"I fucked a pie. I’m pretty sure (and I hope) that I’m part of a very small group of people who can lay claim to this rather questionable experience. I do remember reading about a teenager in Idaho who, after the release of the first American Pie, went to the hospital with third-degree burns on his penis after he attempted to fornicate with a still-hot pie. Poor kid. Shoulda went à la mode. But for all intents and purposes, I am the Pie Guy. Not some singed idiot in Idaho. Not anyone else. I am. I am the motherfucking Pie Guy."