because his eyes are dilated. Is Mr. Derp from that evil parallel universe? He hits himself in the head with a hammer. Nobody laughs when he shoots himself in the head. DERP! Why am I reminded of MLPFIM fandom now?
Chef talked with a woman?! He has a girlfriend?
"When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better." But Veronica can help!
I'm not sure what the song about the morning after pill has to do with that, though.
Cartman now has glasses. And a stapler.
Chef is now "the black guy" working at an accounting firm.
"Meaningless sex is fun for 20 or 30 years, but then it gets old."
Chef suggests LASIK. There you go. On the other hand, he flakes on playing ball and Kenny dies and resurrects overnight. HAH.
The boys go to Mr. Garrison for help and he dubs the girlfriend situation "Succubus Syndrome." "Women can kill. Poontang's expensive." Mr. Hat says he's not fooling anyone.
"Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens." Meet Chef's parents.
Hey, I want to hear about the Loch Ness monster. He wants $3.50.
"Time to laser me a little piggy." Cartman gets gassed and "I bet his mom wishes she could do that."
The Girl Scout....is still wanting $3.50 and is the Loch Ness Monster.
Eric has "a little visitor." She's an adult and brought pie. For once, Cartman isn't interested.
Veronica tries to explain. And then succubusses out.
Okay, now I am no longer interested in the Loch Ness story. Way to bum me out on that topic, Chef's parents.
The kids actually read books! Kenny Explains It All!
How do you sing "There's Got To Be A Morning After" backwards?
Wow, Chef, that is quite a suit.
Ewwww, succubus. "Succubus trying to take my baby!" Everyone runs for it except Cartman (who can't) and Kenny (who dies).
"Now that she's gone, I can't figure out what I saw in her." "Poontang is poontang."
Chef and Mr. Garrison sing a song, and Cartman wants an eye transplant of Kenny's eyes. Ew, dude.
The kids are camping. Cartman has a song called "I Hate You Guys." Especially Kenny.
"God, I'm glad you know all these pooping outside rules."
Jimbo and Ned at home. Ned has no pants. He lost his voice box and can't explain why.
"Man, don't burp talk, it just sicks me out."
That...thing they caught is cute? OH JESUS IT TALKS LIKE FUCKING JAR-JAR MAKE IT STOP. But no, it's some kind of frozen dinosaur or whatever?
Mr. Garrison will just try to have sex with it. "Oh, come on, y'all know that pigeon was a total slut." "Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon."
So Cartman's mom is smoking up and having a threesome. And won't get the door.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! It's another jakovasaur wanting help. Jakov is very loud when he whispers.
Ned has to call a phone number about his voice box. That's gonna go well.
Jimbo bought Ned a new voice box, and tortures him a bit before giving it to him. He got an Irish model. I actually like it.
Cartman gives a speech. No one cares.
So the jakovasaurs are given a home to have sex in. They don't seem to get that. Then breaking things ensues and Hope (the female) runs out. He doesn't know what to do! Nor does he have one.
OH NO, MEPHISTO.
"Do we really want another one of these things hanging around?" I don't.
Now Hope's about to give birth like 4 days later. Ew. Do we really want more of these?
How many are there? Too many. Class has now filled up with jakovasaurs. Making noise. And answering when they don't know. Cartman is the only one who finds this cute.
Everyone wants them to move to Memphis. Then Cartman talks them into staying. The Dept. of Fish and Wildlife run away and deputize Cartman in their stead. "Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritae."
Now Jakovasaurs is a reality show on Comedy Central. That seems fitting.
Jakov is offered a game show with a free trip to France involved for the whole family.
Another voice box came for Ned. What happened to the Irish one?
Jakov is competing against Barbrady. He answers long before any question is asked.
"What color is blue?" "Blue?" Barbrady wins? Oh wait.
The other boys distract Cartman with a new species--Kenny with branches on his head. Don't TELL HIM what you're doing, guys. Kenny is eaten by a bear.
Jakov can't even answer his own name. But he wins!
The plane does not answer to authoritae.
"We can't go around saving every form of life." Nice new voice box, Ned. Smooth.
II"ve never seen Cartman care so much about something. I guess because he found something as annoying as he is."
In France, the Jakovasaurs arrive and hit a cafe, thinking it's pyramids. The French find pratfalls amusing. Perfect!
Moral of the story: "Sound is an important part of sex." Or at least the thing shouldn't sound like it's dying.
"As women have long been aware, sound is indeed where sex toys are most in need of technological innovation. Case in point: the Hitachi. A teeth-chatteringly powerful device that alerts everyone within a five-block radius that you are getting it on with a back-massager. Not everyone likes announcing such things to the world. Even the quietest of vibrators are too loud, as any woman with a roommate well knows. We ladies appreciate the innovation of vibrator-heads shaped like various members of the animal kingdom and all, but what we really want is a toy that is silent. So now that mechanical sex toys are increasingly being marketed toward men, maybe innovation is on the way at last."
"A guy I dated for about three months ended things a few weeks ago because, in his words, I didn't let him "pursue" me enough (read: I got too invested too quickly, and started contacting him more than he was comfortable with). He said that he cared about me very much, but that he wanted to feel that the person he was with was a bit "hard to get." I was sad, but understanding, and I ended all contact.
Right on cue, after about two weeks of no contact from me, he started calling, texting and emailing again and eventually wanted to meet up for drinks.
This seems so on-the-nose (I didn't call, so he suddenly felt ravenous for me again) that it's almost insulting."
No kidding! Gag me.
Here's Carolyn Hax's response, which is more polite than mine would be:
"This whole love-to-pursue thing -- what do people do with it once they've committed to each other? Do they demand/promote an aura of mystery in their shared home? All body noises and hygiene rituals get rushed discreetly into locked, soundproof bathrooms? All unsightly ailments get immediately quarantined and tended to by hired nurses? All calls and texts go unreturned for a time -- not a fixed amount, but instead on a random-reward system to maximize cravings?"
Hah. This is what reminded me of The Rules. You can't have a real relationship when you are being "mysterious" and "not wanting him" and "being chased" or whatever.
"Yes, pursuit is a rush, a two-person amusement park. But it's better at teaching you about yourself than it is at bringing you closer to others, because it's not about the other person; it's about what the other person does for you. Fine to learn on but otherwise pretty thin."
She ends it with....
"If you're up for a game, then, fine, give him his second chance; he might grow up to be a lovely person someday. But go into it knowing this: He isn't calling because he realized his error in breaking up with such a great person. He's calling because he gave you strict instructions on how to hold his attention, and this is your reward for following them to the letter. Instructions that include wanting him but pretending you don't. Barf."
Seconding the barfing. If I have to play hard to get to keep you, then what's the point?
And it's kind of funny how he hooked up with a lesbian:
"Piper was the ultimate platonic playmate: We drank bourbon, ogled girls, shot pool in lesbian bars, and walked on weekends to all parts of the city, stopping to catch a church gospel service or grabbing a Bloody Mary. Best of all, no one gave me better advice on women, holding nothing back and offering a few pointers. If you’re a straight, single guy, I cannot recommend a no-bullshit lesbian bestie highly enough."
“Now there’s a nice, all-American girl,” Louis Smith, Esq., announced. “Why don’t you go date her?”
“Thing is, Dad, that’s the all-American lesbian,” I explained."
Heh. Later on...
"But the scene that played out before us was pretty close to what happens between Piper Chapman and Larry Bloom in the first episode of Season 1 of Orange Is the New Black. I didn’t say, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Clearly she wasn’t. The blood did not drain out of my body leaving me lifeless, nor did I lose my mind and start screaming. I didn’t, like Larry Bloom, exclaim, “Who are you? I feel like I’m in a Bourne movie! Have you killed?” But I wish I had—it’s a great line."
As for the slight advantages to the situation:
"As the actual sentence neared, we began what felt like both a coming out (“I’m a convicted felon…”) and a farewell party (“…who will be going away for a while”) as we told our larger circle of friends. We spilled the story to gaping looks, uncertain questions, and supportive hand squeezes. If we seemed calm, it was because we were both ready for her to get in and then out of prison and move on with our lives. We got good at these talks; it became a script we had down cold. I also realized that when you tell your friends a story like this one, they pick up the check. I started booking these get-togethers at better restaurants."
Always look on the bright side of life....
"In other words: Honey, if any couple has to have a spouse go to prison, it probably ought to be you, because at least your friends all know you’ll be okay. He looked at me, and we all looked at each other, nodding in tacit agreement: Larry, on the other hand, wouldn’t do so well in the pokey."
"I appreciate your honesty."
Larry Bloom, in one of his best lines, explains: “I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes.” I’m pretty sure it’s something I said, too, and even if I didn’t, it’s the scene at which my friends dropped their vocal opposition to Jason Biggs. For the record, though, I have never called her “Pipes.”
"It’s trippy to watch an adapted version of some of the most intense, intimate moments of your life play out on TV, in some version of real time, and know millions of others have watched it as well and have formed an opinion of “Piper and Larry.” It’s one thing to see someone reading your wife’s book on the subway; quite another to be standing in line for a movie in Brooklyn and hear the guy in front of you say to his date, “That newsstand we passed looks just like the one where Larry in Orange Is the New Black bought all those papers that printed his article.” It’s like living an out-of-body experience out of someone else’s body.
It’s also surreal to be moved by your own fictional—though mostly true-to- life—marriage proposal, recited by someone else. It’s funny to at once wish I had said a few of the things Jason Biggs (who plays Larry) said to Taylor Schilling (who plays Piper) and also be annoyed the writers didn’t use some of my lines."
Good point! Especially since you come up with some pretty good ones! Oh, and here's Piper's:
"As she waited to be released, she watched Martha Stewart leave her prison in West Virginia by helicopter on the women’s unit TV. “That bitch stole my thunder,” she said."
"I visited The Brick for one of the festival’s performances: a show called Grand Theft Ovid, put on by the EK Theatre company, that seeks to retell classical stories using video games. I didn’t know what to expect, but I hoped the event would prove more interesting than just watching someone play computer games for an hour.