Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
Continued from here. It's almost over! I have one disc to go on Monday! This is the third disc of season sixteen.
A Scause For Applause
Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson! Out of nowhere! Everyone runs to the bathroom to check.
Butters barges out of the bathroom, full of rage, and tells everyone off. "The only one with any sense of dignity is Kenny and the rest of you have your heads up your butts." Also, nobody will tell Jimmy his jokes aren't funny. He goes back in again.
Butters won't let Cartman get the last word either.
Butters just told off his dad, too. They decide that he's "flowering." I'm pretty sure he's not a girl, so what does that mean?
The whole family is not of this place. They're from.... They must deal with them as per their own culture.
He must journey to his birth place for the ceremony of "whatever." They were born in the distant land world of....HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I see Trey Parker's still obsessed with his Hawaii trip from the ziplining episode.
"Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters."
"We eat poke that the Safeway provides." He's also Hawaiian royalty because his parents were around when Elvis was.
You're not an emo chick on your period, you're a salmon about to spawn.
"Take this, son, it is our mahalo rewards card." "Now we must turn our back on you." Literally.
Butters heads off on the bus. Kenny, you're his best friend, go rescue him.
They wouldn't let him on the plane. Kenny sighs and tries to help. He isn't allowed on the plane because he appears drunk!
They'll let him go if Kenny goes. Plenty of points on the card.
Lihue airport! Butters announces himself as a native Hawaiian. He is welcomed by some people who don't want Kenny there.
Pretty sure these people don't get what "native" means. But they also have a rewards card.
"These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors." Coco Palms.
Bubba's Burgers! I've been there!
"Natives" live at Sheraton Residences.
Kenny writes a letter about living amongst the natives. Their diet is coconut milk and vodka. Also, he saw a girl with the nicest boobs ever.
Butters has his ceremony. Drink that booze and your aggression will melt away.
OMG THE MAHALO REWARDS CARD IS BEING ELIMINATED!!!!!
The haoles want to get rid of us! However can we show off as being natives now?
Cruise ship arrives. Protest ensues: by hitting golf balls at them.
Oh great, now you sunk an entire cruise ship. With a golf ball.
Tourists are being shoved off the island. Obama sympathizes.
Butters tries to defend Kenny from being murdered. Good luck with that.
"I have lived on this island for ten years! For July and part of August!"
They're going to make Kenny Face The Challenge!
He's paddling out to sea. And paddles around the buoy. They're impressed. Then he falls off. Kenny floats away. "He'll find his way back to his kind. The gods will protect him."
WHICH GODS? THE ELDER GOD CTHULHU?
Kenny hits a waterfall.
At Smith's Tropical Paradise, they're trying to unite the tribes. "Your ancestors flew here six months ago, mine came on a ship nine months ago."
Butters is still mad. He riles everyone up to kill haoles in a horrible way. Way to be a traitor to your friend, dude.
We're out of chi-chi's!
Kenny lived! He floated ashore to the Coco Palms.
Here comes the Coast Guard. They fire...dead fish? What is that?
"LAUNCH THE BOCCE BALLS!" This does no damage.
"WE CAN'T FIGHT WITHOUT CHI-CHIS!"
Kenny falls through the floor and finds the ghost of Elvis. Follow him! He gives a tour.
HERE IS A GIANT STASH OF VODKA FOR YOUR CHI-CHIS.
We must surrender to the American government! Butters is still angry.
Kenny returns with the giant vodka stash!
Kenny's letter round 2: he has become one with the natives. The rewards cards were reinstated. Our two cultures will live in peace. Nice head lei, Kenny.
Butters has his ceremony. With Kenny! Here are your cards!
Butters is behind on his Affleck gossip and which Jennifer he's with. He feels so much better now. He owes the kids an apology.
Aw, that was rather cute. But I'm hella biased because the magical word of "Havaii" was mentioned.
Note: according to the commentary Trey has a house in Hawaii and has wanted to do an episode there for ages. It's based off of "Amok Time."
A Scause For Applause:
Walgreens is removing everyone's wristbands. Everyone is angry about some kind of fraud. Cartman has a lot of them hidden under that red jacket.
Is this about Lance Armstrong?
Oh, Jesus was on drugs and it's the WWJD bracelets being cut off.
"Jesus did not suffer for our souls. In fact, he was very high." The pope is mad.
"I know people that paid $10 for those bracelets. I bet they all feel pretty stupid now."
Stan still has his.
"Dark times, brah, dark times."
Stan is caught with his bracelet on. "Didn't you hear Jesus did all his miracles on drugs?"
Now Stan is on Charlie Rose for that. "You just like it?"
"If Jesus rose from the dead with the help of drugs, that's fine."
"Please welcome a retarded fish."
"I can't believe in Jesus any more because he's a damn fraud." Mr. Mackey has a brown bracelet for believing in himself or Stan or something. "Stan Ground!"
Butters has one. He got it at 7-11. Also, they're now in Russia.
"Are you ready for your Nike commercial?" "Yes."
"I stand for standing." "Would you like to be seated?" "No thanks, I'll stand."
STANfor something. STANground.
Mr. Garrison is teaching about Celebrity Rehab when the cameras come for Stan. He's been caught removing his bracelet. Please let us check it for Super Glue.
Craig is the one who told that rumor.
And yet, it's true.
"Why does it matter?" "Because you kind of made it matter."
"You need to Bill Clinton this." Stan's room is covered in posters of himself and Nike boxes.
Stan blames it all on the French scientist. Who is all annoyed at his wife.
Uh-oh, Home Shopping is on TV there.
Jesus and Stan are both breaking into this place.
They get caught.
Jesus, did you take HGH to do your miracles? No! Did you cut your wristband off? No!
If we can just get people to care about Belarus instead...Let's get some bracelets!
They're called "scauses," apparently. Hence the title. Jesus is confused.
Here comes a Dr. Seuss explanation of the whole thing. That's pretty clever, actually.
"and pink scauses that focus on nothing but tittles."
Mr. Mackey now has an orange scause for Belarus. As does everyone else.
Maybe it was all part of Stan's plan to draw attention to Belarus.
"now I think you're a sneaky little butthole."--Butters.
Uh-oh, everyone just died while Jesus is being interviewed on TV. And bulldozered.
He can't pronounce "Bell-ar-us" either.
Everyone's at the scause cart, pissed off. Cartman is stocking up. "A lime one for how much I hate Kyle."
The scause guy packs up his stuff, realizing the last cent has been made and it's time to go.
"We got everyone duped by a bracelet company." It's time to accept the hate directed towards us, said Jesus.
What would Jesus do, really? Break out his HGH and chug it. He HULKS out and breaks through the door and runs to the scause company, trashing everything and beating up people. Vengeance is his!
He feeds the guy to his scause machine.
The building explodes.
Everyone cheers Jesus.
"When stripped of our scauses, causes are left." Jesus ends with poetry and free T-shirts for Pussy Riot.
It's election day in Colorado. Cartman is in a strange outfit from the 1910's (?) crying for his mommy.
Now he's on a plane with sunglasses.
In Charlotte, he pulls the same thing.
He's....doing this a lot?
"Would you like some warm nuts, sir?"
Pulls it in Florida.
In Vegas, here he goes again.
It's Wednesday now. Obama wins! Stop crying, Ike.
What if Cartman has something in his room that could change the outcome of the election?
A SHIT TON OF BALLOTS, APPARENTLY. From swing states.
Telling Kyle about this is all part of his fiendish evil plan.
The Chinese secured the victory, so now Obama has to do what they said.
"Everyone knows General Tso's chicken."
Of course Cartman has gotten rid of the evidence before the cops come.
Stan and everyone else want Morgan Freeman to explain the electoral college to them.
Don't make me swallow this! Is that an M&M? I'm allergic to the almond ones. Butters swallows it.
Did Butters just die?
Cartman eats a shit ton of crab while the Chinese watch.
Pray Darth Eric doesn't alter the deal any further.
Here comes Obama to Red Lobster.
Butters is in the hospital. If he doesn't tattle, Stan will call his dad on him.
Kenny has to translate for a too-swollen-to-be-comprehensible Butters.
China wants the rights to Star Wars movies, Obama won't do it until he gets the ballots.
Morgan Freeman comes in to explain.
He earns freckles for that.
Cartman wants to be in the movie. Time to play chicken, General Tso. Jimmy gets the joke. Cartman poofs away somehow.
Obama ran against a duck.
"Just old junk and a bunch of Eric's mom's dildos."
No TV for Eric for a few days for stealing ballots.
Boba Fett's ship just showed up. Mickey Mouse is piloting. "Oh shit, it's him again." Mickey is offended because he owns it all.
Cartman poisons Butters with an M&M again.
He hid the ballots at a Hummer sales lot, where nobody goes.
At Disneyland: Cartman is escorted in with handcuffs by stormtroopers. He is wearing a "Lil' Stinker" shirt with a skunk on it.
Cartman already got a lightsaber at K-Mart, he just wants a movie plot. Well, why didn't you just come to me in the first place?
He wants a character named "Jewbacca" and to be Luke's son. Sure, whatever, says Mickey.
"I have tauntauns coming out my asshole."--Mickey Mouse.
The General Tso's Chicken joke has been made one million times, now you get a check from P.F. Chang's, Kyle!
"Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning!"
Kyle figures out where the ballots are."Got some 2009's here. Never been driven...ever."
The salesman is excited to see Asians. General Tso pulls out his gun when--
Here comes Cartman on a tauntaun.
Morgan Freeman explains it all to you again.
There's a freckle.
"We just found some tremendous deals on cars that no one wants." Stan sets fire to the ballots and everyone holds hands and sings around it.