Cecil, Welcome to Night Vale: "The problem wasn’t solved, but most problems don’t get solved. I mean, generally we just do our best to mitigate the problem, and if it can’t be mitigated, then it can be relegated to a background noise by pleasant distractions and a prioritization of interests."
Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
Ami Bera's town hall was interesting."This has put him in a difficult position. Bera is often seen as taking positions based upon polling results rather than what he thinks is best for the country. Being in a district that is fairly equally divided between Democrats and Republicans, Bera wanted to focus on his ability to “reach across the aisle.” But most people attending the town hall would be more comfortable reaching across the aisle with an uppercut to the chin instead of a handshake. In this time of polarization, neither Democrats nor Republicans believe Bera is on their side."
This is what it’s like answering all those phone calls to Congress: "But with every phone call from a concerned constituent, every tweet in support of our shared resistance, every protest sign held by someone who demands dignity for all, I feel a renewed confidence in the resilience of our democracy. Their activism gives me hope. Their resolve gives me strength. And hopefully, hearing a live voice on the other end of the phone rather than a voice-mail message does a little of the same for them."
Liberals are learning to love states’ rights: "The United States could not, indeed, survive half-slave and half-free. We certainly could survive if our states’ social models were half-red and half-blue — or one-third red, one-third blue, one-third purple. We might even flourish....Neither Blue America nor Red America really wants to break up. We just need to give each other some space."
I tried to watch as much ‘Fox & Friends’ as the president. Here’s what I learned."Fifteen hours into this experiment, we realize that the trouble with “what does it feel like to watch eleventy billion hours of ‘Fox & Friends’ ” is that is presumes we all feel the same things, or start from the same place, or have much common ground at all. If you are already a connoisseur of the show, then bingeing it will feel both reassuring and entirely unremarkable: a place where Trump is finally getting a fair shake, and people are finally able to call the mainstream media out on their piles of B.S. by saying things that need to be said. If you’re not, it will feel like a parallel universe where up is down, and down is backward, and two plus two equals purple. Which isn’t surprising. We increasingly live in a choose-your-own-facts society. If you are worried about your job, your health care, your safety, you might choose whichever news source made you feel the most justified in your beliefs. If you were a president whose most recent approval rating was 39 percent, you might do the same thing. If, on the other hand, you are trying to watch “Fox & Friends” merely as an anthropological exercise, then what you’ll think of it is that they are masters of tone and delivery. The show is an object lesson on how you can say the darnedest things, so long as you do them in a sunny-side-up way. “Fox & Friends” is much more pleasant to watch than MSNBC’s “Rachel Maddow Show,” for example, where the host’s smirking indignation wears old and starts to feel like a stress test delivered via the television. It’s also more pleasant than CNN’s “Anderson Cooper 360,” where opposing views are lobbed back and forth like tennis balls: Kayleigh McEnany to Van Jones to Kayleigh McEnany to — oops, the ball has gone wild and Jeffrey Lord is chasing it. If Rachel Maddow is faux outrage, then “Fox & Friends” is faux peacemaking, wondering why the other side persists in being so mean, while casually throwing frosting-coated grenades over the fence. Opposing viewpoints are piped in infrequently, and usually in discrete sound bites (a clip of Bernie Sanders railing against the proposed health-care plan) that can then be dismissed without having to delve too deeply into unpleasant arguing."
Is a Trump Presidency the Satanic Temple's Chance to Go Mainstream?"Contrary to its name, the Satanic Temple is not composed of the kind of devil worshippers Carson evoked during his speech at a Seventh-day Adventists gathering in 2012. Rather, these Satanists identify as justice-oriented atheists, using the symbol of Satan not just as parody but also to challenge religious groups that use the mantle of God to justify their actions. At a time when religious advocates hold tremendous power in the White House, the Satanic Temple's mission may become more important than ever — if its would-be supporters can get past all the demonic imagery. "We decided that Satan was the ultimate rebel, and we realized the power of that symbol," says William Morrison, a co-founder of the Satanic Temple's L.A. chapter, which formed about a year ago and has held recruitment and advocacy meetings regularly ever since. He acknowledges that while the group's allegiance to Satan may give the wrong impression, it has also garnered them an outpouring of international media attention that they likely wouldn't have achieved otherwise. (One of their closely held beliefs: Any press is good press.) When critics express revulsion at the idea of Satanism, Morrison says he tells them it's nothing compared to gory religious iconography. "Let's take the pentagram and paste that on a wall, then let's take the [crucifix] and put that on a wall. Which one is scarier? This [star] shape or this bleeding hippy dude nailed to a cross?"
"Yeah, I must have gotten under Donald’s skin pretty deeply, that he has issued this tweet, whoever heard of me. I don’t know. Donald and I have been talking to each other for 30 years." "And, you know, Amy, the White House did something actually quite unethical yesterday. I have been dealing with White Houses since Richard Nixon. I’ve been at this 50 years, and I’ve been dealing with White Houses since Nixon. I have never before sent the White House a document to allow them to comment on it and have them take my exclusive story and give the information to other reporters. And that’s what they did. They never responded to me. They instead went to other reporters and said, "Here’s what’s going to happen." That is just the most base, unethical conduct by the White House Press Office that I have ever seen.... And when I was on another TV station today, the producer said to me, you know, "Did you know Trump gave out your story just before it went public at DCReport.org?" And then I went on The Rachel Maddow Show a minute later. And that really is just not the way you do things. It is—it lacks honor. Of course, Donald Trump lacks honor, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Donald Trump doesn’t have any idea what honor is."
Old 2016 interview: "Donald doesn’t know anything. And if you listen carefully to what he says, it becomes apparent. He was asked by a Hugh Hewitt during one of the debates, the right-wing radio talk show host, about the nuclear triad. That’s the capacity of the U.S. to deliver a nuclear bomb from a submarine missile, a land-based missile or an airplane. His answer indicated he had no idea. Well, it turned out Hugh Hewitt had asked the same question months earlier on his radio show, and Trump didn’t learn in between. Trump talks as if the president’s a dictator. When he ran casinos, he didn’t know the games, he didn’t know the odds, he didn’t know how to handle customers. All he knew how to do was take money out of the organization, which weakened it, and that’s why his casinos were among the first to fold.... I mean, if Marco Rubio, who is pretty much an empty suit, has to school you on something this basic, that should have screamed to people back in December, "This man has no qualifications!"...Donald has done business all his life with mobsters and criminals, because it’s a way to make money.....Why did Donald Trump need to write that letter, which could have cost him his casino license? Because he needed this guy to be his friend and not his enemy. What was going on that Donald Trump needed a drug trafficker to be his friend and not his enemy? And that’s a question no one in the news media has been asking.....And that’s an essential element to understanding Donald Trump. You don’t exist, Amy, I don’t exist, as a person. That’s why he talks about women the way he does, in these degrading terms. Donald doesn’t see other people as people. He sees them as things to be used....This is a man who gives awards to himself. How juvenile..... I did not appreciate, until I worked on the book, that while Donald holds himself out as a devout Christian—"No one reads the Bible more than me"—while he has all these pastors embracing him as a good Christian man, Donald aggressively, thoroughly and at great length, in many forums, denounces Christianity. His personal motto is "always get revenge," whereas the message of Jesus Christ was "turn the other cheek." And these ministers, some of whom I’ve written to and haven’t—they haven’t responded at all—continue to embrace him. And I find it very troubling. Donald has beguiled them with flattery. If they continue, now that my book is out, if they know about it, to do this, they are then deceiving their flocks, and that’s evil. But Donald himself doesn’t care about these things. He will tell you any lie. He can’t quote a single line from the Bible. Not one. And yet he says, "No one reads the Bible more than Donald Trump." If you ask him, "Well, what do you like in the Bible?" "Oh, there’s so many. There’s so many. I just—there are so many, I can’t choose."
I don't watch The Bachelor (but apparently this relationship is already dead in the water?), but will the dreaded visa process keep Nick and Vanessa apart? Basically the only even somewhat working option is for them to elope immediately, which isn't good but still better than her trying to get one involving a job, apparently. Thanks, Trump!
"Texans who live in the path of President Trump’s proposed border wall with Mexico have received the first letters, called a “Declaration of Taking,” from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. One of the notices, received by Yvette Salinas, offers her family $2,900 for 1.2 acres near the Rio Grande. Even if her family does not accept the federal government’s offer, their land can still be seized through eminent domain."
A Trump book riddled with falsehoods will no longer be sold by the National History Museum: "Linda St. Thomas, a Smithsonian Institution spokeswoman, said museum officials can vet only so many items before they go on sale at the Smithsonian’s various gift shops. She said she wasn’t sure whether the Trump book was fact-checked. “I don’t know if we read all the books we sell. They will certainly take a look at this,” St. Thomas said. “We’re talking about thousands and thousands of items that come through, and some of them are geared for certain shops. This book has a very limited time period.” On Saturday, after The Washington Post published this story, the museum tweeted: “The book is no longer available for sale in our shops pending a review by our historians for factual accuracy.”
"Trump’s current finances are set to face a new test with the coming April 18 tax deadline. He has steadfastly refused to release his returns, pointing both to ongoing audits and to his belief that Americans do not care to see them. However, a Pew Research Center survey in January found that 60 percent of Americans believe that Trump has a responsibility to release his returns. All U.S. presidents are automatically audited every year, as prescribed by a guideline in the Internal Revenue Service manual in place for presidents and vice presidents since the 1970s. Trump could urge Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin to change that provision, legal experts said. Trump has not said whether he would do so."
Fart Against Trump.Translated: "This is the greatest protest movement in the history of mankind. On March 21, 2017 at 23:05 CET, over 7 billion people are to send a giant fart towards the White House."
Now what's Trump gonna do about his taxes? "Trump's current finances are set to face a new test with the coming April 15 tax deadline. He has steadfastly refused to release his returns, pointing both to ongoing audits and to his belief that Americans do not care to see them. However, a Pew Research Center survey in January found that 60 percent of Americans believe Trump has a responsibility to release his returns. All U.S. presidents are automatically audited every year, as prescribed by a guideline in the Internal Revenue Service manual in place for presidents and vice presidents since the 1970s. Trump could break with that tradition by urging Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin to call for a change to the practice, legal experts said. Trump has not said whether he would follow the tradition of the annual audit."
"House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) says Obamacare is in a “death spiral,” and he should know: He’s the one who cut the power to Obamacare’s engines and pointed its nose downward. President Trump says, “ObamaCare is imploding and will only get worse,” and he should know: He’s the one who placed the explosives under Obamacare’s foundation. House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Greg Walden (R-Ore.), co-author of the GOP health-care bill, says of Obamacare: “We’ve arrived at the scene of a pretty big wreck.” And he, too, should know: He’s the one who dumped oil and tire spikes on the road."
Glenn Beck is really sorry about the world he brought about. “In my life, I’ve had so many come-to-Jesus pivot points,” he says, “and I keep searching. Jesus and Hitler could both draw a crowd by saying, ‘You have pain. I have the way to make it stop.’ ” He stops. He says maybe he shouldn’t have said that. And then he says, “You don’t want to live inside my brain.”
Trump's typical MO. "THIS IS TRUMP’S MODUS OPERANDI:-- Whenever he is under fire for something in a sustained way, he makes a shocking claim or provocative declaration about something else to change the subject."
"In a move that absolutely will not backfire, White House press secretary announced today during a regular briefing that Donald Trump wants the media’s help to decide what charity he should donate his presidential salary to. That means Trump is letting the people he’s spent his entire presidency insulting choose what he does with his money, as if some cheeky hero isn’t going to take the opportunity to suggest stuff like the Committee To Protect Journalists, the ACLU, or any of the other organizations that are trying to stand up to Trump. And that’s also assuming that Trump isn’t totally full of shit, because it would be pretty surprising if he knew how to spell “charity,” let alone donate his $400,000 salary to one."
"McKinnon’s Jeff Sessions would make a great recurring character, except for one catch: every week Kate McKinnon plays Jeff Sessions on Saturday Night Live marks another week Jeff Sessions spent as Attorney General of the United States of America. McKinnon was born to play trickster gods, and as of this week, she’s invented a magnificent one. Too bad a throwback like Jeff Sessions inspired it."
"Do you think there’s some sort of competition? Among Republicans? Right now? To see how far they can go, how insufferable and cruel and sort of ruthlessly, face-stabbingly insulting to as many intelligent humans as possible in a single blurt, tweet, senate confirmation hearing? Are they all testing just how much they can get away with before the devil himself says “Hey, you know what? I think that’s just about enough from you.”
"Why am I looking Paul Ryan pointing at a television on my television? What did I do to deserve this? I'm just trying to live a quiet life comprised of shady resistance and actively being emotionally destroyed by This Is Us on a weekly basis. Why am I looking at a PowerPoint?"
Things to Know About Steve Bannon's Past: "According to emails obtained by The Post, his original Florida home was reportedly trashed. In one email, the landlord described the jacuzzi bathtub as "covered in acid." The damages came to over $14,000, resulting in the loss of Bannon and Clohesy's $9,800 security deposit....Last year, Bannon registered to vote in New York, and he once again cast an absentee ballot for the 2016 election. He was removed from Florida's voting records after it became known that he was registered in two states. There is currently an ongoing probe into Bannon's claims of residency to determine whether or not voter fraud was committed." This one has more details on his ex-wife and drugs and the tub.
"Texas State Rep. Jessica Farrar, D-Houston, filed a bill Friday that would penalize men for "unregulated masturbatory emissions."
The satirical House Bill 4260 would encourage men to remain "fully abstinent" and only allow the "occasional masturbatory emissions inside health care and medical facilities," which are described in the legislation as the best way to ensure men's health.
Farrar said she created the bill after feeling fed up with the various legislative bills introduced by men addressing women's healthcare.
"A lot of people find the bill funny," Farrar said in a phone interview. "What's not funny are the obstacles that Texas women face every day, that were placed there by legislatures making it very difficult for them to access healthcare."
A man would face a $100 penalty for each emission made outside of a vagina or medical facility. Such an emission would be considered "an act against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of life," according to the legislation.
A registry would be created of non-profit organizations and hospitals that provide "fully-abstinent encouragement counseling, supervising physicians for masturbatory emissions, and storage for the semen."
Her latest bill also seeks to provide men with a safe and healthy environment during vasectomies, Viagra uses and colonoscopies by creating "A Man's Right to Know" booklet that should "exactly follow the rules and procedures of the informational booklet "A Woman's Right To Know," required to be given of women terminating pregnancies.
During the consultation, the physician would verbally review the booklet with men and would be required to "administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum," according to the bill.
Farrar said she included this part of the bill to mimic the trans-vaginal ultrasound woman have when they are seeking an abortion. She also described the doctor reading the "Woman's Right To Know" pamphlet as a "guilt mechanism."
"It's to show how invasive this medically unnecessary procedure is," She said. "When a woman has to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound, it has nothing to do with her healthcare. One of the state's objectives is to guilt her into changing her mind."
A doctor would also have the right to "to invoke their personal, moralistic, or religious beliefs" if they refuse to perform a vasectomy or prescribe Viagra.
After reviewing the booklet, consent will be given to the man only after 24 hours have passed since the initial consultation."