Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
"I wrote a sketch where I actually made botulism, which… All you have to do is put pork in a jar of water and leave it out with oxygen inside the jar. It’s actually, like, a serious poison. And then I was terrified because… I mean, how do you get rid of a bowl of botulism? I don’t remember what I did to get rid of it!
And I can’t find The Paget Show on YouTube anywhere, either, which is probably good, because I looked like Ralph Macchio—I had a flattop—but they dressed me in, like, Cosby sweaters.
When I joined as Frankie Dart for season six, Harmon wrote a line where Frankie was trying to reach Debra, the IT lady in the basement, and Frankie says, “I call, but I just hear a strange echo and a high-pitched whine, and then my nose starts bleeding.” [Laughs.] Only Dan Harmon would handle that situation by writing a line that explains it as being this weird Ringu parallel-universe thing.
Meanwhile, I was dating an improviser in Los Angeles who, while I was in Miami, cheated on me! And then I was accused by someone of sleeping with the director of photography, who was a woman. And then I was accused by someone else in the cast of sleeping with her husband! And I was, like, “I’m not sleeping with anybody! And now my boyfriend is cheating on me, and all of you guys are cheating…” I was just, like, “I’ve made a huge mistake. Actors are assholes, producers are assholes, movies are a disgusting Petri dish of cheating, lying, abusive motherfuckers… Hollywood is bullshit! I’ve made the wrong choice!”
Man Of The House was… an experience. [Laughs.] Again, I auditioned, and then I found out, like, a month or two later. You know, you get a call saying, “Okay, you got the part of Binky,” and you think, “What? Binky? What’s that? What did I… Oh! Binky!”
Her acting coach—who, having affected my life to that degree, is a piece of human garbage—basically was sucking money out of this supermodel who was completely innocent. I don’t think Claudia Schiffer has a mean bone in her body. I think she was so desperate to act and not just be a model. I think she really wanted to act and have new experiences and have fun. I mean, she was doing an indie! That was a low-budget movie, and she had the balls to say, “Yeah, I’ll do it. This will be a fun part!” And then her acting coach is just vacuuming money out of Claudia’s account by saying, “We need to rewrite the script.” And she would rehearse Claudia into the ground, and Claudia genuinely thought that she was not speaking with an accent, because this piece-of-crap acting coach had convinced her that she couldn’t change lines, she couldn’t take direction...
“I’m one of those people. I just know this stuff. I know what you’re doing, I think you do it really well, and I watch your show. I’m obsessed with serial killers, too.” And they were sort of floored and a little perturbed, but I think they were, like, “Well, at least she knows what we’re doing!”
But the comparisons between shooting this pilot, where they’re, like, “We need to lighten her hair, we need to put her in heels... Oh, but that’ll make her taller than the guy. You know, we just need her to be more attractive!” And then I would go back to Another Period and put on a wig and just have a great time. And I ended up feeling like, “Ugh, Hollywood is bullshit! I’d rather play an old lady in a Victorian outfit up on the hilltop with no trailers!”
"The Kermit/Piggy break-up is an enormous problem, not because their relationship is sacred Henson canon and should never be messed with, but because the separation makes both characters meaner. Piggy's always been an abrasive and even cruel character, but her feelings for Kermit softened her just enough to make the diva behavior amusing; when she's nice to no one, she's just intolerable(*).
(*) The Muppets have almost always had a gender balance issue. (It's one of the reasons "Muppet Babies" added Skeeter.) The new show adds a couple of other female Muppets, like Kermit's new pig girlfriend Denise, but Piggy remains the only woman of any significance. So when she's this relentlessly awful, it's a problem.
And making Kermit into a bitter frog who can't believe he still has to deal with his ex every day alters too much of what made him one of Henson's most special creations. Kermit can fight back, Kermit can be a hustler — like the time he outmaneuvered Fozzie's new agent by offering to pay Fozzie 10 times his current salary, which was $0.00 — but he can't be sour. If this is the "real" Kermit, then I'd rather go back to watching him act, just like I'd rather not see documentaries about what many of my favorite stars are like out of character."
"ABC, apparently concluding that what the Muppets really need to boost their latest incarnation is a dose of eroticism, launched its campaign for the new season by announcing that lead amphibian Kermit the Frog had broken up with his on-again-off-again sparring partner of 40 years, Miss Piggy, and is now dating someone named “Denise.” Denise, who is notably also a pig, appears to be a younger, thinner pig than Piggy, which upon reflection is weird because how is it obvious that one Muppet is younger than another anyway? The “Denise” development launched a thousandthinkpieces, many of which wrung angry hands on Piggy’s behalf. Few of them seemed to account for the fact that, according to ABC’s promos, Piggy has already gotten it on with Liam Hemsworth, Topher Grace, and Nathan Fillion, who, not for nothing, all happen to be white guys, so I guess whatever her predilections are, they have taken her in a direction away from her former (green, frog) swain.
there are winks and nods, and then there are pigs blowing pens."
I'm not a person who dogs on millennials (the kids are all right, calm down), but this review is...eye-rolly. God, I hope this is a deliberate joke.
"I don’t know if you guys have seen this show called Columbo but it is messed up with a capital UP. As I explained a few articles back, I accidentally watched this show for about 9 hours because I thought it was The Wire, then I had to go back and watch the actual The Wire in order to write about it, which took up so many hours I ended up failing improv and losing my bar backing job at Chuck E Cheese (yes, they have a bar). It was worth it because it was in my opinion the best TV show ever except for also Breaking Bad and The Supremos or whatever but it was longer than a bathroom line at a coke bar. I mean jeez, who wrote The Wire, David Foster Wallace? Anyways, back to Columbo. Columbo is basically a show about this creepy stalker who uses white male privilege to solve murders.
The first episode is completely bonkers. It begins with Columbo meeting this guy who looks like he plays bass in Fun. and knows where to get quaaludes. I guess this show came out in 1968 so everyone in it looks like a character from The Venture Brothers. So turtle neck guy has just murdered his friend with whom he writes mystery novels, and now he has to convince Columbo that it was an assassination. In the middle of all this, some rando Tinder skeeza shows up and tries to blackmail Professor Haircut about the murder, so he gets an Airbnb with her somewhere in the woods and then beats her over the head with a bottle of some kind of mysterious champagne that you can’t buy at a gas station. He dumps her in a lake and then eventually Columbo figures the whole thing out and arrests him. Pretty simple 20 minutes of television right? Wrong, this whole ordeal takes over an hour because 90 percent of the program is Columbo mansplaining murder to murderers (murdersplaining?).
Another episode involves Columbo investigating a suicide, which is when you take a selfie with a gun (selficide?), but it’s not a selficide at all."
"A third season episode titled Swan Song guest stars Johnny Cash as the murderer. Johnny Cash is the only country artist I like because he sang about cocaine and killing people, and I only like things that allow me to ironically affect a gangsta rap identity. The man in black is killing people and and jumping out of airplanes and everything’s going great, and then old C-Bo shows up and starts yammering on about how everyone’s dumber than him. Honestly I haven’t felt this assaulted by words since I huffed air duster and watched Jello Biafra do a spoken word set about hegemony. Columbo keeps doing this thing where he leaves the room and then pops back in and goes “oh and another thing.” If anyone ever did that to me I would block them on Facebook AND Twitter. Not Instagram though, I’m not a monster. He also has this creepy hunchback thing going on and I think maybe a glass eye. Columbo kind of looks like one of the elves from Harry Potter and he is just as annoying. Someone should make a Buzzfeed video titled “If Women Talked to Men the Way Columbo Talks to Murderers.”"