Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
"I can never tell how to value your professional life over and above your personal life or not when it comes to Hollywood. If you're Maggie on The Newsroom, you have to value your job more than your personal life (there are no field producer jobs in all NYC). If you're the dad with a well-paying job, you have just quit to hang around with the school-aged children (Jim Carrey in "Liar, Liar" or Jim Carrey in "Mr. Popper's Penguins"; it's a Jim Carrey niche)."
A: Alyssa Rosenberg
"This is an excellent question, and one I'm hard-pressed to answer in a way that would be satisfying to me, or to you. I tend to think Hollywood is trying to aim its characters towards some undefined middle ground. You're right to note that men often get educated about the importance of family life, while women sometimes have to be pushed to embrace their careers. At the same time, though, there are a huge number of romantic comedy heroines who need to be taught not to focus on their jobs and open themselves up to the love of a good man. If anything, I might suggest that Hollywood has the same struggles we all do to come up with a workable definition of what it means to have it all. And like us, movies and television tend to define "having it all" as whatever balance we haven't achieved at the moment. Even an industry that's based on engineering our fantasies can't quite figure this one out."
Continued from here. This is gonna be a partial "what's on Hulu that I haven't seen yet" day (season 18, episode, 10, #HappyHolograms) and the episodes on season 15, disc 1 I haven't watched yet (Funnybot, T.M.I, Crack Baby Athletic Association).
Also, while this is happening, I AM GONNA GET DRUNK because I am broke, my car just got out of the shop and we're STILL not sure if it's gonna stop flooding on rainy days, all of which are happening all week again, AND I NEED A LOT OF DRINKING CAUSE I AM WIGGED OUT.
Season 18, episode 10, #HappyHolograms:
It's the third night of Hanukkah and Kyle is grumbling about what's trending on YouTube. Oh yeah, that's the sequel to last week. Kyle is narrating this in rhyme. He's very concerned about the death of the living room.
"What brought families together most was the good ol' TV."
Kyle tweets about how everyone is alone while connected and starts a new trend: #savethelivingroom. Butters dubs it "gay." Kyle wants "good ol' family values." Now who will that attract, I wonder? Republicans?
"Bill Cosby. Is here. To see me."
Bill goes on about his holiday special that's going to air this weekend. UH WAIT.
Uh-oh, Kyle hasn't thought out teaming their hashtags.
WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S A HOLOGRAM.
Randy is complaining to the police about the holograms. "I'm actually Lorde."
"Right. The thing I jacked off to was you."
"We arrested a black man that was snooping around the old Jefferson estate." "Did you choke him?" "Yes." "Did you shoot him?" "Yes." "So what's the problem?
OH, IT'S THAT KIND OF WEEK IN SOUTH PARK.
Dead Michael Jackson. "Are you sure that hologram is black?"
Kyle dusts the dust off Stan's TV so they can all watch the special.
"Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift" are in it. He's offering her a drink.
Michael Jackson's hologram is playing Peter Pan, Cartmanbrah is offering commentary.
There's something for everybody to watch in the Washington Redskins's Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special.
Oh, Cartman's the one that named it. Pretty sure it's not a good name. "It's fucking awesome."-Cartmanbrah
"Blumpkincatchers?" Oh no, someone's giving Cartman all the power he needs. OHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
In the police station, Randy introduces himself to Michael Jackson as "Lorde." Like he'd know who that is.
"How about we say he's mixed race?" "As long as Adams only choked the black half, we should be okay."
"They took my hashtag and they raped it!" -Kyle
Kyle tells Ike to stop watching that commentary. The kindergarteners bitch about old people. KILL THEM ALL NOW.
"A black guy walked into a police station." The cops think it's a joke.
IT'S THE GHOST OF TUPAC. Shoot him and then choke him!
Michael and Lorde and Sharon run for it while everyone pointlessly shoots.
Stan and Kyle pound on Cartman's door. He won't come out, he just commentates.
This "Lorde is my dad" plot gets weirder and weirder every week. "He's like the PewDiePi of music." (No idea if I remember that spelling right from looking it up last week. Or if I care.)
Let's all feel bad that Shelly's teen idol is really her dad.
"But Michael Jackson's hologram is here and we're all going to set the record straight, ok? Love you."
Kurt Cobain's hologram sings Up on the Housetops and then blows his gun...to say Merry Christmas.
#ihatecartmanbrah is trending!
"I've got your son here, Lorde. If you don't cooperate, he dies." Then here comes Tupac. And a bunch of cops. And a tank.
"We believe this is where the black people are. They're holograms, so we can't choke them or shoot them. So stand by until we figure out what the hell to do."
"There's something new trendng. #copscantgoaroundchokingblackpeople." "We know we can't, but we're trying to, jesus! Tell them we're working on it."
"We're not racist."
There's two black guys inside the house. One is threatening the other one. Go ahead.
Iggy Azalea, Elvis, and her ass as a farting snowman head. So weak, indeed.
The exec grumbles about his grandson being a fan of PewDiePi. No matter who I tried to impress him with, all he said was "meh." We will assimilate cultures, dammit!"
"I AM NOT A GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bill and Taylor do "Baby, It's Cold Outside." HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAYLOR SWIFT, TO GET THIS PRESENT.
Everyone hates cartmanbrah. Someone calls that Indian customer service guy for help, but he has no answers.
Now the cops are laughing outside. They still think it's all a joke.
Cartmanbrah is becoming transgender so he can get his own bathroom. Again.
Here come MJ and Tupac.
"Everyone is watching everything." Kyle apologizes to Ike. MJ shoots the exec in the head. With what, a holographic gun with a holographic bullet?
"There's nothing sadder than an old man crying." The kindergarteners suddenly want to help! With the power of believing in.... ????????
Oh lord, it's PewDiePi. That's who they summonned. DON'T DRINK IT TAYLOR.
Oh, pewdiepie. Whatever.
Cartmanbrah is unhappy and is deleted. The show switches to Call of Duty.
Stan and Kyle are by Stark's Pond. Kyle's family is reunited, Stan and Kyle are both confused.
"These people are inventing themselves, rather than being marketed and shoved down our throats."
PewDiePie does the signoff.
And that's probably it for watching Hulu for a bit....meanwhile, I feel so much better after drinking, you have no idea. What was I upset about, again?
Back to season thirteen:
Crack Baby Athletic Association
Jimmy wants to have everyone vote on their favorites and have a comedy awards show.
Oh goody, another mandatory assembly. Jimmy promises it'll be a blast.
Timmy's back singing with the band again.
This is so an excuse for Jimmy to do another show. First award is to funniest kid in school. GEE, I WONDER WHO WILL WIN.
"I can't believe I won!"
There's over 50 awards to hand out! And Jimmy is probably getting all of them somehow. Because Obama didn't show up for the ceremony.
Now there's an award for the LEAST funny people. Germans, Japanese, Yupik Eskimos are the nominees. Germans win! Do you really want to piss them off? Shoulda gone for the Eskimos.
The Kathy Griffin Award goes to the person most likely to show up for it. Here comes Tyler Perry to accept. Token is the only one who laughs.
Jimmy wonders why nobody cared about his award show except for him and Tyler Perry. His dad's not even listening. "What? What?" "Thanks, Dad."
Jimmy's awards made the national news for the Germans bit. UH-OH. "All of Germany is outraged.
The German president tells some jokes. It goes about as well as you'd expect it to. Their retaliation will be swift and brutal.
"Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!" "Do you know what happened to the LAST people the Germans were pissed off at?"
Jimmy thinks they were a success. "You can't even get Tyler Perry to go home."
IT'S THE GERMANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With guns.
Cartman speaks German?
Oh, he's saying they were special ed. He gestures to Kyle. UH-OH. I think he wants them to eat him.
Token, stop laughing at that Madea shit.
A giant...weapon, time machine, something... is brought out. It opens to reveal..... a laser bot. It tells jokes.
"The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down. It pretty much took out the entire trailer park."
"Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on his head."
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts.
The kids love this thing.
The Germans are coming...
Welcome to Hollywood Minute. 2 weeks later, Germans are no longer the least funny people in the world after creating Funnybot. Which has perfect timing.
These jokes are a bit fill in the blank, I suspect. Funnybot matches to a guy in the audience to tell a joke about his bad hair.
Funnybot has a threesome. Awkward!
Now he's doing The Nutty Professor.
Bot On The Run: new movie
Jimmy thinks Funnybot took the humanity out of comedy. Madea agrees. Token laughs. "Token, stop giving Tyler Perry money or he won't go away!"
"I'm glad the Germans are back in Germany and nobody's pissed at us any more." Here comes Adam Sandler and his friends with guns.
Jimmy still thinks his awards show was a good idea even if it put all comedians out of work.
Funnybot is Mad Lib'ing, and then shoots the entire audience. SO THAT'S GOING WELL. Awkward!
Who doesn't want to talk to Funnybot?
There goes Kenny again, potentially. Also, Token is running out of money.
Funny wants to execute last joke ever. Ruh-roh.
EXTERMINATE! IT'S A FUCKING DALEK. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
"Dude, killing everyone isn't funny." "It's kind of funny, you guys." --Cartman
"Mathematical equation of comedy used to be setup, punchline. Today's comedy is setup, punchline, then awkward. Nothing is more awkward than destroying all that which created Funnybot."
"I wouldn't let Adam Sandler suck my saggy tits for one million dollars worth of Oprah's tampons."
All the missiles are going online. Funnybot will nuke you all.
"Prepare for punchline in 5 minutes. Awkwardness in 5.4 minutes."
Even Obama can't help himself from watching Tyler Perry at the end of his life.
Kyle suggests a logic boot to screw up the robot. "Fellas, get me a Ken doll and some Scotch tape," says Jimmy.
Jimmy gives Funnybot a comedy award in validation. That seems to work.
Funnybot is disposed of in a giant pit. Which is filled with cement.
Wait, what?! What were they burying if not Funnybot?!?!
OH, THEY DUMPED MADEA DOWN THERE. No arguments with that. Even Obama agrees. Justice has been done. Jimmy won't thrown another comedy awards-
BUT CARTMAN MIGHT.
Yeah, I suspect I might not like this one. I haven't eaten in hours, so that's a good sign, all I can do is puke up booze, right?
Terminator could be his own father, sez Butters. Is this a dream recap?
"That really happened."
"Skeletor's a lady?"
Cartman runs in, outraged and homicidal. He shakes the table.
Why is he mad? Everyone's penis size has been put up in the hallway after those health tests. That's even better/worse than a slam book episode.
"Eric Cartman: 1.2 inches."
Everyone goes to read. The principal says they'll all be interested in seeing how much they grew from last year!
The poster says "Here we grow!"
WE ARE GOING TO REMEASURE!
Somehow the numbers seem to be boosted. I can't imagine why. Butters is a little chilly.
Where's your weiner, Cartman? He measured it at home. 13.7 inches?!
The ACTUAL boys' penis sizes' poster is erected. Cartman is now a 1.4. He's very happy for the size of his weiner. Really.
In the principal's office: THEY WERE HEIGHT DIFFERENTIALS. NOT PENISES. HEIGHT DIFFERENTIALS.
"You mean everyone knows my weiner is smaller than everyone else's because of ME?" This time, you have done it to yourself!
"My little sunshine has a temper sometimes, but he's not all bad."--Mom Cartman.
The shrink calls Cartman fat. RUH-ROH. Cartman plays with his phone while this happens and doesn't react as the shrink gets worse and worse.
The doctor gets an emergency call. "What fourteen-year-old girl? No, I don't have a criminal record...." "Carol, put down the gun....Carol? CAROL!"
There's now an assembly over this penis thing. "Did they measure from the base or from the balls?" Randy asks.
Since when is Randy a doctor qualified to talk about sex ed to the class?
Randy does the math of penises for the class. We need a scale and a protractor!
At anger management class-- which one of the Goths and City Wok guy are at.
Oh, there's a literal Tea Party guy with tea hanging off his pirate hat.
Get your hand off your crotch, gross little wigger boy.
The shrink kisses Cartman's ass.
The adjusted penis size is called "T.M.I." One girl wants to know what a penis IS.
Example 1: Randy's penis is 4.4 inches long, it's flaccid girth is.... I ain't even recapping all of this sadness.
He claims his penis is an adjusted 6.3 inches.
Daniel, Tea Party Guy.
Chase, pretend to be a stupid-ass blind liberal.
Now they all fight over small penises.
More playacting occurs. Gretchen the lesbian still has a bigger penis than you.
"Does everyone here have an issue with their penis size?" Denial ensues.
An actual doctor is brought in to talk to the class. She has her own math...and then Randy runs in to fight her. And beat the shit out of her.
Welcome, Randy, to the group.
Randy sets fire to his chair.
Then everyone trashes the room.
Welcome to FedEx, where some guy is--NEVER MIND, HERE COME THE ANGRY LOOTERS SETTING FEDEX ON FIRE.
They are now the Pissed Off And Angry Party.
Randy has a lameass list of demands and is setting a woman's hair on fire.
Butters is naked and measuring himself at home. "According to my TMI, I have a micropenis. I'm starting to feel angry!"
All the angry douches of the world with penis cars, RALLY!
There is a direct correlation between math and TMI. More penis math ensues. I'm totally thinking of someone I know who probably fits this....YOU PROBABLY ARE TOO.
On the news, the Surgeon General says the TMI formula is 100% accurate, but they're making a change in the national average. The average is 1.5 now, so above that is ABOVE AVERAGE.
Randy starts to sing a song. All of the world's problems are solved now! Everyone is happy! America is back! Cartman doesn't get it. Also, he still has a small penis and is still fucking angry!
Crack Baby Athletic Association:
Terence and Phillip are farting in front of a giant gold Buddha. Best episode ever!
I didn't spell Terrance right. I have long since stopped caring.
"Oh no, it's that super sad Sarah MacLachlan commercial! Look away!"
It's a crack baby commercial.
"Hi, I'm Sarah MacLachlan. I was famous for two months." Volunteer with crack babies today.
Kyle can't take it any more and is guiilted into volunteering.
Oh no, Cartman is the other volunteer? And he's dressed like a cop? "Why do you have a video camera?"
Is it so hard to believe his heart was touched? Yes.
Kyle spies on Cartman's gang--featuring Butters, Clyde, some other kid. What are they doing? Crack baby basketball.
Oh, sounds more like cock fighting.
"All we do is pit crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack....We're swimming in cash, Kyle."
Baconalia! is offered in this restaurant. Denny's? Cartman gets right in. They get in every night.
"We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle."
Butters sings Boom Boom Pow.
It's also a charity, so it's tax free. It's like volunteering, but we get some on the side! Kyle is sold. Poor Kyle.
Cut to a football game with the other kids. Kyle shows up dressed up and pays Stan back for money.
"Crack baby basketball." "Dude."
Cartman is recruiting a crack momma.
"Just sign the paper and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's."
You're just making up the rules, Cartman. But it has an ethical code! No cash for babies or mommas, but you can have crack. Butters?
Kyle.... tries to logic himself into this. "You sound like Cartman," says Stan. This doesn't stop Kyle immediately, but it does after the second time Stan says it.
The president of EA Sports calls about a video game version.
Kyle is upset that the crack babies don't make money. But they can't receive compensation!
"It's not just a hot tub. Go ahead. Taste it." It's KFC gravy. They bathe in it.
We owe it to the crack babies to be as stress-free as possible. Here, have some fries.
Kyle says slavery is illegal and Cartman says in some cases it is, he'll do some undercover work to find out how other companies get away with it.
Eric Cartman comes in to University of Colorado at Boulder dressed like he's from the South or something and goes on about being a slave owner. What is this, 1860?
"Like yourself, I am also in the slave trade."
Cartman refers to a photo of the basketball team and offers money for "student athletes." How do you get away with not paying them? Hmmmm.
Kyle is still trying to justify himself to Stan, even as Stan is trying to sleep.
Slash cannot be tracked down. He's everywhere.
Kyle wants to use 30% of the money for a crack baby orphanage. It's genius, Kyle! It's like moral Teflon!
Slash lives nowhere. Don't you ever wonder how he can be everywhere at the same time? Like Santa, he's not real--Hey, wait, that's up to parents to tell!
"Oh dear, Clyde's asking about Slash."
Kyle is still justifying. The other kids break the news that Slash isn't real. He's based on a Dutch saint. Then who played at Cartman's birthday party?
"You guys are ten years old and you just figured out that Slash isn't real? Oh my god." --Stan
The kids did get screwed out of the crack baby money by EA.
Kyle: still justifying to himself. Oh, look, there's an orphanage for crack babies after all.
Here's the end of season 14! With THE episodes I"ve been looking forward to all along! And after this, I have a mere 17 episodes (plus whatever's left to put up of season 18) to go!
Coon 2: Hindsight
Coon vs. Coon and Friends
Coon 2: Hindsight
Coon has friends?
"We want to be called the Extreme Adventure League."
Mysterion! Human Kite! Iron Maiden! (Timmy!)
Ms. Berry Crunch? Oh, MINT Berry Crunch. "I get that you're half man and half berry...."
Coon-O-Vision (and friends)
But not you, Mint Berry Crunch!
"Mom, don't talk to us like that, we're fucking superheroes!"
Who's that in the sky? It's Captain Hindsight! With an eye on his ass! A former reporter with extraordinary hindsight (and flying powers).
I'm not sure that's helping NOW, Captain Hindsight. "They shouldn't have built that there...Looks like my job is done." "Thank you, Captain Hindsight! Let's pack it up!"
Okay, which superhero was Stan again? Toolshed, I guess? Yup. "Who took all my tools?"
Professor Chaos is locked up with a full bucket of poop to eat. LOVELY, COON.
Oh goody, BP just spilled some oil. "Oh, don't tell me we did it again!"
The Coon and Friends alert goes off at Kenny's. Kenny leaves.
Captain Hindsight is super helpful.
Cartman dresses as a lawyer and goes to see Captain Hindsight.
"You have been pre-approved to join Coon and Friends!" He's even had his dues pro-rated for three months or something. He should be very excited.
Watch Tony Hayward pet a baby seal while apologizing.
"How do we get naked pictures of him naked with Courtney Love?"
"Please, fellas, don't make me be Courtney Love!" --Butters.
Mosquito suggests a bake sale.
Coon is outvoted on that bake sale. "To the grocery store!" They all slo-mo walk in formation.
And now he's doing a slow-motion beatdown on Mosquito with his wolverine claws And goes for Mint Berry Crunch.
Everyone sits silently at a table.
Uh-oh, BP just ripped a hole into another dimension. They didn't think it'd be a problem to release krakens or whatever.
Watch Tony Hayward say "We're sorry," while petting a puppy.
Uh-oh, looks like that bad Photoshop happened after all.
Captain Hindsight is missing! Who can save the Gulf now? COON AND FRIENDS.
Nobody wants to tell Coon that he's being kicked out of Coon and Friends. It was a unanimous vote.
"But we get the headquarters and all of the equipment."
Also, your mom agreed. "Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I?"
"Oh dear, we have certainly pooped our trousers this time!" "Oh, what a right pickle we're in!" --BP board
The solution to everything is MOAR DRILLING!
I'm not even sure if I can ID all of the friends out of costume. Clyde as Mosquito? (I can't tell that kid apart). Blonde kid that isn't Butters that is clearly Mint Berry Crunch, Token, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, TIMMY.
Cthulhu has now been unleashed. Of course. 3,000 years of darkness!
I'm still not sure what some of these costumes are. Interesting how Iron Maiden gets down the stairs somehow.
Coon goes out too. "Assholes!"
Okay, I wasn't as excited by this as I thought I would be.
Mysterion is 9 years old and has his own comic book. He recaps in comic book form.
Unlike them, I have a power....MYSTERION RISES (and rises and rises, I'm guessing)
Cut to the bake sale.
Is Kyle the Human Kite?
(Iron Maiden) TIMMY!
"Mysterion, if Cartman's gone, why are we still calling ourselves Coon and Friends?" "Because it pisses him off, and I find that deeply funny."
I LOVE YOU, MYSTERION.
"The dark lord Cthulu has shat on the New Orleans airport...."
Cartman meets a fangirl of Mint Berry Crunch. He beats her up.
"As people looked on and cheered at the Coon...." I don't think so.
Captain Hindsight ransacked the lair and is pointing a gun at the Friends.
Mysterion explains the blackmail.
Mysterion puts his head up to the gun and dares him to shoot. "Kenny. Chill out." Let me deal with this prick, just go!
I LOVE YOU, KENNY MYSTERION. I love that the show is acknowledging his superpower finally.
Coon calls to Cthulhu. "Hey, Cthulhu, what's up. We're not so different even though I'm a superhero and you're a dark god from another dimension."
Of COURSE Cartman wants to enslave everyone.
He sics Cthulhu on the Friends. "Colorado is that way! Where are you going!"
Captain Hindsight pouts and drinks.
You think YOU'RE cursed?
"I CAN'T DIE."
Every time, he wakes up in his bed and nobody remembers seeing him being decapitated. DAMN.
Someone pull this man away from the camera, please.
Nobody knows what to do! Except whine and mope.
"Screw that, I'm just going to be a fucking dick." --Cartman.
Uh-oh, Kenny's parents have been arrested. "What the fuck?" ahem, deep voice, "What the fuck?"
Clyde, take the garbage out!
"Who's a sleepy little man?" --Cartman to Cthulhu.
Mysterion asks about the cult of Cthulhu that they went to get free beer at. They don't remember much.
"Did that really just happen?" "I don't think so." --Kenny's parents.
Coon has a press conference about his merger with Cthulhu.
The kids watch the cult meeting and recognize people. Like the Goth kids.
Mysterion? Where did he go? He's so mysterious.
Still no sign of Captain Hindsight.
"That which is not dead cannot eternal lie." What does it mean?
"It means Cthulhu is gonna get rid of all the posers and make everything all cool and black and stuff." *tosses hair*
The little Goth has a knife. "Dude, that little kid is hardcore Goth."
"The Dark Lord wants us to dispose of this one." Wait, what, we have to kill people? What did you think we'd be doing? Whatevs.
This Cthulhu anime song is just the cutest!!!!!!!
Sharing adventures and smiles! Killing hippies! Sending all my stupid friends to oblivion!
Coon and Friends to the rescue! Let him go or we'll totally tell our parents on you!
Too late, Mysterion dies. They killed Kenny! You bastards!
Kenny wakes up, everyone thinks he ran away and they come to get him.
Coon vs. Coon and Friends:
The Amazing Mintberry Crush has his own comic too.
BRADLEY is Mintberry's real name. His superpeower is spinning and saying the magic word Shablagoo!
Bring the Crunch!
"You're half man and half berry?" "Right!" "Then what is your superpower?" ...
"That's not really a superpower." Just to clarify: Toolbox has mental powers over tools, Human Kite can fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes, ...what's your superpower, Mysterion?
"I. CAN'T DIE." "Oh, good one. And Iron Maiden is indestructible-" ""No, I'm serious. I REALLY, REALLY CAN'T DIE."
Mysterion explains last night's death. "I die all the time and you assholes never remember!" "I think we would remember, dude."
Mintberry Crunch peed his pants.
Kyle is all, what's the big deal? "DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE?" "IT'S NOT PRETTY COOL. IT FUCKING HURTS!"
Mysterion kills himself in front of everyone and they flip out. Try to remember this time!
Cut over to the Coon comic. He claims his friends turned evil.
The Coon's mother grounds him. "I must use the LeBron James technique." What should I do? What should I do?
Mysterion wants to know where his powers come from by talking to the cult.
Mosquito was bitten by a mosquito. Tupperware was in an accident and put together by Tupperware parts. TIMMY!
Coon shows up. And LeBrons. "You should fuck off, that's what you should do."
"There's a double rainbow outside. You gotta come see!" Professor Chaos wants to see it!
Everyone got lured out, dumbasses!
Cthulhu shows up.
Superman never teamed up with Lex Luthor!
All the kids get banished to another dimension. "THAT WAS AWESOME!"
Coon checks off his list. On to Burning Man!
Meanwhile, in another dimension.... Mysterion thinks it's familiar.
Back to Mintberry Crunch's comic.... He's home watching Judge Judy. Heroically. He bravely, BRAVELY ran away.
To find help at home, Kenny jumps into a pit of spikes and dies. "You...you crazy bastard!"
KENNY WAKES UP AT HOME! It worked! I love this. I love this so hard.
He grabs another outfit from his closet and runs by his parents.
On to Burning Man! Yeah, that's pretty much what it looks like, all right.
Coon wants credit. "Bruce Vilanch has arrived on the scene, wearing a raccoon costume." Zap that reporter!
The Goth kids are bored at home. Still. "I thought at least school would be canceled."
"Oh joy, it's underwear guy again."
"It's like Obama all over again."
Mysterion wants to know how to fight him.
OH, BRADLEY IS THE LITTLE BRO OF HENRIETTA. And recognizes Mysterion. And runs away. His full name is Bradley Biggle. Shablagoo!
Everyone reads the Necronomicon.
"You've been to the nighmare city or Ryleh?" "Lucky...."
"The only thing that can destroy an immortal is another immortal." OMG.
"Mintberry Crunch isn't afraid of his fat sister! Grab her legs, Mysterion! Oh crap. Mysterion, wait up!"
Mintberry wants to know where his powers come from, too!
Cut to the Coon comic. Moving on to Whole Foods. "No more organic crap for America."
"In order to save the earth, this little butthole had to be stopped." --Bieber, of course, is that butthole.
Mysterion chews Coon out.
Cthulhu has a T-shirt on now.
"Take this curse away from me, you big pussy!"
Cthulhu scolds Coon, and cuddles him, and lets him sit on his back like a kitty.
"Come baaaack!" "Come back, you fat piece of shit!"
And here comes.... God? No, I think that's some weird pop star.
Kenny is an unpronoucable name and is from another planet. He was sent here to stop evil from taking over the Earth and now that time has come.
Oh, wait, that's for MINTBERRY CRUNCH. Yes, there's an explanation for that power.
Mintberry is Clark Kent?
Mintberry flies off to Cthulhu. "I hear you haven't been berry nice." He showers him with berries and mint. Mintberry claims in the comic book he dragged him back to the earth and rescued his friends and sealed up the hole.
"Fuck you! I have powers, you fat bitch!" --Mintberry to Henrietta.
Coon and Professor Chaos are in jail now. "You got poop, don't ya?"
Mintberry flies off.
Mysterion kills himself again so he can go to bed.
His mom wakes up and suddenly gives birth to another baby Kenny. They put him in the suit and put him in bed.
"We should never have gone to that stupid cult meeting."
Continuing from here with the DVD of season 14 of the 4 out of 5 episodes I haven't seen yet:
Poor and Stupid
On the DVD it starts with this: "The following episode appears as it originally aired on April 21, 2010. After it aired Matt Stone and Trey Parker released the following statement: "In the 14 years we've been doing South Park we have never done a show that we couldn't stand behind. We delivered our version of the show to Comedy Central and they made a determination to alter the episode. It wasn't some meta-joke on our part. Comedy Central added the bleeps. In fact, Kyle's customary final speech was about intimidation and fear. It didn't mention Muhammad at all but it got bleeped too."
Saigon 1972, it's the time of the season. Cartman narrates that Saigon is a hell of a place. Oh, fuck, it's the hand puppet again.
"So how'd I end up here, with a nine-year-old kid who wants to know who his father is?"
Garrison won't tell, but he knows who knows.
Muhammad's name is being bleeped out in this episode, despite that they said it perfectly well in the last episode.
Muhammad is Santa Claus. OF COURSE HE IS.
Yes, all the bleeping is distracting.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of the Super Best Friends, Buddha is still doing coke and Jesus has Internet porn.
CASA BONITA IS UNDER ATTACK BY MECHA-STREISAND!
Oh god, Mephisto is still adding asses to animals. I can't say I've missed him one bit.
Oh no, Cartman is now doing Chef as a hand puppet. I'm gonna cry.
And it plays the race card.
Oh, Pip is back! And now he's gone.
The Legion of Doom is Tom Cruise's house.
Kenny has been watching CENSORED.
"Remember how we got an elephant to make love to a pig?" Kyle has the solution so that the gingers and celebrities can get what they want!
Mr. Slave is back.
The Super Best Friends have Segways. Jesus throws a halo. "Smith! Try your ice breath!"
Hey, Mephisto, can you clone CENSORED? Then everyone can get one! (Good idea, actually.)
"Nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is!"
Moses is called for help. He suggests Neil Diamond.
The Super Best Friends can't stop laughing at Seaman puns.
'STOP TALKING WITH YOUR STUPID HAND."
Uh-oh, Mephisto let in the gingers.
And the gingers are willing to make a deal.
Who's the head ginger.... SCOTT TENORMAN. Welcome to the Chili Con Carnival.
Jesus has the power of super carpentry and built a stage for Neil Diamond. Krishna transforms into him.
Scott knows the name of Cartman's father!
The goo machine is being used on CENSORED and Tom Cruise. "I can feel the power to not be ridiculed flowing through my veins!"
Tom Cruise is now CENSORED too. "Ooh, you lucky fucker," says the Pope.
Cartman's mom is also imprisoned, as well as all the other potential fathers and a bunch of gingers.
It's the Super Best Friends vs. celebrities and gingers.
Cartman's dad was a Bronco, at least. And you can't meet him....
BECAUSE YOU KILLED HIM. SCOTT TENORMAN IS YOUR BROTHER.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOW EAT YOUR CHILI!
The entire battle invades.
"Hey, look, Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back." The CENSORED power wears off.
Scott flies off on a rocket. "Who's the creepy ginger kid?"
Kyle's entire "I learned something today" speech was just bleeped out for like a minute. WHAT THE FUCK, COMEDY CENTRAL?
Jesus's speech too. And Santa's.
"All right people, let's start rebuilding our town! For the thirty-ninth time!"
Cartman is crying on a stretcher. "MY DAD WAS A GINGER!"
"Dude. You killed your own dad and you're worried about that?"
He's half ginger AND half Denver Bronco. "You gotta be kidding me!"
Oh thank god, there goes the hand puppet.
Tom Cruise can't go anywhere where he won't be ripped on. Kyle knows of a place!
The moon. With the dead whale. Fakeout for Imaginationland!
"This program contains subject matter and language that may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer dis-cre-tion is advised."
Aw fuck, it's the towel.
In a documentary about addiction. He doesn't know he's about to get an intervention.
"Towelyey" is how he spells his own name.
He offers to suck dicks.
The kids are on video about it. Butters cries.
Lake Tardicaca: Camp for the Handicapped.
"The towel isn't here. I think it's off getting high again." Towelie has a summer camp job.
"He has been given warnings for getting high fourteen times."
Blue Team vs. Red Team. Blue Team always wins. The Red Team is run by a little mobster and his dumb muscle Mimsy.
Towelie throws up on a kid.
Towelie's girlfriend got pregnant and had a little washcloth.
"I haven't been high since Wednesday! Oh, it's Wednesday?"
This is very Warner Bros. to drop a black mamba in Jimmy's canoe.
Nathan is the mob boss kid.
The black mamba's in the RED canoe. "The odds of the Red Team now winning the canoe race are now 1 in 19."
Towelie just gave a blow job. He's fired.
"We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money."
Let's get Jimmy killed by Native Americans.
Send them to the reservation (and the homicidal Tardicacas) via scavenger hunt map.
SWITCH THE MAP, MIMSY. Guess how well that's gonna go.
Towelie inhales computer duster. "It's not illegal, bitch!"
2000 cans a day.
"It's like I'm walking on sunshine!" When will this towel die already?
"Go away, I"m walking on sunshine!"
Let's get Jimmy eaten by a shark.
Yes, there is a Tardicaca Shark,a freshwater shark, in Colorado.
I'm sure this plan of sending Mimsy into the water won't be a problem at all.
Jimmy surfs with crutches. (Dunno why you need them in the water.)
"Mimsy was supposed to blow the shark whistle while still under the water. There appears to have been a fundamental misunderstanding."
"Mimsy's error has caused a Lake Shark to come onto the beach and mate with Nathan. The Tardicaca Lake Shark's penis is nine inches long."
Kyle: "Over the past few months I have watched you go from an ancillary character with a few amusing catchphrases to a dried-out spooge rag covered in the jizz of a thousand older men."
Cartman takes the opportunity to chew out Kyle and the Jews.
Talent show. Half a pound of C4 has been planted in Jimmy's ukulele.
"If in fact the Jews truly are shapeshifters...." Cartman has a giant pile of papers of this crap.
Stan keeps it short: if you don't go to treatment, we'll all ignore you forever.
Butters breaks out the washcloth.
Jimmy didn't play the right note in the ukulele solo.
Mimsy, maybe you can show him how it's done...
His plan has literally backfired on him. Then here comes the black mamba, Native Americans, and fucking shark.
Crying goes on at the intervention. He'll go for the sake of Washcloth.
Jimmy was crowned King of Cripple Camp, but he gives his crown to an injured Nathan. Nathan hates him.
Towelie goes to rehab. He has now been sober since April 26.
"If you know a towel that is suffering from addiction, please go to www.restorestephenbaldwin.org."
Poor and Stupid:
Is this a Kenny episode? I bet it's a Kenny episode.
Cartman is crying in the hall. He doesn't like thinking about what he wants to be when he grow up, because he wants to be something he never can be. What, a decent person?
No, NASCAR driver.
"NASCAR is only for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes." What?
Here comes Kenny, the NASCAR fan.
"I believe you're a broke, ignorant idiot!" Cartman will now chase a dream. At Butters's house.
First, Cartman's giving Butters all of his money so he can be poor like Kenny.
NASCAR is totally being respected as a respected, legitimate sport.
Butters has donated $58 worth of canned food and blankets to NASCAR. "I helped the needy!"
Cartman is hanging off the couch upside down while watching TV. Two and a Half Men.
"You're poor as shit!"
Vagisil ad comes on, it offers short term memory loss. "OMG, Butters, we need Vagisil!"
"Which one do I use to kill brain cells!" Butters is buying, except he didn't bring money either. Cartman just eats it in the store.
Butters calls a driver out of his car by saying the man's wife was raped. Cartman steals the car.
Cartman doesn't drive the car. Or have any clue how to drive, I guess. Crashing occurs.
Cartman pouts in the hospital.
The doctor verifies that Cartman is an idiot. Maybe he lost because he wasn't poor enough?
A NASCAR fan got high on Vagisil, crashed his car.... making fans look stupid. Kenny objects to this.
Cartman realizes that poor people buy shit anyway and that's how they stay poor.
"I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth."
Some guy from Vagisil comes to thank Cartman and he has a present for him...a racecar! Aw sweet! Child-sized cockpit too.
Cartman is incoherent at a press conference.
Cartman did a shitty bigoted podcast (which is a video). He also dips Vagisil.
Butters is his pit boss.
Poor Patti, the Vagisil muse.
Kenny isn't allowed to bring a sniper rifle onto the track. "You might be able to buy one in the gift shop."
Cartman still can't drive.
That poor wife.
Kenny jumps on the car and bangs on the windshield.
Kenny flies off the car and.... the other cars die. Only the Vagisil car remains. "This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris."
Patti the wife has left. She hops in a car and decides to drive it. MUAHAHAHAH PATTI.
The husband thinks he can talk her out of this.
Cartman crashes thanks to Patti. Patti wins!!!!!
Kenny is still alive! And Cartman apologizes for being too smart and rich for NASCAR.
Cartman wants his money back.
Wendy wants to talk. Uh-oh. "When a chick says she wants to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude." As a chick, I cannot argue with this.
Wendy has learned about hoarding. "Stan, we need to talk about your locker."
A professional is brought in to help.
Stan won't even throw out the maggoty sandwich. THIS IS TOTALLY SOMETHING MY EX'S GRANDMA DID.
Stan is sent to Mr. Mackey, who's also taken up hoarding. "What's that?"
"IF YOU THROW THAT AWAY I WILL RAPE YOU IN THE FUCKING MOUTH!" So that went well.
Stan is class 3 hoarder, Mr. Mackey is a stage 5.
Now they go to that guy (Mr. Yellman) who's hoarding sheep. Or is possibly a shepherd, given his outfit.
Mr. Yellman attempts to explain and gets nowhere. Now all three of them are gonna get hypnotized.
Mackey flashes back to his childhood bully. Wait, how come all three of them are now hiding in the closet with child-Mackey?
His vision sucked the other two in. Randy thinks that's stupid.
While a professor explains, the other guy...is beatboxing? What?
Child-Mackey goes to his room and plays with Lite-Brite.
There's a "Snoopey" poster.
Randy's going in!
Meanwhile, the others want the hell out.
Randy is a butterfly. Did you come in to help me? "I was gonna, but this is fun!"
"I'm gonna find me some butterfly poon!"
And here comes Leonardo and his gang.
I never saw Inception. THIS SHIT IS WHY. IT SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID.
"Just because an idea is overly convoluted and complex doesn't make it cool!" -Sharon, amen.
Uh-oh, here comes Woodsy Owl.
Leonardo's crew comes in and shoots.
The fire department has been called. They really don't get this shit.
"Fireman have the ability to bring a ladder into another person's dream."
The pizza guy shows up and goes in.
Yeah, I wasn't looking forward to this episode and now I REALLY am not. Seven minutes left to go.
Oh god, they're getting help from Freddy Krueger, the world's best dream infiltrator.
He has a wife and kids.
"Like you needed me to kill those teenagers to stop the Russians?"
Mackey faces his bullies...and then all of them get shot.
Mackey's real trauma was getting molested by Woodsy Owl.
Woodsy attacks! And can't be shot! Woodsy kills the shepherd.
"There's a real hoot for you, Woodsy!" Freddy gets him.
Now let's move on to Stan's therapy...but he'd rather just clean.
Continued from here. I've got a season 14 DVD here with me tonight, let's catch up on the few episodes off of it I haven't seen yet:
The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs
The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs:
Yeah, from the title alone I'm already not having high hopes, as a vagina-owner. But also, a title like this is clearly not meant for me because I'm not the intended audience, so bitch should shut up, amirite?
It's time to read Catcher In The Rye! It's off the banned books list and it's HELLA DIRTY, Y'ALL. Cartman wants to read it RIGHT AWAY.
Way to get people to read, Mr Garrison! You've actually done something right for education for a change!"
"You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? CAN WE PLEASE READ THIS RIGHT NOW?!" --Cartman
"You will all be mature about its adult themes and language!" "Awwww!"
Cut to home: "Did you get to any dirty parts yet?" "No, it's some whiny teenager talking about how lame he is."
Stan doesn't get it. "All he's done is say shit and fuck a few times."
Cartman has read it all. He is displeased. "I just read a book! For nothing!" Why was this book banned? Kenny agrees.
Cut to Butters. "KILL JOHN LENNON." I don't know where you got that from, kid, but it's too late now.
Let's write our own banned book! We can do so much better! And here's the episode title. I am more excited now.
A sweet little montage of writing and laughter plays. Cartman's not even singing in it! It's instrumental!
Uh-oh, Sharon just found the book in Stan's underwear drawer. She throws up. FAST FORWARD, FAST FORWARD, I'M EATING WHILE WATCHING THIS.
WHAT WAS I THINKING TO DO THAT. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW.
Butters's brain has been infected by the desire to kill phonies.
Butters is being blamed for writing it in a blackout? Now everyone loves it and wants to publish it. WTF.
"So far nobody has been able to get through the first paragraph without vomiting." FAST FORWARD, FAST FORWARD. It's changing the literary world, though!
Here he comes! Everyone applaud! Now he has glasses!
MORE VOMITING, FAST FORWARD.
"There are no underlying themes!" Nobody believes the boys about this.
Butters is working on the next raunchy yet deep voice of a generation, or whatever.
"I can't believe they won't ban our book!"
"I know what we've got to do. We've got to kill Sarah Jessica Parker."
The sequel is out! It's called "The Poop That Had A Pee." Morgan Freeman is reading it. I notice a slight decline in the writing quality here.
Someone just shot the Kardashians and blamed it on the sequel.
"All because one little prick had to write a book." Butters is yelled at on television. He cries.
"My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed!" Hey, wait, wasn't "The Hobbit" written after this?
Butters swears to never write again. Which is good because.... oh, Cartman.
Yeah, not my episode, what with all the vomit. Making fun of Catcher never gets old, though.
Incidentally, the deleted scenes from this episode on the disc are great.
Chocolate factory visit.
"I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad."
Let's rehash a bunch of crap.
"Hey, check it out, Tom Cruise is a fudge packer." But he isn't! He's fly-fishing!
"Dude, you are in a fudge factory, packing fudge."
Tom's gonna sue.
Tom has rounded up every celebrity that South Park has insulted.
South Park is a bunch of bigots.
Let's band together against them!
Tom Cruise has a lot of closets (and no bathroom).
What did Stan do now? Everyone's ganging up against him.
201 celebrities are suing the bejeezus out of South Park! It means the end of this town!
Tom might call off the lawsuit if you bring Muhammad the prophet here. "That's...tricky."
If he appears here, we'll get bombed! Has enough time passed that we can try it again? How do we find him? We don't know what he looks like.
Oh, Stan saw him once in David Blaine's cult. "Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends."
And there was no violence at all among the Super Best Friends?
DON'T SHOW THE SKETCH, RANDY!
It's a stick figure. Is that okay to show? I guess we'll see.
Who is the only person on the world who hasn't been ridiculed? Muhammad. Could we harness that power?
OH JESUS DON'T BRING BACK THE JLO HAND PUPPET SHIT AGAIN HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE
Super Best Friends! Censored! Leaders of the world's biggest religions.
The SBF decline the offer, they can't risk the violence.
No exceptions can be made.
"Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids!"
Is he allowed to have his voice heard? Let's ask Moses if we can hide him in a U-Haul. "I guess that would be okay."
Tom has a machine at the ready to steal that ability from Muhammad.
I refuse to recap any of this hand puppet shit.
"Oh god, you found my fudge packing uniform."
Muhammad is hiding in the U-Haul. He just said "You're welcome." Is that ok? I don't know.
How are we going to get him into Tom Cruise's limo?
Let's try a giant costume...or something? I forget now.
Muhammad is in a giant bear mascot outfit. Now we're going to get bombed if we give him to Tom Cruise.
Or never mind, the limo just got blown up before Muhammad got into it.
Some other group wants to steal Muhammad for his power...and it's the GINGERS!
Still not recapping the hand crap.
"I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we're going to have to hand you over to the gingers."
Time to call....HER. Which is, of course, the Mecha Streisand. With much better animation this time.
"Power her up! Release the kraiken!" (I"m guessing on that spelling.)
Some bad anime music plays.
Cartman demands to talk to Mr. Hat about who his father REALLY is.
"PUT IT ON. DO THE VOICE." Now two hand puppets are talking to each other. Oh god.
Oh no, the gingers want him out of the bear costume! (Oh, come on, like any of you could prove it.)
"Your father was in the room the day of your DNA test. But the results were tampered with."
Eh....not my favorite most of the time here either. That damn hand puppet crap outta Cartman.
The deleted scene for this one is good also. Eric has a tea party and yells at his mom.
Windemere, Florida, Thanksgiving 2009: Tiger's now ex-wife Elin is smashing up dinner with his club. Oh, the memories.
They're screaming and she's hitting and he's popping pills. I don't think they can do a Swedish accent.
Cartman and Kenny are playing this as a game on Xbox.
"Hit X to lie." "I didn't know sports games were this cool."
So, why are rich, successful men going out and sleeping with lots of women? I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.
Of course it's sex addiction.
"Of course we know a healthy male only thinks of sex once in a while...."
Time to implement health screenings in elementary school.
Kenny likes the dirty sex photo that just got flashed to the class, of course.
"Do they all got a hedge like that?" asks Butters.
There was a handkerchief? Only Wendy and Cartman noticed. Kyle, Stan, and Butters didn't notice there was one.
"I'm afraid you have tested positive for sex addiction."
"Our nice lady with the handkerchief test is extremely comprehensive and through."
These kids will probably die via autoerotic asphyxiation. Even Kenny hasn't heard about that.
Yup, Kenny just died via autoerotic asphyxiation. He HAD to try it.
Butters is still fixated on bushes.
Back to the golf game--Stan and Cartman are playing Tiger and Elin hitting each other with clubs.
"I got the pre-nup power-up."
Sex addict meeting! Check that stance there.
Celebrities: Letterman, Clinton, Sheen, Kyle and Butters.
Huh, have I mixed up Stan with Kyle in this recap? I'm awake way too early in the morning involuntarily.
"Mr. Duchovny, please stop jacking off."
Watching chimps. "I'm going to give it a lot of money." Yup, now the chimp is a rapist.
Here comes a chmp in a pink coat and aviator glasses, hitting the rapist with a rolling pin.
"What's it doing now?" "Making a public apology on its talk show."
Butters is making a bonsai tree.
AVOID GETTING CAUGHT, GUYS.
"When they ask you for money, pay them," --Letterman.
Kyle suggests taking responsibility for their actions.
"We've got a turd in the punch bowl." --The instructor calls on Kyle.
Sex addicts will make sure they become rich so they can start having sex with women. It's something on the 100 dollar bills....
What happens in Independence Hall...aliens? Obama thinks he knows. It's the aliens from 1947 with a virus. "It's the only explanation that makes any sense."
Elin and Tiger Game, Round Three.
"As soon as it's dead, everything will make sense." What? They're going to kill that alien.
"We have to find the wizard alien and break his spell."
A SWAT team member tries to talk sense into people about how we're all alpha males who screw everything they can.
"We have a turd in the punch bowl." --Obama. "Where are you taking me?"
"This is the boy I told you about. And his friend Bummers." BUMMERS!
Maybe Kyle can draw the alien out! Here are some guns.
That alien is clearly some dude in a giant head. The kids can't shoot.
Oh, never mind, they got it.
"Look! The sex addiction! It's leaving my body!"
Kyle and Butters have medals. Butters never want to see bush again. He paid a lady to see it and he was unimpressed.
Tiger claims he can now be faithful.
The kids are now stuck playing a regular golf game. "Golf is stupid again."
Season 15, episode 13: A History Channel Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is 2 weeks away and a real Native American is here. David Running Horse Sawinkski and he's 1/16th Indian. And blonde.
"Thanksgiving is about murder?" --Butters.
The kids have to write a report. Let's watch the History Channel for this.
The first Thanksgiving may have been visited by aliens!
Nobody mentioned that aliens WEREN'T there....
Where did stuffing come from, space?
3 out of 4 kids want to do their report on aliens. Stan caves in.
Oh god, Cartman, nobody wants to hear about periods out of you again. God already cleared that up.
Here come the creepy secret government men.
The government thinks it's suspicious that the kids know the same things about aliens that the History Channel does.
Butters is watching One Direction. Dad makes him watch the History Channel-- Monster Quest, Hairy Bikers, Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving.
Kyle is a professor of Thanksgiving at DeVry?!
Kyle is quoted way out of context.
Here comes David Running Horse to complain and shoot Kyle. Here come the helicopters.
Plymouth Rock must be some kind of wormhole.
"Well, at least we weren't outsmarted by a 9-year-old kid. Pilgrims couldn't be from space."
Oh, uh, never mind, here comes the lightning. And a Pilgrim.
Aliens are from a distant planet called Plymouth. It looks pretty.
The Indians want to take all their stuffing.
"I haven't gone shoppies yet." Cartman's mom actually talks like this.
Cartman is flipped out about a massive stuffing shortage.
Pilgrims vs. Indians are at war.
Now a Pilgrim is fighting David in the kids' living room.
David vaporizes. "He was not" (an Indian). "I didn't think so."
The Pilgrim asks Kyle to help him get back to his planet.
Natalie Portman is helping them out.
Kyle is sad because he was wrong on the ancient aliens thing.
There are five planets: Earth, Plymouth, Indi, something I can't spell, and Green Lantern World, i.e. "this planet nobody really cares about." There's a wormhole network, but now they're all at war again.
"For he who controls the stuffing, controls the universe."
Sound the corn horn! We must abandon Plymouth! The stuffing mines are ours!
Natalie Portman controls the wormhole! She doesn't want to open it.
"You must know how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole."
Kyle and Natalie go on a date.
Okay, now she'll open it. I'm afraid to know what's going on back there. Yeah, it's between her legs.
Was the first Thanksgiving also HAUNTED?
Season 17, episode 7: Black Friday
Mall cops are getting a lecture.
Last year 26 people died and 400+ were seriously injured.
Randy is too stupid to realize what he got himself into.
Meanwhile, Cartman is dressed as a wizard. He needs to speak with Lady McCormick. Who's that?
Everyone's all dressed up for this meeting. Kenny is...a girl now?
The first 30 people in the mall get 80% off whatever they want.
"Black Friday? That can't be real."
"We do douse ourselves in pig blood because it helps us slip through the doors."
"In honor of our daughter, we're going to step on some other girl's head this year."
The kids practice with swords.
Is Black Friday really that bad? "I saw a woman pick up her daughter by the ankle and swing her into some guy's head."
Butters wants to know how come only gay guys are showing their weiners. Is that less threatening to women viewers?
"I could do with a little less gay weiner, is all."
Some conflict has erupted about which next gen gaming system they are all going after.
Uh-oh, we're divided now. Stan is a PS4 traitor. He's crying now.
"Winter is coming, Sharon, and I'm a sneaky little bee. Buzz buzz." --Randy
Cartman is forced to recruit Star Trek people for his Xbox cause. Nerd wars, man.
"All I get is weiner, weiner, weiner." --Butters on Game of Thrones
Also, why aren't the men hard? Because soft men isn't threatening, just like a gay weiner.
"Butters, you seem to be somewhat obsessed with weiners."
It's Stop Touching Me Elmo. He puts his hand on your knee and says "fun things."There's also a toothpaste dispenser in his crotch. DAMN.
There's a separate Black Friday line so regular people can do their normal shopping. They're lining up for Elmo.
Stan and company are trying to recruit the Goth kids for their side. The Goth kids will just wait until they become cheaper and more available.
"Sorry, I guess we just don't care enough."
"You have a strong influence over the rest of the men, Lady McCormack....Do we understand each other?"
"This is my garden and I'm sick of you kids dressing up and discussing betrayal in it!"
The glee club, jocks, kindergartners, Harry Potter nerds....all for Xbox. All we got was book club.
What would they do on Game of Thrones? Time for a sex scene outta nowhere.
Some Japanese guy sees Cartman's flier. He is displeased.
The mall will no longer allow people to line up until Thanksgiving night. Please take a wristband. OH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
A security guard gets shanked. "I'm getting my son that Elmo doll, you fuck!"
Randy just took the job so he could jump the line on Black Friday.
Oh, that guy had a FAKE MISSING EYE SCAR. "Take this..."
The winner of the console wars WILL be decided! All hail the princess! Lady McCormick! Who switched sides!
End of part one, but I have to leave right now...so more later.
"As soon as we start filming, he is utterly respectful and says not a damn thing about the costume. We joke that the set we are shooting on, a parked bus on a sound stage, is boiling hot. Andre Braugher, who plays Captain Ray Holt, joins in on our convo and then we three start laughing about something: I can't remember what. What I do remember is how those two men made me feel. I felt utterly respected I their presence. I felt like an equal."
"ecause I lay in the dark of my dressing room and listen to the actor I know and love from Homicide and Glory sing “I been drankin’” and all is right with the world."