Kinda related to the last one...

Helpful Guide to Online Dating for Men:

• "1.  When composing a headline for your profile, never use the phrase "Work Hard, Play Hard!". There are no exceptions to this rule, unless you find a clever way of being sarcastic about it. Such as "Work Hard, Play Hard!...in my pants." Otherwise, you sound like a tool.

• 3.  Do not post photos of yourself with attractive women. Women who are evaluating your dateability are NOT TURNED ON by seeing you with your arm around a Hooter's waitress with a dopey grin on your face. It's just the way we are. Get with the program.

• 4.  Don't be a nutburger stalker. When you send a message to a woman, wait 72 hours. If at that point she has not responded, FORGET ABOUT HER. Don't send another message telling her how you rilly rilly are a great guy and she's missing out. Don't send her a second message two hours after the first, telling her she's proven herself to be a typical selfish woman. Do not assume that a lack of response before a few days have passed means she isn't interested in you, but DO assume it beyond that point and walk away with your dignity intact.

  5.  Don't tell us what your friends think of you. "My friends consider me to be honest, loyal, and fun to be around." What? NO WAY. You must be totally awesome if your FRIENDS think you're a decent person.

  6.  Do not say, "I love to have a good time." Nuh-UH!! Marry me please, because I just can't meet ANYONE who loves to have a good time. What an unusual quality for a human being.

  7.  Do not title your headline, "Carpe Diem." Dude. That is the most hackneyed thing you could possibly say. We're OVER it. Great movie, nice concept, but Jesus H. Christ. Just do not say it.

  8.  Do not title your headline, "Nice Guy...With An Edge." The primary reason for that is, five billion other guys use the same headline. The secondary reason is because it is meaningless and also sounds really fuckin' silly.

  10.  Don't say that you used to be a playboy but are now ready to settle down. First of all, if you have to say you were a playboy, you probably weren't. Second, it's kinda repulsive. I hear a man say he used to "play the field" and all I can think about is how many STDs and bastard children he has.

  11.  Much like #6, do yourself a huge favor and don't say that you "enjoy life." Because, again, NO SHIT. We are all going to go ahead and assume you do, in fact, enjoy life, even if you don't point out such. You may as well tell us that you are glad you can breathe and you don't want to die.

  12.  This the most important thing of all: LEARN HOW TO SPELL. Especially - I cannot stress this enough - if in your profile, you claim to prefer "smart" women. Because the thing about smart women is, they are wholly repulsed by guys who write like third graders. Here are some actual examples straight off the Yahoo! pages:
  "I'm funny and humerous."
  "Cool, calm, and collective."
  "I tend to be layed back."
  "I know your out there!"
  "Pin pal needed!"
  "Looking for a women who will luv me."
  "I perfer smart ladeis."  (Good luck with that, genius.)   

  13.  If you have children, trust me, we KNOW you love them. It's kind of assumed, you know. You do not need to say, "I have two boys who are the center of my world. I'd do anything for them. I love them more than life itself. My boys are the sweetest little guys in the world! I have built my life around them." I mean seriously. For the love of GOD.

  15.  Don't waste your time initiating contacts with women whose clearly-listed preferences do not in any way resemble YOU. You'll just get deleted. For example, the "my ideal match" list on my profile clearly said I preferred guys who were age 30-40ish, of fit or athletic build, college educated, no kids, not religious, and so on. Yet I got dozens of messages from men in their 60's, 22-year-olds with no job, men built like Michael Moore, men with four kids whom they had full-time custody of, men who said "godliness" was the sexiest quality in a woman -- you get the picture. I'm sure they were all lovely individuals, but the preferences are stated for a reason. I don't want to date men my dad's age, and I don't CARE how much money they've got. I don't want to date men who weigh three times as much as me. I don't want to date men who make half as much money as I do - they're just not trying hard enough. I don't want to date men who get turned on by Jeebus worship, it would only end in mutually assured destruction. And really, if I explicitly state a preference for NO KIDS, get a clue. That probably means I don't really LIKE children, so why would you want me to be around yours?"

(#15 alone is why I refuse to online date. Good LORD, PEOPLE CANNOT READ. Well, that and the spelling.)

• "16.  Don't make the fatal mistake of assuming ALL women are crazy bitches who want your money. I know, I know - some of them are. But if your opening line is, "You're cute, but the first thing I want to know is if you're crazy like most chicks and are you looking for a sugardaddy because I'm not into that drama," you go in the Douchebag File of Presumptuous Fucking Douchebags.

  17.  Do not say that you wish to find a mate with a sense of humor. Come on. Think it through. I'm repeating myself here, but...NO SHIT? You don't want someone with NO sense of humor? Huh. What a rare creature you are.

  18.  Do not, under any circumstances, wear a cowboy hat in your profile photos. Maybe it's just me, but I do live in Texas and I have asked around, and sorry to break it to you guys but most women really, really, REALLY aren't into the cowboy look unless you very closely resemble Tim McGraw in face and body. Few men can pull it off and not look like total dorks. I'm just trying to help you help yourself here."

(This amuses me no end because I come from a town where the dudes wear cowboy hats and I am just not impressed. Also, stop spitting like llamas.)

Comments...

• "But you should have said something about goatees. Cowboy hats...goatees. Lately the well-dressed man never has one without the other. And don't ask me why. One's nineteenth-century wild-west American. One's seventeenth-century French.
• 2. If we think Raquel Welch's body style is sexy, that's the way we are. If we're more partial to Kate Moss or Keira Knightley, then THAT is the way we are. Let it be. Don't argue with us about it.
• 3. If, before you even created an account, you knew exactly what you wanted to find and it was a David Hasselhoff clone who plays professional football, between 6'2" and 6'4", 200 and 225 pounds -- say that. Our time is precious too. Yeah, really.
• 4. If your financial woes are going to surface during the conversation of the first three dates, you are not ready to be dating yet.
• 6. If your first paragraph must mention your pets, you're not ready to date yet."
• "And re: the women's side: If I state that I'm an agnostic with pagan leanings who dislikes kids, that means that you should keep looking if you want a "good Christian man" to help raise the results of your past indiscretions. Just saying..."
• "The only tme I actually enjoyed a long walk on the beach, I was alone, I was stoned, and the crowning moment was pissing in Lake Michigan as the moonlight lit up the fog."

Helpful Guide to Online Dating: Girl Power Version.

• "1.  First and foremost: NO PHOTOS OF YOUR CATS.  Apparently, this really, really turns guys off. Especially if you are not even in the picture yourself, because nothing says abject loneliness and seriously flawed understanding of heterosexual men more than a photo of Mr. Furrylicious Snooperpants posing cutely on your sofa.
• 2.  Don't use any variation of the statement, "I'm just as comfortable in a ballcap or in an evening gown." Whoever originally invented that basic sentence might have thought they were clever but that was about 500 years ago and now it's one of the most egregious cliches imaginable.
• 3.  Don't announce in your profile that you're recently divorced. It says to men either that you're looking for some hot crazy post-divorce sex (which, if that IS your implication, well don't worry, you'll get it) or that you're traumatized and looking for The Perfect Man to erase all the bad voodoo your ex laid on you (which makes most sane men run screaming in the other direction). In any case, why use the qualifier "recently"? You're divorced, I'm divorced, we'll all be divorced eventually - it's no big deal and in my opinion, merits no attention at all within your profile. Just check the "divorced" box on the marital status section and call it a day.
• 5.  For the love of all that is holy, erase from your repertoire the phrases "down-to-earth" and "girl next door".  Yes dear, you and about forty million other chicks. What does it even MEAN? Frankly, maybe I should just make a list of all the bad cliches and leave it at that. The thing about cliches is they tell you absolutely nothing useful except that the person who's using them is unable to come up with a better and more enlightening way of describing themself; in other words: BORING.
• 7.  The biggest favor you can possibly do for yourself: SPELLCHECK.  Or get a smart friend to proofread your profile.  Do something. It seems men are even more revolted by stupid-sounding writing than women are. Profile headlines like "Let's the Games Begin!" or "Lookin for Teh One", aren't exactly going to make the most positive first impression, unless the guy himself is too dumb to notice, in which case, more power to you both, I guess.
• 8.  Do you want to land Dr. Rich N. Moneybags?  Don't advertise it. Don't list your income as $24,000-$35,000 and your ideal match's income as six figures. Are you insane? It'll never, ever happen unless the only reason you don't earn more money is because you're a 20-year-old swimsuit model/college coed. Plus, all the normal guys will write you off as a golddigger: the kiss of death.
• 9.  Don't call yourself a "princess".  You're not seven years old, toots. I don't know if men will agree with me on this, but it seems to me that the kind of woman who will say out loud she wants to be treated like a princess is going to be the worst kind of high-maintenance, demanding, black hole of neediness imaginable."

Other suggestions from the comments:

• "Avoid saying "I love the outdoors, animals, and moonlight walks along the beach."

• "An alternative to #8 would be, Don't say, "Money isn't important to me."
  It's a lie. Everyone wants to be financially comfortable, at the very least. We all know you don't want to date an otherwise WONDERFUL man who just happens to have very high seniority at the local Blockbuster."

• "One thing has't been mentioned: PHOTOS. Women seem to get carried away with the cockteasing pics. They don't realize that they're just provoking guys whom they DON'T want to date to contact them. Think about it rationally, gals. What are you trying to accomplish? Presumably you're trying to physically attract guys who are mentally attracted by your profile.
  I'll never complain about girls who take slutty pics. I certainly have no problem with it. But you're basically removing the filter that a profile is supposed to provide. A large minority of guys are just looking for hotness and they'll happily read your profile back to you in the first person if it gets them a chance at the plate."

• "Ads that say "No drug users", "No alcoholics", or "Just looking for someone who won't beat me and steal my money" screams "professional victim". Get help. Straighten your life up before you shop for a new hubby.
  "Unsure" if you want kids? No you're not. Yes or no. You already know what you want, do us all a favor and let us know too.
  I'm a scuba instructor and rock climber. Don't write me if you're a chain-smoking, fat-ass couch potato on a first name basis with the Schwann's driver. Something tells me it's not gonna work out.
  "Trying to quit". No you're not. That's "chain smoker but wish I wasn't". If you have a wholesale account at the Indian smoke shop, you aren't trying to quit. You aren't close to quitting. You couldn't find QUIT on a map with a compass and a grid reference. You smoke so much I can smell you through my internet connection. Quit or don't, but stop lying about it.
  If you're a 4'11" woman, WHY OH WHY do you have "must be 6' or taller" in the profile? What are you trying to accomplish, other than alienating 90% of the male population?"

• "On the other hand, I've always gotten much more attention from the men who are under 6 feet tall, and especially from the men who are way under 6 feet tall. The shorter guys already know they're not the biggest guy around, so they seem to figure that a few more inches on the woman is no big deal."
• "Don't forget "looking for someone who is real." Because there are a lot of fake people, aliens, and ghosts out there setting up dates."
• "Im wit the speling advice.  sometin about not be abl to spel correctly realy chaps my as."