Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
"It was all so quick and sort of blurry in my memory, as fits of rage usually are. I’d say my thought process originated with wanting to send him something—anything—but because I had on the brain what a piece of shit he was, I Googled if sending shit was possible. Bizarrely, it was. The only person I told in that moment was my mom because I was visiting her at the time. She looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said, “Oh, that’s lovely, Amanda.”
Was there a part of you that wanted this to be the final straw in terms of severing any ties to him by doing something so dramatic?
Yes. I realize we still have to get legally divorced in both countries, but I can’t think about that right now. I wanted this to be the equivalent smack in the face of what he’d done to me. Although, to be honest, I do send him random Dorothy Parker and Frank O’Hara quotes, as a means of haunting him. But I’m sure I’ll get bored with that fairly soon.
Has there been fallout from your husband or his new girlfriend about this? Have they responded?
No response [to me] yet.
This story has gone viral; is that something you were expecting? Do you care about what other people are saying or writing about you sending your husband shit?
Honestly, I can’t believe something so ridiculous has gone viral. It all came about when I was pouring my heart out to my editor and told her how I sent him shit in my fury. She said I should write about it. Of the hundreds and hundreds of pieces I’ve written, I can’t believe this had such an impact. But I guess people love a good shit story?"
I'll be very curious to see if it ends up getting the second life on the high school theater circuit so many classics get. I sure hope so.
[smashcut to a high school drama department frantically trying to sanitize basically all of Hercules Mulligan's lines]
There's a massive orgy in the original version. That is cut from the school edition.
"Brrrah brraaah! I am Hercules Mulligan Up in it, lovin' it, I did my chores and now I'm going to get a good night's sleep, goodbye for the rest of the show"
*Cast waves goodbye to Mulligan, who's escorted from the auditorium*
I intentionally skipped a talk on Lafayette given where I live because every time I saw something on it, I found myself thinking, "Everyone give it up for America's favorite fighting Frenchman!" (Dude, I am going to a talk on him tonight and ah...yeah, I'll totally do that.)
That Team Anti-Jefferson is gaining ground in the 21st century is pretty interesting.
America is sick of being told we have to respect a ginger.
I also got the excellent experience of introducing the show to someone who was actually unspoiled for history, so when "Blow Us All Away" started my friend just says, "Oh, here's the second duel, payoff for the one in the first act!" and I was so shocked I just stared at him for a second and asked, "Do you not know what happened to Alexander Hamilton?" and he asked me in the tiniest voice ever, "Is. Is he gonna fight Aaron Burr?"
"No," I hope you said. "He finally feels that he has done enough, and goes off to live with Eliza for the next 50 years. Those songs are really bad though, so let's just turn it off now."
"Well, it's easier to swallow than that Bambi video."
Son, Alexander Hamilton went to live on a farm upstate. No, we can't visit him. We'll get you a new founding father.
And also the social awkwardness that make him decide "I assaulted your friend, let's be pals" is how you introduce yourself to someone.
I also love Burr's "I'm a trust-fund baby, you can trust me" because, as someone pointed out, Odom's performance is so great that Burr can't even say "baby" in reference to himself without sounding like he's creeping on someone.
"So what should we be avoiding in 2015 if we don’t want to find ourselves, like Sacco, in the proverbial stocks?
The perceived misuse of privilege, that’s the most shamable offense these days. Obviously that’s better than more shame-worthy transgressions, like being caught in the conventional sex scandal, which was the thing that used to ruin people in the ’70s.
What’s so wrong with ruining people for misusing their privilege?
People shouldn’t misuse their privilege, of course, but there is a huge problem to it, which is that most of the people in my book didn’t misuse their privilege. It just sort of looked that way if you half closed your eyes.
In PR they always say the worst kind of scandal is the kind that confirmed what people already thought they knew about you. Is that what you mean?
If you’re a celebrity. If you’re a normal person like Justine Sacco or Lindsey Stone nobody knows anything about you because you don’t have any kind of profile. So instead it’s like we’re all Miss Marples looking for clues as to your inherent evil, and it’s kind of ridiculous because people, by and large, aren’t inherently evil. A lot of people who get shamed get shamed because of a bunch of baggage that really isn’t their responsibility.
What’s the trajectory of a public shaming?
Well, it flares up incredibly fast. Then, anything you try and do after that is counterproductive—other than just apologizing and shutting the fuck up. All you can do is go completely quiet and withdraw yourself from society for, like, a year and hope someone like me eventually comes along and says, "I think you were the victim in this."
So what’s the worst side effect of all this public shaming?
It’s very destructive to society and I think it’s created a conformist, conservative, fearful surveillance society, like the Stasi, and nobody wants to live in a Stasi state, and that’s the world we’re quite literally living in. I really don’t think I’m overreaching when I say that."
I won't quote it, but the spoiler space section in particular rips holes in this movie like Chris Kluwe does with bigots.
"And it makes me want to never watch a fucking James Bond movie again. That is such a stupid, pathetic, ignorant choice for a creative team to make, and it demonstrates a complete misunderstanding of anything that has ever been part of James Bond, either in print or on film, that I genuinely struggle to understand how anyone could justify it."
"According to this study, making daylight saving time permanent could dramatically reduce the number of rapes and robberies, which most often occur in the evening commuting hours between 5 and 8 pm. The researchers note that when Congress increased the period of daylight saving time by four weeks in 2007,“robbery rates for the entire day fall an average of 7 percent, with a much larger 27 percent drop during the evening hour that gained some extra sunlight.” This led to an estimated annual social cost savings of $59 million.
And no, the drop in evening crime wasn’t compensated by an increase in morning assaults. Criminals (shocker) don’t appear to be early birds.
How many people do you know who look forward to spending their entire evening in darkness four months out of the year? Commuting home in darkness. Going on a run after work in darkness—or better yet, not, because it isn’t safe. Picking up your kids after school as the sun’s final fleeting rays bend distressingly low across the horizon. When the sky goes dark before you’ve finished your daily grind and gotten a chance to relax, an irresistible little voice starts whispering in your ear. You know the one I’m talking about. “Don’t even bother going out and enjoying the world,” the voice says. “It’s been a long day. There’s a frozen pizza in your freezer. There’s a new season of Supernatural on Netflix.” How many hours of human creativity and productivity have been wasted in the name of inexplicably early evenings we can only imagine.