Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Continued from here. And now we'll be taking a break from South Parking for a week, since my TV watching may not be entirely under my control or ah, private from those who do not like watching foul children. I'll be missing the season premiere, but oh well, that horse left the barn months ago.
Eat, Pray, Queef
This time it's STAN who has a $100 check from his grandma. Randy is forcing Stan to put it in the bank and invest it.
"It's gone. It's all gone."
WHAT THE FUCK?
RECESSION: A NATION IN PERIL.
THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!
The economic reporter just shot himself in the head on national television.
Dinner is McCormick style: hot dogs and tomatoes.
Randy has a Margaritaville machine, which drowns out his ranting.
"They made the economy very angry."
Cartman blames it all on the Jews again.
Randy blames it on everyone.
"Yeah, I want to return this stupid Margaritaville my dad bought." Sur La Table is only getting refunds, but they won't give any.
Randy bought it on a payment plan.
Everyone in town now lives in their sheets.
"We can get around on llamas.... our kids can play with squirrels....NO MORE NEEDLESS SPENDING!" Randy preaches.
Kyle preaches spending more. The Council (whoever that is) will now be after Kyle.
Stan goes to the finance company to try to return the Margaritaville. They won't take it back either and the guy tells him to go to Wall Street.
I'm pretty sure this makes no sense whatsoever.
The Council. The entire town has gone over to your ways, Mr. Marsh. We don't even lose electricity any more.
"I am pretty smart, yay," --Randy.
"We've got guards at the malls to make sure nobody buys anything stupid."
Kyle was speaking blasphemy. He was rallying people to spend more!
"What harm can one Jew do against our economic recovery movement?"
"Excuse me, we need to borrow your squirrels!"
"Garrison, you have brought your filth to us for the last time!" He went shopping and now he gets attacked by squirrels.
"What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels at a man who has angered the economy?"
Whoever hasn't bought something stupid, huck the next squirrel. Someone does it.
Stan, go to the treasury department.
Kyle got a credit card to prove a point.
Faith is what makes an economy exist.
Is Kyle the economy's only son, here to save us?
Cartman will help if you just get him a game.
Stan's at the treasury department. I don't think anything is going to happen, somehow.
They come back with suspicious blood on them.
The Last Supper at Whistlin' Willy's. Kyle is bummed out. I just have a feeling this is the last time we're going to be able to do this. Also, someone is totally going to betray him. GEE, I WONDER WHO, CARTMAN.
Stan is pretty sure the Margaritaville isn't worth 90 trillion dollars, but he won't get that anyway.
Stan sneaks into the secret office where a chicken is butchered and the headless chicken wanders around the chart. Bailout!
Stan throws the margarita machine on the chart and leaves.
Kyle is... paying everyone's debts. Don't ask me how.
Kyle is dead! No, he just passed out. We should get him to bed.
Kyle fixed the economy a bit.
Randy wants another Margaritaville.
Obama gets Kyle's credit. "Oh, come on!"
Eat, Pray, Queef:
Part 2 of the new Terrance and Phillip is on! We're going to find out who Phillip farted on to get out of jail!
"That show is so dumb." I AGREE.
Why do boys think farts are funny? --Bebe. Boys are so stupid--Wendy.
The boys are watching The Canada Channel: the only channel in Canada. One of them farted on the President and the other took the heat.
But it will not be shown tonight to see the Queef Sisters!
"The fuck is this?"
Oh, South Park Guys. You pull the same thing on your show characters that you did on your audience in the second season.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DISGUSTING CRAP?" All they do is queef all the time, say T&P. Why isn't that funny?
"Your farts have gotten stale." --TV executive.
Cartman is calling to complain. He does not find it funny. Clyde threw up.
Some girl in class can queef whenever she wants. (It's when a lady blows air out of her vagina, if you somehow missed that.)
Here comes Samantha to queef. Butters is traumatized.
There's going to be a meeting at school about the queefer. Sharon: "So?"
Principal Victoria sees a kid once a week when a boy farts on a girl. Who cares?
Regis and Kelly have the Queef Sisters on.
Men enjoy farts, so why can't women enjoy queefing? We've even written a feminist book about it, Eat, Pray, Queef. Kelly joins in and Regis runs away.
T&P are fired because queefing has caught on. Here's some cookies.
OH NO, IT'S MARTHA STEWART DECORATING QUEEFS.
Now Sharon is doing it. She and Shelly laugh. "It's kind of funny how much it bothers you."
Great Barrier Queef joke!
Randy, how many times have you hotboxed me? THAT's DIFFERENT.
T&P are on the Queef Sisters. "The show is going aboot as well as it could."
We've come to kill you! The Queef Sisters think it's appropriate to die at the hands of their beloved idols.
Now everyone's turned on by each other instead.
Butters is in bed, moaning.
The Canadian foursome go wine tasting.
"Dammit, Katie, I was trying to enjoy my wine!" "Oh, that was me, farting." HAHAHAHAH!
Nobody knows who is who. They drink and drive.
"Queefing has become an acceptable evil." Cartman's at Congress again.
Randy will explain the difference to you. We even name our farts.
Women name theirs too! "We have the Sneezing Unicorn...."
A naming competition ensues.
The lovebirds are fighting about queefing and slapping in bed. THIS ISN'T GOING WELL. The ladies kick them out naked.
The men apologize. Sex ensues. It's really funny when Canadians do it.
Queefing has been banned!
"Well, guys, looks like you got us. Good job." --Sharon.
This episode is suddenly making me want to cry. Because men couldn't let us have this one little thing, could you?
I'm....suddenly thinking a lot better of Matt and Trey (but mostly Trey) for this episode.
Time for a song! We've been keeping women down! And women have the right to queef! Fly free! While showing heroic photos of women.
"You are a woman now, and you are free to queef." EVEN CARTMAN IS SINGING ABOUT HOW WOMEN NEED RESPECT.
T&P and the Queefs are getting married. The farts vs. queef wars continue.
Wow. That was a good episode.
Jimmy is trying to write new jokes. Cartman has to hang out with Jimmy because everyone is mad at him. He'll help!
On the one hand, Cartman doesn't like any jokes. On the other hand, they're not good jokes. Cartman wants better food than the fruit Jimmy's mom handed out. You want some fishsticks in the fridge instead?
JIMMY HAS AN IDEA. FISH DICKS!!!! "Dude, that's funny as shit!"
"What are you, a gay fish?" Butters sexplains the joke. (I typo'd and then kept it.)
The joke makes it everywhere, including Jimmy Kimmel and Letterman and Leno.
It is possibly the funniest joke ever seen, its origin unknown. Kanye doesn't get it.
"If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would know." --Kanye.
Cartman brags about being a comedy writer with Jimmy. Jimmy seems...quiet. Cartman wants compensation.
Jimmy, what part of the joke did Cartman write? None of it.
Craig is all, "Just give him half of the money, it's not worth it." Kyle likes to pick fights. Craig is a smart dude.
KANYE IS A GENIUS, NOT A FISH.
"Any questions?" "Do you like fishsticks?" "No." "Then you're a gay fish!"
Carlos Mencia is on Conan taking credit for the joke.
"Oh man, you must be gay fish, homes!"
"But Jimmy, some fat turd is taking credit for something he didn't do!" --Cartman.
Jimmy tries a moment of honesty. Not a good idea.
WE HAD A DEAL, JIMMY.
Kanye concert, everyone has gay fish signs and even a costume. He stomps out.
"Why is everyone calling me a gay fish?"
Fishsticks + me = gayfish
Breaded, fried, frozen
Cartman wants Kyle to teach him "Jew defensive moves."
"I believe that you believe you helped write that joke." Because that's what people like you do to convince themselves they're awesome when really they're just douchebags.
Cartman re-imagines the incident, along with KILLING A DRAGON AND NOT BEING FAT.
"Is it that I'm fashionable and fishsticks are crunchy?"
Carlos Mencia is now tied up for "originating" that joke. Kanye's got a baseball bat.
"I took credit for it because I'm not actually funny!"
"I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent!" Also, his dick doesn't work and he doesn't have one. Here come the guys with baseball bats.
Now we're on to Ellen. Cartman and Vollmer are on. Cartman brags about working with crippled people. Jimmy can't get a word in edgewise and cries.
Kanye prepares the jet.
Eric, how do you live with yourself? How do you look in the fucking mirror?
Here comes Puff Daddy! Cartman will explain..... with Jew robots attacking.
Jewbots! Flame on!
Jimmy, you totally believe you came up with it on your own?
Your ego is so big you just make everything about you no matter what other people say.... CUT TO KANYE.
"They weren't making fun of me. They were trying to help me." --Kanye.
Kanye's gonna jump in the water because he's a gay fish. Uh.........does he have gills now? I seem to recall a doctor checked him for that.
Kenny has a girlfriend! For two weeks! Tammy Warner--the one girl in school whose family is poorer than Kenny's.
Butters finally noticed. Oh yeah, she's also a fifth grader.
Oooh, she's also a slut! Kenny is all, "woo hoo!" This does not surprise me.
There's a lot of rumors about me, but they're true....Kenny does a happy dance behind her.
Every time I see the Jonas Brothers, I get all tingly and I totally lose control, and then that guy took me to TGI Friday's....
"Two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert!"
Cartman, where's your mouth been with regards to a weiner before? Right, on Butters?
Kenny buys condoms. Woo hoo!
Oh my god, it's that tingling again!
Some girl starts humping a brother's leg and is dragged away by security. Another is hauled away on a stretcher.
There's Mr. Slave.
"I just want to attack you Kenny!" "Woo hoo!"
Uh-oh, the band would like Tammy to come backstage.... Hey!
We called you back here to see if you'll wear purity rings with us! That's just how we roll!
"How did it go last night?" "Purity ring."
It's okay, Butters, they have purity rings now. A ring where you stay together without sex--isn't that a wedding ring?
Jonas Brothers song on purity rings. Kenny is staring at the other kids TP'ing houses and making dirty snowmen.
And when you get totally bored with each other, you can hang out with other boring couples!
Even the Jonases are sick of the rings.
Here comes Mickey. Everyone else flees.
Purity rings are about selling six to little girls! "But we don't want to be selling sex to little girls any more!"
Also, Mickey beats the shit out of a Jonas.
"This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together!" Kenny is looking at Gray's Anatomy DVD's instead.
"Somehow putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd." "These Disney douchebags are causing all this!"
You'll be dousing the audience in white foam, right? Yup.
Cartman just got darted by Disney. Ditto the other two.
Who do you work for, Dreamworks?
Mickey kicks Cartman. I approve.
Mickey threatens the kid with a chainsaw. The Jonases think they've angered God and calls everyone the f-bomb.
Someone "subtly" plays Mickey chewing out the boys and talking about making girls' ginies tickle because they're fucking stupid and the rings let me do whatever I want. I've made billions off of Christians because they're stupid....
Mickey gets bigger and breathes fire... "That's it, girls, no more Disney TV for awhile."
"And once again, Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit." "Vengeance is mine."
Tammy is all, we're way too young to be boring, let's take off our rings and just be kids again!
Let's go to TGI Friday's!
Once again, Kenny died. Of a blow job? Nope, syphilis can be caught even with protection.
Crime rate up! No end in sight! Cartman is Batman! Who is he to talk about morals?!?!?!
Then he blames it on Obama.
"There is an animal that lives by night. It goes through the trash and picks through the garbage. I am...The Coon."
Lise and Josh are making out in the park. They look a lot like Butters's parents. Cartman thinks it's a rape in progress. "Oh, it's a talking squirrel."
"Oh, not THIS kid again." --cops
Cartman blames it on the mayor being a lesbian.
He's also dropped off some "Who is the Coon?" shirts.
"You guys hear that a rape victim got saved by the Coon last night?" Who's the Coon?
Cartman claims to not support the Coon's methods, and Kyle is all, wearing a costume and running around at night is the f-word. Which is insensitive to butt pirates.
"The city is a dying whore." Classy. OH LOOK, ANOTHER SUPER SOMEBODY. WITH A QUESTION MARK OVER HIS HEAD. DOING THE SAME JOB.
"No no no, I am the symbol this town needs."
Mysterion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You cannot know his identity. "I assume you're Cartman because you're fat."
Is it Kyle? Stan? Clyde? Mysterion leaves. I ALREADY LOVE HIM.
The Coon has a Coonicon 09 event that nobody showed up to.
The Airport Hilton really appreciates your repeated business...aren't you the kid with the ginger pride rally and the AIDS benefit? You're not? That's good, that kid was a douchebag anyway.
"I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices!"
BWAHAHAH MYSTERION IS ON TELEVISION.
The cops are all, "Mysterion, thank god you've come." They love him for reporting graffiti.
Mysterion sets off some fireworks and splits from the complaining Coon.
It's Professor Chaos! Get him, General Disarray!
Mysterion shows up in Kyle's room. Someone's trying to figure out who you are! I need help, someone who can do background checks for me, because you are the smartest kid in class.
We will now show you our secret headquarters of doom!, i.e. the general's grandma's storage unit. "And this is like, a cube of chaos that can destroy the world in one second." (Rubki's Cube.) The minions are hamsters or gerbils or something.
Professor Chaos has suspect walls for Mysterion (lots of suspects). Coon suspects: Fierstein, Vilanich, Cartman.
New Terrorist Threat: If Mysterion doesn't unmask himself, Professor Chaos will blow up...something?
Professor Chaos may hate the world and all that, but blowing up a hospital just seems mean!
Mysterion shows up. "This isn't your usual MO, Chaos." Chaos is incoherent.
SUPERHERO VILLAIN FIGHT!
You killed Mysterion! Nooooooooooooooooo! Hey, wait, he's not dead! THAT SEEMS TO ME LIKE A SIGN.
"Oh, look, everyone, it's the Coon!" "Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?"
Chaos runs away.
If you show your identity, we'll be forced to arrest you for being a vigilante! Don't show it, Mysterion!
Um, who is that? Someone from class, anyway. Take the kid to jail.
Now the Coon can reign supreme. On his little coon trike.
Continued from here. I'm not even bothering to apologize for my absences any more. Somethings things just happen, mmkay? I'm not gonna finish by the premiere and I'll be busy that week, so I finish when I finish.
Pandemic 2: The Startling
About Last Night....
Kenny, you can't have that much hair on your balls at 8 or 9 years old. "What girl is going to see your balls?" "I don't know."
Hippie sitar pan flute band. Ugh. Kenny likes it and dances along.
Then they find a Mexican band. Same thing.
Stan at home: still showing bands everywhere.
"He's upstairs videotaping your grandfather in the bathtub." Randy got a video camera. We have enough footage of dinner!
And now there's that hippie band outside the house. Randy loves it.
They make $200 in CD's? Stan suggests, once again, that they start a band. Cartman, once again, thinks they will make so much money.
Craig, dude, how you doing, bro? Wanna join our band?
They only want to be friends with your for your grandma's $100. Craig totally caves.
"The Llama Brothers: Tapas and Landscapes." How cultural!
And now I get why it's called Pandemic: BATTLE OF THE BANDS.
Peruvian flute bands are now a problem of the US government. I have to say that I've never seen one of these in person, despite this map here.
"This is a pan flute epidemic." "A pandemic."
8 other countries have asked for our help. Let them fend for themselves, one guy yells. He is shot down hard.
The Director of Homeland Security will be taking over the military until the crisis is contained.
The government grabs everyone, including the kids.
"Make sure all pan flute music CD's are contained!"
Do not approach the Peruvian flute band or buy their CD's.
They're all now in an internment camp. One guy gets shot for selling CD's.
Craig is justifiably bitter.
You will spend the rest of your lives at Guantanamo Bay.
I'm sure our parents are freaking out trying to find us!
Randy videotapes the parental fighting.
We got all of the bands! But where do they come from so we can nuke it?
I DUNNO, PERU?
"There isn't a country called Peruvian anywhere!"
Kenny pleading is just so cute.
Also, we're white.
They're a band, but they act like one of us. They're some kind of hybrid. What to do?
Do you know why nobody else in school wants to hang out with you? THINGS LIKE THIS.
"You're always coming up with some stupid idea to do something, and then it backfires, and then you end up in some foreign country or in outer space or something." --Craig
The government will send them in to infiltrate. Not Peru!
You know I can't go there, Stan! "One of our friends was raped in Peru. It was very traumatic." NOT THAT INDY THING AGAIN.
You can't send us away! We're the protectors! Muerte palula! "The furry death?" (I'm guessing on the last word.)
And then the mall is attacked by a flying police car. WHAT IS THAT THING? IT'S VERY FURRY!
Okay, I kinda like this plot, it reminds me of reading Peeps (it's a book) for some reason.
Craig wonders if these people EVER wonder if a plan will backfire.
"You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and I'm being a dick." "Yes!"
"There's no talking to this guy."
Fine, when we get home we'll give you your money back and never talk to you again. That would be nice.
Kyle thinks something else is fishy here.
On the street, everyone is running from the furries... IT'S A GIANT GERBIL! Randy videotapes all.
This was all part of the Homeland Security guy's evil plan, and he kills a dude with his tongue. Ewwwww.
The guinea pigs are rising and the only person who could have stopped all this is on his way to the middle of nowhere...and that person is Craig?!
Pandemic 2: The Startling:
You are not meant to see.
"I'm so startled." Pandemic 2: The Startling.
"My name is Craig Tucker. Last week was my birthday." My grandma gave me a check and I was dumb enough to be talked into something stupid. Now I am in Peru.
Four guys I don't even like lied to me and took my birthday money.
How were we supposed to know pan flute bands would be arrested?
JESUS THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! THEY'RE ATTACKING EVERY CITY! GUINEA PIGS! ALL OVER!
SHOULDN'T EAT PEANUTS WHEN SCARED! Ya think?
It's Randy's Blair Gerbil Project.
"None of what that Homeland Security guy does makes sense!"
Also, we have no more fuel.
Guinea pigs are from the Andes Mountains.
We have bigger problems than pan flute bands, so we were dealing with the guinea pigs....THAT WAS AN ORDER!!!!
A guinea pig eats a guy's arm.
Stop telling Shelly to wave to the camera! Priorities!
"Hold on, I need to get a shot of it from outside!" By rights Randy totally needs to die now.
"You know what happens to most kids? They fall off their bikes. They get in fights with their parents. They get swindled for their birthday money." --Craig
The pilots are eaten by something.
Butters and his family are hiding too. THOSE AREN'T GUINEA PIGS!
No, it's GUINEA PIGS IN BEE COSTUMES! IT STUNG ME! IT STUNG ME!
"It startled me! It really startled me!"
"Let's see what's in there. That's why you guys get into these situations." Craig's deadpan anger is priceless.
Hieroglyps about how pan flute music drives away giant guinea pigs! They kill people if you imprison the pan flute band! DUDE IT'S CRAIG ON THE ANCIENT INCAN WALL!
Homeland Security Guy wants to go to Macchu Picchu. (However that's spelled.)
GUINEA RABBITS! THEY'RE INSIDE!
And so cute!
It's a guinea bear! No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid! Kill me!
All right, it's an Indiana Jones-y temple! Craig refuses to go.
"Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient prophecy wall, buttwipe!" GOOD POINT.
Craig is done. How do you quit? It's easy, watch. He walks off. He leaves the temple. The other kids follow him across the desert.
"We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse.
"IT'S A GUINEASAURUS REX!" I love this episode.
Here come the bombers. They can't blow it up.
"There's Shelly with the guineasaurus rex. Give us a little peace sign, Shelly." No, wait, hold out your palm so you look like you're holding it.
GET HIM, SHARON!
Homeland Security Guy is peeing on a giant gold statue and yelling at him about his prophecy. Nothing can stop me! CRAIG!
"Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle with nobody to pick us up."
Craig didn't say anything.
You can't kill HSG. He's much more evil. He's a guinea pirate!
"Sir, I promise you, I"m not going to ruin your plans. I'll just walk away, see?" Of course, he stepped on just the right spot to activate the gold statue and his own laser eyes....
CURSE YE CRAIG!
I...guess it's dead?
"My name is Craig Tucker. Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the world." The bands were released and they drove the guinea pigs back into the mountains.
Randy didn't have a tape in his camera.
The guinea pirate went to jail and everyone all over the world learned how to appreciate pan flute bands.
We don't always have control over what happens to us. We are all players on the stage of life." Also, don't listen when the kids show up as a mariachi band.
The guinea pirate escaped! It's now a guinea prisoner!
About Last Night....
Obama wins! Obama wins! Randy voted for him? I guess the Broflowskis did too.
We will name the puppy Sparkles.
Everything will be awesome now! Yes we can! Let's taunt the other side!
The other side is the Butters family and the school employees.
The Republicans will be dead by sunrise!
Randy runs in to scream.
Kyle and Ike can't find their parents and Ike is crying. He was a McCain supporter.
1:10 a.m. Obama enters the White House. Somehow he and McCain are doing butt bumps and laughing. It was all part of a secret plot!
Everyone parties in the streets.
Stan calls a noise complaint on everyone.
As usual, Randy has no pants. And wants to flip a cop car. Yes, we can! Hey Mickey!
Cartman is stealing TV's.
"We are about to pull off the greatest heist in history." We're stealing the Hope Diamond! (Oh, that's a fucking brilliant idea, steal the cursed diamond.)
WAIT A MINUTE IT'S OBAMA'S ELEVEN. They just wanted access to the Smithsonian tunnels and one of them would win
The nation will be totally distracted for the next 8 hours.
Also, this is the world's best thief club!
Ike is suicidal.
"Ike, don't jump! You could really hurt your ankle or something!" "Bye!"
It was five feet off the ground.
Obama wants in the Oval Office RIGHT NOW. "Um...sure...."
"Boom, baby." Escape tunnel.
The good news is Randy has his pants back on. The bad news is they're unbuckled, and Randy just cussed out his boss, and he's way too wasted to take Ike to the hospital.
OH NO, NO MORE PALIN.
Palin was also in on the heist. And she's English and intelligent. GO FIGURE. "God, she's awesome."
"Bloody idiots." She busts out of that dress and into a catsuit.
Laser room, uh-oh.
The kids are dragging Ike in a red wagon. The Republicans are fighting over who's going to live in the bunker.
It's been four hours. And people are knocking on the office door. Obama emerges.
Michelle is ticked that they can't get into the diamond vault.
"My job was to pretend to be married to this bozo!" Ouch!
At the hospital, "was he an Obama supporter?" "Why does that matter?" "Because then I'll know if he partied too hard or tried to kill himself." GOOD POINT.
One doctor is out partying and one already hung himself.
"My girls need someone better than a world-class diamond thief." Michelle hacks the laser thing.
"My grandmother who faked her death on Monday calls in a bomb threat."
Of course the diamond is hidden in his anus.
We hired a guy to replace me a few months ago. Er...more like, to fake all of our deaths.
IKE WAS IN ON IT TOO. He changes all of their records. Boom, baby!
Barack decides to hang in and be president after all. "Could have been I didn't make that flight." Michelle, wanna come along? Sure. They make out and it's cute.
I just love happy endings.
Cut to the bunker people. The world is still here! No, no, we didn't over react at all...maybe Obama will be all right.
"Hey, where are my pants! Where's my TV!" Also, where's my job?
I'm sure a happy title like this will have no problems at all. Probably has cheerful cartoon characters and a theme park in it, amirite????
Welcome to Pioneer Village. Not quite a theme park.
Everyone holds hands! Nobody wants Cartman. "Jesus, what have I ever done to you?" he says to Kyle. Who he gave AIDS.
Butters is left! He's never allowed to drop Cartman's hand. This is reminding me of a lot of Gordon Korman books, but especially Bugs Potter.
"Look, can we drop the role playing thing?" I don't want to look like a dork in front of my girlfriend. Wendy: "Thanks, Stan."
"That guy's wearing a digital watch." Sorry!
Of COURSE Cartman wants to shoot an Indian.
Through the fence, Cartman spots a Super Phun Thyme. Butters won't let go of Cartman's hand, Cartman drags him out.
The kids don't do well at role play. Also, they hear police sirens. Who are driving HERE. The gate is closed!
"I'm Sherriff McLawDog, I settled here in--" He gets shot in the head.
Seriously, you don't have a phone anywhere?!
"Are you special little buddies?" NO!
Oh, look, they just found the modern era. There's no dial tone. But they can't break character!
Even the 911 lady finds Pioneer Village annoying. "Lady, you don't know the half of it."
Cartman is having a super fun time. Butters is dragged.
"What are YOU looking at?"
I think Butters dropped his hand on that motorcycle ride.
Why would you rob Pioneer Village, seriously? That place cannot be making money.
Why don't you go GET your pioneer weapons?
Cartman and Butters return to the village and see the cops. "Crap, they called the cops on us." Butters has a meltdown.
There's an underground mine shaft under the village.
They robbed... a fast food restaurant. For the burgers. WHAT.
"I'm just a trusty blacksmith, I don't know the door code!" He dies rather than break character.
The second guy is about to squeal when he's shot by one of the other actors.
Cartman and Butters climb a street light and nearly fall off.
"You let out Murdering Murphy?!"
They will, of course, kill Kenny.
Cartman and Butters land on a truck and jump off into the village.
Stan's going to do something. Look away, Wendy!
Stan puts on a dirt fake beard and starts playacting about looking for a jail door for "Murdering Murphy."
"Finally, someone talks sense."
What kind of number would be good? 1864!
Butters won't let go even at gunpoint. Then he swings and hits the guy. Who shoots at them. And blows up a house.
"You see that guy, Murdering Murphy? He done killed your pa."
Shooting and running ensues.
"Murdering Murphy's gonna kill Pioneer Paul!"
It's 5 p.m. The village is closed. Lucky Paul. "We made it!" Here's how to work the phone and there's a secret back entrance. Time for some jalapeno poppers.
"Stan, you were brave in there. But you did sound like a big dork." "I know."
"I didn't get away, but at least I learned a lot about pioneer life in the Old West." --criminal
Butters drags Cartman out to the bus.
The China Problem:
Oh, this can't go well, I think.
It's the Beijing Olympics! And six billion drums and Cartman having a nightmare about it. "They're going to take over the world!"
The Chinese are going to get me! I...am not gonna argue with that.
Cartman wants to do something to stop them from taking over. Kyle has hit his limit and is leaving the bus stop.
"Our friend was raped! And we stood there and did nothing!" UM WAIT WHAT? WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
Butters is singing in the bath. Cartman invades anyway.
The Chinese will totally kill your parents, Butters.
American Liberation Front: Cartman's new anti-China club or whatever.
Kyle has a nightmare. Watching Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. THAT's the rape they're talking about.
Seriously, there was REALLY nothing you could do. Butters thought it was pretty good.
Oh no, Cartman wants them to fake being Chinese with bad teeth and accents and hats. WTF. At PF Chang's.
Butters slaps Cartman. Well deserved.
They approach Asian people. OH GOD PLEASE DON'T.
"What are they doing?" "I don't know." --Chinese people.
"What are the plans to take over America again? I forgot." --Cartman
Jimmy is crying over the rape of Indiana Jones. Look, I hate the fridge radiation scene too, guys. But you've met the filmmakers before, what did you expect?
Oh lord, they are taking that rape thing LITERALLY in Stan's dream.
The people at the restaurant can tell the difference, you know.
Don't hand Butters a gun, for chrissake. Also, you seem to have taken the restaurant hostage.
"This is stupid, I"m leaving. Screw you." Butters shoots him in the crotch.
Kyle goes to the cops about the rape. I'm sure this will go well. The other kids also agree to testify and cry and say they love each other.
"Kids, kids, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous." Did you see the movie? "I just try not to think about it."
The lawyer reconsiders.
Oh no, there's a Chinese cop! Cartman freaks.
Butters shoots a cop in the crotch. To be fair, he's short with bad aim. But not cool, Butters.
At the police station, that cop refuses to arrest Spielberg and Lucas for rape. He never saw the movie. But Mitch did! Squeal like a pig! Get them britches down!
Cartman bails. He didn't sign up for this. "That's it. Kill me. Do whatever."
The cops break in to find Lucas buggering a stormtrooper. He gets arrested.
"And they found the dead raped bodies of Yoda and Short Round in their closet."
How will we ever carry on? We'll just have to live.
Our long national nightmare is over! Everyone hugs and cries. I see cops making out. Cartman and Butters just walk away
Cartman has learned something today. Fear of Chinese and watching Butters shoot people in the dick makes him welcome the Chinese. Or something.
Butters still thinks that movie was pretty good.
Breast Cancer Show Ever:
Wendy attempts to do a report on breast cancer. Cartman is his usual self.
"Me? You're the one talking about killer titties."
"I don't want to get killed by boobs." -Butters.
Wendy is all, Why doesn't anyone ever do anything about him? Garrison is all, "Eric, stop being offensive."
Wendy, calm down or your boobs will start killing everyone!
Wendy will fight Cartman after school. "You're going to fucking die!" Butters spreads the word. The kindergarteners are delighted.
"Did she just call us emos?" --Emo Kid.
Cartman thinks Wendy will flake. She's totally staring you down. Remember: DON'T FUCK WITH WENDY TESTABERGER. She has her rivals fired into the sun.
Cartman whispers an apology to Wendy. He doesn't wanna fight. She's all, if you're really sorry you can say it in front of everyone. Cartman continues whispering. Yeah, that won't happen.
She calls him out, loudly. And she will beat the fucking shit out of him.
Here come the Goth kids. You're going to let that guy beat up on your woman, Stan? Doesn't that violate jock code?
Cartman now claims his mom has breast cancer. "You really think that's gonna work on me? He offers her $27. The bad lies continue.
Wendy will make him eat his underwear. Cartman actually uh....does it on his own in private to head off the fight. I can't look.
"Are we cool?" "No!"
"You're my bro and she's your bitch. I don''t want to hurt your bitch."
Cartman claims Wendy apologized to him. Then he throws up. Not looking. "Oh, that's where I put those."
Cartman takes a dump on the teacher's desk to get detention.
"Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk?" "What's up? Took a crap on your desk, dawg."
He gets detention. The other kids signal him from outside. People have figured it out.
"Tomorrow morning! You die tomorrow morning!" Right, like he'll show up for school.
I love Wendy's pink sticker bomb room.
Wendy, have you been bullying at school? Why is this kid and his mother over here and he's crying? Sadly, for once Eric is actually being honest.
Fight time, where's Wendy? Now she can't fight and Cartman is clucking. "You came crying to my house last night with your mom!"
Poor Wendy. Cartman always fucking wins.
"Guess you dodged a bullet, Galahad." --Goth kid.
Oh no, Cartman is doing a report on breast cancer. With puns. "You unbelievable bastard. You beat me, but you won't stop." She gets in trouble.
Principal Victoria had breast cancer. "Cancer is pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be destroyed. When there is cancer, you have to fight it. ... Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you." SUDDENLY I LOVE PRINCIPAL VICTORIA AND HER SUBTLE HINTING.
She's gonna fight! Right now!
I love her little rainbow unicorn top underneath. Or whatever it is.
"It's about freaking time." --Goth kid.
Wendy no longer cares about tattling.
One punch and she knocks him down! She beats him into the bars. I love this. I love this. I love this. Even Butters is on her side now.
Cartman falls bloody to the floor. She kicks and kicks him.
Cartman is no longer the cool kid. Was he ever? He cries. "Dude, we never thought you were cool."
"You're just saying that." "No, really." "Our opinion of you couldn't possibly go any lower."
"Don't try to make me feel better, you guys." Cartman thinks everyone likes him anyway.
"The media server in the panic room had a bazillion movies and TV episodes about the monkey paw, the wishing ring, the magic fountain, the Faustian bargain, the djinn, the vengeance-demon, and so on. So she had plenty of time to soak up the accumulated wisdom of the human race on the topic of making wishes, which amounted to a pile of clichés. Maybe she would have done more good as a playwright than as a doctor, after all—clichés were like plaque in the arteries of the imagination, they clogged the sense of what was possible. Maybe if enough people had worked to demolish clichés, the world wouldn’t have ended."