Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Beth Sekishiro: "You don't need to be conventional to love people. Maybe you've got to give up your whole life - but that's just when you'll find it."
Now the kids are in shop class "because you are America's future...most of us will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal. That's why we have shop class."
Who's the biggest troublemaker in class? Tweek and Craig are cited. "Hey, did you just flip me off?"
Cut to the home ec class. Kenny looks forward to making things that are pretty. Wendy wanted to be in shop class, but the pretty girls won't have to worry about careers. Kenny can't wait to marry a nice man, apparently.
"Why didn't Kenny want to take shop class? He's such a wuss."
The three other boys bet on which of the two dudes would win in a fight. They set up a fight after school.
Mr. Adler has flashbacks to some (actual normal human) woman....dying.
Tweek and Craig both went home instead. "Oh, ,they wanna fight, they just don't know it yet."
Craig wanted to go home and watch Red Racer. He really doesn't care until Cartman said Tweek insulted his guinea pig.
Tweek asks his parents for help, but they have terribly lame stories. "What happened to the fight?" "Oh, I think he moved away or something."
So of course the shop and home ec teachers are dating--but not making whoopee. Because he is freaking out.
Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny get into a fight instead.
Oh god, the home ec teacher is telling you to check for expensive shoes and only one credit card. "The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is two." You're also supposed to dump a guy who's still in school-- "Dump that zero and get with a hero."
Some kid sanded off his face.
Time for the fight. Everyone just stands there, having no clue how to fight. It's more of a slap fight. "We have to postpone the fight so that they can fight." Jimbo and Ned are recruited to teach Tweek to box. Especially one-armed Ned.
"Punch him in the balls! Now kick his balls! Now that's boxing!"
Craig has been brought to a sumo class instead.
RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAE!
"There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric."
Home ec is now teaching girls to guilt trip. "I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life." Kenny, try "I can't make love to you until we get a king-sized bed."
The home ec teacher wants to kick Kenny out. "Very few students are SEVERELY injured in shop class...."
There are Tweek vs. Craig programs.
Craig: "Respect my authority!" It just doesn't have the same ring.
Uh-oh, Mr. Adler is out of nicotine gun and suicidal. He feeds himself to the saw. Gross, dude.
Kenny transfers to shop class, apparently not noticing what Mr. Adler is slowly up ot. The other kids break a window flying into the shop class, distracting Adler from his suicide. And there goes Kenny. This triggers Mr. Adler to have some kind of dead relative flashback...thing...I don't know.
Tweek and Craig are in the hospital. "Yes, you can flip us off, Craig, we deserve that."... "You're both kind of sissies." Hospital fight ensues.
Huh. The fight thing worked...the disturbing home ec class worked...but what the fuck was with the dead girlfriend plot?!
Sexual Harassment Panda: Cat Orgy:
Cartman's home playing with his dolls again. Cartman was the only person in the world who liked the Wild Wild West movie.
Oh no, Shelly is Cartman's babysitter.
OH GOD, THE CAT IS IN HEAT. THIS IS GIVING ME HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS. ESPECIALLY THE ASS BEHAVIOR.
Shelly starts beating Cartman up and forcing him to cook. "I can't reach the freezer." "Figure it out, turd." Cartman wants to call his mom, but Shelly is on it.
OH GOD, THAT CAT.
I'm horrified that Shelly has a boyfriend. Skyler, no less. And he's 22. "Dude, that's not cool."
Kitty watches lions have sex on television. Wow....."Say hello to Mr. Winky."
Skyler is in high school and is a very immature 22-year-old. So he says.
Wow, getting Kitty catnip...DID NOT HELP.
Oh no, Cartman locked himself in with Kitty. He puts the Polaroid on Kitty and sends Kitty out to...yeah, right.
GODDAMMIT KITTY JUST GO GET LAID ALREADY.
Nobody here is gonna respect your authoritae.
Kitty spies a very pregnant cat.
Shelly sings. About turds.
Cartman finally calls his mom. His mom doesn't believe him and presumably goes off to fuck Mr. Mackey.
Skyler's love is as pure as morning snow.
The pregnant cat smothers Kitty. Then fucks her. Maybe it's just a fat dude cat. I don't know, but either way, gross.
WHERE IS THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA? THERE IS NO PANDA IN THIS EPISODE. I was expecting some creepy panda teaching kids how to sexually harass at school and this is not it.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You're not yelling and whining." Wow, Cartman is sucking up to Shelly and it's disturbing.
Kitty gets gang-raped.
Cartman secretly records Shelly (12-year-old) not putting out for a 22-year-old. He dumps her. Shelly is brokenhearted. Cartman is all, why were you with an old scumbag anyway? EVEN CARTMAN KNOWS BETTER THAN THAT.
Kitty throws a party for all of her new boyfriends. With catnip lines.
Cartman takes care of the Skyler situation. Skyler is dumb enough to think Salma Hayak is talking to him. "Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night." Then he sees what Shelly did to his guitar.
"Wait, they're having a cat orgy!" OH WAIT, THIS IS NOT THE EPISODE I THOUGHT IT WAS WTF HULU?
Just as Cartman and Shelly are getting along, his mom walks in and passes out. "Luckily for us, my mom's a total lush."
Okay, now that I deliberately clicked on "Sexual Harassment Panda" instead of just automatic streaming, let's see if Hulu actually shows that episode.
Sexual Harassment Panda:
Yup, I got it. It's what I thought it would be.
Cartman's definition of sexual harassment involves ball tickling.
Sexual Harassment Panda has a very mumbly song and dance. "Don't be nasty, says the silly bear." The kids are horrified.
Nice panda sex scenes there, bro.
Cartman claims Stan sexually harassed him. The little booklet the panda passed out said he can sue. Stan is found guilty in court and can't pay up, so 50% of his belongings will be handed over to Cartman immediately.
Reverse psychology doesn't work on Cartman.
Kyle's dad talks Cartman into suing the school.
Mr. Hat is not a witness.
"Well, he is a little ass-sucker." Nope, Mr. Garrison doesn't do anything about harassment.
The principal has no idea if anyone's being sexually harassed or not, but she did kill someone and destroy a body. Thanks for sharing, Principal Victoria. Too bad nobody cares about that last bit.
Here comes the panda.
Eric's middle name is Theodore and he totally won the lawsuit.
So where does the 1.3 million come from for schools? Hmmmmm.. "You're trying to confuse me, aren't you?" "Sort of, yeah."
Everything is gone in the classroom but the blackboard and the people and the puppet.
"I'm telling you, suing people kicks ass."
Mr. Garrison writes on the board with a rusty nail because they can no longer use chalk.
Eric's dad has commercials on TV.
It's time to budget cut Sexual Harassment Panda. Uh-oh.
Now it's Eric's turn to get sued by Pip. The school has to pay 1.6 million to Pip and half the belongings...and now everybody's doing it.
Kyle's dad is now everyone's lawyer. "I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me." No, I think that was the spontaneous combustion episode, Craig.
Somehow Chef isn't busted for sexual harassment, but all he's got for food is lumpy potatoes.
Sexual Harassment Panda can't get another job. "Have you ever heard of a retreat called The Island of Misfit Mascots?" SHP says that's for loser mascots that make no sense.
SHP tries to drink in a bar. Here comes the drunks wanting to know why they eat bamboo. Hm, good point. SHP is off to the island. "Dammit, Skeeter, how come every time a panda comes in here you have to flap your jaw?"
Kyle tries to get his dad to stop suing.
Now the kids are in the bar getting harassed by Skeeter. Skeeter moves on to harassing a woman.
It's The Honorable Judge Julie, with "Everyone Vs. Everyone."
Island of Misfit Mascots Commune. I...can't even deal with that worm one. Or the pig.
There goes Kenny.
The remaining kids find the panda and blame all the lawsuits on him.
I can't even repeat all of the weird mascots. I'm not gonna try.
'YOU'RE A GUY IN A PANDA COSTUME!" And this is when we find out that everyone is in denial about their costumes. Or maybe furries, I don't know. This place is confusing and weird.
SHP is now the "Don't Sue People Panda."
"Let's sue the lawyer!" That just converted Kyle's dad. Case dismissed, let's go get ice cream, shut up Skeeter.
Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub:
Oh, hey, I only realized after watching Sexual Harassment Panda Cat Orgy that the other three kids weren't in it. This is the other half of that episode, at the meteor shower party! KEWL!
Stan is stuck in the basement with Pip, And Butters and a tiny redhead (Doggie).
"You can't leave me in here! These kids are total Melvins!"
What the hell is Pip talking about?
I wonder where Kyle and Kenny are now.
Let's get Stan's mom drunk!
The other kids find ladies' clothes and decide to dress up as Charlie's Angels. "Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?"
Here's the hot tub. The dads hop in naked.
The other kids are too stupid to make up their own mission, so they make Stan play Bosley. He asks them to find him a way out.
The dads want to experiment tonight. "Yeah, that was my leg."
Stan, check the air shaft!
Principal Victoria. YEAH, I JUST GOT THAT. The dads want to try a threesome. It is a night for experimenting..."Okay, I"ll start."
The ATF is spying on this party and Barbrady shows up. They claim it's a religious cult that's going to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts. They won't allow suicide even if they end up killing everybody. GOOD JOB, ATF.
Next mission: fetch Bosley some cookies.
The dads get dressed. "That was certainly interesting." What's there to regret, right? All we did was watch each other masturbate.
The first people who leave the party get shot but dead, Kenny-style.
"Hey, if you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?"
Now that Stan's in Mr. Mackey's bedroom watching TV, he has no interest in assigning missions. Then he sees the news...covering the house he's in... The other kids found their own mission.
Randy is feeling traumatized and strange. Oops, Gerald has totally told some people already.
Naked lampshading is happening. Stan tries to tell the parents and they are not paying attention. Stan's mom passes out.
The ATF plays Cher in hopes of driving them out. The folks inside like it.
The ATF announces on the news that they will set the house on fire. New mission, Angels!
Where is Cartman's mom?
Little redhead kid, calling himself "Jill Monroe" (oh, his name is Dougie) tries to be a reporter from inside the house to save them.
More partygoers get shot.
Butters approaches with the video.
And Randy just outs himself. Someone else was "I was just IN the hot tub!" A lot of other dudes have all done it. "We're all a little gay."
The kids save the day and the ATF runs away in shame. Are we friends now, Melvins? Nope.
New characters in the opening credits! Special guest star Jennifer Aniston as the choir teacher! I will say she's probably the only voice I actually recognize on this show.
Getting Gay With Kids? Really? Honestly, I just don't get why heterosexual guys are soooooo fascinated with calling everything gay at every possible opportunity. That joke was old in 1999 too.
Even Pip is bored at this concept of choir singers for the rainforest.
Kenny falls in love.
"I'll leave some pamplets up at the front." "Oh good, we need some more toilet paper."
Craig can't behave and he doesn't know why. He does have a covert finger. This guy should be a recurring character.
The kids shall be forced into the choir no matter what.
Cartman doesn't respect anything. Shocker.
Oh, hey, someone who doesn't comprehend Kenny. I guess because she's not a native. She thinks he's "Lenny."
"OMG, look how dirty and crappy everything is!" Note to self: next time someone nags me to go visit Costa Rica (have a family friend from there), should reference this to see what happens.
"Eric Cartman, you respect other people's culture this instant!"
You're right, they don't actually sing.
Touring the rain forest.
Cartman, pet abuser. RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAE!
"The snake is more afraid of us"--and then it eats the guide.
"I think we communicate really well."--Kelly to "Lenny," followed by breaking up with him.
"Is everybody still here?" "I'm not." "Who?" "Me." "I just saw Tony Danza."
"Mrs. Stevens, you have a bug on your back." "Oh, can you brush it off?" (it's a giant bug the size of her backpack) "No."
Oh, they just got rescued by guys with guns.
Kyle isn't good at choreography.
"We're not getting gay with any kids." Thank god.
Shootout ensues. Kenny blocks Kelly with his body...
That fragile flower just ate a kid.
Poor Kelly just can't get attached.
"Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard!"
"Maybe Cartman was right." "It happened once before."
Cartman finds those guys mowing down the rainforest.
So they tell Polish jokes in Costa Rica?
It's the Yanagapa people! They're cannibals!
Whee, quicksand. Of course. How could we ever miss an opportunity for quicksand.
Of course there is some giant dude in the wildnerness and the teacher is dressed like a cheerleader for some reason.
So mowing down the rainforest saves people!
"I hate the rainforest! You go ahead and plow down this whole fucking thing!"
"Lenny" is now struck by lightning.
Kelly doesn't get who "they killed Kenny" are and attempts CPR. Which WORKS! That's the second episode Kenny's been alive by the end in so far!
New song lyrics for the contest. "Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast!" Because if you've actually gone...
Final disclaimer: "Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses. There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer. Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late."
"I need to get an erection for my dad." "Very funny boys, now get out of here."
"I just want an erection so I can give it to my mom."
Kenny is still dating Kelly.
Kenny just spontaneously combusts.
I thought spontaneous combustion only happened to fat people near open flames.
The only scientist that lives in town is Randy Marsh, geologist. I guess Mephisto the ass man doesn't count?
"Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on." Kenny actually gets a funeral this time.
There seems to be more takething going away....Here comes the guilt trip again.
Praying for the Broncos at a funeral?
"You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?"
"Hey, resurrection! This is what my dad needs!"
Hey, it happened again! God must be angry with us!
"We're going to work on getting Kyle's dad an erection!" "Okay....WHAT?"
"Dammit, how come you're not combusting?" Randy has four adult versions of the kids to experiment on.
What was Kenny doing differently? Dating. What was Helen doing? Dating.
"Lord, is it so much to ask that we not bust into flame for no good reason?"
Girlfriend = DEAD. Boyfriend = DEAD.
That must have been hard to drag Cartman + a cross.
"Yeah, told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys."
Hah, leave him up there.
Didn't you read the Bible, dude? We have to leave you up there to die, then you come back to life in three days. Then I'll have an erection that I can give to my dad! BRILLIANT.
"Screw you guys, I'm going home" does not work in that position.
Randy's scientific explanation for spontaneous combustion is that having a new SO + not wanting to fart in front of her = kaboombah. ALRIGHTY THEN. Suddenly Terrance and Phillip will REALLY sweep the nation. (Amazingly, they are not in the episode.)
It is now law to have to fart in South Park.
"How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?"
But after you die, you'll have superpowers, just like Jesus! So shut up and die already, you piece of crap!
What a hat, Mr. Mackey.
"We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey." Let me show you how...
Cartman's mom will buy anything anyone says.
It's Randy Marsh Day! We'll celebrate with... a naked David-esque sculpture of him.
Nice outfit, Whoopi. Did you borrow it from Bjork?
It's time for the Nobel Prize for science. Guess who won?
Kyle's dad still can't get it up. But Kyle will help! "We have a very strange little boy, Gerald."
We're having a heat wave...a tropical heat wave. Randy wants a lot of money to fix that one.
"You children shouldn't be out crucifying yourselves in this heat." --Chef, in a dream.
"Not now, Stanley, without my scientific genius the world is doomed."
Mephisto's first name is Alphonse, and he blames global warming on Randy and the farting.
So, fart and start global warming, don't fart and explode. There goes the Nobel award and the statue.
Even Bob Dole can get it up. Why can't you?
Now hookers want to sue Randy Marsh for their skin cancer.
"Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
I like this song they're playing during the science montage. Sorta Beatles-ish.
Where did that lion come from? (Or Chinese dragon head or something.) And the band?
Dad's got an erection!
Randy's solution is to fart in moderation. Only when you really need to or it's funny. "You can keep stoning me if you want."
Whoops, we left Cartman up there for three weeks. And he survived off the fat on his body. Ew.
Cartman at the eye doctor. Cartman hates this because the doctor makes fun of him for being fat constantly.
When Cartman ditches school, he usually shows up for lunch.
Cartman got his eyes dilated.
Chef quit! Cartman thinks it's because his eyes are dilated. Is Mr. Derp from that evil parallel universe? He hits himself in the head with a hammer. Nobody laughs when he shoots himself in the head. DERP! Why am I reminded of MLPFIM fandom now?
Chef talked with a woman?! He has a girlfriend?
"When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better." But Veronica can help!
I'm not sure what the song about the morning after pill has to do with that, though.
Cartman now has glasses. And a stapler.
Chef is now "the black guy" working at an accounting firm.
"Meaningless sex is fun for 20 or 30 years, but then it gets old."
Chef suggests LASIK. There you go. On the other hand, he flakes on playing ball and Kenny dies and resurrects overnight. HAH.
The boys go to Mr. Garrison for help and he dubs the girlfriend situation "Succubus Syndrome." "Women can kill. Poontang's expensive." Mr. Hat says he's not fooling anyone.
"Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens." Meet Chef's parents.
Hey, I want to hear about the Loch Ness monster. He wants $3.50.
"Time to laser me a little piggy." Cartman gets gassed and "I bet his mom wishes she could do that."
The Girl Scout....is still wanting $3.50 and is the Loch Ness Monster.
Eric has "a little visitor." She's an adult and brought pie. For once, Cartman isn't interested.
Veronica tries to explain. And then succubusses out.
Okay, now I am no longer interested in the Loch Ness story. Way to bum me out on that topic, Chef's parents.
The kids actually read books! Kenny Explains It All!
How do you sing "There's Got To Be A Morning After" backwards?
Wow, Chef, that is quite a suit.
Ewwww, succubus. "Succubus trying to take my baby!" Everyone runs for it except Cartman (who can't) and Kenny (who dies).
"Now that she's gone, I can't figure out what I saw in her." "Poontang is poontang."
Chef and Mr. Garrison sing a song, and Cartman wants an eye transplant of Kenny's eyes. Ew, dude.
The kids are camping. Cartman has a song called "I Hate You Guys." Especially Kenny.
"God, I'm glad you know all these pooping outside rules."
Jimbo and Ned at home. Ned has no pants. He lost his voice box and can't explain why.
"Man, don't burp talk, it just sicks me out."
That...thing they caught is cute? OH JESUS IT TALKS LIKE FUCKING JAR-JAR MAKE IT STOP. But no, it's some kind of frozen dinosaur or whatever?
Mr. Garrison will just try to have sex with it. "Oh, come on, y'all know that pigeon was a total slut." "Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon."
So Cartman's mom is smoking up and having a threesome. And won't get the door.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! It's another jakovasaur wanting help. Jakov is very loud when he whispers.
Ned has to call a phone number about his voice box. That's gonna go well.
Jimbo bought Ned a new voice box, and tortures him a bit before giving it to him. He got an Irish model. I actually like it.
Cartman gives a speech. No one cares.
So the jakovasaurs are given a home to have sex in. They don't seem to get that. Then breaking things ensues and Hope (the female) runs out. He doesn't know what to do! Nor does he have one.
OH NO, MEPHISTO.
"Do we really want another one of these things hanging around?" I don't.
Now Hope's about to give birth like 4 days later. Ew. Do we really want more of these?
How many are there? Too many. Class has now filled up with jakovasaurs. Making noise. And answering when they don't know. Cartman is the only one who finds this cute.
Everyone wants them to move to Memphis. Then Cartman talks them into staying. The Dept. of Fish and Wildlife run away and deputize Cartman in their stead. "Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritae."
Now Jakovasaurs is a reality show on Comedy Central. That seems fitting.
Jakov is offered a game show with a free trip to France involved for the whole family.
Another voice box came for Ned. What happened to the Irish one?
Jakov is competing against Barbrady. He answers long before any question is asked.
"What color is blue?" "Blue?" Barbrady wins? Oh wait.
The other boys distract Cartman with a new species--Kenny with branches on his head. Don't TELL HIM what you're doing, guys. Kenny is eaten by a bear.
Jakov can't even answer his own name. But he wins!
The plane does not answer to authoritae.
"We can't go around saving every form of life." Nice new voice box, Ned. Smooth.
II"ve never seen Cartman care so much about something. I guess because he found something as annoying as he is."
In France, the Jakovasaurs arrive and hit a cafe, thinking it's pyramids. The French find pratfalls amusing. Perfect!
And it's kind of funny how he hooked up with a lesbian:
"Piper was the ultimate platonic playmate: We drank bourbon, ogled girls, shot pool in lesbian bars, and walked on weekends to all parts of the city, stopping to catch a church gospel service or grabbing a Bloody Mary. Best of all, no one gave me better advice on women, holding nothing back and offering a few pointers. If you’re a straight, single guy, I cannot recommend a no-bullshit lesbian bestie highly enough."
“Now there’s a nice, all-American girl,” Louis Smith, Esq., announced. “Why don’t you go date her?”
“Thing is, Dad, that’s the all-American lesbian,” I explained."
Heh. Later on...
"But the scene that played out before us was pretty close to what happens between Piper Chapman and Larry Bloom in the first episode of Season 1 of Orange Is the New Black. I didn’t say, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Clearly she wasn’t. The blood did not drain out of my body leaving me lifeless, nor did I lose my mind and start screaming. I didn’t, like Larry Bloom, exclaim, “Who are you? I feel like I’m in a Bourne movie! Have you killed?” But I wish I had—it’s a great line."
As for the slight advantages to the situation:
"As the actual sentence neared, we began what felt like both a coming out (“I’m a convicted felon…”) and a farewell party (“…who will be going away for a while”) as we told our larger circle of friends. We spilled the story to gaping looks, uncertain questions, and supportive hand squeezes. If we seemed calm, it was because we were both ready for her to get in and then out of prison and move on with our lives. We got good at these talks; it became a script we had down cold. I also realized that when you tell your friends a story like this one, they pick up the check. I started booking these get-togethers at better restaurants."
Always look on the bright side of life....
"In other words: Honey, if any couple has to have a spouse go to prison, it probably ought to be you, because at least your friends all know you’ll be okay. He looked at me, and we all looked at each other, nodding in tacit agreement: Larry, on the other hand, wouldn’t do so well in the pokey."
"I appreciate your honesty."
Larry Bloom, in one of his best lines, explains: “I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes.” I’m pretty sure it’s something I said, too, and even if I didn’t, it’s the scene at which my friends dropped their vocal opposition to Jason Biggs. For the record, though, I have never called her “Pipes.”
"It’s trippy to watch an adapted version of some of the most intense, intimate moments of your life play out on TV, in some version of real time, and know millions of others have watched it as well and have formed an opinion of “Piper and Larry.” It’s one thing to see someone reading your wife’s book on the subway; quite another to be standing in line for a movie in Brooklyn and hear the guy in front of you say to his date, “That newsstand we passed looks just like the one where Larry in Orange Is the New Black bought all those papers that printed his article.” It’s like living an out-of-body experience out of someone else’s body.
It’s also surreal to be moved by your own fictional—though mostly true-to- life—marriage proposal, recited by someone else. It’s funny to at once wish I had said a few of the things Jason Biggs (who plays Larry) said to Taylor Schilling (who plays Piper) and also be annoyed the writers didn’t use some of my lines."
Good point! Especially since you come up with some pretty good ones! Oh, and here's Piper's:
"As she waited to be released, she watched Martha Stewart leave her prison in West Virginia by helicopter on the women’s unit TV. “That bitch stole my thunder,” she said."
It's a Halloween episode, with Halloween credits! I love it!
A(nother) spaceship lands...and the alien is run over by the bus.
Cartman has an evil goatee.
I rephrase that: he has A GOOD GOATEE.
Aunt Flo, literally?! Once a month visits?
Shelly got a stereo system, Stan got a fish. This is the 1998 version of "She got a car, I got a computer."
Hella hella hella. Parker and Stone are not natives of NorCal, apparently.
It's Good Cartman! "Kenny, wasn't that your foul-mouthed racist friend?"
Stan continues to be freaked out by his fish, until there's suddenly a corpse.
Oh, creepy, the fish says "Yes, I will."
Seriously, who died?
"My baby's killed again!"
"I have a goldfish who keeps killing people." "Well, don't worry, Stan, I'm sure it will all work out. What's the other problem?"
Cartman Goatee must be from an evil (good) alternate universe. "I can't believe how nice you are, Chef. In my world, you're a skinny white insurance salesman."
Wow, Kenny died via fish tank.
Everyone is returning killer pets. "Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?"
"First, I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and buried them upside down." Why? "I don't know, I was drunk." Which I guess led to that opened door to a parallel universe.
So why is Officer Barbrady locked up in our basement with no pants? No comment.
Stan and Kyle like Good Cartman so much better. Meanwhile, Evil Stan and Evil Kyle have invaded. And found the regular evil Cartman. Who are startled. Alas, they won't take that one back to the evil universe.
Somehow the kids win the contest.
"Oh dear, it really was Stan's fish who killed those people."
Oh noooo, now they look alike!
Aw damn, regular Evil Cartman tricked them. What a disappointment.
"Do you want your pants back?" "No, just leave me with my dignity."
Merry Christmas Charlie Manson:
"You are now in Nebraska....Sorry"
See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska! What?!
Cartman's family is generally fat and has an Uncle Stinky and a Fat Bob and a Great-Grandma Flo.
"she smelled like vitamins and pee."
"My family's dead." WHAT?
Ew, holding her catheter bag at dinner?
Uncle Howard is in the state pen.
Wow, does Cartman ever take after great-grandma.
Uncle Howard just broke out of jail.
"Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket?" Reasonable question on this show.
Nope, he brought home...CHARLIE MANSON.
"All right Chuck, just go watch some TV or something."
On this show, even It's A Wonderful Life is foulmouthed.
RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAE!
"If you see Charles Mason, kick him in the balls and punch him in the fucking face for me. And then call the police."
Let's go to the maaaaaall....WITH CHARLES MANSON HOT-WIRING YOUR CAR.
"I thought you were dead. It's good to see you've gotten better."
Manson is terror and fear and fascinated by Christmas specials. In this case, The Grinch remade with Mr. Hankey.
OH WAIT, THAT'S NOT THE REAL ONE.
"Oh boy, have you done it now." Kyle outs the fake Mr. Hankey and anarchy ensues.
"Uh-oh, they're rioting again."
I am happy to report that Manson and Kenny are riveted to watching "Grinchy-poo."
"Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again."
"I told you kids, the holiday season is full of lies and bullcrap."
Manson now has a happy face tattoo instead of a swastika.
"Come out peacefully and we'll shoot you!"
"If it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer."
"Eight-year-old Stan Marsh is in big, big trouble." Says the evening news
Farts light up reindeer noses. Who knew?
You count by marshmallows?
Wow, a touching family talk by Charlie Manson.
"oh my god, they killed the little orange coat kid." Because he came out with a white flag. And then they beat his corpse.
"I'm not going to let a fake Mr. Hankey ruin my holiday!"
"I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special!"
I love how Charlie Manson is all, "I totally deserve to be in jail, I can never make up for what I've done."
"Watch that ass in prison, son." "I always do."
Wow, the entire Cartman family suprise-fit in a prison cell.
That was simply a lovely episode.
Mr. Garrison might be fired. You are all very sad No, we're okay with it.
The school board thinks I don't teach you about current events--nope, they just watched Barnaby Jones for two weeks.
Who's Tweak, and what is he on?
"Mr. Hat is going to smack your asses up."
Oh, he's on COFFEE.
"I may have to sell my son Tweak into slavery."
HWHEE KIDS ON COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"We won't stop until we have underpants." Yup, like Kyle and Mr. Hankey, only one kid sees 'em.
So Mr. Tweak did the kids' homework for them. Dang, dude.
Wow, so one forged report saves Mr. Garrison and gets people in on the fight against Harbucks.
"Have you ever thought about not giving your son coffee?" "He has ADD."
"You're telling me that some kids from Mr. Garrison's class actually did something relevant about the world?"..."The guy with the puppet?"
Wow, underpants gnomes showed up in the daytime?
"Hey, I'm not fat or smelly!" "All right, Mr. Douchebag." "Pardon me, Mr. Assface."
I love that the audience is hissing from the getgo.
"This guy sucks ass." "Great argument! You win, guys!"
"You don't hate children. Do you?" Prop 10: get rid of Harbucks.
Where is Kyle's mom in this debate? This is totally up her alley.
At 5 o'clock, the best coffee wins.
Have the other kids drunk enough coffee to see the gnomes now?
Hah, the gnome fights back.
Phase 1: Collect underpants. Phase 2: ? Phase 3: Profit. YEAH, GOOD BUSINESS THERE DUDES. SOUNDS LEGIT.
Wow, the kids are breezing through Kenny's death and don't even give a shit today.
And this is terrible: the kids have somehow been brainwashed into loving corporations.
And it totally worked: even Tweek (oh, that's the spelling) is brainwashed into loving the Harbucks.
No one's gonna miss Mr. Garrison.
As a person who can't stand coffee stuff, I laugh at you all thinking it's yummy. What is wrong with your tongues?
Prehistoric Ice Man:
Oh, Crocodile Man. How we miss you. How disappointed we were when you died via stingray instead. That was just wrong.
You killed Kyle! (mumbleYou bastards!mumble)
"Dude! It's a dude!"
It's just like Encino Man!
"What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve?" Seconding that.
Oh goody, creepy old four ass man is back.
"These clothes are from Eddie Bauer." This man must be from...1996.
"OMG, you revived Gorak!" "You bastards!"
It's 1999! You've been frozen for 32 months!
The University of America?!
Kevin has a 1996 habitat! Nice!
Now "Steve" is a zoo animal.
"The web frightens and confuses him."
"OMG! They killed Kenny!" (silence) "What? I'm not talking to you."
"Steve" wanders the streets of South Park and watches a Marilyn Manson video. Yeah, that one was awful.
He broke out! He must have used--this door.
"It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about."
"I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night."
Oh my god, she waited THREE DAYS for him to come back. THREE DAYS AND SHE WAS SO LOOOOONELY.
How does she have 8 and 13-year-old kids?
Poor "Steve" is now trying to freeze himself again. Then he's introduced to...Des Moines! Where everything is three years behind, just like you!
"First one to die loses."
"I'm going to jam my thumb in someone's butthole now."
Continued from here. I am back online again after returning from pet-sitting. It was nice to have a day off from so many obscenities.
Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods
Why are you watching Barnaby Jones episodes for eight days?
Cheesy Poofs song contest
Kids have a field trip to the planet-arium.
Oh, that' creepy, "I love my work." "I love my work." Is she a robot?
There's a Roger Ebert constellation?
Cartman got a callback for the cheesy poofs song
the kids seem to have gotten brainwashed during the planet-arium show.
there's an escapee kid from the planet-arium. he seems traumatized.
"what's a discharge?" People in South Park have no problem understanding Kenny.
cartman is doing surprisingly well in the singing contest
"they don't let big fatasses perform on tv."
"to be without the planetarium puts you in horrible pain."
Oh lord, Cartman is up against Oliver Twist or something
Oh no, now they all want to volunteer at the planetarium "we're kids, dude, we don't volunteer for anything."
Ewww. "We killed Kenny! We're bastards!"
"Jesus, where do we find these people?"
Mr. Mackey does telepathy. "For a woman with a dead fetus on her head, you're not being very open-minded."
Cartman wins because all of the other kids are volunteering at the planetarium.
"mommy's fat little piggy!" Of course Cartman looks great as a Cheesy Poof
Cartman tries to call people to watch him on TV, but everyone's at the planetarium.
Officer Barbrady is brainwashed into thinking he's Elvis.
Wow, Cartman was on TV for like a second.
Cartman breaks the planetarium machine in a rage. He's a hero!
Okay, seriously, the episode had like, one Ebert mention. I wasn't expecting that.
Stan is talked into building a clubhouse so that Wendy can fix Kyle and Bebe up.
The Marshes are NOT getting along.
Stan talks Kyle into playing Truth or Dare so they can make the girls eat bugs.
Cartman and Kenny will build their own playhouse, thank you very much.
Wowwwwww, Mrs. Marsh just unloaded her relationship issues on her head.
"When is Mr. Hat coming back?" Hoooo boy.
Wow, poetry about Kyle's ass.
I don't remember that Fat Albert show to be that cussing.
Nice, Kenny brought home teenage girls to the clubhouse! Nice DVDA shirt!
Stan's parents are divorced! And it's all his fault! But suddenly there's a new stepfather! What the heck?
Cartman tries to sympathize with teenage girl arguments.
Stan gets pulled away from Truth or Dare by parental visitation. And Randy scoping chicks.
Time for Truth or Dare!
Kyle makes the mistake of playing Truth or Dare, and saying Dare, and being forced to kiss Bebe. He's traumatized and runs away.
Where did the teenage boys come from?
Stan is traumatizing Roy.
Cartman ends up with a party at his clubhouse that kills Kenny.
Nice bare chest and chains, Randy. Keeping it classy.
Aw, now Sharon and Randy are playing Truth or Dare. But wait, she wasn't married to Roy? And Roy just fell into some kind of trap?
"Wow, clubhouses are magical."
Too bad it didn't look like Roy could see Sharon and Randy screwing in the clubhosue, somehow.
Bebe, that is one gross dare.
"What The Hell Is That?" is a TV game show. The winners get shipped to South Park's Cow Days for a free trip to the motel. "What was second prize again?"
Poor Tom and Mary have to enjoy this, their first and only vacation in years.
There are Terrance and Phillip dolls offered at the carnival--from Canada and misspelled signed by them themselves.
They're throwing balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth.
It's the Running of the Cows! The humans run, the cows...sit around.
Oh lord, there's a Chamber of Farts. With a giant pink ass.
Stan finally wins the ball-in-the-mouth game when he calls Barbrady over to watch the cheating...and then he still isn't allowed to have the doll.
Let's make Cartman ride a bull instead?
The cows are hypnotized by a cow clock. They steal it.
Cartman hits his head and thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute. What?
Jimbo wants his sacred cow back. He blames it on the visiting Tom and Mary, who are all, "where would we put that?" They get arrested.
"Me so horny! Me love you long time!" "Ew, you're grossing me out."
Ned, you probably shouldn't try to break up a cow cult.
"I'm starting to think it's wrong to put someone who thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull." Also, nobody notices that Cartman is not a girl or Vietnamese. Kenny gets gored and "Ming Lee" wins.
ALL WORSHIP THE COW GOD.
Cows are the new lemmings. "This is the worst cow mass suicide I've seen in at least eight months."
"Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?" --Yes, the kids just get the dolls for handing over $5000 of winnings. Then they discover the dolls are cheap ripoffs. Everyone complains to Barbrady and they declare shenanigans. WHATEVER THAT MEANS. I guess that means a broom fight.
Ew, the poor tourists are dead and eaten by rats.
"It was all just a dream!" Or not.
Wow, there's a shit ton of special appearances in this one.
I love the "Have you seen me?" alien poster.
Pretty sure Alanis didn't write a song called "Stinky Britches."
Stop asking about Mr. Hat!!!!!
"Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas!" Chef is pissed that "Stinky Britches" got published without his name in the credits.
"I really see no resemblance in the songs." "I am above the law!" "We're going to sue you."
Where's Mr. Twig? On fire, apparently.
Kyle's dad is Chef's lawyer against Johnnie Cochran. Uh-oh.
Mr. Garrison runs to the hospital and the doctors are startled by what he brought in.
The Chewbacca defense--"that does not make sense."
Chef's name is Jerome Mackleroy(?). He is found guilty of harassing a music company and has to come up with $2 million right now or else go to jail for four years.
Cartman dances around in lederhosen singing about sauerkraut as a method of cheering Chef up. Uh, yeah.
Chef has an amusing scrapbook full of famous people he cooked for.
Mr. Twig continues to be abused.
Chef decides to be a manwhore to raise the money. The kids decide to visit the famous people and ask for help--by selling candy bars. We find out that Chef hooked Elton John up with Bernie Taupin and to get better clothes. Elton buys three candy bars.
Chef slept with Kyle's mom. With his dad's knowledge. "How was it?" "Pretty much what I expected."
Chef talked Meat Loaf into being Meat Loaf. He'll buy some candy too.
Chef is afraid to sleep with Ms. Crabtree. Or at least she's a double bagger.
That's Rick James, bitch.
Chef slept with the mayor. He's tiring out.
MR. HAT IS BACK.
Just as Chef gets arrested, the boys announce that they raised $95. Chef made...more than that, but not enough.
Stan gets the idea of Chef Aid.
Mr. Garrison yells at Mr. Hat for being an abandoning asshole and chucks him into the road. In his underwear. The townspeople of South Park have had enough of that shit and have Mr. Garrison arrested.
Cartman does the German dance. Nobody likes it.
Elton John shows up. Along with everyone else in the credits.
Chef and Mr. Garrison in jail: Chef is all, "You finally snapped." Mr. Garrison is all "Don't take advantage of me in this prison cell."
Rancid performs at Chef Aid.
Mr. Hat drives into the prison and saves them. Chef is all, "How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?"
What is with those duck costumes? Mr. Mackey crowd surfs.
Chef arrives at Chef Aid. The evil music guy starts sawing.
Ozzy is on stage. "Chef told me to buy a pompadour hat. I thought he said bite the head off a bat. And the rest is history." He bites the head off Kenny.
Ween. They're not sure who Chef is but what the hell.
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig have a breakup conversation.
Elton John takes the stage. He plays the song Stan wrote Wendy. The music guide breaks the stage. Johnnie Cochran decides to takes Chef's case for free because his heart grew three sizes that day.
"I’m trying to think of a show where a black man is allowed to imagine the subversion of an established, white social order, however racist. I’m trying to think of another moment—on a network sitcom—where someone could talk about civil rights in such a dignified and personal way. Designing Women was hardly a groundbreaking sitcom, and yet Meshach Taylor as Anthony Bouvier did much to show a still-desegregating South, how friendships were already traveling across race and gender divides. For those of us who were kids then, the show offered a kind of permission, to cross-dress, maybe; to see friendship where our parents could not, certainly. Like Anthony, we are all searching for the community that feels like home."
Not gonna get through all four today. (I am actually cheating a bit and starting at the ass crack of dawn yesterday and last night and then the morning.)
Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
It's the last day of shool and Mr. Garrison wants Mr. Hat back. Too bad for him. The snow melts and a kid is found again. Pip has to go to summer school because he can't be left alone because his parents are dead. The boys are gonna buy fireworks. Except fireworks are now illegal because some kid blew his hand off. Flashback to Kenny killing himself with one as a baby. The mayor is trying to find some. I'm not sure what Barbrady is looking for. But the mayor gets the idea to just have a giant snake instead.
The kids have no idea how to play in summer without fireworks. For example, they're trying to go sledding with no snow. Jimbo will take care of the fireworks issue by going to Mehico. "Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way."
The kids make a dirtman, which I thought was Mr. Hankey. Mr. Garrison is bereft without Mr. Hat. Cartman is getting swimming lessons and the other boys tell him the kids pee in the pool. Cartman won't jump in, then doesn't like it when the kids pee at him. The non-Cartman kids are in an orchestra, playing terribly.
Jimbo's looking for fireworks, Garrison's watching Shari Lewis and Lambchop and fantasizing about murder again. Cartman doesn't like swimming. He's going home.
The largest snake in human history! Btw, snakes are "those little round disks that you light and they spew black ash." The school band cannot play. The snake is lit.
Jimbo just can't lie at border patrol.
When does the snake stop burning? I guess we didn't quite think this through. Kenny dies. Some guy estimates the snake will run out next November. The band plays music a la the Titanic.
The snake cannot be stopped. I'm also referring to Chef, on a tropical island proposing a foursome. The kids call and Chef says "fudge you" and goes back to singing about simultaneous loving. 'I think he told us to go fuck ourselves." "How's that going to help?"
OH LOOK, IT'S MORMONS IN THE RIVER. Being eaten by the snake.
Mr. Garrison went to New York to see Dr. Katz. Mr. Garrison says he's not gay, but Mr. Hat is. After Dr. Katz suggests this, he is eaten by the snake.
Jimbo and Ned are in jail. Ned tries rehearsing Jimbo on the right answer, then the snake breaks into jail and they run for it.
In a steamy locker room....is Mr. Hat.
3000 people are dead via snake. The mayor fakes sick--oh, excuse me, is having her period. The men read a statement: "We're sorry. Our bad."
Cartman swims alone in the pool, which is closed for snake. He makes it to the deep end.
Jimbo shows up with fireworks for the kids. "Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child." They blow up the snake. Cartman is unhappy when the other kids and their pee come back to the pool. "It's snowing black ash, but what the hell." Winter is back! Hooray!
Mr. Hat is a two-timing whore, and Mr. Garrison now has "Mr. Twig."
Chef is back from Aruba to find everyone covered in blackface...er, ash. "Okay, everyone get in line so I can all whup yo asses."
Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls: Okay, I'm just going to lazily reprint my sketchy, typo'd, incoherent notes on this one.
The Sundance Film Festival moves to South Park.
Mr Twig is still around. Mr. Hat still AWOL.
Cartman thinks all independent movies are about gay cowboys eating pooding. (In retrospect, BWAHAHAH at the typo.)
Chef is going to sell fudgums.
Stan and Wendy watch some lesbian porn movie.
Kyle's in the can looking for Mr. Hankey again.
No one wants to see Fred Savage.
Evil plan to conquer all small towns with film festivals.
Chef's salty chocolate balls
How do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?
Chef has a song.
Mr. Garrison is "just hanging out" in the sewers.
Here comes Mr. Hankey, he says the crowds are making him sick, but he can only come to the surface at Christmas.
Mr. Hankey is your best friend? Oh lord, the explanation from Kyle.... people think it's a movie idea.
Phantom of the sewer
Tom Hanks has a movie with Mr. Hankey.
Kyle shows off his petrified poop.
"there is another skywalker"... oh gross
gay pudding cowboys
"Chef, does poo go to heaven?" "I hope not."
Salty balls rejuvenated the poo.
Kyle shows a live Mr. Hankey, people turn their backs
killed the poop
the mickey wizard of poo
river of poo drives out the people
now we have a town covered in shit, isn't that better?
Shelly gets the chickenpox, and the parents go on about how bad it is the older you get, so the kids should go to Kenny's house for a sleepover so they will catch it.
At Kenny's house, all they have to eat is frozen waffles--and split them. Cartman wants to know where the side dishes are.
"Kenny, if you're going to sneeze on somebody, sneeze on them."
Kenny has The Clapper.
Stan caught it. Cartman did and gets even more incoherent than usual. Kyle is just fine.
gods and clods--Kyle's dad explains to him why poor people exist, or something.
Stan goes to the hospital too.
"Passion Cramps" show
let's get our husbands together
cartman bathes in calomine lotion
"and that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman." "what does that have to do with american history?"
kyle finds out about the chicken pox plan.
privilege of kyle's dad compared to kenny's dad
whatever happened to that old shack? "I live in it."
"your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face."
fighting ensues between the dads
after having that conversation with his dad about gods and clods, Kyle writes his history paper on how he thinks poor people should be rounded up and put in camps. "What have I done?"
"chef, we want to know about herpes." "what makes you think I would know anything about that?" "you're the only adult that we trust." chef tells them who in town has it
paying old frieda to give the family herpes by toothbrushing and makeup use and...no comment about mrs. cartman's thong.
they got "i'm a believer" to play during this?!?! how much was that?
kyle passes out and gets it.
"we gave you guys herpes. we had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff."
"hey, mom, why don't you have sores on your mouth?" "I have them somewhere else, poopykins."
(Oh, huh, didn't hit post on this. Okay, technically watched these on 7/16.)
Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Terrance and Philip in Not Without My Anus
Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut
Ike's Wee Wee
My brain is singing "Cartman's Mom's A Slut" to the tune of "Kyle's Mom's A Bitch."
I love the gag of Stan saying rude things to the bus driver and then he rephrases it--and then this time he said the exact same rude thing and she was STILL all "Oh, okay" Stan is all, "I always wondered if that would work."
Cartman is cutting school to host tea parties in his backyard. The boys go to the counselor dude. Oh, it's a Father's Day episode, by his posters. The boys videotape the tea party. After that, Cartman finally gets up the nerve to ask who his dad is. His mom gives a sex talk involving the words "hoo-hoo-dilly in her cha-cha" Basically, she got drunk at the Drunken Barn Dance, supposedly by Chief Running Water, and then she never bothered to date him again since. Cartman now think he's a "naive American."
TV report: T&P have a movie of the week coming out about farting through Iraq. Bob Sagat is unfunny. Cartman shows up in his ah...native culture outfit, wanting to borrow Stan's bike to ride to the reservation. Oh, wait, Bob Sagat is looking for stupid home videos....
At the reservation, Cartman introduces himself and the chief denies his fatherhood, saying that his mom is a "bear with wide canyon." In other words, a dirty slut. The chief says they were making out and then she bailed on him to chase after Chef.
Stan has mailed the video--though now it forces him to watch Bob Sagat. Cartman shows up dressed as a rapper with big hair and a giant clock, which makes Stan think he should make another video. Kenny dies via go-cart on the railroad tracks inexplicably. Cartman shows up at Chef's and horrifies him with his outfit. Cartman tells the story and Chef denies it. He then sings a sex ed talk, which seems to derail for awhile when the lady's in the can. At the dance, Chef says he was ditched for Mr. Garrison. OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO.
Cut to Cartman's tea party on television.
Stan's parents offer him sympathy on the death of Kenny. Stan is all "oh yeah," and "can I have some ice cream?" Their video is up for the big money award, that's more interesting.
Cartman goes to confront Garrison at the bar, who says that yeah, he slept with her, but so has everyone else. Oh, the guy with no legs hasn't, but that's it. Garrison says he'll never know who his dad is. The creepy genetic ass guy offers to do some blood testing for $3000, so never mind. Cartman tells the boys this later and they say, "Sorry your mom's a whore, dude." And really, what else is there to say? Well, that and "we'll give you part of our prize money if you win." What kind of video did you make? Unfortunately for these three boys, someone made a video of Kenny being hit by a train and "OH MY GOD, THEY VIDEOTAPED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!" And that wins. It was Grandpa. They do still win $3000 as a consolation prize.
Time for the blood testing...I can't even keep track of all of those dudes. And the winner is.... one of nine guys or a football team. BUT YOU WON'T FIND OUT UNTIL NEXT SEASON. Son of a bitch, indeed.
Jay Leno was a guest artist?
On to season 2! Which starts out with..oh, goody, Terrance and Phillip. April Fool's! No baby daddy reveal this week! Fuck you!
I'm not even gonna bother to recap a half hour of farting. While I endure this episode, I'm reading AV Club commentary and the comments about how so many people complained about this episode. Even though it was way too many years ago, I can understand that urge because I want to go back in time and complain myself. HOO BOY THIS IS A JOKE THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR A HALF HOUR.
Blame the writing of this on Tricia Nixon and Trey Parker.
Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut:
Oh, look, Kenny just magically appeared out of nowhere, followed by a gunshot and power outage....and that creepy genetic dude (Mephisto) has been shot! From outside! Cartman still doesn't know who his father is! The kids and Chef drive Mephisto to the hospital. Cartman makes the mistake of saying he has to finish the song "Sail Away" any time he hears the start of it. My ears hurt.
"We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety!" "Erm, where are our children?"
America's Most Wanted shows up. They claim their show is about family. "It IS?"
Cut to Cartman's mom wanting a retroactive abortion. WHAT. Because she's not up to being a parent...eight years later. After being told she can't get a 40th trimester abortion, she hauls off to talk to her congressman.
Cut to the nasty surgery room. "Oops, his head fell off."
Cut to auditions for America's Most Wanted. The guy playing Mr. Garrison does better than Mr. Garrison.
Cut to Cartman's mom talking to her congressman in bed. He tells her to talk to the governor instead.
Cut to more "Sail Away." At this point I think I would have dropped watching the show if it was live.
More hospital. Everyone's going to die if they don't get more help, hope the power doesn't go out...."Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?'
Cut to the episode of America's Most Wanted's re-enactment, which is ruined by the power outage.
Cut to Cartman's mom in the governor's bed.
Cut to the hospital where everyone is an honorary doctor now.
Cut to Jimbo saying that after 4 hours of a power outage, it's time to resort to cannibalism.
The "Was it Barbrady? Was it Garrison? Was it Chef?" thing has gotten old. As has recapping this stuff, actually. If you care, just pick up reading here. I like that the reviewer claims to have fallen asleep twice during T&P. But really, this shit is just terrible. I liked the first Dirty Slut, but 3 out of the last 4 have been bad. And the hermaphrodite thing? "THIS IS FUCKING WEAK," indeed.
Okay, so I took the rest of the day off for awhile, went to work, watched a palate cleanser, and I'm out to do my duty for #4: Ike's Wee Wee. That title alone is not boding well right now.
Mr. Mackey ("mmkay" counselor dude with giant head) wants to talk to the kids. They all imitate his accent mmkay and he doesn't notice, mmkay. Drugs are bad, mmkay? So is alcohol. "Okay, that about wraps up my introduction." Weed is also bad and stinky. He passes some around to everyone. SO THEY CAN SMELL IT.
Ike's bris party is this weekend. Kyle doesn't know what that means. UH-OH.
The "marriage-juana" has disappeared. Principal Victoria cans Mr. Mackey for that one. That is not mmkay. The kids have all been searched. Who's got the weed? Mr. Garrison, always.
Chef finds himself in the awkward position of having to explain a bris. Cartman has been told to call that "a fireman." Chef gets fed up and tells them to ask their parents for once.
Parents drive by Mr. Mackey and insult him for being a stupid drug-taking hippie. He goes to a bar.
Stan has found out that a bris is about chopping off his wee-wee!
Mr. Mackey loses his home.
Kyle and the other kids run screaming when they have this confirmed. Kyle has to save his little brother! "We're not staying in your house with your wee-wee-chopping parents."
A homeless guy offers Mr. Mackey weed, which he declines because that makes you feel depressed. "You're not depressed now?" Good point, Mr. Mackey says, and he smokes the weed and feels better.
Kyle tries to ship Ike off on a train. Kick the baby!
Mr. Mackey hangs out with hippies in the wood and his head turns into a balloon. He hippies out.
Kyle comes up with a fake baby. Then the dog eats the baby. And then gets exploded or some shit. Cut to the funeral. Kenny dies again.
I think I missed the part where the parents were told that Ike was alive, but Kyle's still feeling all betrayed that Ike is adopted. Ike turns up under a table in a bar, of course.
Mr. Mackey has a hippie girlfriend, and then he's taken away to rehab. In rehab, they tell him he should have been doing drugs in college and then stopping.
The bris is on again. Ike wants to bond with Kyle and Kyle doesn't. The mohel shows up and Ike bounces off looking for help from Kyle. Kyle rips his parents a new one. Then things get awkward when Kyle finds out he had one--"we're just going to snip it so it looks bigger." Now everyone wants one.
Mr. Mackey gives a second version of his drug speech, while the other boys are all having brisses, mmkay?
Wow, it's been quite a run of holiday episodes. It's the Christmas pageant and Kyle is playing Joseph--until his mother loses her shit because they're Jewish. "Can you do something else?" At which point Kyle starts to sing "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo." What's THAT? Kyle gets ditched while everyone else sees Santa at the mall, but he still has Mr. Hankey--he gifts everyone with a lot of fiber in their diet.
Is "It's Hard To Be A Jew On Christmas" the first non-Chef song on this show? POOR KYLE.
Of course Kyle's mom is campaigning to get rid of the pageant. Just as the mayor thinks it might be a good idea to find a new icon for the holidays...Kyle has a suggestion again! No one likes it.
Over at the Hanukkah house, Ike plays with candles and Kyle gets yelled at. While in the bathroom....you guessed it. "Howdy-ho!" Mr. Hankey hops around getting poo on everything while he sings. But when Kyle is walked in on, he's caught holding inanimate poo. Mr. Hankey reanimates later, agreeing to show himself to the kids. GUESS HOW WELL THAT GOES.
The Most Inoffensive Christmas Ever continues, with the losing of decorations and the testing of citizens to find the most offensive words. Mr. Garrison asks for non-Christmas songs and this time Cartman has a suggestion....the "Kyle's Mom's A Bitch" song. Am I horrible for liking that so much? Mr. Hankey doesn't and reanimates himself enough to throw himself at Cartman...and then guess what everyone else sees. Time to send Kyle to therapy. Poor Kyle can't get sane with Mr. Hankey popping in and out...and into people's drinks. Time for the nut house.
Wow, Kenny survived pulling out the Christmas lights! And the shark!
Why is Kyle's mom seeing the Christmas play? She even said the C-word.
I love the songs in this one. Here comes Chef.
The performance features Philip Glass and a bunch of leotards. Fighting ensues.
OH MY GOD THERE IS A LIVE ACTION COMMERCIAL TO MAKE YOUR OWN MR. HANKEY WITH A FECAL FISHING NET AND COSTUMES.
After everyone says they believe, Mr. Hankey animates. "Talking poo is where I draw the line," says Cartman, along with "Screw this, I'm going home." Mr. Hankey breaks up the fighting and brings the entire town to let him out of the rubber room and sing along.
"Something feels unfinished. What could it be?" THAT KENNY'S STILL ALIVE! WOO HOO!
Jesus blows out his candles in the studio, alone.
Now for Damien: Cartman's birthday is coming and there's a new Satanic kid in school. When Cartman acts like a dick, there goes Cartman's desk. We find out that Cartman tells people what to buy him. After Kenny says something foul, Damien turns him into a platypus. Chef sings about laying any woman down..."What were we talking about again?" After Damien starts flinging shit around the room, Chef says, "That is one fucked-up little cracker." Damien demands to talk to Jesus, so they go find him.
While Damien sets the playground on fire, Pip tries to sympathize. Then Jesus shows up. They schedule the FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL. On Cartman's birthday. What to do, what to do? No party.
And here comes Satan in his first appearance ever! He's huge and Jesus feels inadequate. Everyone changes their bets.
Damien's in with the school counselor, who counsels him to be passive, just like Pip. Damien apologizes and says he had no choice. This doesn't go over well.
Jesus is unthrilled at everyone no longer betting on him. "You're all a bunch of Judases!" He asks the kids to help him train, along with Chef who's afraid to hit him. That goes about as you'd expect, i.e. painfully for Jesus.
Birthday time! Damien and Pip sit on the sidewalk. After Pip points out that people like the fat kid because he picks on Pip, Damien has An Idea! He makes Pip explode and gets an invite. Cartman opens his gifts and beats up Kyle for not getting him a Mega Man part, then cancels the party.
On to the fight! Stan gives a motivational speech involving Nancy Kerrigan, which, um.... never mind. Jesus throws one punch and Satan pusses out. WHAT? Well, who was the one person who bet on Jesus to win? Now he'll take all of your money and leave!
Poor Kenny gets shot by Uncle Jimbo. Damien leaves. Cartman eats pie alone.
Tom's Rhinoplasty has a "Special Guest Voice: That Chick From Species."
It's another holiday episode--VD! Cartman buzzkills Wendy's romantic dreams.
So you know that sign that's always in the background of town shots? Mr. Garrison is out for surgery and the principal wants you to show the sub the same respect. That'll go well. Oh wait, never mind, the sub is a pretty woman named Ellen. Every boy is in love and Wendy is distressed. Especially when Stan pukes. Wendy cannot dissuade everyone from the Miss Ellen love and has a flashback montage of all of Stan's vomit.
Miss Ellen finds out that Mr. Garrison never taught math, but did teach about gossip. Chef comes in and sings "No Substitute For You." That's very romantic, Chef.
Down at Tom's Rhinoplasty, Mr. Garrison decides he wants Hasselhoff's nose.
Wendy sits down for a talk with Miss Ellen. "Don't fuck with me. Stay away from my man!" Oh, Wendy. So sweet until she's angered.
Miss Ellen opens her gifts. Wendy gives her a dead animal, which fazes Miss Ellen not at all. Miss Ellen offers the winner of the spelling test a date. Wendy continues her campaign to make Miss Ellen ugly, which still doesn't work. Chef is the one that has to tell them that Ellen is a lesbian, which the boys have never heard of. Chef refuses to explain other than "lesbians only like other lesbians," so the kids decide to become lesbians. They get Birkenstocks, CD's and lick carpet.
Mr. Garrison now has the Hasselhead. Chicks dig it.
Wendy has Bebe come over with a makeup kit for a makeover. HOLY DAMN SHE GOT A GREASE MAKEOVER. Of course, so did Miss Ellen, who's delighted. And then Mr. Hasselson shows up to announce he's quitting. To "hang out and screw hot chicks." Miss Ellen will stay on! Stan got the best grade on the spelling test. And Wendy's grandma just died.
Out at dinner, Stan thinks they're making love. Miss Ellen is all "WHAT?" Wendy is sad. Mr. Garrison is mobbed by chicks. After the date, Stan thinks they made love. Kenny tries to explain more explicitly what that is. Wendy makes amends to everyone, especially Miss Ellen. Mr. Garrison decides to get his head put back to normal.
The classroom is invaded by Iraqis who claim Miss Ellen is a traitor to the government. She accidentally throws a sword at Kenny on her way out the door. Wendy and Stan try to kiss but it ends the way it normally does. Poor Miss Ellen is fired into the sun. Wendy throws a party and she apparently speaks Iraqi. WENDY IS TERRIFYING. DON'T FUCK WITH WENDY TESTABERGER.
Mecha Streisand: Robert Smith will be playing the role of Robert Smith.
The kids are on a field trip digging arrowheads. Pip and Cartman fight over one via playing Roshambo. Oh, Cartman's definition of Roshambo--it involves a lot of nutkicking. Though Cartman doesn't care about the arrowhead, he just wants to kick nuts. Kyle checks out the next arrowhead Cartman threw out and it lights up. Kyle will not engage in nutkicking about it.
Leonard Maltin goes to see Chef at the cafeteria, asking him if he'd seen Barbra Streisand recently. Nope. "Good, then I'm not too late." Leonard wants to know where the kids are. Streisand flies in and finds them, and they don't like her singing. Cartoon Streisand looks pretty strung out, incidentally. She calls it the "Triangle of Zinfar."
While looking for Streisand, Leonard is all, "If you were her, where would you go?" Cut to Tom's Rhinoplasty....no, wait, where would she be STAYING? Barbra is looking for a second triangle, because she already has the first.
Someone--Cartman--is breaking into Kyle's room for the triangle, but he's waylaid by Ike. Kyle gets fed up and gives Cartman the damn thing to get him to leave the house.
Chef is driving around Leonard and he tries to make Leonard explain the plot of crazy. I'm not even gonna try to recap that, let's just say that if she gets two triangles she becomes MECHA-STREISAND. Then she shows up in a Groucho face claiming to be "Mrs. Jones" and needing it for kidney dialysis. Cartman proposes more nut-kicking, and they make fun of Streisand. She is unpleased. They all hop in her car despite any good judgment.
Cut to Sidney Poitier and Sally Struthers filming something, followed by Sidney being notified by...shell women....?.... of what Streisand is up to. Which is torturing schoolchildren with chains and a rack. And singing. With two triangles she becomes.... a giant dinosaur robot.
Leonard and Chef arrive at Barbra's and Leonard frees the kids with his laser vision and has Chef call up Robert Smith. Jimbo the hunter's after the biggest deer ever. Kyle's mom manages to appeal to Mecha Streisand by asking for her autograph and swooning. Leonard shows up and ....superheros out into a mecha(?) giant thing himself.
Kenny randomly strangles himself accidentally while playing tetherball for no good reason.
Sidney Poitier shows up. And turns into a giant turtle. And gets thrown by Mecha-Streisand. She also takes out Leonard. Robert Smith to the rescue! As a giant butterfly! By punching her in the nose, the triangle is dislodged and Mecha-Streisand flies into space and explodes. Robert Smith Roshambos Cartman for his walkie-talkie and wins before leaving. The episode ends with a Mecha-Ike.
Hoo boy, was that one bad. I'm not a super fan of Streisand, but feh.