Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Windemere, Florida, Thanksgiving 2009: Tiger's now ex-wife Elin is smashing up dinner with his club. Oh, the memories.
They're screaming and she's hitting and he's popping pills. I don't think they can do a Swedish accent.
Cartman and Kenny are playing this as a game on Xbox.
"Hit X to lie." "I didn't know sports games were this cool."
So, why are rich, successful men going out and sleeping with lots of women? I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.
Of course it's sex addiction.
"Of course we know a healthy male only thinks of sex once in a while...."
Time to implement health screenings in elementary school.
Kenny likes the dirty sex photo that just got flashed to the class, of course.
"Do they all got a hedge like that?" asks Butters.
There was a handkerchief? Only Wendy and Cartman noticed. Kyle, Stan, and Butters didn't notice there was one.
"I'm afraid you have tested positive for sex addiction."
"Our nice lady with the handkerchief test is extremely comprehensive and through."
These kids will probably die via autoerotic asphyxiation. Even Kenny hasn't heard about that.
Yup, Kenny just died via autoerotic asphyxiation. He HAD to try it.
Butters is still fixated on bushes.
Back to the golf game--Stan and Cartman are playing Tiger and Elin hitting each other with clubs.
"I got the pre-nup power-up."
Sex addict meeting! Check that stance there.
Celebrities: Letterman, Clinton, Sheen, Kyle and Butters.
Huh, have I mixed up Stan with Kyle in this recap? I'm awake way too early in the morning involuntarily.
"Mr. Duchovny, please stop jacking off."
Watching chimps. "I'm going to give it a lot of money." Yup, now the chimp is a rapist.
Here comes a chmp in a pink coat and aviator glasses, hitting the rapist with a rolling pin.
"What's it doing now?" "Making a public apology on its talk show."
Butters is making a bonsai tree.
AVOID GETTING CAUGHT, GUYS.
"When they ask you for money, pay them," --Letterman.
Kyle suggests taking responsibility for their actions.
"We've got a turd in the punch bowl." --The instructor calls on Kyle.
Sex addicts will make sure they become rich so they can start having sex with women. It's something on the 100 dollar bills....
What happens in Independence Hall...aliens? Obama thinks he knows. It's the aliens from 1947 with a virus. "It's the only explanation that makes any sense."
Elin and Tiger Game, Round Three.
"As soon as it's dead, everything will make sense." What? They're going to kill that alien.
"We have to find the wizard alien and break his spell."
A SWAT team member tries to talk sense into people about how we're all alpha males who screw everything they can.
"We have a turd in the punch bowl." --Obama. "Where are you taking me?"
"This is the boy I told you about. And his friend Bummers." BUMMERS!
Maybe Kyle can draw the alien out! Here are some guns.
That alien is clearly some dude in a giant head. The kids can't shoot.
Oh, never mind, they got it.
"Look! The sex addiction! It's leaving my body!"
Kyle and Butters have medals. Butters never want to see bush again. He paid a lady to see it and he was unimpressed.
Tiger claims he can now be faithful.
The kids are now stuck playing a regular golf game. "Golf is stupid again."
Season 15, episode 13: A History Channel Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is 2 weeks away and a real Native American is here. David Running Horse Sawinkski and he's 1/16th Indian. And blonde.
"Thanksgiving is about murder?" --Butters.
The kids have to write a report. Let's watch the History Channel for this.
The first Thanksgiving may have been visited by aliens!
Nobody mentioned that aliens WEREN'T there....
Where did stuffing come from, space?
3 out of 4 kids want to do their report on aliens. Stan caves in.
Oh god, Cartman, nobody wants to hear about periods out of you again. God already cleared that up.
Here come the creepy secret government men.
The government thinks it's suspicious that the kids know the same things about aliens that the History Channel does.
Butters is watching One Direction. Dad makes him watch the History Channel-- Monster Quest, Hairy Bikers, Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving.
Kyle is a professor of Thanksgiving at DeVry?!
Kyle is quoted way out of context.
Here comes David Running Horse to complain and shoot Kyle. Here come the helicopters.
Plymouth Rock must be some kind of wormhole.
"Well, at least we weren't outsmarted by a 9-year-old kid. Pilgrims couldn't be from space."
Oh, uh, never mind, here comes the lightning. And a Pilgrim.
Aliens are from a distant planet called Plymouth. It looks pretty.
The Indians want to take all their stuffing.
"I haven't gone shoppies yet." Cartman's mom actually talks like this.
Cartman is flipped out about a massive stuffing shortage.
Pilgrims vs. Indians are at war.
Now a Pilgrim is fighting David in the kids' living room.
David vaporizes. "He was not" (an Indian). "I didn't think so."
The Pilgrim asks Kyle to help him get back to his planet.
Natalie Portman is helping them out.
Kyle is sad because he was wrong on the ancient aliens thing.
There are five planets: Earth, Plymouth, Indi, something I can't spell, and Green Lantern World, i.e. "this planet nobody really cares about." There's a wormhole network, but now they're all at war again.
"For he who controls the stuffing, controls the universe."
Sound the corn horn! We must abandon Plymouth! The stuffing mines are ours!
Natalie Portman controls the wormhole! She doesn't want to open it.
"You must know how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole."
Kyle and Natalie go on a date.
Okay, now she'll open it. I'm afraid to know what's going on back there. Yeah, it's between her legs.
Was the first Thanksgiving also HAUNTED?
Season 17, episode 7: Black Friday
Mall cops are getting a lecture.
Last year 26 people died and 400+ were seriously injured.
Randy is too stupid to realize what he got himself into.
Meanwhile, Cartman is dressed as a wizard. He needs to speak with Lady McCormick. Who's that?
Everyone's all dressed up for this meeting. Kenny is...a girl now?
The first 30 people in the mall get 80% off whatever they want.
"Black Friday? That can't be real."
"We do douse ourselves in pig blood because it helps us slip through the doors."
"In honor of our daughter, we're going to step on some other girl's head this year."
The kids practice with swords.
Is Black Friday really that bad? "I saw a woman pick up her daughter by the ankle and swing her into some guy's head."
Butters wants to know how come only gay guys are showing their weiners. Is that less threatening to women viewers?
"I could do with a little less gay weiner, is all."
Some conflict has erupted about which next gen gaming system they are all going after.
Uh-oh, we're divided now. Stan is a PS4 traitor. He's crying now.
"Winter is coming, Sharon, and I'm a sneaky little bee. Buzz buzz." --Randy
Cartman is forced to recruit Star Trek people for his Xbox cause. Nerd wars, man.
"All I get is weiner, weiner, weiner." --Butters on Game of Thrones
Also, why aren't the men hard? Because soft men isn't threatening, just like a gay weiner.
"Butters, you seem to be somewhat obsessed with weiners."
It's Stop Touching Me Elmo. He puts his hand on your knee and says "fun things."There's also a toothpaste dispenser in his crotch. DAMN.
There's a separate Black Friday line so regular people can do their normal shopping. They're lining up for Elmo.
Stan and company are trying to recruit the Goth kids for their side. The Goth kids will just wait until they become cheaper and more available.
"Sorry, I guess we just don't care enough."
"You have a strong influence over the rest of the men, Lady McCormack....Do we understand each other?"
"This is my garden and I'm sick of you kids dressing up and discussing betrayal in it!"
The glee club, jocks, kindergartners, Harry Potter nerds....all for Xbox. All we got was book club.
What would they do on Game of Thrones? Time for a sex scene outta nowhere.
Some Japanese guy sees Cartman's flier. He is displeased.
The mall will no longer allow people to line up until Thanksgiving night. Please take a wristband. OH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
A security guard gets shanked. "I'm getting my son that Elmo doll, you fuck!"
Randy just took the job so he could jump the line on Black Friday.
Oh, that guy had a FAKE MISSING EYE SCAR. "Take this..."
The winner of the console wars WILL be decided! All hail the princess! Lady McCormick! Who switched sides!
End of part one, but I have to leave right now...so more later.
"Google found that in general the worst traffic day of the whole Thanksgiving week is Wednesday. In Boston the worst day is Tuesday (everyone must be trying to outsmart each other by leaving early), and in Honolulu, Providence, and San Francisco the heaviest traffic comes on Saturday. Google points out that if you have to travel on Wednesday, there’s the most congestion between 3 and 5 p.m., so you should try to go earlier or later.
It’s great that Google analyzed its traffic data to put these tips together, but a word of caution: The whole project could backfire if everyone takes the advice to heart and starts traveling when Google recommends. You just can’t win."
Well, I leave on Thanksgiving itself, so points to me for smugness! (Or also just having relatives within an hour's drive.)
Not the original link, which is ... ick, but this story:
"When he and I first moved in and we were having our initial "ground rules for the apartment" talk, I told him that I sometimes went big about Christmas, "but since you're Jewish I can keep that to my room if you'd rather".
He thought for about two seconds and then said "no, actually, let's totally go the other way - you get the biggest tree you can, even bigger than you've done before, and I'll go get the biggest menorah I can find, and we'll put them both up right next to each other so we can confuse everyone."
This was all the way in September. But by the time that December rolled around, and we'd each put up our respective holidays, we both got so totally into the idea of Going Big For The Holidays that we were also looking into celebrating every other December holiday we could find, just because - Eid, Diwali, we even heard about some kind of ancient Chinese thing. We even invented a separate holiday for the cat ("Ribbon", I think my roommate named it).
And it was a TOTAL blast, because we both ended up including each other in the observations (he made a point of waiting until I was home to light the menorah each night of Hannukkah, so I could join in - although his play-by-play translation of the Hebrew was probably not correct, unless 'thanks for being so spiffy, God' is in the Torah), and we both felt free to ask each other "y'know, I've always wondered about this...." questions about each others' holidays."
"Please realize that when you ask a loved one to just suck it up and show up (even if you use more tactful words), you're saying that you don't care whether this person you love enjoys the holiday or not. You're saying that an outward show of family harmony is more important than the person having an enjoyable holiday. If this is the default mode of your family, please be aware that it is counterproductive. It does not lead to family closeness in the case of the reluctant loved one. It can easily lead to feelings of resentment and alienation on his/her part, which then have to be hidden in the interests of family harmony. It doesn't take many years of that for holidays to be something the person dreads, hates, and drags himself/herself through with increasing difficulty. OP, if your son does come and he isn't good company, please please do NOT chide him, cajole him, or in any other way pressure him to put on an act that will make him good company. Tell him you understand that he's not feeling it right now, and if he wants to leave early, he is more than welcome and you are touched and grateful that he did at least come. And mean it. That will do more for your relationship with him than any two hours of superficial cheer."
"When I heard tale of turkeys strutting around suburban Walnut Creek in the early 2000s, I hardly believed it. And when a gang — which, yes, is a technical name for a group of turkeys — appeared near my childhood home in the Forestland neighborhood of the Oakland hills a few years ago, we tossed stale cereal on the ground outside the kitchen window in hopes of seeing fuzzy, speckled poults follow their mother to peck the crumbs from the dirt.
Now when I see the turkeys, I yell. I run at them. I throw rocks in their general direction (I don't have the heart to take better aim and don't really want to hurt them). In return, they stare at me, glassy-eyed, gobbling softly, more annoyed than frightened, before ambling away. Now, their feathers dot my family's property as freely as the pine needles from the trees they roost in.
It's clear that, like me, many East Bay residents no longer view wild turkeys as kindly creatures. They tear up gardens, scratch the paint on shiny cars, raid outdoor pet food bowls, and leave trails of cement-like mounds of poop wherever they go.
A few years ago, they were spotted chasing Segway riders near Lawrence Berkeley National Lab. During mating season, a notoriously dramatic time for turkeys, they have leapt on visitors in Tilden Park. "People have been confronted or chased by the turkeys," said Anthony Fisher, an East Bay Regional Park District naturalist. "It's mostly for show: making noise, flapping wings, and so forth to protect offspring. But there's been physical contact."
And of course....
"There is, for example, practically a category of YouTube videos of people being chased and attacked by turkeys."
"My family waged war on the turkeys more than a year ago in response to a more basic issue: turkey poop. "A turkey turd is huge," Wurth noted. "If you've got fifty or sixty birds standing around your front yard, all pooping, it makes a huge mess."
Experts say there are only a few ways to get rid of the birds — and even those only work if done consistently. Though I live in relatively turkey-free Rockridge, I do my part to scare away turkeys when I visit my family's home in the hills as penance for my cereal-throwing days. The things we have tried: Removing food sources, letting the dog bark at them, making loud noises, spraying water. The things we haven't tried: Erecting fencing (which would be expensive and hard to do on this particular hillside property) and installing a motion-detecting water sprayer (there's a lot of wildlife that comes around and we're in a drought, so it seems pretty impractical). The things we tried halfheartedly despite no evidence that they would work: Procuring a fake owl with a swiveling head (which the turkeys couldn't care less about, and which now resides in the living room), and looking into sprinkling bottled coyote urine (a real thing you can buy at hardware stores or on Amazon) around the property — although it turns out that turkeys have rotten olfactory senses.
"The children have been sharing some joke about the fall decorations, dropping hints that I did not understand at first. When I asked my granddaughter, she told me that the teen couple was worried about her staying a virgin or getting pregnant, so instead of making love they were doing sexual things to each other with the long-necked gourds, and poking holes in the pumpkins, etc."