Best Internet Variety Show (and Good Luck Getting Anything Done, Ever) in 2005! 
Bwahahahah.
"Monday: Fed up with being a faithful wife. Unwilling to cheat with just anyone because in my wedding vows, I promised not to. Fortunately, I slipped in a loophole. Right after "I do," I embraced my beloved and whispered in his ear, "Of course, if a celebrity ever asks me to run away with him, you're history as far as I'm concerned. You understand that, don't you?" I think he did - the look on his face had to be agreement. Through the subsequent decades, I have threatened to leave him for men ranging from Johnny Depp to Denzel Washington and yet I haven't gone, so he has become complacent. The old fool. Now's my time to move.
Searched the internet, assuming Alan would have a web site, waiting for me to email him. He does not. He does, however, have a wife. I learned that from the Alan Rickman fan sites, of which, there are far too many. I checked their counters. According to my calculations, at least 125,000 adult females spend really serious amounts of time each day discussing him. They know his favorite food and star sign. They know his inseam measurement. They have made wallpapers for their desktop from his publicity shots, so they can stare at his face between chats. That's so sick. I keep his picture in my documents file, as any sane person would.
Thursday: Recovered resolve. Hannibal didn't let little things like the Alps stop him, and I'm not letting 125,000 other fans and Mrs. Rickman stop me. Grumpy about over-population. If there were less people on the earth, my odds would be much better. Have informed Steve of my intentions, so he can prepare to be single. He seems unperturbed.
Friday: Over breakfast, Steve gently suggested my plan to trample all rivals with elephant herds was unrealistic, probably immoral, and definitely illegal. I hate it when he's right. Decided to take direct approach and just call my unknowing-but-fated lover. Searched web for about ten hours, finally found his barber's brother had posted Alan's phone number on his links page. When we speak, I must warn him to change it. Any kook could get hold of it and bother him.
Saturday: Turned out the Alan Rickman with a phone number listed on the internet was an accountant in Surrey. He was nice and we chatted for awhile about the time difference between America and Britain. If he and the family are ever in town, they promised to stop by. He congratulated me on my determination. So far, only 536 women have called his house looking for the actor by the same name. It's clear, most never come this far on the quest. I feel that's a good omen. He's sending me a London phone book; further action will have to wait till it arrives.
Friday: The phone bill arrived. Steve was not amused but once I pointed out that I will be designing web sites for several Alan Rickman's in the Greater London Area as a result of the calls, he was somewhat mollified. True, it makes for an odd resumé, but I guess it doesn't hurt to specialize. I asked Steve if my leaving him for a handsome actor bothered him at all. He said, "No, it's good you have a hobby." He is not taking me seriously, I can tell."
Other amusements:
- Jane Eyre's webpage.
- Marley Accounting Services.
- All-For-One School of Fencing.
- Borg Technology.
- The Lemmington-By-The-Sea Gazette.
- The Ultimate Gothic Wedding.
"Bill had just settled into his position as Chief-Mover-and-Shaker, when quite unexpectedly he was moved up the ranks to Overlord. We're really pleased about the corporate condo in Hawaii that comes with the job, though when we'll find time to visit, we don't know; we haven't even seen the New York penthouse yet. I think he appreciates the limousine more but then, you know how silly men can be about their cars.
Our eight-year-old son Johnny continues to do well in school and we are very proud of him. As you may know, there were some conflicts last semester but an international panel of mathematicians determined that Johnny was perfectly correct in his proof of a flaw in the calculation of pi, so that's settled. We laugh now when we think of the times we were so afraid his volunteer work to aid underprivileged children would interfere with his studies but it seems like he's managing. There's been talk of a Nobel Prize, so let's all keep our fingers crossed for him. It's those little bits of positive feedback to a child that make the adult, after all.
Ten-year-old Jill is still a happy child, caught up in the active life she so loves. There was some pouting when we insisted she put off the Olympics but since she hasn't decided whether to compete in track, ice-skating or gymnastics, we thought she should give herself some time to see which she was serious about. The Organizing Committee insisted on holding spots open for her on all the teams, so she has time to enjoy her youth for a bit longer yet. Besides, we felt it was important she finish her first thesis without quite so much distraction. Right now she wants to continue in bioengineering but who knows? Next week she could be back to her old love of quantum physics. The young are so charmingly fickle, aren't they?
I'm afraid I must confess I've just been fiddling around the house this last month. I did manage to finish my second novel, design and weave three tapestries for the Metropolitan Museum, re-landscape the front garden and end world hunger. You might have heard about the last one on the news. The media does make such a fuss about these things. I was so embarrassed. As I told the UN, it was just a silly idea I had one day while weeding the roses.
Bill bought a lottery ticket the other day, just for a lark. Wouldn't it be a hoot if we won?"
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