Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Continued from here. And now we'll be taking a break from South Parking for a week, since my TV watching may not be entirely under my control or ah, private from those who do not like watching foul children. I'll be missing the season premiere, but oh well, that horse left the barn months ago.
Eat, Pray, Queef
This time it's STAN who has a $100 check from his grandma. Randy is forcing Stan to put it in the bank and invest it.
"It's gone. It's all gone."
WHAT THE FUCK?
RECESSION: A NATION IN PERIL.
THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!
The economic reporter just shot himself in the head on national television.
Dinner is McCormick style: hot dogs and tomatoes.
Randy has a Margaritaville machine, which drowns out his ranting.
"They made the economy very angry."
Cartman blames it all on the Jews again.
Randy blames it on everyone.
"Yeah, I want to return this stupid Margaritaville my dad bought." Sur La Table is only getting refunds, but they won't give any.
Randy bought it on a payment plan.
Everyone in town now lives in their sheets.
"We can get around on llamas.... our kids can play with squirrels....NO MORE NEEDLESS SPENDING!" Randy preaches.
Kyle preaches spending more. The Council (whoever that is) will now be after Kyle.
Stan goes to the finance company to try to return the Margaritaville. They won't take it back either and the guy tells him to go to Wall Street.
I'm pretty sure this makes no sense whatsoever.
The Council. The entire town has gone over to your ways, Mr. Marsh. We don't even lose electricity any more.
"I am pretty smart, yay," --Randy.
"We've got guards at the malls to make sure nobody buys anything stupid."
Kyle was speaking blasphemy. He was rallying people to spend more!
"What harm can one Jew do against our economic recovery movement?"
"Excuse me, we need to borrow your squirrels!"
"Garrison, you have brought your filth to us for the last time!" He went shopping and now he gets attacked by squirrels.
"What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels at a man who has angered the economy?"
Whoever hasn't bought something stupid, huck the next squirrel. Someone does it.
Stan, go to the treasury department.
Kyle got a credit card to prove a point.
Faith is what makes an economy exist.
Is Kyle the economy's only son, here to save us?
Cartman will help if you just get him a game.
Stan's at the treasury department. I don't think anything is going to happen, somehow.
They come back with suspicious blood on them.
The Last Supper at Whistlin' Willy's. Kyle is bummed out. I just have a feeling this is the last time we're going to be able to do this. Also, someone is totally going to betray him. GEE, I WONDER WHO, CARTMAN.
Stan is pretty sure the Margaritaville isn't worth 90 trillion dollars, but he won't get that anyway.
Stan sneaks into the secret office where a chicken is butchered and the headless chicken wanders around the chart. Bailout!
Stan throws the margarita machine on the chart and leaves.
Kyle is... paying everyone's debts. Don't ask me how.
Kyle is dead! No, he just passed out. We should get him to bed.
Kyle fixed the economy a bit.
Randy wants another Margaritaville.
Obama gets Kyle's credit. "Oh, come on!"
Eat, Pray, Queef:
Part 2 of the new Terrance and Phillip is on! We're going to find out who Phillip farted on to get out of jail!
"That show is so dumb." I AGREE.
Why do boys think farts are funny? --Bebe. Boys are so stupid--Wendy.
The boys are watching The Canada Channel: the only channel in Canada. One of them farted on the President and the other took the heat.
But it will not be shown tonight to see the Queef Sisters!
"The fuck is this?"
Oh, South Park Guys. You pull the same thing on your show characters that you did on your audience in the second season.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DISGUSTING CRAP?" All they do is queef all the time, say T&P. Why isn't that funny?
"Your farts have gotten stale." --TV executive.
Cartman is calling to complain. He does not find it funny. Clyde threw up.
Some girl in class can queef whenever she wants. (It's when a lady blows air out of her vagina, if you somehow missed that.)
Here comes Samantha to queef. Butters is traumatized.
There's going to be a meeting at school about the queefer. Sharon: "So?"
Principal Victoria sees a kid once a week when a boy farts on a girl. Who cares?
Regis and Kelly have the Queef Sisters on.
Men enjoy farts, so why can't women enjoy queefing? We've even written a feminist book about it, Eat, Pray, Queef. Kelly joins in and Regis runs away.
T&P are fired because queefing has caught on. Here's some cookies.
OH NO, IT'S MARTHA STEWART DECORATING QUEEFS.
Now Sharon is doing it. She and Shelly laugh. "It's kind of funny how much it bothers you."
Great Barrier Queef joke!
Randy, how many times have you hotboxed me? THAT's DIFFERENT.
T&P are on the Queef Sisters. "The show is going aboot as well as it could."
We've come to kill you! The Queef Sisters think it's appropriate to die at the hands of their beloved idols.
Now everyone's turned on by each other instead.
Butters is in bed, moaning.
The Canadian foursome go wine tasting.
"Dammit, Katie, I was trying to enjoy my wine!" "Oh, that was me, farting." HAHAHAHAH!
Nobody knows who is who. They drink and drive.
"Queefing has become an acceptable evil." Cartman's at Congress again.
Randy will explain the difference to you. We even name our farts.
Women name theirs too! "We have the Sneezing Unicorn...."
A naming competition ensues.
The lovebirds are fighting about queefing and slapping in bed. THIS ISN'T GOING WELL. The ladies kick them out naked.
The men apologize. Sex ensues. It's really funny when Canadians do it.
Queefing has been banned!
"Well, guys, looks like you got us. Good job." --Sharon.
This episode is suddenly making me want to cry. Because men couldn't let us have this one little thing, could you?
I'm....suddenly thinking a lot better of Matt and Trey (but mostly Trey) for this episode.
Time for a song! We've been keeping women down! And women have the right to queef! Fly free! While showing heroic photos of women.
"You are a woman now, and you are free to queef." EVEN CARTMAN IS SINGING ABOUT HOW WOMEN NEED RESPECT.
T&P and the Queefs are getting married. The farts vs. queef wars continue.
Wow. That was a good episode.
Jimmy is trying to write new jokes. Cartman has to hang out with Jimmy because everyone is mad at him. He'll help!
On the one hand, Cartman doesn't like any jokes. On the other hand, they're not good jokes. Cartman wants better food than the fruit Jimmy's mom handed out. You want some fishsticks in the fridge instead?
JIMMY HAS AN IDEA. FISH DICKS!!!! "Dude, that's funny as shit!"
"What are you, a gay fish?" Butters sexplains the joke. (I typo'd and then kept it.)
The joke makes it everywhere, including Jimmy Kimmel and Letterman and Leno.
It is possibly the funniest joke ever seen, its origin unknown. Kanye doesn't get it.
"If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would know." --Kanye.
Cartman brags about being a comedy writer with Jimmy. Jimmy seems...quiet. Cartman wants compensation.
Jimmy, what part of the joke did Cartman write? None of it.
Craig is all, "Just give him half of the money, it's not worth it." Kyle likes to pick fights. Craig is a smart dude.
KANYE IS A GENIUS, NOT A FISH.
"Any questions?" "Do you like fishsticks?" "No." "Then you're a gay fish!"
Carlos Mencia is on Conan taking credit for the joke.
"Oh man, you must be gay fish, homes!"
"But Jimmy, some fat turd is taking credit for something he didn't do!" --Cartman.
Jimmy tries a moment of honesty. Not a good idea.
WE HAD A DEAL, JIMMY.
Kanye concert, everyone has gay fish signs and even a costume. He stomps out.
"Why is everyone calling me a gay fish?"
Fishsticks + me = gayfish
Breaded, fried, frozen
Cartman wants Kyle to teach him "Jew defensive moves."
"I believe that you believe you helped write that joke." Because that's what people like you do to convince themselves they're awesome when really they're just douchebags.
Cartman re-imagines the incident, along with KILLING A DRAGON AND NOT BEING FAT.
"Is it that I'm fashionable and fishsticks are crunchy?"
Carlos Mencia is now tied up for "originating" that joke. Kanye's got a baseball bat.
"I took credit for it because I'm not actually funny!"
"I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent!" Also, his dick doesn't work and he doesn't have one. Here come the guys with baseball bats.
Now we're on to Ellen. Cartman and Vollmer are on. Cartman brags about working with crippled people. Jimmy can't get a word in edgewise and cries.
Kanye prepares the jet.
Eric, how do you live with yourself? How do you look in the fucking mirror?
Here comes Puff Daddy! Cartman will explain..... with Jew robots attacking.
Jewbots! Flame on!
Jimmy, you totally believe you came up with it on your own?
Your ego is so big you just make everything about you no matter what other people say.... CUT TO KANYE.
"They weren't making fun of me. They were trying to help me." --Kanye.
Kanye's gonna jump in the water because he's a gay fish. Uh.........does he have gills now? I seem to recall a doctor checked him for that.
Escape from Rana Village: the remaining palace folks are captured by the Rana, which are...lizard people aliens or something. OF COURSE THE VIZIER IS WITH THEM, NOT A SHOCKER. Everyone is locked up in cages and they have to tie a lasso and catch a knife. Andrew does this perfectly. The other three have to climb across a wet obstacle course holding some green things to drop off for a banshee, which is straight out of Myst. Shondo wins. The remaining non-eliminated dudes are tied as to who to vote out, and Andrew--who won three medals now-- is forced to choose. He's become friends with Lina now....and she's probably easier to beat than Patrick....and we could really use a woman in the final three. So there you go. I appreciate how fierce Lina is about insisting that she's the one true hero, but...honestly, I think it's gonna be brawn vs. brawn. I don't know which guy will win, but it will definitely be a guy.
"I always thought the hero was the big guy who was able to swing a sword and axe. But it's so much more than that. I definitely have changed my whole perspective on everything." --Andrew
"I just beat the two biggest guys in the competition. I didn't think twice about it, either." -Lina
OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE LINA WON!!!! GENUINELY WON!!! OUTSMARTED THEM ALL AND THEN FINALLY GOT THE ARROW IN THE HEART LOOOOONG BEFORE THE TWO BIG DUDES! Though the editing of that was a little weird and confusing--you're all "hey, why did Shondo stop trying and disappear into mist?" Love those earnest guys for trying, though.
YOU GO, GIRL. I am so proud of you and I'm glad you proved me wrong. You kept saying you were the one true here, and by god, you were!!!!!! GO SHOW! COME BACK NEXT YEAR!
And after Lina wins... AND SUDDENLY THE OTHER PALADINS ARE MAGICALLY BARFED BACK INTO THE ARENA. Oh, special effects.... I love how they bring everyone in for the battle anyway and they all go off and fight (non-fatally) while Lina goes off to deal with Verlox and the Vizier.
Zap him, special effects! Zap him!
It was a happy ending and I deeply enjoyed this show. More next year, please.
Kenny has a girlfriend! For two weeks! Tammy Warner--the one girl in school whose family is poorer than Kenny's.
Butters finally noticed. Oh yeah, she's also a fifth grader.
Oooh, she's also a slut! Kenny is all, "woo hoo!" This does not surprise me.
There's a lot of rumors about me, but they're true....Kenny does a happy dance behind her.
Every time I see the Jonas Brothers, I get all tingly and I totally lose control, and then that guy took me to TGI Friday's....
"Two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert!"
Cartman, where's your mouth been with regards to a weiner before? Right, on Butters?
Kenny buys condoms. Woo hoo!
Oh my god, it's that tingling again!
Some girl starts humping a brother's leg and is dragged away by security. Another is hauled away on a stretcher.
There's Mr. Slave.
"I just want to attack you Kenny!" "Woo hoo!"
Uh-oh, the band would like Tammy to come backstage.... Hey!
We called you back here to see if you'll wear purity rings with us! That's just how we roll!
"How did it go last night?" "Purity ring."
It's okay, Butters, they have purity rings now. A ring where you stay together without sex--isn't that a wedding ring?
Jonas Brothers song on purity rings. Kenny is staring at the other kids TP'ing houses and making dirty snowmen.
And when you get totally bored with each other, you can hang out with other boring couples!
Even the Jonases are sick of the rings.
Here comes Mickey. Everyone else flees.
Purity rings are about selling six to little girls! "But we don't want to be selling sex to little girls any more!"
Also, Mickey beats the shit out of a Jonas.
"This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together!" Kenny is looking at Gray's Anatomy DVD's instead.
"Somehow putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd." "These Disney douchebags are causing all this!"
You'll be dousing the audience in white foam, right? Yup.
Cartman just got darted by Disney. Ditto the other two.
Who do you work for, Dreamworks?
Mickey kicks Cartman. I approve.
Mickey threatens the kid with a chainsaw. The Jonases think they've angered God and calls everyone the f-bomb.
Someone "subtly" plays Mickey chewing out the boys and talking about making girls' ginies tickle because they're fucking stupid and the rings let me do whatever I want. I've made billions off of Christians because they're stupid....
Mickey gets bigger and breathes fire... "That's it, girls, no more Disney TV for awhile."
"And once again, Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit." "Vengeance is mine."
Tammy is all, we're way too young to be boring, let's take off our rings and just be kids again!
Let's go to TGI Friday's!
Once again, Kenny died. Of a blow job? Nope, syphilis can be caught even with protection.
Crime rate up! No end in sight! Cartman is Batman! Who is he to talk about morals?!?!?!
Then he blames it on Obama.
"There is an animal that lives by night. It goes through the trash and picks through the garbage. I am...The Coon."
Lise and Josh are making out in the park. They look a lot like Butters's parents. Cartman thinks it's a rape in progress. "Oh, it's a talking squirrel."
"Oh, not THIS kid again." --cops
Cartman blames it on the mayor being a lesbian.
He's also dropped off some "Who is the Coon?" shirts.
"You guys hear that a rape victim got saved by the Coon last night?" Who's the Coon?
Cartman claims to not support the Coon's methods, and Kyle is all, wearing a costume and running around at night is the f-word. Which is insensitive to butt pirates.
"The city is a dying whore." Classy. OH LOOK, ANOTHER SUPER SOMEBODY. WITH A QUESTION MARK OVER HIS HEAD. DOING THE SAME JOB.
"No no no, I am the symbol this town needs."
Mysterion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You cannot know his identity. "I assume you're Cartman because you're fat."
Is it Kyle? Stan? Clyde? Mysterion leaves. I ALREADY LOVE HIM.
The Coon has a Coonicon 09 event that nobody showed up to.
The Airport Hilton really appreciates your repeated business...aren't you the kid with the ginger pride rally and the AIDS benefit? You're not? That's good, that kid was a douchebag anyway.
"I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices!"
BWAHAHAH MYSTERION IS ON TELEVISION.
The cops are all, "Mysterion, thank god you've come." They love him for reporting graffiti.
Mysterion sets off some fireworks and splits from the complaining Coon.
It's Professor Chaos! Get him, General Disarray!
Mysterion shows up in Kyle's room. Someone's trying to figure out who you are! I need help, someone who can do background checks for me, because you are the smartest kid in class.
We will now show you our secret headquarters of doom!, i.e. the general's grandma's storage unit. "And this is like, a cube of chaos that can destroy the world in one second." (Rubki's Cube.) The minions are hamsters or gerbils or something.
Professor Chaos has suspect walls for Mysterion (lots of suspects). Coon suspects: Fierstein, Vilanich, Cartman.
New Terrorist Threat: If Mysterion doesn't unmask himself, Professor Chaos will blow up...something?
Professor Chaos may hate the world and all that, but blowing up a hospital just seems mean!
Mysterion shows up. "This isn't your usual MO, Chaos." Chaos is incoherent.
SUPERHERO VILLAIN FIGHT!
You killed Mysterion! Nooooooooooooooooo! Hey, wait, he's not dead! THAT SEEMS TO ME LIKE A SIGN.
"Oh, look, everyone, it's the Coon!" "Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?"
Chaos runs away.
If you show your identity, we'll be forced to arrest you for being a vigilante! Don't show it, Mysterion!
Um, who is that? Someone from class, anyway. Take the kid to jail.
Now the Coon can reign supreme. On his little coon trike.