On tonight's episode, we have PARTY PLANNING! Whee!
I don't think I mentioned this earlier, but on the official website, the contestants are called "The Perfectionists." Oy vey.
Everyone on Artisan is deelighted to no longer have "a dictatorship" via Tom. Tim of the Beavers says his focus is "getting rid of the other team." Sounds sensible, given how this episode goes.
The teams get to choose from "Red or White", "Little or Big," and "Outside American or Inside French." Beavers get first choice and go with red. Artisans pick "Little," obviously thinking this will make things easier on them somehow. Beavers with final choice go for American. This becomes especially amusing when you find out that Beavers have chosen a party theme of red wine, big kitchen, and American outdoor party- with synchronized swimmers! Hee! Artisan is suddenly devastated when they find out what kitchen they've got, AND even worse...they have to have a French mime at their party.
At this point, you know Artisan is doomed. No party goes well with a mime.
Yes, I'm spoiling, but trust me, even non-psychics can figure out how this is going to go.
The judges have to swap back and forth between each party for 30 minutes and eat a 3-course meal plus drinks and appetizers. $2500 budget. And the individual projects are "gift bags" with a $40 limit. 36 hours to do it all! And we're off!
First off on Beavers, Mychael and Mitch get into a fight over deviled eggs. Mychael wants deviled quail eggs because they're little ("It always looks better when it's small"), Mitch throws a fit and insists on deviled regular eggs because he hates quail. Mychael compromises and says, "Okay, fine."
On Artisan, Michelle the baker wants to run the food and make lobster. A baker wanting to cook seems suspicious to Darlene, even if Michelle claims much French knowledge. Kimberly thinks entertaining is her thing, so yay.
The teams actually have to book their mime/swimmers- I guess they were given a phone number. Heather on Beavers plans on wearing a foofy swim cap to the party. And apparently there are several types of mimes one can book. Yikes.
Mitch "I Run An Event Company" is lording it over the Beavers the way Tom did last week. Dude, when Beavers lose, you are so getting booted on annoyance at the first possible moment. Just because you have an almighty dick in the hen house doesn't mean you get to rule it.
Michelle wants to offer lamb and lobster, and bought enough food for 24 people (not 12), spent $1000. She also insists on picking out her own pans instead of letting Darlene do it, because Darlene has to go out and get fabric anyway. (Ugh, I would not want to be shopping for fabric all the time on this show.) Darlene is clearly "The Nerd" on this show- she's the oldest Artisan and "No one agrees on my ideas very much." I like her and think she's the most sensible Artisan member, but at the first opportunity she'll probably be gone too, in that Debb-from-Survivor kinda way. Sigh.
Mitch and Denise fight like Itchy and Scratchy over decorating the table.. She refuses to play along with his game. "You're not going to get away with it just because you're louder and talk over everybody and sell yourself constantly. I will stand up to you." You go, Denise. Shse also points the scissors in his face, which annoys him. She's all, "Stop being a pansy. Good God." Via separate cameras, they swear vengeance upon each other, Martha-style.
Michelle claims everyone else knows they're going to make the appetizers. Um, no they don't. And what's with ordering them to make a stuffed tomato with shrimp? That's not French. Darlene says she made it under protest, and she's pissed at Michelle. Vendetta #2!
Darlene is making all of the fabric table decorations in one day. Amazing. Meanwhile, Dawn irons silk boxes. I can't really explain this one too well. Something about toast.
Michelle and Kimberly are both making truffles for their gift bags. Michelle uses a blow dryer on hers and puts them in a paper box. Kimberly puts them in wood boxes with no lid. Dawn does a crappy little picture frame and candle, which I just don't think is gonna make it as an individual project, AHEM, since I doubt she made those on her own today. Mitch made "vinyl fish bowls", which look like the shittiest possible thing one could make by hand. It's just cheap and crappy. Well, it's fine for say, a kiddie party favor, but for three judges who think they are sophisticates? You're just lucky you're on the Beavers, bucko.
The lobsters are...really, really disgusting. There went $500 wasted right there. Kimberly makes lamb as replacements, but insists on doing them medium rare.
Surprise, surprise: the synchronized swimmers are....all really fat.
Darlene tries to figure out a way to save the lobster by making a roux, and asks Michelle for flour. Michelle claims not to have any. Darlene is all, "WTF, I knew you had some around!" and Michelle is all, "Nope, there isn't, move on."
Note my foreshadowing in these posts...
Artisan's Party, Round 1 (minus Bobby the judge, who's late in traffic): David and the mime happily bounce when they meet. The champagne is warm, and the judges are Not Happy. They go on at length about it. David claims he's not trying to be a pain in the neck dinner guest, but um, you're a judge, of COURSE you're going to be. The fault of the warm champagne is on Kimberly- "I put it in the freezer for an hour or two. I don't know what happened." Kimberly says they're the most ungracious guests she's ever had to host. Darlene agrees they're rude, but they ARE judges, after all. The stuffed non-French tomatoes also don't go over well with the judges.
Beavers, Round 1: Heather's "Esther Williams" cap goes over well with David, and the decorated table goes over well, but the Beavers all abandoning the judges to do party prep does NOT. Candace is really pissed about that. The judges want paper napkins instead of nice ones and less ice in their beverages. And deviled eggs? The scallops are either too cold or too warm, depending on who you ask. The swimmers perform. Yikes, they are not pretty, though their swimming is nice. The judges leave, bitching about being abandoned at the table, and the Beavers moan and cry.
Artisan, Round 2: Bobby shows up and wants some "scraps" of appetizers. He's told yes, then...they're out. Bobby says that there ALWAYS have to be some appetizers saved for the late guests. The Artisans pretend to be happy to see the judges return. Kimberly thinks medium rare lamb will be "acceptable." Hah. The mime is annoying, and points a gun at his own head. The judges all HATE the rare lamb with a passion and complain that they can't eat raw meat. I guess that saves them more room to eat at the Beavers', then. The only thing that goes over well are the desserts, "the last flavor that goes in your mouth goes into the judging area," or so Michelle says. Sure enough, they loooooove the desserts. The French mime shows up as a disco ball. The toast boxes go over well, and Candace loves the female bonding at Artisan. (Take that, Tom!)
Beavers, round 2, are similarly NOT missing the judges. Mychael saved the scallops (appetizers) and offers them to a happy Bobby. The food goes over very well, but one of the judges has to ask, "What happens if you lose Mychael?" Heather claims she could take over very well if Mychael was gone, but Mychael was all, "Yeah, I wasn't too impressed with their cooking skills." Sure enough, Heather's dessert is "too doughy and dry." The Beavers in general are very tired by now, and are obvious, and MENTION it to the judges. Bad move. Mitch says at his parties in the Ozarks, they eat hillbilly food and moonshine and would never have such a frou-frou party as this. Um, why on earth are you saying this? On this show? At a frou-frou party? Mitch continues to bitch after the judges leave, and Amy (on Beavers) wishes she could go to the Artisan party.
Darlene discovers after the party a stash of flour. She is PISSED OFF at Michelle.
It's judging time! Beavers win on the food and presentation, while Artisan wins on overall fun and slumber party estrogen partying. The question of "WTF was up with the warm champagne?" comes up, and Candace is all, "Um, just put it in a bucket of ice." I mean, that IS why you see that in the movies all the time and all. Kimberly is all, "We didn't have a bucket. Or ice." Candace is all, "Use the SINK." Wow, this is amazingly dumb. Kimberly so needs to get voted out sometime, because...man, she flubbed this one up bad. If her gift bag had been worse.... David says the mime was annoying. DUH! Bobby is all, "Yeah, why wasn't all of the food French?" Michelle is all, "I don't see why it HAD to be all French," and Bobby is all, "Um, yes, it DOES, actually." The fighting among the Beavers is also brought up. And Candace goes, "Did you guys think it was a good idea to serve deviled eggs?" You know, I HATE when someone asks a question like that where the answers on both sides are obvious- yes, evidently SOMEONE DID THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA, and equally obvious is that you're being condescending by hinting that y'all are morons for thinking it was a good idea. She's all," Why didn't you do deviled QUAIL eggs? It's so much cuter when they're small!" Mitch continues to assert the superiority of plain chicken eggs.
Overall winner...BEAVERS! Surprise! Or not! Darlene makes a sick face. As for the gift bags, the losers are Michelle's not-so-nicely-boxed truffles (though Candace doesn't like the non-lid on the wooden ones, paper ain't reusable) and Dawn's cheapass not-handmade frame and candle.
As for the vote.... both girls give the "Vote for who you think is best" speech, which is nice, short, and classy. Dawn gets one vote, Michelle gets two (Darlene is especially pissed). Buh-bye, Michelle!
In her goodbye speech, Michelle says she wouldn't do anything differently. Um, yeah.
Next week: we have an Apprentice-type "stick someone on the losing team" moment, and Artisan has fights in Wal-Mart. The teams do some kind of fancy frou-frou camping adventure! David wears plaid! Whee!
Best Internet Variety Show (and Good Luck Getting Anything Done, Ever) in 2005! 
