The Smug Valentined.

Last year, I ranted about feeling like a public loser for not having a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, and feeling crappy when I'm compared to the people who get gifts and food and love on that day.

But there's another group of people who irritate me around VD of late. Let's call 'em the Smug Valentined.

I was reading this message board thread and I found myself getting more and more irritated with the comments of some of the posters. The posts were along the lines of (summarized):

"Just spend time with me."

"We're not into gifting."

"I don't need gifts."

"All I want is a card."

"We never do dinner on the day. So many crowds!"

"We're not into holidays. We just spend it like every other night of the year, at home with dinner and the TV."

And the more I read Smug comments like that, the more my inner Bridget kept coming out and getting annoyed. Like, "Wow, you're so shallow for WANTING stuff or special attention on that day." And "Who cares about holidays? Why make it special?"

You can spot what I said easily over here:

I think the people that are content with a quiet, just-like-every-other-day VD might just be burned out on having things lavished on them, but I've never gotten that. And dammit, it's a holiday. I don't want it to be just another fucking Tuesday if I have an SO.

But there is another way to think of it: that they're so secure and loved that they don't need to feel special on any particular day of the year. And that the reason I feel the need for public affection in order to feel gratified on Valentine's Day is because nobody ever did that for me on a long-term basis.

Hmmm. Maybe that's wrong and maybe that's right.

I am all for doing something special on a holiday. I don't get why someone would want to spend one of the few "special" nights on the calendar (after all, we might have maybe 2 special days per month at the most, and some months just don't have any) doing the same old crap that they do the rest of the year, unless they have small children and/or are just too broke/tired to make an effort. (The lone night I spent with an SO on VD, we got Jack in the Box and sat around on the bed. Whee.) Isn't it nice to do something on an exceptional day that doesn't consist of slog to work, work, slog on home, eat, watch TV, bed? What's the matter with WANTING to do something different when the opportunity is provided for you? Of course, in the case of VD I'm mad because that's the one holiday you can't really just celebrate by yourself. I'm getting cheated of one of the holidays because I don't have a boy, dammit.

But as to the security thing... Pardon me while I sort of wander off topic for a bit. I swear it has a point.

My new roommate and his girlfriend (both of whom are friends I met through volunteering) have about the most mellow relationship I've ever seen in my life. They see each other on a casual basis. He does his things, she does her things, they get together sometimes. They don't even necessarily spend the night all that often. Which flabbergasts me because my experience, and about the experience of watching everyone else I know in couples, is that once you have an official SO, you are joined at the hip as much as you can possibly manage. My previous roommate and her boyfriend, for example, seem to only separate when work is involved.

As a single girl, I am currently taking a bunch of dance classes, a sculpture class, I volunteer, and I joined a writer's group. As the roommate could tell you, I'm pretty much never home. All of that is stuff I would not be doing if I had a boyfriend. I try to not be one of those girls who ditches all of her friends for an SO, and I don't do it, but I certainly do dump all of my activities. Within a month or two of starting to see someone, suddenly I'm spending every moment I can with him. And in the case of the last LDR, the weeknights were spent talking on the phone (which is in part why I lost one year of NaNo). It's been my experience that between what the guy wants and the rush of hormones, it's just not kosher in a relationship to disappear from your SO for days on end because you don't get home from class until 9-something at night.

So it weirds me out a bit to see them doing something so drastically different. But in a way, maybe they're the sanest of all of us. Being just fine with not seeing the SO for awhile, enjoying it when they do. Neither of them have given up doing the crafts or other activities that they do in order to date. And that's a hell of a lot smarter than I've ever been about it.

As you may have guessed, these two are Smug Valentines. Yesterday, they were discussing what to do for VD. No gifts even came up in conversation. They decided to make dinner and watch a movie. It's the "just as long as we're together" kind of celebration.

And while at first I thought, "Okay, it's a good thing that I'll be stuck at volunteering on VD, because otherwise I'd feel obligated to find somewhere else where I can go all night so they can be alone and schmoopy," it did strike me that the mellow approach does work for them. And even makes sense.

Maybe the Smug approach is not quite so bad after all. And maybe someday if I'm ever in a relationship where I can still do my own thing, I won't be quite so frantic to be overladen with red gifts in public.

But that said, I still want ONE VD where I'm begifted and wined and dined according to every damn stereotype in our culture first, dammit.

Comments

["The" Jess]

I remember my first real New Year's Eve kiss. . . was with my husband of nearly 9 years just before we got married.

Valentine's Day has always been a slobbering mess for me, and since my anniversary is 1 month+1day later, we don't go hearts-n-flowers over it but get extra-snuggly and spend the time holed-up after-hours. Which we do.

I'd love to see a dating service set up Valentine Nights based on what the woman and the man each want from the night. Of course, it still wouldn't work because she'd ask for wine, dancing, and flirtatious smiles and he'd just wanna knock boots.

Unless he's an emo. Which means he's already got a girl and is singing and playing guitar for her.