The Five Commandments of Valentine's Day.

"The fact that I feel it neccessary to engage with this conversation is a testament to the commercialization of holidays, and just how great social pressures are at making normally strong, stable, happy people think that there's something wrong with them." -Kameron.

"Instead, it's a time when the ever-present Romance Monster really pulls out its fangs and starts ripping into people's soft, human flesh. And make no mistake, in America at least, Romance is a monster with a single-minded desire to get people to conform." -Amanda.

"It's the one day of the year you're not allowed to be single. Any other day of the year it's not unusual for me to receive the odd comment from my married friends along the lines of "You're lucky you're still living the single life." But not around Valentine's Day. Oh, no. On Valentine's Day, living la vida sola is strictly verboten." -Liv Heatherington, Hating Valentine's Day

There's two holidays- the "dating" holidays- that I dread every year. New Year's and Valentine's Day.

New Year's is one of the two major holidays that it's important to have a date on (not in quite the same way some might want dates for Christmas), or at least a swarm of people to party with. I always feel pressured to be doing something interesting and fabulous, preferably with a guy or at some place where hot guys will be, on that date. Naturally, I've only had about four NYE's in my life where I wasn't at my own house, with my parents, bored out of my damned mind and depressed looking at the party people on the television. I didn't even KNOW you were supposed to kiss someone at midnight until 1998, folks.

Valentine's Day causes similar issues, but on a much grander scale. It's more public than NYE. NYE is an afterthought to Christmas that only gets worried about for a week, tops. Plus, you go out one night, you party, or you hide in your house, and it's over. Valentine's Day, on the other hand, is all over the world for at least a month beforehand. You can't avoid having it rubbed in your face. (I'll never forget the year I was having a particularly horrible post-dumping Valentine's Day, going to work, and having my boss's husband send in a barbershop quartet to serenade her while on deadline.) You can't go anywhere or do anything without having the 5 Commandments Of Valentine's Day thrown in your face.

• Thou shalt not be single on this date.
• Thou shalt have a SO, and he/she must bedeck you with flowers, candy, and/or jewelry/stuffed animal/lingerie. And those flowers really better be sent to your work or school so you can show them off.
• Thou must be taken out to a really goddamned expensive restaurant.
• Thou must get laid.
• Anyone who does not follow these commandments is a colossal loser and nobody loves them.

If your VD does not live up to those expectations, you feel shitty. And you especially feel shitty because you go outside of your house and look around, and see tons of people complying with the commandments. And then you start the shame spiral: Why can't YOU get that? Why are you still single? (God forbid you still be single at 42, or else everyone thinks you're a lesbian.) If you have a boyfriend, why isn't your boyfriend giving you flowers and candy today? If you have a girlfriend, is she going to be pissed off at you if you buy her tulips instead of roses because they were out of roses?

I'm always tempted to call in sick on the day (especially after The Year Of The Barbershop Quartet), except somehow circumstances always coincide to make SURE that I have to show up somewhere outside my house on that day. But it's so depressing to just have those reminded of the Commandments rubbed in your face.

I have had pretty goddamned crappy Valentine's Day's. Even when I've had boyfriends, they have been crappy. I've had my date canceled because he had to work. I've had my boyfriend go out of town that weekend (and not really um, do anything to make up for it afterwards either). I've spent so much time traveling to see a guy that I don't get there until it's too late to do anything. I think the only actual gifts I've gotten for Valentine's Day were a pile of stuffed animals he won during a work raffle.

And then there was last year, when I got dumped for it, of course. God forbid I actually request that we see each other on the day, especially since Valentine's Day that year was on a Saturday and since we were in an LDR, it was kind of sad if we didn't. *insert eye-roll here*.

And the ironic thing is, I LOVE BEING SINGLE! It's been...a year tomorrow?... and I'm still acting like the kid from Home Alone, running around the house screaming, "I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEE!" I don't miss having a boyfriend, I'm loving having my time to use as my own and doing what I want with my own money, and I'm happier now than I've been in years. I actively want to discourage guys from becoming interested in me because I can't be arsed to have my wings clipped again, even to get nookie.

So why the hell am I still upset and bitter and pissed off when the day comes around, when I don't even WANT a boyfriend?!

I admit it: I don't even necessarily want a guy to prove his love on that date so much as I just want to "keep up with the Joneses" for ONCE in my life. I want to flaunt flowers in the faces of people with flowers. I want the candy, even though to be honest I hate those candies with the goop inside and don't even eat them. I want to be shown off on Valentine's Day in a fancy restaurant NOT with my parents, wearing a skimpy dress, and finally feel like I'm having the holiday Hallmark always promised me, so I can be good enough, hot enough, and goshdarnit, SOMEBODY LOVES ME AND LOOK, HE SPENT BUTTLOADS TO PROVE IT TO THE WORLD!

Is that going to happen in my entire life? The 8-Ball says, "Doubtful." Hell, last year was the year where I realized that my parents had done much more for me on VD's (bought me jewelry and stuffed animals and dragged my sulking ass out to dinner even when I didn't want to be seen in public alone with my parents) than any guy ever had. Kind of a shocker there.

In my saner moments, i.e. not in the first few weeks of February, I don't really care one way or the other if I ever get the flowers and the candy. (Restaurants, on the other hand, are always acceptable.) I don't care about showing off that I got attention. I am generally secure when I am in relationships that the guy loves me. I don't care about bragging and flaunting then. But with all the stuff out there in the world in February, suddenly this envy monster comes out in me, and I just want to have someone publicly make me fit in with the popular crowd. And on VD, you can't really prove it by yourself without some date to take you to dinner, even if you send yourself flowers and candy with a faked note attached. And it's NOT OKAY to be single.

Every year, my feelings get hurt. I'm the queen nerd that nobody likes all over again.

I never know how to handle being disappointed, embarrassed, and shamed on this day. I can't avoid leaving the house and pretend it's not happening. There's always the people who say things like, "You should go help out at a soup kitchen!" on that day, but I just don't feel like hanging out with total strangers on the day of love, thanks. There's also the school of thought of "Celebrate love for EVERYBODY! Make valentines for your friends and even your dog! It'll be grade school all over again!", but somehow I've never managed to drag myself onto that particular bandwagon. I'm not really a "card" person anyway, and barely managed to send my parents a card this year. Then again, the fun of grade school Valentine's Day was that everyone was making and sending valentines, and it seems to me it might fall flat to be the only one making cards when everyone else isn't. (But that's me.)

And finally, there's the other typical advice, which Kameron above has mentioned doing and even Britney advises the single gals to do: "round up a group of your friends" and eat diet ice cream. Or have one of those rumored "Anti-Valentine's Day" or "I Hate Valentine's Day" parties where everyone single gets together and watches serial killer movies and bitches and has a fabulous time turning the day on its ear.

I'd ABSOLUTELY LOVE to do this one. I really would. But I can't. Wanna know why? NOBODY ELSE SINGLE IS AROUND ON VALENTINE'S DAY. Everyone I know is having a happily schmoopy date on that day. Even my lone single friend in town has (non-romantic) plans on that day. Meanwhile, my roommate, who has been similarly VD-cursed, has had the curse broken by her current boyfriend, and they shall be having the nookie, the dinner, and the gifts all night, I'm sure, since he went all out for Christmas and is known for going all out for girlfriends on Valentine's Day. And I'm just trying to think of somewhere I can go so I don't have to be home watching the boob tube while they eventually get it on at home.

I don't even want a boyfriend, and yet I feel like I should be dragged out into the street and shot on February 14 for not having one. I'm a loser and I know it on that day, and I can't seem to find a way to trick myself out of feeling like that, no matter what I try.

(This entry has won a Media Girl Feminist Valentine Blog Award.)