Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
"When I was single and frustrated, I kind of flipped this problem around and reverse engineered it to suit my needs. I don't like leaving things too much to chance anymore if I can help it. So after much thought, the question, for me, changed from: "Where can I meet men?" to "Where is my man going to be?" Starting with the base line of qualities that I must have in a mate (honesty, compassion, stability, maturity, marriage minded, etc). Those things had to be a given. He had to be all those things when he showed up. Not perfect, but perfect for me. I love to dance, it's the top answer when someone asks me what I do for fun, so I knew for a fact I would meet him out dancing. My ideal was definitely going to be out dancing and looking for me to dance with for the rest of our lives. I like and appreciate a sharply dressed man, so I knew for a fact he'd be wearing a shirt with buttons. I knew what he WOULDN'T be wearing, as well. I wasn't looking for a casual fling, so he would not be using the type of language used when one is looking for a casual fling. I wanted something serious. MY husband would be serious. I had him pegged down to almost every last detail. My husband does this, my husband values that. He's this, he's that. He doesn't do this, he wouldn't do that. Perhaps that would work for you? Where would your "perfect" mate be? What's he like? What does he do for fun? Would he be at the bowling alley (because you love bowling and want to bowl often with your mate?), or is he more likely to be at an Italian restaurant (because you love Italian food and want you and your mate to enjoy dining out?) Do you like bookish men the absolute best? Then he will be found at the library, bookstore, at school and other places books are found. Think of the things you want in a mate, very specifically. If you know exactly what you want, it makes it a lot easier to find him or to be found by him....Don't worry about old and overweight. The right person won't give a damn about old and overweight."
Gag me. Anyway, the author is talking about how sometimes she says "husband" and sometimes just "boyfriend" or whatever. Why?
"My friend Mercedes calls it the “marital code-switch.” It can happen with newlyweds, who may still feel stuck between two worlds. It can also happen with feminists, who might wrestle with their ambivalence about marriage. There’s much to gain (respect, inclusion, relief from a sleazy asshole’s advances) but also, perhaps, something to lose (sex appeal, mystery, a right to self-definition) by offhandedly evoking a husband. Marriage can be both a giant privilege and, in less tangible ways, a disadvantage. But unlike race or gender, marital status is invisible, and married people can choose to wield it or not depending on the situation.
Let’s get this out of the way: The vast majority of married Americans do not code-switch. Most people fully embrace social, economic, and legal status bumps bestowed on them after their weddings. But for some, it’s a little more complicated. Lauren, a fellow reporter friend, just celebrated her 12th wedding anniversary, and she still has a hard time saying the word husband. While reporting in Iraq or on the evangelical youth movement, “the fact that I was married put people at ease.” But usually, she “winks it off in the language of screwball or film noir,” calling her husband her “fella” or “ball-and-chain.” For Lauren, husband is too loaded and finite. It doesn’t reflect her reality.
“Husband can connote ‘I got mine’ in a way that can be hurtful,” Lauren says. “I’d rather bond with someone about how we haven’t figured it all out than present a notion that I have.”
*high-fives to Lauren*
"Even in 2014, when Beyoncé can pole-dance to a song about oral sex as her husband and toddler watch, wife still conjures up all kinds of words, both positive and negative: domestic, traditional, motherly, responsible, settled, grounded, bored (and boring), feminine, codependent. Single woman evokes others: sexy, adventurous, frivolous, modern, desperate, lonely, ambitious, independent."
Hard to argue with that. Except...
"Some people in my life think my code-switching is a cop-out, including Aaron, who has little patience for fibs or euphemisms. “We are married, dude,” he says to me. “Deal with it. Anything else is a lie.” As Jessica, a 31-year-old feminist, put to me, “Let’s reclaim words we don’t like, rather than turn up our noses at them, shall we?” One of my friends, who is black, told me she didn’t have the luxury to downplay her status. Playing the “married” card was a way of employing “respectability politics”—the nuptial equivalent of a black student slipping a cop his college ID upon being pulled over. Another friend, Becca, who is a lesbian Lutheran pastor, says being married “legitimizes” her professionally (a dynamic which takes the argument for gay marriage to its logical conclusion)."
"As a woman, I don’t imagine that I will ever get to feel safe in my lifetime. I don’t think this column, or my stand-up, or some series of very well-timed tweets are going to change one of the greatest games of intimidation in human history. But, as a woman, I am never going to stop trying. Even after. I plan to have my ashes rolled up a This Is What A Feminist Looks Like T-shirt and shot into space with a T-shirt cannon."
Escape from Rana Village: the remaining palace folks are captured by the Rana, which are...lizard people aliens or something. OF COURSE THE VIZIER IS WITH THEM, NOT A SHOCKER. Everyone is locked up in cages and they have to tie a lasso and catch a knife. Andrew does this perfectly. The other three have to climb across a wet obstacle course holding some green things to drop off for a banshee, which is straight out of Myst. Shondo wins. The remaining non-eliminated dudes are tied as to who to vote out, and Andrew--who won three medals now-- is forced to choose. He's become friends with Lina now....and she's probably easier to beat than Patrick....and we could really use a woman in the final three. So there you go. I appreciate how fierce Lina is about insisting that she's the one true hero, but...honestly, I think it's gonna be brawn vs. brawn. I don't know which guy will win, but it will definitely be a guy.
"I always thought the hero was the big guy who was able to swing a sword and axe. But it's so much more than that. I definitely have changed my whole perspective on everything." --Andrew
"I just beat the two biggest guys in the competition. I didn't think twice about it, either." -Lina
OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE LINA WON!!!! GENUINELY WON!!! OUTSMARTED THEM ALL AND THEN FINALLY GOT THE ARROW IN THE HEART LOOOOONG BEFORE THE TWO BIG DUDES! Though the editing of that was a little weird and confusing--you're all "hey, why did Shondo stop trying and disappear into mist?" Love those earnest guys for trying, though.
YOU GO, GIRL. I am so proud of you and I'm glad you proved me wrong. You kept saying you were the one true here, and by god, you were!!!!!! GO SHOW! COME BACK NEXT YEAR!
And after Lina wins... AND SUDDENLY THE OTHER PALADINS ARE MAGICALLY BARFED BACK INTO THE ARENA. Oh, special effects.... I love how they bring everyone in for the battle anyway and they all go off and fight (non-fatally) while Lina goes off to deal with Verlox and the Vizier.
Zap him, special effects! Zap him!
It was a happy ending and I deeply enjoyed this show. More next year, please.