Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
He pointed out that the stickers are easily removable, so they don’t cause any property damage. They’re also durable, weather-resistant and able to be repeatedly blasted with a steady stream of hot fluid.
Bruce also made a sheet titled “Urinal application instructions”: “1. Dry urinal with paper towel. Don’t wet your fingers. 2. Peel stickers and stick only on dry area. Don’t use fingers to apply. Use the waxy part of the sticker liner to seal. 3. Piss away on the fucking turd that is Trump.”
Staats she said hadn’t originally intended the stickers for use in urinals.
“My idea was to put them at the base of lampposts and such, so that people’s dogs would pee on them,” she wrote. “Not being male-bodied, the urinal idea didn’t really cross my mind. … It wasn’t my original intention, but I’m really happy that a guy got the ball rolling on putting them in urinals!”
Of course, at least 51 percent of the population never use urinals.
“I’ve spoken to girls about this, and I’ve figured out a way to apply them to toilet bowls,” Bruce said. “But it’s a hassle because you have to flush the water, turn off the valve, dry off the area, and then … if you’re sitting down, then it needs to be reversed so his face is pointing at their crotch.”
"The girl first reached out to Weiner on Twitter in January and later told him in an email, “’I was studying you—for a book of course. You were my Hannibal Lecter.”
Among the more noxious notes attributed to Weiner was one telling the girl, “I would bust that tight p***y so hard and so often that you would leak and limp for a week.”
She reportedly felt guilty about the relationship in April and told a teacher and her dad. Her father told the Daily Mail that he considered going to the authorities with Weiner’s messages but didn’t because his daughter asked him not to. “I agreed because her mental health is in jeopardy and I didn’t want to exacerbate anything that she has mentally going on,” he told the publication.
The girl added that she believed the relationship was consensual and that the only time she became uncomfortable was when he would bring up “rape fantasies.”
On Monday night when this came out, I was in a sketch writing class and the teacher said to go look up some news headlines and to get a sketch idea from them. I came up with the idea of a Halloween gang war between Skittles and M&M's, their gang colors, their insults, and how both sides plan to choke the shit out of any kid who eats them.
"Jolie’s the one who filed now, in late September, just as Pitt is about to gear up for an Oscar campaign for Allied. She understood, having navigated several Oscar campaigns herself, that Pitt would want to put any hint of scandal quickly to rest and without fanfare. She “allowed” the news to be discovered via legal documents instead of breaking it through a publicist or People Magazine, effectively creating a gossip vacuum into which all manner of speculation could build, including a rash of revealed blind items pointing to drug abuseand visits from strippers. Pitt, from this point forward, is on defense — and always has been in the case of Jolie’s career. Because Jolie, if anything, has always been the primary architect of the way others view her."
"Gawken—whose anonymous, privately registered creator takes pains to explain has “never even heard of Gawker”—nevertheless bears a passing resemblance, from its logo to its layout to its propensity for baiting headlines like “We Must Throw Away These Infernal Devices And Confront The Terror Of Day-To-Day Existence Head On.” However, it’s explicitly not Gawker, nor does its founder and editor Peter Theil have any relation to PayPal founder (and Gawker archenemy) Peter Thiel. This should be obvious from the fact that Peter Thiel is far too busy being an amazing, attractive man worthy of our undying respect—particularly ifthat whole immortality thing works out—and furthermore is so obviously a Solomon-like judge of who among us mewling grubs deserves to live, die, and not get the bejeezus sued out of them, he shouldn’t just be on Trump’s Supreme Court, he should just be the Supreme Court. In conclusion: Peter Thiel, wow."
Citing “serious lapses of truthfulness,” a disregard for “the impact of her actions on the campus and the university as a whole” and a manner “unbefitting of a leader of one of the nation’s top public research universities,” Napolitano unleashed some harsh criticism on her once-favored chancellor.
Indeed, in the Aug. 5 letter — which was released Wednesday by the UC Office of the President in response to a public records request by The Enterprise — Napolitano pointed to her initial defense of the chancellor as critical stories hit the media about Katehi’s paid board service, social media contracts and employment of her family members."
She also described to the regents how Katehi had failed to follow UC policy and “fostered a culture where even the campus leaders closest to her do not feel comfortable letting her know when she is engaging in questionable activity.”
“The investigation has demonstrated that chancellor Katehi repeatedly misled UC leadership, the UC Davis community, and the public about matters that would cast her in a negative light,” Napolitano wrote."
Called America, the golden throne "offers a wink to the excesses of the art market but also evokes the American dream of opportunity for all — its utility ultimately reminding us of the inescapable physical realities of our shared humanity," the museum wrote.
Cattelan has jokingly termed it the "Guggen-head," according to the museum, and says it is "one-percent art for the ninety-nine percent."