Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Beth Sekishiro: "You don't need to be conventional to love people. Maybe you've got to give up your whole life - but that's just when you'll find it."
I'm from earthquake country, though since I moved further inland I can count on one hand the number of quakes I've actually felt or been told about later because I didn't feel 'em. If they happen here, they are TINY. However, around the middle of the night last night, the apartment was shaking a little around the ceiling, followed by my bed. At first I thought the neighbors were making a racket (it is moving season), then I thought, "I think it's an earthquake." Since I was pretty much asleep, I figured it must not be a big enough deal to get up and get under some furniture, so I went back to sleep. I didn't even TRY to get up.
However, this was the first earthquake at night I didn't quite sleep through, so....
I swear, is there new credit stuff every week? SO... MUCH...STUFF.
All the kids ride trikes? Someone new has moved in. It's a...what is on that kid's head, a mask?
"Are you going to be my new friends?" *snort* "No."
"He said he wanted peace and quiet and to live with a bunch of hicks that don't know anything."
Why are you wearing that mask? "My name's Blanket."
OH NO, THEY WENT THERE. Where were they during that episode when Will Smith moved in?
"The land of booger trees."
"We have arcade games inside." Cartman is in love.
What does your dad do? "He's retired now."
And yup, that's Michael Jackson dancing with a mustache on. I'm sure that will totally disguise your signature moves.
Trey and Matt are totally good at writing a song that Michael Jackson would write. With random "ja-mon" noises.
"I believe in Mr. Jefferson!" The entire town invades the house. Michael swings with Bebe, I'm surprised she's uh, his type.
Michael cuts in line for cotton candy.
Blanket hurt his knee, but Michael is too busy training to pay attention.
The other "Jefferson" kids are with their mom. Blanket was made in a lab.
Bodyguards and nannies totally count as moms.
Cartman is Michael's new best friend and he can come over whenever he wants.
'"A guy moves into South Park with a Ferris wheel in his backyard, and Kyle has to see a problem with it." Yeah, he would do that.
Let's invite Mr. Jefferson to dinner. Nobody recognizes him?
He was in...pharmaceuticals.
What is on Blanket's head? A veil, so he can't eat.
Cartman demands to come over. Stan slams the door on him.
"I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance." Awk-ward.
"Their hearts are full of greed and they have doo-doo in their souls."
The cops find Mr. Jefferson suspicious because he's rich and black. "I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books!"
Michael, in full Peter Pan outfit, shows up at 1:30 in the morning in Stan's room. Blanket was crawling through Kyle's backyard.
"Yay, it's a slumber party!"
"We can't come home, there's a ghost in our house. We're scared."
Okay, everyone fits into the one bed....Then Cartman smushes in.
OMG THEY ARE SO GONNA MAKE OUT.
The cops are spying on Michael's house. "I'm planting the cocaine now." And blood splatter, and pubic hairs from raped girls?!?!
Why are we so into framing African-Americans? I never thought about why, sir, we just do it.
Randy walks in on the slumber party.
Michael hands them $100 apiece and runs out. Sharon forbids them from going over there. Stan is cool with that, Cartman isn't.
Wake up, cops, here's your target.
OMG, THAT GUY'S NOT BLACK! STAND DOWN! SUSPECT IS NOT BLACK!
"I'm never going to frame an innocent man again! Unless I know for sure he's black!"
Michael says they can't go outside any more and Blanket has to put his mask on.
The kids invite Blanket to come chop wood, but Michael is all, "we just want to plaaaaaaaay!"
Don't wave your kid out the window!!!!!
"We have got to get that kid away from that guy."
Playing "got your nose" with Michael Jackson is a baaaaaaaaaad idea. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
The redheaded cop wants to quit the force now. "Every time we frame a rich black guy, he's out on the streets in no time."
Alas, his wife cheers him up and he goes back to work.
Cartman's coming over for a sleepover, but Michael is on the phone begging his doctor to put his nose back on. Now he's melting. I can't look
Here's a ringer kid (blonde) in a mask. "We just gotta pretend you're Blanket." Aren't I too big to play Blanket? "I don't think Mr. Jefferson notices."
"At least you get to do something."
WAIT A MINUTE, IS THAT KENNY OUT OF THE PARKA? IN DIFFERENT CLOTHES AND WITH AN ACTUAL VOICE?!
Michael is "Martin Jefferson." What was that guy framed for? Molestation, nice.
OH JESUS GUYS, DON'T LOOK AT HIS HEAD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Nope, he can't tell the difference. Whee, he can fly.... Yup, that's Kenny. You bastard!
The cops come for Michael and Cartman defends him. OH JESUS HIS FACE FELL OFF.
Kyle lectures him about growing up now that he has kids.
Oh no, sweetie, I don't think you're up to being normal.
Blanket takes his mask off.
If Michael gives away all of his money, the cops no longer care.
Time for a song!
The name alone is giving me an "ugh" here. Ditto the episode after this one.
Lightning hits a freeway sign. A glowing ball shows up. It's a naked alien dude that looks rather human. How many times have aliens been on this show again?
He of course is hit by a car.
Back in South Park, the kids are offering snow shoveling service. For $8000. How about $10? "You're breaking my balls, man!" "How about $15?" "It's a deal."
Cartman does jack shit and talks on the phone while everyone else works and Kyle glares at him.
"All you ever do is talk about your balls!"
Next thing you know, Cartman has had a "shoveling accident."
On the news: a man from the future has come back in time!
He is from 3045. Why is he here? HE'S LOOKING FOR A JOB. Then he can put the money in a savings account, but the hundreds in interest will feed his family.
The time portal follows Terminator rules, i.e. one way trip only, not Back to the Future rules. He's here to stay.
A second person has showed up: that job he got at Wendy's really worked out! (Um....same dude?)
#3 arrives, followed by .... you know, everyone else, and their kids. They duck the cars.
One of the immigrants from the future will shovel snow for 25 cents. They're all doing it. I see some kind of Indian/Mexican worker parallel here.
The purple goo on their bodies is part of the time travel process. Everyone is all one color now because they all fucked each other (TM George Carlin). They also speak Esperanto or something.
The Americans are, of course, all mad about this.
"They terk yer jobs!"
There's now a "caution, future people landing and running across the highway" sign.
It's an invasion!
Now there's a future person as a housekeeper for 10 cents an hour. "Those goobacks are taking our jobs."
"Stan Marsh, how dare you use that time-bashing slur!"
They only wanted jobs nobody else wanted! "I wanted my job!" You can't imagine their depression!
"We're not raising our son to be an ignorant timecist?" Timecist? Like racist, but for time.
Oh goody, it's Bill O'Reilly. It's a pissed off redneck conservative vs. an aging hippie liberal douche.
I forgot to mention that the former looks just like Jeff Foxworthy.
Now classes have to also be taught in future speak. There are new bald brown kids in the class.
"Balls" stays the same in all languages, apparently.
"We feel your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane." -says a congressman.
"How about we cause more global warming?"
How is that going to cause an ice age?
Hey, how'd they get a flying Delorean?!
Wendell's Burgers is now staffed by....
"Double cheeseburger and fries." "Chicken sandwich?"
Stan's parents hear him being timeist. Let me guess, there's another tolerance camp trip for Stan?
If we stop the future, there will be no future people to take our jobs! Brilliant idea!
Why are you suggesting that we all take off our clothes and get gay with each other?
If everyone turns gay, then there won't be a future! Jimbo doesn't wanna.
"Let's all start humping each other until they disappear."
Welcome to Little future. with ghetto blasters. And naked white men humping each other. The future people just stare at this shit.
"We're gonna make those future bastards non-existent!" I somehow think the global warming plan was better.
Randy is taking Stan to work because he's grounded. Here comes a... future person. Didn't you get the message? This future person has replaced you.
Breaking news at the time border: there's a mass protest orgy. MASS PROTEST ORGY, SERIOUSLY. And Randy is now the spokesperson. I hope he's enjoying it.
Stan stands there, cringing and holding his nose.
Suddenly, Stan is .... well, now they're making our time crappy too. Maybe we should just make the future better?
We're planting trees, recycling, feeding Starvin Marvin's family, painting fences....windmills, hippie cars, presents to homeless people, a song!
The future people have started disappearing! We're doing it!
Never mind, this is gayer than the pile. Let's go back to the pile!
Okay, this show is seriously fucking dead on funny a lot of the time. Not to mention wicked satire. And protest orgies.
Douche and Turd:
Again, don't like the name, but maybe there's a point to it.
Seriously, new stuff in credits all the time! Whoa.
Pep rally. Nobody can beat a cow! Do you have school spirit? Moooooooo.
Here comes Mooey the cow. Followed by an invasion of PETA in which they punch the cow.
Now they are throwing blood on the cheerleaders.
Since the school has been attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, the eco-terrorists have won. Time to vote for a new mascot.
Mr. Garrison maces PETA guy.
Hurricanes, blizzards, redskins, Indians....PETA doesn't care about people, so those are fine.
Kyle suggests a write-in ballot for "giant douche." Cartman suggests.... turd sandwich.
Kenny votes for Kyle. Stan doesn't care. Butters is roped into Carman's side. Jimmy is roped in...and I guess neither one has super staying power with him. "They're both instant classics," but Jimmy votes for douche in the end.
At the new mascot student assembly: the top titles are....you know what they are. A douche comes out and dances. Have we got school spirit? Not much. "Giant douches, me and you!"
The turd sandwich does his thing. "We are sandwiches full of poo." People sound just as enthusiastic about that one too.
"Giant douche is our man!" Kyle will not lose. Cartman drive a float with Butters in a hula outfit on it.
Stan refuses to vote. Whatever happened to rocking the vote?
"Did you just say that voting is ridiculous?" No, I'm just saying if my choices are douche vs turd, then what's the point--OH I GET IT NOW THANK YOU. Presidential election time, eh?
The Marshes are on different sides and start fighting.
Why is Puff Daddy at Stan's house? You haven't heard of his vote or die campaign? As in, PD will chase you down with his gun.
"Get out there and vote or I will motherfucking kill you."
"Shake 'em titties when you vote, bitch."
This is possibly the most disturbing song on this show ever. This might be saying something.
Cartman and Butters want your vote. "Butterscotch candy?" "Another butterscotch candy?"
Stan reluctantly votes. At gunpoint. He votes for Turd Sandwich. "PUFFY!" Cartman will buy him dinner.
Stan refuses to vote again and ends up in the principal's office.
Stan is getting expelled--no, BANISHED. From the entire town. Forever.
Everyone follows Stan out with torches.
Why are they ripping his shirt and spitting at him?
Puff Daddy is reluctant to shoot, because he won't survive in the woods. They tie him to a horse, backwards, stick a bucket on his head, and blow a horn at him. WHAT.
Stan is eventually rescued by.... PETA. And uh, I meant the horse was rescued.
Oh gross, that guy just pooped and left it there and married a llama. Mark's married to a chicken, Gary and Sally just birthed a human-emu mix..."Kill me," it says.
Stan either has to live with PETA or be murdered...but it's up to "Doctor Cornwallis," who is a goat.
It's a long conversation. Not. "He said I can stay."
Debate 2004 with Jim Lehrer: between the mascots.
It's a real intellectual debate. Not worth recapping.
Meet my stepdaughter, Teresa. She's a baby llama and she's ovulating. Hint hint.
"It's ALWAYS between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. They're the only ones that suck it up that far to make it that far in politics."
Puffy returns and gets splashed with blood. He starts shooting. Stan gets shot in the shoulder. Everyone from PETA dies "trying to protect the animals." A dog pees on one guy. Janice runs off.
The hybrid baby is still crying for death.
Mr. Mackey checks the votes. Stan returns. He'd better get used to his choices. He's going to vote! Let's sing a song!
Stan still votes for turd sandwich. 36 for turd, 1,410 for douche. That was close? So his vote didn't even really matter?
Let's go back to being the cows! All right! "Now your vote didn't matter."
Something Wall Mart This Way Comes:
"The last thing you do when you die is crap your pants." Thanks for sharing, Cartman. Why don't we check with Kenny on this? Kyle makes a $5 bet with him.
It's time! It's about to happen! What is?
The opening of Wall-Mart! "It's like we're a real town now." "Isn't that where Stark's Pond used to be?"
Wall-Mart is the leading employer of the elderly and handicapped. Hi Grandpa and Jimmy!
Why do you need three copies of Time Cop?
Why is everything at Wall-Mart so cheap? "It's simple economics. I don't understand it. But I love it."
Randy mistakenly thinks that nobody will be at Wall-Mart at 3 a.m.
The toy store is now out of business thanks to Wall-Mart. Cartman plays a violin.
Kyle breaks the violin. Cartman will get another for $3 at Wall-Mart.
The entire town is a broken-down empty apocalypse now. Butters is just playing monsters.
Randy is worn out from shopping. And...sticking glitter stickers on himself.
The town has decided that they don't want Wall-Mart any more. Cue the evil laugh.
Even the guy running the Wall-Mart hates it, or at least the town they're in.
NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE. MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MIN.
"I think we just got squirreled."
The guy is hanged out his window and loses his pants and....well, Kyle owes Cartman five bucks.
The town boycott on Wall-Mart isn't working. "Where else was I going to get a napkin dispenser at 9:30 at night?"
Let's burn down the Wall-Mart and sing kumbaya!
What, it's already rebuilt?!
"We can't destroy it, son, we have to work with it." Also, Randy now works there. Dad, you're a geologist. But with all the shopping it evens out!
"Nobody likes what Wall-Mart does, but it keeps on doing it." --employee.
Cut to the chain-smoking original owner in a bar.
Everyone who tries to stop them is converted by them.
The owner kills himself. And...Cartman gets $10.
3 out of 4 boys want to go up against the store. Cartman defends it.
To destroy Wall-Mart, take your keys to the TV department. The store drops its prices to try to stop you.
Randy is too easily distracted by bargains. Take the keys and go on without him while he goes and buys screwdrivers!
The boys make it to the final boss. Like the aliens, he can take any form you want (like a pirate).
The heart of Wall-Marti s a mirror. You, the consumer. It is one single entity of desire. Kyle breaks the mirror.
Its true form is....a guy dancing around. Let's get out of here!
Wall-Mart falls apart. Everyone runs for it.
Wall-Mart implodes and disappears and takes a crap. $15.
"We know how to destroy it now. Send that to other towns."
Jim's Drugs reopens. And gets bigger. And becomes a giant...mart. And is set on fire while people sing kumbaya.
"All right, let's not make that mistake again." "Yeah, let's go shop at True Value!"
This is pretty shocking-ish stuff. Like that Koko is overweight and overfed and nobody seems to think that's a problem, that despite all of the media hype that Koko wants a baby, she's clearly uninterested in mating (join the club), and a lot of employees have quit The Gorilla Foundation. And then there's some really weird shit about nipples.