If you can't say something nice...

what the hell do you say? (Salon)

"But now he's had a few mild strokes, seems to be slipping into dementia or possibly Alzheimer's, and is back to drinking and attempting to be the big, tough guy he always thought he was. He's driving everyone insane. Conversations between us often turn to talking about his funeral (which I think many in the family are hoping will happen sooner rather than later), and recently we came upon an interesting dilemma: Who will deliver his eulogy? And is there an obligation to be nice?

I'm a writer by trade, so I think there's hope I'll come up with something good. A nice compromise, if there's one to be had. There probably won't be many people at said funeral, but still, we were brainstorming ideas of what to say and came up with pathetically little:

• He always tried to tell a good joke.
• He is the reason why his daughters are such strong feminists today.
• He didn't ruin any of his daughters' weddings.
• He liked to be involved in the community.

We got some good black humor belly laughs out of the conversation, but now I think we could really use some advice. Should the eulogy be avoided? If someone in the family insists on one, should it say only nice things? I know it would be totally inappropriate to say, "Good riddance," but that's about the only thing I can think to say."

"My dad is a royal asshole. When he finally kicks it, instead of attending the funeral, I'm hopping a plane to NYC to celebrate with a hugely expensive meal at Restaurant Daniel (yes, I've thought it out.). My brother and sister will probably join me.
Anyone who wants a eulogy can provide it themselves, and that's exactly what I suggest LW's response be if someone in this person's family insists on one."

"While no the identical situation, I recall a funeral I attended where the deceased was liked, yet a difficult person. When one speaker acknowledged that === was "not the easiest person" the tone of the whole funeral changes. We all knew her this way and came together in loving, humorous memories."

"I gave a eulogy at his funeral, to a packed church. I told funny stories with a tiny, slight edge of darkness that you'd have to listen hard to detect. But I let everybody know that he was my dad, and that's what I would miss."

"I just made the decision there and then that when my parents died, I would not bring any bitterness or animosity to their funeral. It makes people uncomfortable, doesn't make the eulogizer seem very nice. I just think it would be better to give a middle of the road eulogy that doesn't offend."

"Now when my little brother died, writing his eulogy was very different. He was a monster for most of our lives, so we wound up writing facts and focusing on the good. We all knew the bad but this was the last time his story would be told and perhaps by telling the good, something better could happen."

"Ask all your relatives - at least the ones who are not estranged - to come up with just one positive thing about your dad. String these together, and add the autobiographical stuff like education, job, etc. and you'll have enough. A eulogy doesn't need to be long, just semi-sincere sounding. (I read an article shortly after Saddam's death in which someone managed to come up with a few positive attributes for the man.)"

"I once heard a eulogy for an elderly woman that went something like this: "Nettie was clean. Very clean. Very VERY clean." That's not a lie or an insult, but it speaks volumes about her priorities. I could see people looking at each other and half-smiling all over the church."

"In rhetoric school we call this "paradoxical praise"-- "Hank [the alcoholic] was well known in social establishments all over the metropolitan area," "Irma [the child beater] had a huge impact on the lives of her children," etc. The ancient rhetoricians taught this without embarrassment. It allows you to address both the naive and knowing listener all at once."

(Luckily, this isn't a problem for me personally. I just thought it was funny this went up today, same day dad's obit is in the papers.)