Best Internet Variety Show (and Good Luck Getting Anything Done, Ever) in 2005! 
"I’d say coming to California was a culture shock for me, but I honestly haven’t seen the alleged differences between the coasts. People on both sides tend to vote blue, call their college towns “The People’s Republic of X” and love sushi. I guess the weirdos must live in that wide expanse in between."
It gets better...
"Another peeve: between the warm winters and the stereotype of sexually liberated California, I expected there to be a lot more streaking here! I’m not asking for UCSB levels of licentiousness, but I’m disappointed. All you have is the recently developed “Undie Run.” I witnessed it this year. Less than 50 students participated, all in speedos or undergarments. Pathetic! Why, when I was in college, I and hundreds of students would run around our Quad twice a year, completely naked, in the freezing snow, uphill both ways and watched by dozens of tourists with cameras while a band played in their boxers. Maybe it’s an East Coast thing? Still, I’ll say this about the Undie Run: The few of you who ran are in terrific shape! Let’s just say the streaking student body at my alma mater tended to be less Natalie Portman and more John Lithgow.
Perhaps the biggest disappointment for me is how political this campus is, or at least has become since you-know-when. What happened to the supposed apathy of Davis-ites? If I wanted to go to a school wracked with protests and ethnic tension, I would have gone to Berkeley. As exciting as it is to have witnessed the Birth of a Meme, I liked this school better when the students cared more about their classes than their criminal records.
I’ll end this by holding up a mirror to this campus’ vaunted “diversity.” Honky, please! I’m not saying Davis isn’t diverse, but there’s a reason why we have nine Thai restaurants and nine sushi bars while the only Ethiopian place shut down. Granted, I’m a bit biased: I’m a New Yorker. My standards for a “diverse campus” – like my standards for “big city,” “high rent,” and “edible bagel” – are a bit higher than yours. Also, I think “Seinfeld” is hilarious. I had to travel 3,000 miles before I met people who didn’t.
The minority group I miss the most here in the West is my own: Jews. There don’t seem to be a lot of us here, though there are some on this campus who don’t like our kind and are quite vocal about it. Nuts to that! I’m Jewish and Israeli and proud of both, and if you don’t like it you can bite my Hebrew National Kosher Frank. All Beef. Foot long.
Aw crap, this became a sex column again."
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