Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Beth Sekishiro: "You don't need to be conventional to love people. Maybe you've got to give up your whole life - but that's just when you'll find it."
"I have been asked several times (and just yesterday, in fact, via e-mail), what happens to trans people who become part of the Colonial Defense Force in the Old Man’s War books. To recap, the CDF gets its soldiers by recruiting 75-year-olds from Earth and giving them new, super-awesome bodies that are based on — but not created solely out of — their own DNA. Because the creation of the bodies is only partly based on the recruit’s original genetic information, would it be possible to for transfolk to specify which gender they would like their new body to be?
Are these the weirdest song lyrics ever? Well, some of them are. I can think of worse. What is Su-Su-Studio? Or the nonsense sounds Michael Jackson would bust out with? Or most of The Lion Sleeps Tonight?
"On Monday evening over the phone, I asked this man who had shared my bed for three nights running why we had not made love. "Your body is too wrinkly," he said without a pause. "I have spoiled myself over the years with young women. I just can't get excited with you. I love your energy and your laughter. I like your head and your heart. But, I just can't deal with your body." I was stunned. The hurt would come later. I asked him slowly and carefully if he found my body hard to look at. He said yes. "So, this means seeing me naked was troublesome to you?" I asked. He told me he had just looked away. And when the lights were out, he pretended my body was younger -- that I was younger. My breath came deep and full as I processed this information. My face blazed as I felt embarrassed and shamed by memories of my easy nakedness with him in days just passed.
When I told Dave that I never wanted to see or hear from him again, he was confused and complained that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He whined that I had taken a small part of our relationship and made it a major event. I didn't even want to try to explain the hurt and the horror that he had inflicted upon me."
"This is a hot-button topic. I am doing it with some trepidation, and only after two women of my acquaintance found it interesting, and had VERY different reactions to it.
Then I talked to another woman friend, in her early 30s. She entirely disagreed with friend 1. She said the guy was monstrously insensitive, and he could and should have been honest but in a diplomatic way: "Some chemistry is missing. I'd like to work on it." Or some such. I'm mostly with her, I think. I found what he told her to be savagely cruel, and I cannot imagine ever saying anything like that, ever, to anyone. Especially someone I cared about, but anyone, really. I am in the extreme minority, in this poll. I would have chosen the option "lie." Lie to give yourself time. Once you have said even "chemistry," you are telling the woman that the issue is her body, even doing it gently. If I were in fact freaked out by the age of her body but wanted a future with her, I would have lied, then figured out a way, in my own mind, to get past my prejudice."
Most people of both sexes thought this: "He should have lied a little, been much less precise: "I didn't feel sexual chemistry" would have sufficed. Then they take it from there, if there is anywhere left to go."
Most men thought: "Basically, a cad. Some redeeming characteristics, but a man to be avoided."
most women thought: "Ick. Ick, ick, ick. Ick."
Here's some interesting answers:
"I'm a 30-year-old guy, and I think Dave's pretty gross. My perspective comes from my mom's current dating experiences. When people in her generation date, here's what you get: the other person is going to have some baggage (because life happens to you by the time you're that age), they're going to have some irritating habits they will refuse to change (because they've been doing it that way for 40 years), and they're going to look their age (because, again, life). Asking that the other person somehow change or "deal with" any of those three things is insulting, a waste of time, and a guaranteed argument. Dave's behavior would have been better not by being dishonest with his date, but by being more honest with himself about what he was getting involved with way before this came up and deciding what he was willing to accept in exchange for a relationship."
"I keep wondering what would have happened if she'd asked him, while they were in bed, instead of later on the phone what was going on. (I almost said what's (not) up, but that would have been in bad taste.) I suppose that this is part of my dislike for Dave -- I find the detailed critique over the phone cowardly -- I'm nearly 100% certain that he wouldn't have had the nerve to deliver it while naked in bed -- when he could see the effect of the pain he was causing, and when he would be vulnerable to a similar assessment."
Gene Weingarten: "Seriously, I cannot imagine uttering those words in any venue, over any medium."
"My reaction was quite different than ick ick ick. It was more red flag, red flag, red flag. On some level I appreciated him being honest so she could run away - why would she want to be with someone who didn't want her for her? If he's being this unaccepting now, why would I expect that to get better? The red flags come from a tone of control I picked up, albeit a small one... a form of I'll like you if you just do what I tell you. In my opinion, she lucked out that he was honest."
Gene Weingarten: "Many, many people have expressed this sentiment. You expressed it best."
"Men. Bleah. Well, thanks for that poll. I needed another reminder that, as a single 46 year old straight woman, the odds of my ever finding a pleasant, intelligent, kind straight male partner somewhere in my age range are doomed. I forgot from an hour ago."
Gene Weingarten: "That was the main reason I hesitated doing this poll."
"I answered with the first option of he did what he should have done, but I didn't agree with the rest of the answer. I do think he should have been honest - so she could see what she was dealing with and not waste any more time trying to please him. As stupid as his reason was, I would far rather know what was actually behind it then to keep trying to answer a vague answer like "wasn't feeling sexual chemistry." The first one leads to hurt feelings, sure, but at least then she knew not to waste any more time on him. Now she can use that time finding someone who is attracted to her as she is."
Gene Weingarten: "I hear ya. But it was just so promiscuously cruel! Here's where I'm not sure: "As stupid as his reason was..." I'm not entirely sure you can fault the guy for the condition of his lusts. I do think this is a good question to ask, though. Is there something "wrong" with Dave because he has trouble being turned on by someone his own age? As I write this, I'm thinking, maybe. What do you think?"
"As Carolyn Hax would say, why are you extrapolating this one instance into a condemnation of all the people of one gender in the world? (For the record, I'm female.)"
Gene Weingarten: "Well, because we are all human, and humans are vulnerable to despair."
"Dave doesn't want to date Robin. Dave wants to date a woman with the body of a 25-year-old and the life experience of a 59-year-old. Who obviously doesn't exist, and if she didn't exist, she certainly doesn't want to date a 55-year-old with the mind of a 15-year-old."
"Is there something "wrong" with Dave because he has trouble being turned on by someone his own age?" I don't know if I would call it wrong, but I would argue it shows a level of immaturity on his part. As you already said, he most likely is showing similar signs of aging. If he can't be attracted to a woman with those same signs, than it's a little presumptuous for him to think a younger woman should be attracted to those same signs on him. I think the only way he could be mature about it is if he realized he's being hypocritical and take himself out of the dating game altogether."
"My issue is not Dave's candor per se. I don't think he should have lied to lubricate an awkward social situation. My issue is with his obliviousness. With absolutely no self-awareness about what his own body looks like or any understanding about what life does to a woman's body (pregnancy and childbirth and nursing put a hurt on your body), he wraps his mantle of privilege around himself, sighs deeply, and explains that he just simply cannot find anything to admire about an older woman's body because he has been SPOILED by all the hot young things panting for him. Hey, I like the hot young men I see playing vampires and werewolves and spies on tv but SOMEHOW I manage to have relations with my significant other who is not exactly a stand-in for said male actors. Dave should have kept his mouth shut and followed the sage advice of my mother: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. The problem was not in fact Robin's body, it was Dave's myopic and crude perspective of women's bodies."
"I read Robin Korth's essay when it made the rounds a few weeks ago. As a 44-year-old woman, it touches on a lot of the hot button issues that women grapple with as they get older. While I understand why the author was hurt and angry, I think Dave's candor is quite to be applauded. It's not often that shallow jerks make themselves known in such a spectacular and shameless way. He saved everyone a lot of time and heartache, in my opinion. Of course the larger issue is the glorification of youth that has so distorted our sense of beauty that a man finds a woman his own age so hideous he needs to look away and pretend she is someone else. Thank goodness there are good men out there who can take aging in stride and still consider their wives to be beautiful at any age."
Gene Weingarten: "Several people are making your first point, that Dave's main achievement was identifying what a shallow a-hole he is. I would add that, conversely, he is ALSO demonstrating that to him sexual compatibility isn't everything. It's interesting, no?" "But what really bothers me about Dave is that it's pretty obvious that he would not have been attracted to any 59-year-old woman. if that's the case, why did he even try? And I guess (as someone midway between 55 and 59) I am offended on my own behalf. So yeah, Ick."
"I didn't like the options for question 4. I was OK with Dave being honest, but I didn't like the rest of the explanation of his honesty (asking her to meet him halfway). Therefore, I chose option 2. I thought it was interesting that Robin didn't even try to describe Dave, except to provide his age. Unless this guy is Tom Selleck, it seems hard to believe he doesn't have his own wrinkles, flabby skin, ear hair, etc. (and even Tom Selleck probably has that stuff!). If he wasn't a perfect specimen, why expect it of his female companion? And, even young women have flaws, just not the ones that bother Dave, apparently. I thought he was a total tool."
"There might be something wrong with Dave for not being turned on by women his own age, but there is DEFINITELY something wrong with him that he thinks the solution is for the woman to undertake a series of demeaning, self-negating steps to make herself palatable for him."
As for me: dudes, this is the equivalent of stabbing a woman in the heart. She won't forget this and she'll never forgive you for it. It is hard to get MORE personally insulting to a woman than this. Saying this will make her hate you forever. Why? Because she can't do a damn thing about it (not really, despite this guy's "helpful suggestions"), and it damns her as forever unlovable because she didn't die young. This is not fair to anyone. Especially when it comes from a dude who is probably not looking perfect himself. Maybe Tom Cruise can get away with saying this because he still looks perfect at 50, but he has money and trainers and the rest of us do not. Dave here probably has a pot belly and some wrinkles himself. But he's a man, so that's perfectly okay because he can still and always get 20-year-old tail. Or so he seems to be indicating, anyway. It's okay for a man to age, but women should probably all die at 30, except then nobody would raise the babies and make the dinners.
I hate being a woman. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Continued from here because I woke up really goddamned early for no reason today.
Scott Tenorman Must Die
Terrance and Phillip: Behind The Blow
Time for a Scouts meeting. Kyle's not there (at the Jew Scouts instead?).
IT'S BIG GAY AL! Troop 69!
Oh my god, Timmy's not the only handicapped person in Scouts!
The dads go to the bar and debate whether or not it's okay for a gay guy to camp out with kids.
The priest says he's an ex-gay man--yeah, I see how well that goes.
Jimmy (the other handicapped kid) does motivational stand-up comedy.
After Stan imitates Big Gay Al...."you do not call him a big silly goose. You call him an asshole like a normal kid!"
Jimmy's stand up act sure does help raise money for the bake sale. He also imitates Cartman very well. "I don't sound like that."
He then imitates Mackey, Garrison, Chef, and Timmy. "Learn a new word." Timmy loses it.
Oh no, poor Big Gay Al.
Timmy got Jimmy a present. It's...KENNY'S ORANGE PARKA. Timmy, you have more brains than I thought. Jimmy starts having a lot of near-death experiences.
The new Scout master has a lot of medals and thinks it's still the military. HE WANTS TO TAKE NAKED PICTURES. He also has a puppet. He beats his own hand with a hammer to threaten the kids to not tell their parents.
The kids come over to Big Gay Al's and demand his return.
Butters acts out beating up his own hand in lieu of explaining.
What do we want? Gays in Scouts! When do we want it? Timmy!
The entire town drops everything to go see this.
This is not nearly as fun as you'd think. It's not really a fair fight because Jimmy has crutches and is kicking Timmy's ass with them most of the time. Kinda sad, really.
"I never knew Mountain Scouts was a hate group."
"They're actually pulling it off."
Spielberg cuts off his funding to the Scouts. Gloria Allred takes this case on personally.
"Mr. Slippyfist" (the second Scout leader) was caught by the FBI and his collection of nudie pics is show on the news.
The Supreme Court allows gays in because straight people molest too.
Kenny is taken off by an eagle.
Big Gay Al...doesn't want back in the Scouts. But he doesn't want to be forced back in if he's not wanted. Oh man. Feh.
Jimmy and Timmy are best friends now?! I doubt it.
Cut to Timmy Photoshopping.
"Everything is going to be just fine. No naked pictures." Timmy has photoshopped Jimmy.... He is thrown out. Timmy!
No, seriously, what happened to Kyle in this episode?
Scott Tenorman Must Die.
So I gather this is quite an infamous episode of South Park in which Cartman gets violent? Uh, how's that different from the rest of the show? Just wondering.
Cartman got pubes. From Scott Tenorman. For $10.
"Cartman, you are so goddamn stupid it's unbelievable." "Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself."
"I'm gonna get that son of a bitch."
Cartman goes to return the pubes. It doesn't work. (Note: also, the color is off.)
"You glued my pubes to your face." Cartman imitates a lawyer.
Scott manipulates everything to his advantage.
Cartman vs. Scott, part three. This is just embarrassing.
Cartman vs. Scott, part four. Cartman claims he needs sixteen dollars or his grandma will be put down. Scott makes him beg for it and sing the piggy song. Then he sets the money on fire. "Now you can't bug me for your dumb money."
Cartman wants to train a pony to bite off Scott's weiner.
Why should anyone else care about this situation? Nobody does.
"Eric! Are you training that pony to please you?" "No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's penis off."
"Well, son, I think you've got a pretty stupid plan there." Jimbo trains Cartman in thinking like a hunter: find a weakness and exploit it.
The hunters stalk Scott in the darkness.
"Aw, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned."
"Mrs. Tenormen's letting the twins out!"
That was a lot of people in the bushes.
Everyone watches an interview with Radiohead in public, which has a dubbed voice of Cartman saying that the band hates Scott. Really? Meanwhile, Scott videotaped the piggy song.
Kenny dies laughing.
Cartman has another plan, which is a combination of his previous two terrible plans. I hate you, Cartman.
"I am a young, supple boy from South Park, Colorado." Cartman has been hanging out with too many child molesters.
Radiohead is told that Scott is dying of ass cancer.
Stan calls Scott and tells him about the pony weiner plot. "Why are you telling me this? You're his friends." "We hate him."
Scott persuades his parents to go rescue the pony.
Scott makes pube chili.
Chili Con Carnival.
"I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh?"
Continued from here. Okay, this was not a good watching day for me (I speak from the past time of 7/30 when I started writing this) because one of these episodes literally made me vomit. FUN TIMEZ. So if you want to know more about what gross things Kenny was up to in "Fat Camp," go read this summary.
The Wacky Molestation Adventure
A Very Crappy Christmas
End of season four.
It Hits The Fan
GEE, GUESS WHO'S GOING TO THIS ONE.
Dissection day! Aren't manatees endangered? "Hey, ours is still alive!" Not any more.
Cartman is home watching Terrence and Phillip. You wanna know what's going to happen? FARTING. Shocker.
"That totally surprised me!" How does this show stay fresh?
Cartman's having an intervention. "Your friends and I...." These are all adults, not Cartman's friends.
EVEN CARTMAN'S MOM THINKS HE'S FAT NOW.
There's been a mixup: the manatees were to go to an aquarium and the frogs were supposed to go here....
Kenny is dared to eat part of a manatee. "Now we're going to put them back together."
Oh gross, it's a fat monster. Looks too much like that Trapper Keeper episode.
"That manatee spleen made him sick."
I am not even gonna rep--OKAY, I JUST LITERALLY THREW UP WATCHING THAT PART OMG. I am just gonna have to fast forward through some of this show.
The ice cream truck is a camper's trap.
Cartman is back from fat camp--and he looks like everyone else. WHO IS THIS?
Cartman is now on Jesus and Pals. Kenny is about to eat dog crap for money--I AM FAST FORWARDING.
Chef and James Taylor are singing about paying prostitutes. Because all women trade something for sex. I'M....gonna glare like the principal and that Fruits Are Fun girl. I know this is not a feminist show whatsoever and it's for men with the minds of 8-year-old boys and whatnot and that's exactly what they said on the tin and I knew what I was getting into, but....HOO BOY, DUDES.
Cartman rides back to fat camp and...has smuggled back food for Actual Cartman. Damn right, it's a fake Cartman. From drug rehab next door.
FAST FORWARD FAST FORWARD STILL TRYING TO GET THE TASTE OF VOMIT OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW WITH AN OTTER POP NO MORE.
Some poor fat kid wants to lose weight but can't stop himself. Cartman offers him candy because Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you and loves you the way you are.
FAST FORWARD FAST FORWARD
Some fat kid's fat parents are chewing out the camp counselors.
Ms. Crabtree's legs are spread FAST FORWARD FAST FORWARD I DON'T WANT TO KNOOOOOOOOW
FAST FORWARD FAST FORWARD
Okay, maybe the kids might actually bother to lose weight. This sounds like every book I read about fat camp as a kid. Cartman is finally on board with this idea and is kicked out of fat camp.
FAST FORWARD NOT LOOKING "He gave his life for our amusement."
Well, that was my least favorite episode ever.
The Wacky Molestation Adventure:
Cartman has tickets for "The Raging Pussies." What, pray tell, IS this? Kyle's parents won't let him go, of course.
Dummy, you don't ASK, you just tell everyone you're sleeping over at someone else's house. Except Kenny because his parents don't care.
Kyle's parents will let him go if he does his chores and brings democracy to Cuba. Kyle writes a letter. He draws himself with a sad crying face. IT WORKED!
His parents STILL won't let him go. Jerks.
Cartman tells Kenny that the best way to get rid of parents is to call them child molesters and call the police. That's how he got rid of one of his mom's boyfriends.
What's a bad touch? "Something about a swimsuit, I don't remember."
Cops, cameras, media. NO PARENTS AT HOME!
Time to imitate Tom Cruise again, jump on the couch, see the band, moon the band, throw a party....Kyle is not wearing anything but his underwear. We should all report our parents for molestation! And Shelly too! And Chef who was screwing Ms. Cartman! And the teacher, and the principal, and like, everybody....Reminds me of the lawsuits.
ALL OF THE PARENTS ARE GONE. ALL OF THEM. The adults that hadn't been arrested moved away for fear of being arrested. "The whole town. It's ours."
Two random lost adults have their car die around South Park. It's been renamed Smiley Town.
OH THAT'S NOT GONNA GO WELL.
Butters is a mechanic? He guesses. There really isn't any help for you here...The phone is in Treasure Cove, which is scary....it's over the white line, and you don't really want to cross over that line. Let me guess, Cartman rules the apocalypse city? Yup.
A spooky robot car is being used to spy on people and shoot lemon juice in your eyes. There are kids armed and waiting. And they want to play with YOUUUUUUUUU.
Crossing the white line saves you!
Treasure Cove is full of kindergarteners. Craig has been ordered to take you to see Cartman the mayor. Of Smiley Town? Who woulda thunk?
"Parents? Oh, you mean the birth givers. They're not around."
No phones? How do you communicate? Cartman talks into a jar, apparently. The car will be about three days.
"You two seem to have the uncanny ability to cross the white line."
Mark doesn't want to have kids. Linda thinks he'd make a great dad. Bitch, don't bingo.
Kenny's already dead again and nasty. Here come the tribal kindergarteners.
Stan and Kyle rescue the tied-up Mark and Linda, who are all, "we're the only ones with a working phone." In the before time, a long time ago.... we made the birth givers go away by using the M word.... I'm still not sure what the Provider is or what the book has to do with anything.
"Hi, honey, how has prison gone for you?" Everyone is at prison rehabilitation.
Here is a picture of a child. Try not to think about molesting it.
Butters has totally trashed the car. Mark is gone. SEIZE HER! Oh, wait, Mark got the book. Now Team Cartman is attacking. "We have your woman! She still lives, Outlander!"
"What are some other things we can do besides molest our children?" See a movie? Knit a sweater? Molest children? No, not that one.
I still don't get what Carousel is.
Oh, the Provider is a football statue? Butters will be sacrificed to the Provider.
Mark finally figures it out and tells the kids who really takes care of them.
It's only been TEN DAYS since the parents were gone?!
"Hey, looks like you're not so bad with kids after all!" Maybe we should have some? Hell no, after this I'm getting my tubes tied tomorrow.
"Well, they can't be too pissed off. We made them a banner."
Mark and Linda came back to announce that she got her tubes tied and he got his dream job as a Denny's manager.
All the parents happily reunite with their kids. "We're all better now!"
A Very Crappy Christmas:
Oh joy, another year, another Mr. Hankey episode. More poop for all.
Hanukkah decorations and cookies and milk siting by the toilet. Kyle is waiting up with a sign. Ike has to go but Kyle won't let him.
Mr. Hankey never shows. A bug ate the cookies. Kyle calls everyone in the middle of the night to meet him at the bus stop.
"I don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay?"
Back to the sewers again. Nice Christmas village down there.
Mr. Hankey is now married with kids. Meet the nuggets: Little Cornwallis, Amber, and Simon. Simon kinda looks like Butters. He's not so smart.
Mr. Hankey's wife is a drunk stripper. Screaming and breakage occurs.
Both sets of kids are singing outside, but nobody cares. Other than "don't step in the poo on the sidewalk."
Nobody's got Christmas spirit and everyone is sick of it. Cut to Charlie Brown--"how come everyone in cartoons has such big heads?"
Kyle gets the idea to make their own animated Christmas special. How hard can it be? Look at it.
"Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you." Please give us $300 for the dumbest idea ever. Okay, sure.
Fighting is still going on at Christmas Poo Village.
No one needs a cut out Butters.
"Would you like to slap my titties around?" "No thanks, I'll get in trouble again."--Butters plays with Barbie.
Mr. Hankey would like Mrs. Hankey to stop talking about his lack of erections.
There's no poo in the nativity scene! (Hey, how do you know, they probably just cleaned it up for the general public.)
"I am nothing but crap." "But crap is everything."
It's the cycle of life, poo, man.
"That's not in the script. They do this all the time."
The Hankeys show up, and his wife wants to strip again.
"Everyone can tell they're made of silicorn."
"That took us half an hour to set up, fatass!"
Kyle sings about miracles.
"It's okay, we'll just kill his character off in the film." Kenny doesn't even live through this Christmas.
The Spirit of Christmas: yup, this is what kicked off the whle show. And then the film....disintegrates.
"I used to believe in miracles." Also, the mayor wants her money back.
"You're the smartest piece of crap since Albert Poodinger!"
The projector is working again, and everyone runs out to watch the original video.
"What's that? They got your father's penis working again?"
"Christmas is about presents!" "Commercialism is what makes everything work!"
Everyone wants to be a Jew for 8 days of presents.
It Hits The Fan:
So this episode is going to count how many times you say "shit" in it. SHIT. ON TELEVISION.
Everyone would rather watch the word "shit" being said on Cop Drama than The Lion King Musical. Priorities, man.
Kyle didn't go.
Chef sleeps with the principal.
They haven't quite said it yet, have they?
"Mitchell? You've got some shit on the side of your mouth." CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY SAID IT.
"It's the same old world out there, look." Frogs rain.
This suddenly gives the entire world permission to say they don't give a shit.
Mrs. C defines how one can say that something is shitty, but not talk about actual shit. This should be awkward during Mr. Hankey season.
TIMMY LEARNED A THIRD WORD.
Saying "shit on a shingle" is just fine.
Mr. Garrison has the same conversation with the kindergarteners.
Gays are allowed to say the f-word. (the one that rhymes with rag--since I'm not, I can't say it)
The shit count rises to 64. Suddenly the frozen warriors of Valhalla (or something) defrost and recharge.
Mr. Garrison uses his f-bomb privileges. This doesn't sound like a good idea.
It's no longer fun to say shit any more.
Kyle now thinks that people saying shit is leading to people dying. It originated with the Black Death.
A warrior emerges.
Now we're going to say shit on television...twice!
The Black Death is Latoya Jackson?
Everyone reads the dictionary.
"They're going to say shit seven times on HBC-" dude throws up and dies. The warrior watches through the window. Time to fly to Hollywood.
100 shits have been said.
Kenny has the plague, of course.
Just as all of the sitcoms will say it live on the air, Chef shows up. Some dude hands out a bunch of free turtles and shirts and hats. That doesn't go well.
Here comes the warrior. Shit count; 109.
The warrior breaks into the boardroom with The Runestone of Undoing! "Oh, no, you guys didn't hire me a stripper for my birthday..."
The stone doesn't work and the guy beheads someone and jumps out the window and dies.
On to Vegas! Excalibur! "We need some help examining an old English stone." Not every British person knows about that shit...
No, the fool guy actually does know.
Must Shit TV!
It's The Drew Carey Show.
Nobody knew "curse word" was LITERAL.
The Knights of Standards and Practices: I thought they were just a myth.
"That word's getting kind of old. It's not really funny any more."
The bar patrons test their f-bomb beeping privileges. Apparently Jimbo is also gay. "You wanna make out or something?"
Drew and Mimi get beheaded.
The knights command you to stop saying the curse word. The count goes up to .... over 150. At 159, the earthquake starts. The dragon emerges from the earth. EVERYONE DIES FLAMEY DEATH.
Kyle breaks out the stone and vanquishes the dragon. "Swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems."
EVEN CARTMAN THINKS YOU NEED TO WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE. S-count is as 162, for the record.
"Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to." "And Kenny didn't die--" Yeah, right.
Psst: I am secretly watching ahead a couple of episodes after this so I'll have a blog post for tomorrow. I expect to be pretty occupied/have my mother over in the next few days, so this may go by the wayside for a bit. I don't think I'll mind, as you'll see in the entry I'm posting for tomorrow. This is getting to be a bit much when you watch like four or more in a row.
Helen Keller! The Musical
OMG NEW CREDITS!!!!!
It's the first day of fourth grade. Time to be picked on by fifth graders. "We gotta find some third graders to beat up on."
New teacher: we gotta establish ourselves. Do we show our asses or our weiners? Give her a nice fruit bowl?
New teacher: Ms. Choksondik. Oh lord. Cartman moons the room alone.
The kids are having a general meltdown. Cartman sings a song.
We gotta go back in time! People do it on TV all the time. Let's ask the nerd neighbors in the basement.
Ms. Choksondik doesn't wear a bra. It's really not as nice and you'd imagine. She's' all, " did you know someone in class is handicapped?" and the principal is all, "which one?"
Whatever happened to Mr. Garibaldi Garrison? No one's seen him since the end of the last school year.
The nerds are gonna use Timmy's chair to make a wormhole or something.
"Molecular grenadine activated." There goes Timmy and no one else.
Timmy is now living the plot of Speed.
The principal bought a bra. "Too forward?"
Mr. G's first novel sold well , until it won the gay Nobel Prize. Then he went into the mountains to be a crazy hermit in denial. No one really wanted to look for him, though.
"This has never happened in the original Star Trek episodes." Slap fighting ensues.
They're sending Kenny in. He misses. He dies. "Well, who didn't see that coming?" They don't even "You bastards" any more.
The wormhole works!
Mrs. C finds Mr. G. Who has gone feral.
Her last name freaks him out.
He wants $200.
The nerds got in a fight over the number of Star Trek episodes and won't make another time machine.
Timmy speeds away from a triceratops.
Mr. G senseis his pupil Karate Kid-style. And with cussing. "When a child says suck my balls, say "present them."
But if you go back in time, you can check the number of Star Trek episodes.
Mrs. C goes in a tree Yoda-style. Mr. G follows her in and must face his gay side at last.
"I was just comparing size!" "For seven minutes?"
"I was beating off to the chicks!" "There were no chicks!"
Mr. G comes out of the closet.
The new time machine is out of a microwave and a duck.
"You can suck my balls" "Present them." Whip them out and I'll suck 'em. "Touche, teacher, touche."
She talks them into how life is an adventure and only gets better as you go on.
Timmy's back...and can't tell us shit about his time travel. I hate you, Timmy.
"I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!" Everyone is all, well, FINALLY.
They won't hire a gay teacher, though. Hahahahaha!
New credits remain!
Ike is starting kindergarten at 3. Because he's a pooping pants genius.
Half of the boys have Dawson's Creek Trapper Keepers. Cartman calls Kyle's a Crapper Keeper.
Oh no, there's a hella old homeless guy on the bus and he's looking for Cartman and his TK. That's creepily suspicious.
Kindergarten! Even in kindergarten you get beaten up. I totally had this happen to me, minus the "genius" bit.
OMG MR. GARRISON IS ALLOWED TO TEACH KINDERGARTEN?! That's not a demotion!
Who grades on a curve in kindergarten?
Seriously, the creepy homeless guy ("Bill Cosby") is in fourth grade. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Don't let him touch it!
Mr. Garrison, did you tell them the molestation story? Of COURSE you did.
Ike wisely declines a nomination for class president, but gets forced to do it anyway. Great speech, Ike!
"I'm not supposed to have male friends over 30. Kinda got screwed on that one."
"If you want my friendship you have to pay me."
And he stole the spiked Trapper Keeper. "Dammit, I thought fourth grade was going to be different."
The tie-winning vote refuses to cast a vote. "We're gonna be here all night. Why don't you just concede?"
Did they have iPad trackers in 2000? Cartman has one, somehow.
Barbrady runs the dude over. And yes, he just lost a robot arm.
The Trapper Keeper must be destroyed, because this 2034 cyborg has come to kill it. Three years from now it becomes an omnipotent superbeing that destroys everything. SINGULARITY! TERMINATOR!
Cartman....shockingly gives it up. GO FIGURE.
Flora (the tie winning vote) votes for Ike. Recount!
116 recounts later, Ike still won. But what about the absent kid?!
After destroying the Trapper Keeper, why is the robot still here? Because Cartman got his mom to buy him a new one.
"For the sake of humanity, I have to kill him." "Okay." Can Stan kill him? Please?
Oh no, the robot is feeling compassion. Make it stop, please.
The absent kid is hauled in from the hospital to vote. "Don't forget to pick up your lungs." There's another tie. "Oh Jesus tap-dancing Christ."
Now another kid claims people didn't know who they were voting for.
Fillmore has a famous aunt, Rosie O'Donnell. She's coming here. Oh no.
"I don't want to wait for my Trapper Keeper to be over...." The TK starts merging with all of Cartman's crap in the room.
Ms. Cartman talks with the robot and gets the whole thing. She also sounds quite interested in Bill. Uh-oh, here we go again.
"Trapper Keeper ready for hybrid." "Sweet, what's it going to hybrid with now?" TAKE A WILD GUESS.
OH, that's DISGUSTING. And it killed Kenny! You bastard!
Ms. Cartman is still boffing the robot, not noticing the destruction of her house.
"There's some huge vulvan monstrosity heading for the classroom!" It was Rosie O'Donnell.
"That is the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen."
Now that Kenny's dead, he loses the "not it" and has to climb into the thing to fish Cartman out. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that."
Mr. Garrison chews out Rosie, who plans to send the press in.
Rosie O' Donnell Vs. The Mountain. People can't tell them apart. It eats her.
Cartman + Rosie is not gonna go well. "Bad pie...bad pie...." Kyle somehow breaks it and everyone spits out.
Jesse Jackson shows up complaining about the black students. He leaves when there aren't any.
Fillmore hits his limit and concedes. Everyone else wants to fingerpaint. Ike pooped his pants.
The robot stopped existing. I guess everything's fine now. Cartman owes Kyle a thank you. It doesn't happen. Of course.
Helen Keller! The Musical:
Yup, they're doing that. Kyle is the doctor, Stan and Wendy are the parents, Timmy is Helen Keller, Bebe is Anne Sullivan. "Dammit, Timmy, Helen Keller's not supposed to talk!" They're competing against the kindergartens. Butters thinks it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!
It's a rule: the fourth graders always have to do Helen Keller, but can't we make it more Thanksgiving-y? Ain't no rule that she can't have a pet turkey.
Timmy picks a messed-up turkey. How does Kyle have fifty bucks?
An expert on musicals has been brought in, along with the Charlie Brown turkey. He was in Les Mis for five weeks and sings his dialogue.
"And where, pray, is our beautiful trick-doing turkey?"
The singing guy knows of a trick turkey.
Timmy tries to train the turkey. Hey, it went through the hoop! Now let's light it on fire! Timmy seems to know one more word, which sorta sounds like "Garbage." (????)
The musical begins! "We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama because there's no crime!"
The animal trainer arrives. "She performs feats, not tricks." Timmy brings his in. "That's Gobbles, the physically challenged turkey." Oh, I THINK he's trying to say Gobbles.
"Okay, Helen Keller can have two pet turkeys." "My turkey does not work with other turkeys!" "Goddammit."
"She's very upset, she pooped all over the room."
"Kill the other turkey." "I can't, Timmy has a boner for it." It could have an accident....
Of course, the light lands on Kenny just as I was thinking, "Why didn't you just give the turkey to Kenny?" The musical guy sings an ode to him.
How do the kindergartners have special effects? Did Ike the Genius do that?
The turkey trainer tells Timmy his turkey will be taken away from him and tortured and flayed alive--but you need to let him go back into the wild!
Theater guy suggests Cartman get over his writer's block by playing blind himself. This makes him think of a bunch of gross shit. I'm not looking at the screen any more.
Did you see anything? "Just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes."
Poor Timmy. He lets Gobbles go.
Now everyone starts sobbing and being sad for...some reason....
Stan and Kyle's dads are in the back with cameras, offering to uh, "swap tapes."
"Okay, maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey killed with a light. I didn't do anything else. I'm not an asshole."
Gobbles is rescued...? by a turkey salesman. But at least he'll be killed humanely!
The principal is really sick of The Miracle Worker. She should enjoy the musical!
Gas chambers for turkes! While they watch a nice video. Oh, wait, no, they just have all of their heads chopped off. Except Gobbles, who can't lift his head. He gets away and then gets chased by Jimbo and company.
Here comes the star turkey, flying through a hoop.
Timmy realized he's been tricked. "All's fair in love and theater, right?" GOBBLES!
The musical guy can understudy Helen Keller.
Here, turkey, turkey...
"I cannot hear what they are saying, I cannot tell them what I feel...."
Timmy jumps out of his chair to save Gobbles and... gets shot? The other hunters sneak away. Ah, it was just a flesh wound.
The fountains are all over the stage. "The dumb kid really did it!"
Timmy returns with Gobbles and a glare. And hunters for a turkey shoot! Right before the finale! Meanwhile, Gobbles heads for the ring of fire and makes it through. The principal loves it.
Okay, I'm liking Timmy better. He learned another word and got a personality and did some things.
The kindergarten play...isn't a spectacular extravaganza as Butters claimed.
"We worked our asses off to compete with that?" Butters is easily impressed.
Oh goody, an episode about Pip. Whee.
New credits: South Park Classics, with Malcolm McDowell talking about Dickens.
"Hello. I'm a British person." Pip has been prominently featured in this show, but he's the kid from Great Expectations. Tonight, the creators will be putting on that story instead.
"You'll know the timeless classic as if you read the Cliff Notes themselves."
"Sister is taking good care of me. She always likes to hit me in the face. We have so much fun together."
"Hello. You look like an escaped convict. Did you breaky-wakies out of prison?" Here, let me take off your handcuffs and give you a sammitch.
"Why don't you get a job? You're 8 years old now."
We could have a worst-off: Shelly vs. Pip's fictional sister.
They find Pip a job hanging out with Miss Havisham's niece.
"This way, you pathetic strip of vaginal discharge." Charming.
Here comes the bride.
"We are going to play a game called Smack The Blonde Boy In The Head With A Log." "Oh, yes, my sister and I play that all the time at home!"
Even Estrella doesn't know what to make of THAT.
"Stop dreaming about me, you slow-witted rectal belch."
It's all an evil scheme to break Pip's heart. Who cares?
Girls are those things with vaginas in them.
Pip gets a secret scholarship.
Pip meets his new roommate, Mr. Pocket, i.e. Estrella's other playmate.
"Oh, what a gay time we shall have!" As in festive, not as in involving bums.
"A dinner napkin should never be put into the tumbler."
"One should never pass gas at the dinner table."
Don't check your weewee for scabs at the dinner table, either.
"I am the happiest boy in the land!" Good luck with that.
The King of England, Tony Blair.
"I have a heard to be shot or stabbed in, no doubt..."
Estella has some old punkass boyfriend who's 17 and has a car.
Pip is brokenhearted. "Tell me about the pain!"
Um, robot monkeys? I think I missed that in the Cliff's Notes.
The escaped convict comes to help! And now he's super rich and paid for Pip's scholarship!
Let's go kick Miss Havisham's ass! Suddenly this plot gets better.
All of Estella's boyfriends are hanging upside down by the fire. And Miss Havisham wants to fuse with Estella (reminds me of All of Me) and there's more robot monkeys.
Think about panda bears! What silly little noses they have!
Look at this adorable little bunny! Estella breaks its neck. DON'T GIVE HER ANOTHER BUNNY YOU MORON.
"My father died in a stamp collecting accident."
26 bunnies later, Estella is slightly bored of killing bunnies. She leaves the machine, frying Miss Havisham.
"Yes, yes, my small testicled love."
"And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Pocket, who died of hepatitis B."
Okay, so that is a vast improvement on Dickens! I approve!
Continued from here. I ended up having to do 5 episodes because the fourth ended on a 2-parter.
Cherokee Hair Tampons
Chef Goes Nanners
Something You Can Do With Your Finger
Do The Handicapped Go To Hell?
Cherokee Hair Tampons:
Substitute teacher! He looks like Al Gore.
"It's not that funny, guys, Jesus." Seconded, Wendy.
Today's activity is decorating a get well card for Kyle. Or just decorating Butters.
Mr. Garrison is being forced to take an indefinite hiatus. "Do you know that none of your students know who Sam Adams was?" Well,who cares about a guy who makes beer? I'm trying to teach history!" Okay, who actually knows who that is? They did not cover that when I went to school either.
Actually, what they're really concerned with is his police record. "Oh, whatEVER," says Mr. G. You know, like last week's NAMBLA thing.
"I guess you'll be wanting my badge and gun." "Most teachers don't HAVE a gun. "Oh, so I can keep it, then?"
Butters is a singing greeting card. Not a dirty one, oddly enough.
Kyle is genuinely sick and probably needs kidney surgery, but his mom is afraid of that, so let's go see Miss Information at the holistic store.
Mr. Garrison, what do you love besides teaching? "Poontang." So write a romance novel, then.
Native Americans know how to heal the body spiritually.
Mr. Garrison has nothing to say about nipples. He sure does like to describe dick though.
Miss Information thinks Kyle is better. He pukes.
Blah blah blah toxins. CALL A DOCTOR, YOU IDIOTS.
Stan goes to the doctor and is told he needs a kidney transplant. There's only one person who can donate--Cartman. Oh shit.
Ms. Cartman thinks Kyle has AIDS.
Cartman sings his no.
I'd love to hear Kenny's response to "don't you care if one of your friends is going to die." Because nobody cares if it's me....
All natural cellphone!
Two hippies...er, Native Americans ... say they can give Kyle a "brain enema or something."
Of course the doctor wants a transplant so he can make money. That'll be $233.
Again, what is Kenny thinking about this?
Now Mr. G is trying to write a lesbian sex scene. About penises.
"Oh, Mr. Hat!"
Oh my, Stan wants to take Cartman's kidney.
OH HEY IT'S A PERIOD COMMERCIAL! Cherokee hair! Your vadge is not that big.They also make nice dog toys after you're done using them.
"TIMMY!" Sheesh! "timmy!" The pig wakes up. Cartman slaps it and goes back to sleep, dreaming of hippies. "They want to save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad."
Kidney Blocker 2000?!
Harequin Romance doesn't know what to -do with Mr. G--he wrote penis "6,083 times." This is really gay.
"Women want to read about dingdongs!" They just skim until they get to penis parts.
That does it, Kenny says! Then he has a piano dropped on him. Stan doesn't fucking notice.
Even the hippies say Kyle should go to a doctor. Also, Carlos is Mexican. "Kill her!"
So how did they take Cartman's kidney in his sleep? Stan hands it back. Cartman stomps into the doctor's office to demand it be put back in. If you'll just sign this release....
Kyle is better. It was all a trick! Mr. Garrison wrote "Valley of the Penises!"
Chef Goes Nanners:
So, the South Park flag is racist. It features a black man being hanged. Chef is getting nowhere with protesting it.
Debate club boils down to "issues vs. Cartman." Guess who wins... Or quits.
Jimbo is a fan of history. Next thing you know, the Denver Broncos will be offensive to horses.
Nobody supports Chef.
In the classroom, the vote goes 50/50. Wait, Eric wants to lead the "Flag is racist" team? Poor Wendy.
Chef has converted to Islam. Chef is pissed that Stan and Kyle don't get what the problem is. He quits.
Cartman doesn't really do research so much as he does attack.
Everyone on TV thinks it is both racist and history.
The KKK arrives. We don't want your support! Mr. Hat is a racist bastard.
There's a new flag! The dead guy has a happy face! What, that's not better?
Let's make the kids vote!
Kenny ate a lot of antacids and dies. No one even cares about saying "you bastards" any more.
Everyone on TV thinks the KKK are racist and should have free speech.
Jimbo and Ned want to stop the KKK.
Cartman had a deep thought about Nazis. Oh no, Wendy is starting to like Cartman.
At the Klan rally, Ned's fake larynx is not quiet. There is a cake raffle.
Wendy dreams of Cartman naked and rolling in a field with her. EW. There is also a horse.
JImbo and Ned dress up in outfits and preach to switch sides because nobody wants to vote with the KKK. Now let's peek under our robes!
Chef spots Jimbo and Ned in their robes and is mad. "I'm starting to think history ain't worth defending sometimes." Too right, Jimbo.
Bebe did not want to know that Wendy is attracted to Cartman. She tells her to kiss him and get it over with.
Wendy chokes at the debate. She kisses Cartman. Then she starts over. Kyle's argument is that everyone kills. The kids don't get it. Chef finally realizes the kids didn't think of it that way. They didn't even separate black and white. Chef find this kind of sweet. He and Jimbo agree to revise the flag.
The new flag has...a rainbow of people hanging a black guy. And one of the hangers is black so it's not racist!
Wendy is over it. Cartman is sad.
Something You Can Do With Your Finger:
I'M AFRAID TO ASK. Fingerbang! It's a band!
(Because clearly, the network wouldn't let them call this episode Fingerbang.)
It's...the boys in white rapper outfits. I want an mp3 of this.
"Cartman, I want you!"
It's just a dream.
Or a sign from God to start a boy band.
Lack of musical talent doesn't stop boy bands!
You are, however, supposed to have five members. Auditions tomorrow.
Randy haaaates boy band and forbids it. Randy Sparkles?
Butters auditions with "Little Bunny Foo Foo." I would too.
Look, Schroeder is playing piano!
Ike has sheet music. For Itsy Bitsy Spider. And Danny Boy, and the alphabet?! Not sure on that last one.
Everyone but Cartman loves it. Cartman is all, she's a girl, look at her boobs, and the rest are all, who's going to notice?
Cartman's mom made costumes.
Cartman isn't quite right on what fingerbang means (he heard it on TV). Kenny explains. Cartman doesn't get why anyone would do that.
Cartman is maced by a mall cop.
Cartman offers a free car to distract the mall cops and get in to see the manager.
How do 8-year-olds know about Tiffany?
The performance is not the one in Cartman's dreams.
"What's up Dad's ass?"
Chef is busy, man.
Chef explains that girls screaming starts everything. "And a cucumber in the pants never hurt, either."
Chef bribes the girls in school to scream in a video. Plus he's got a cucumber.
Um, all of the girls are into Matt Lauer?!
Randy hauls Stan home. He would seriously rather Stan take up marijuana than be in a boy band.
Cartman distracts the mall cops, round 2.
Timmy sucks at camera.
The mall manager caves in for 20 minutes.
Oh hey, it's Mom's dominatrix video they taped over. Now we know what she does for work.
What is your drama, Randy? He was in a choir....and got invited to join a boy band. He dropped out of everything to join up. "Ghetto Avenue Boys." Then they got replaced by the Avenue Ghetto Street Band and lost everything.
"And then we'll go buy you a small toy so you can forget all about this." Randy relents and lets Stan show up.
Kenny gets killed by an elevator. We were so close!
Randy is subbed in at the last minute. I love this song.
Did John Pike travel back in time, become a cartoon, and become a pepper-spraying mall cop? Just wondering.
The boys decide to pass up fame.
"Aw, screw God, I"m not scared of him, he's a pussy... You know I"m just kidding, right?"
Do The Handicapped Go To Hell?
Church. That's an interesting choice of hymn.
Time for a hell lecture. Wheer's Satan and Saddam and Hitler?
Here they are, having a luau.
Saddam is moving in? I guess you can't kill someone in hell. "Where was I going to go, Detroit?"
Satan dumped Saddam for Chris, whoever that is.
Sunday school: "Jesus was made of crackers?"
Ah, yes, this is one of those reasons why I hate Catholicism. It makes no sense.
Oh, Chris. You are too nice for hell. "I can be a pretty rough tumbler myself. Oh, butternuts." How did you end up here? Oh, wait, never mind, we're talking about Catholicism.
The boys make a list of their sins. Minus a surprised Kyle. Who is already going to hell. "I'm going to go ask my mom." Uh-oh.
Is Timmy going to go to hell if he can't confess his sins?
Satan waffles to his imp version of Kenny.
Chris invited Saddam over for dinner. "Satan, we're not in junior high school any more."
Cartman starts at age 2.5 Stan asks a nun what happens to handicapped people. She says she'll find a priest.
Cartman continues on...confessing about the horrible thing he did to the priest he's confessing to's sandwich. And ...it goes on. And on. I think a thrashing ensues.
Dinner with Saddam. He brought a potato! It's a bomb! "I must have overcooked it."
Ike reads Steinbeck?
Kyle asks if he's going to go to hell. Jews don't believe in hell. So who's wrong?
Kyle freaks out and drags Ike off to church.
Oh Chris, you poor hippie.
The priest is still a jackhole to small children. "As a Jew, you will burn in the lake of fire."
Step 1: baptize everyone by squirting them with a garden hose. Or a Wacky Water Weasel.
Saddam silps Satan his room key.
The nun calls the Vatican. The Pope is not up to a phone conversation.
If we die right now, we'll burn in hell... so there goes Kenny. (Again.)
Chris tries to be a bad boy in bed. Oh god, no. Then he says the wrong name in bed.
The priest is screwing someone in confessional.Class-ay. "Mrs. Thompson is the temptress from hell!"
Who's going to save us from hell? Not this guy. I guess we'll just have to save ourselves.
Kids against Hell. To Be Continued...
Previously on South Park: Fonzie jumped the shark. And was eaten.
Cartman is now an annoying street preacher. "It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie."
Kenny is still dead in this episode. When did Cartman turn Southern? He wants a Crystal Cathedral.
Satan, you are sad. And a pussy.
Oh hey, look, porn on TV.
Yes, that is a good point. If you want to be with Chris, you'd be with Chris. You're just sad.
Wow, that's a shit ton of sex toys. And there's an Antonio Banderas love doll.
In Ensenada, Kenny has revived again! KENNY! "Where am I?" "Que?"
Cartman's Crystal Cathedral is a hodgepodge treehouse.
Mom is trying to distract Cartman with donuts. That's the one time that didn't work.
"Kenny's calling from beyond the grave!" "Ask him what hell is like?"
Chris, you are too nice.
And then Saddam, of course, killed Chris.
Inside the treehouse church is pretty cool.
In hell, everyone speaks Spanish, says Kenny. I won't repeat the part about the pee. The cloned trinket stores are funny though.
A dad who objects to Cartman's cult suddenly dies Kenny-style. In HELL.
Here's a Protestant in hell, and a Jehovah's Witness. Mormons are the only correct religion. OF COURSE.
Satan is not in the mood to be scary.
Chris is back--where was he going to go, Detroit?
Cut to Chris meeting Saddam. "Is this some kind of trick?" Sadly, no.
Cartman will end up either a cop or a PTL preacher.
Timmy walks! Then falls in.
Satan ask a small blonde girl for advice. She says to talk to God. Satan can't.
Cartman tries another faith healing or two. Schroeder is here again!
Satan visits heaven, i.e. Mormonland.
Yup, God still looks really weird.
God told Cartman to get some money out of everybody.
God is all, "You're a whiny little bitch." You need to be alone. Also, God is a Buddhist.
Cartman bathes in money. "The Tooth Fairy thing didn't work, the boy band didn't last..." Suffice it to say, it's a scheme.
Satan breaks up with everybody.
Jesus comes in and tells everyone to go back to school. God wants you to help others and stop doing this shit.
Jesus sends Cartman to Ensenada to pick up Kenny.
Satan finally zaps Saddam in the stomach. And he asks God to let him into heaven. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.