Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Beth Sekishiro: "You don't need to be conventional to love people. Maybe you've got to give up your whole life - but that's just when you'll find it."
"She held out for seven years while Henry tried to get her into his bed. SEVEN YEARS. That is so fucking ballsy. Like, it’s both ballsy not to give the King of England what he wants and also ballsy to assume that you can keep him and his roving boner interested in you for seven years.
Like, she would lean over Henry’s desk with an anti-Catholic pamphlet in her cleavage and be like, “HEY, CHECK OUT THIS HERETICAL WRITING THAT JUST FELL INTO MY MELON BASKET.” And then Henry would be like, “HMMM YOU SAUCY LITTLE MINX, SOUNDS LIKE SOME GOOD READING MATERIAL FOR WHEN I VISIT THE ROYAL SHIT HOUSE*.” Then he would go to stick his hand down her dress and she’d be all, “NO BUT I AM A VIRTUOUS MAIDEN AND ONLY MY HUSBAND SHALL TOUCH ME THERE. I WISH THOU WERT MY HUSBAND BUT SADLY, THOU ART ALREADY WEDDED” and he’d be like, “WHOA LIGHTBULB MOMENT WHAT IF I MADE A NEW CHURCH THAT LET ME DIVORCE CATHERINE???”
Please note that Henry VIII actually had one of his dude friends employed as his “Groom of the Stool,” which meant that they had to wipe his ass whenever he took a shit. Just throwing that out there."
Baseball game. Stan is bored, Token yawns, Butters sings about a ladybug. Randy is having a budding rivalry with some other dude. He takes off his shirt and wants to fight.
"Aw Jesus, not again," Stan says.
It's over! South Park won! No more boring baseball until next year! We're going to finals! What?
Randy is arrested all bloody in his underwear. Stay classy, Randy.
Whistlin' Willy's (i.e. Chuck E Cheese) post-game party and the kids are sulking. Kyle has his hat off, revealing his hair. Shocking! It's so weird when you see his and Stan's hair.
"Let's face it, we're winners." They discuss throwing the game, except Butters will be grounded. The kids agree to fake trying.
Randy, reclothed and out of jail. How much was bail this time? $100, no big whoop.
It's one thing to get into fights with scrappy redneck dads here, but the playoffs guys will be harder. Randy will have to train for those fights!
7:30 a.m. Randy sleeps in his sweats and gets up to make a nasty egg blender thing. He's also drinking beer.
Welcome to Fort Collins playoffs. Stan hands over a list of his pitches and the other team is all, "We don't want to win either." Oh, this will be fun, it's a motherfucking lose-off!
The kid refuses to swing, so Stan throws balls to walk him. This leads to a guessing game.
"You're The Best" plays as the kids are walked. Tied at 1-1 right now.
Fighting ensues. South Parks wins 4-3. Randy gets arrested again.
Welcome to Greeley playoffs. Same stuff happens.
The kids are now going to state championships. What happens if we win? You get to spend your whole summer playing baseball all over the Midwest! Whee! It's the greatest thing ever!
Some freaky near-naked fat dad likes to fight. Randy's met his match.
In the movies, they find a ringer. We need to find the worst kid athlete in the whole world! Flying in from NYC...it's Cousin Kyle.
"Now don't let him know we think he's a loser or he won't play."
Randy mopes in the empty stands. And on a beach...in Colorado? He's not going to go to the game because he's scared of the fat bat dad.
This is reverse taunting.
Poor fat bat dad's wife.
Cousin Kyle is up at bat.
"Not so close! That was three feet away from hitting me in the head!"
"Wow, he is great at sucking!"
How the hell is Cousin Kyle running? While whining that he can't run? He hit a home run.
No one wants to high five him.
"These guys practiced and got really good at sucking."
Randy rallies to pick a fight with the big fat bat dad. (That's just fun to type.)
"This can't get any worse. "--Stan
Both men fall into the game. Randy is getting his ass kicked. Wait, Little League has a no-violence policy! They could be disqualified! FIGHT! KEEP FIGHTING!
Randy rallies! He sings "You're The Best" while punching. SOUTH PARK IS DISQUALIFIED! YAY! Denver wins!
The last freeze-frame shot of Randy jumping for joy in his undies with the pants off and bloody while being arrested is great.
The Death of Eric Cartman:
Where's Stan's mom with KFC? Here she is. The boys are forced to bring in groceries first. Cartman raids the chicken while everyone else is out. He eats ALL OF IT. The skin off of them all, anyway. Cartman runs away to sit on the toilet and read comic books.
Kenny cries. I would too.
Next day at the bus stop: "He does that shit all the time." "This time he's gone too far." (Really, this time compared to EVERY OTHER EPISODE OF EVIL?) "Why do we hang out with him anyway?" Kyle has been asking that for YEARS. Let's just ignore him!
"Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken. I thought I was going to die." What a tragedy that you didn't.
Cartman tries picking on the Jews and talking about boobs to Kenny and gets nowhere. HAHAHAHAHA I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
Cartman misses the bus and wonders if ...IS HE DEAD? Did he die on the toilet like Elvis? No, but I guess he did break it because a new one is there.
Cartman sees a box carried out. The chicken skin ruptured the insides. Cartman's mom is .... well, crying isn't the word, she's getting banged, but Cartman doesn't walk in to check. He cries outside.
Why are we ignored him? "He's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath." "Oh yeah." Everyone else wants to ignore him too. "I never realized ignoring him was an option."
Cartman wanders the earth, crying. Or haunting. Or both.
Butters, not in the loop, sees Cartman and breaks the code of silence. Butters! You can see and hear me!? I"m dead!
Butters runs screaming. He's the kid in that movie! He's hiding under the sink. His parents say it was all his imagination and there are plenty of real things to be scared of, like superAIDS.
"Just one teaspoon of superAIDS in your butt and you're dead in three years." I guess we know what his dad's afraid of.
Cartman haunts Butters.
Cartman thinks he won't go to hell because he's not black. He needs his closure and Butters has to help him.
Butters goes to see Cartman's mom, with Cartman crying behind him. "He said he loves you." "Oh, that's so nice!" He wishes he'd been a better son sometimes. She cries and says, "I love you too, poopykins."
Next up: Kyle's house. Cartman is sorry he made fun of you for being a no-good stinkin' Jew. Just remember the good times. "There were no good times, and he can just tell me himself!"
Next up: apologizing to Token for being black. He already apologized to the other two.
And the kitty. Next up, Butters gets an apology. My soul is at peace, I think I can go now....
Let's wait on that. Also, heaven gives you $10,000 cash.
"You're still here." "What the fuck is going on?" "What else do I have to do?" More atonement! Did you ever do anything really bad?
"Not really... " A long list ensues...
"I took a crap in the principal's purse. Seven tines."
"I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could have my own Shakey's Pizza..."
"I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics..."
"I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring...."
"There's this one kid whose parents I had killed and then made into chili, which I fed to the kid."
Cartman makes fruit baskets and delivers them while singing a song. Okay, so Butters is doing that work. The other three are like, wtf?
It's very My Name Is Earl.
Time for Cartman to leave...or not, again.
"I want my eternal bliss!" Cartman smashes Butters' room with a baseball bat. "Stupid butthole God!"
"Butters, what have you done?" Call a doctor and ground him.
The doctor says Butters has dementia. Or schizophrenia.
Butters is somehow getting anally raped by machinery while they figure out whatever traumatized Butters 'In his past." Or um, right now.
14 hours later, he has repressed memory syndrome. Yes, he believes it was all in his head.
Cartman shows up again He wants Butters to talk to a psychic. "I hate my stupid psychotic brain!"
Butters tries to explain the situation. She says God wants to use you for a divine purpose. I thought that was Kenny. She sees ghosts all the time. When did you last see yours?
He's sitting next to me right now--she screams and runs away. The news comes on. Three convicted murderers are holding people hostage at the Red Cross!
"The psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day."
"They can't hurt me, Butters, I'm already dead." "What the hell is that kid doing?"
Cartman goes in and starts to haunt the place noisily. And rattle things. "What the hell is going on?" "Yes, it's working!" "This is really weird."
Butters sneaks everyone else out the back.
"I'm so confused!"
The cops get 'em. It's an incredible story of courage, armed only with confusion!
Time for Cartman to .... they say fond friend farewells....
"Hey, Cartman, that was really cool what you did." "We're going to stop ignoring you now." That totally worked to change you! Talk to you tomorrow!
"You son of a bitch, Butters."
Cartman will get him back. Oh no.
I think I saw a couple of blood-soaked orgies in those credits?
Mr. Mackey is taking your anonymous questions in class. This isn't gonna go well.
#1: "Mr. Mackey is gay."
#2: same thing.
#3: "sometimes my parents hit me. and you are gay."
Finally, one serious question...someone gets an erection in class, what should he do?
It's apparently Jimmy.
Fuck question time. Jimmy, come up here and identify some drugs. Why won't you come up here?
*whisperwhisperwhisper* Eric, why don't you do it? Because Jimmy's pitching a tent right now. What?
Talent show! But Jimmy always wins. But....something's rising.
"I'm REAL excited. For some reason."
"HEY! Who's dropping bombs in there? How about a courtesy flush?"
"Jimmy, we understand you're getting erections in the classroom."
"We get it's a hard thing for you to talk about. Get it? A hard time?"
I'm Doctor Pal! Aren't I just the dopest?
"Jimmy, there's nothing wrong with random erections." Or making bad puns.
"...llet us hipsters talk in privo."
NOT ANOTHER DAMN CHILD MOLESTER IN THIS TOWN.
Jimmy dreams of guess what.
Butters rehearses...only singing this time. No tapping!
Jimmy needs to talk to someone and figures Butters is the only nice one in town.
What do you do when your penis gets hard? Put it into a lady, Butters says. It also "sneezes milk."
"But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in?"
Hey, it's a hot redhead.
"I was wondering if I could stick my penis in your vagina." Dude, even Cartman knows you can't just walk up and ask that.
"I've been laid like 5,000 times."
"You're like a white Hitch."
Jimmy's new date, Shauna. Both Jimmy and Cartman have huge headphones and mikes on.
At the Italian restaurant...I am not gonna repeat the name.
Jimmy blows it again. "But the talent show is tomorrow night!"
Talent show day. "The quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be OVER!"
Jimmy cries outside. Here comes ...Officer Barbrady.
Mystery of the ages: why do penises get hard if no women want them? Officer Barbrady tells him where all the sluts are located.
Colfax Point: somewhere where Jimmy's old gang members are probably hanging.
"Well, Nutgobbler, I need to get laid. And the talent show's already started."
EWWWWWWWWWWW I am not going to recap this.
Alas, here comes the angry pimp.
Jimmy comes to the rescue of his paid-for ho in a taxi.
"Nut Gobbler! Grab on to my crutch!"
The Goth kids sing about how they're not going to be in the talent show. I see how well that went.
I don't think I can recap what's happening next, but it's gonna be gross and I am not looking.
Butters is singing and in his pink glitter again. He freaks out. And pees.
Jimmy's coming. Right now. This is embarrassing.
Cartman will be reading from Scarface. With a gun. "That's my little boy!"
Jimmy distracts the pimp with his comedy act about Martha Stewart long enough for Nut Gobbler to conk him on the head.
Take me to bed! Love lift us up where we belong! I don't know how Jimmy is picking her up. But all the other hookers clap.
Ike is a Yankee Doodle sweetheart. Ironic?
He also fires himself out of a cannon! No one cares.
The talent show is over! Everyone applauds.
He gets another hard-on anyway. "You gotta be kidding me." Maybe next time he should do a puppet in his pants show.
Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow:
Jefferson Lake Recreation Area: Stan and Cartman are playing with his uncle's boat. No stupid Kyle around. (Where's Kenny?)
Let's drive it around! Who's going to know? Cartman will take full responsiblity! (Yeah, right.)
The boat's not moving. Kaboom! You broke the boat! Beaver dam! Crash.
Cartman doesn't even have an Uncle Roy, it's just some random stolen boat.
"I hope I didn't hurt any beavers."
Tom Pusslicker announces that a giant flood has overwhelmed Beaverton. Looting, raping, and cannibalism might be going on. Also, more people might be dead than live in the town.
"George Bush doesn't care about beavers!" Are these Jimbo's friends making up this redneck crazy crap?
"What's important is figuring out whose fault it is." More than getting people off their roofs.
Cartman found that amusing.
What caused the flood? Global warming. Huh?
Randy speaks on global warming. "With all due respect, cliche Republican..."
Global warming is starting TODAY. Everybody run around and scream and mob the grocery store.
The cars can't move.
Everyone just runs and screams back and forth.
Everyone walls up in the community center.
Mr. Garrison has a broken leg and leaking boob.
"CARTMAN FLOODED BEAVERTON?" Stan confesses to Kyle and Kyle demands he confess. Here comes Cartman. "Goddammit, you told Kyle, didn't you?"
Randy thinks most of the world is dead. He draws a penis on a map. Pointing at his head. "What, Frank?"
People in Beaverton are still waiting for rescue. Look, wait, here comes a boat! With three little boys! Screaming because they can't drive and crash into an oil building.
"Oh, thanks. Thanks. That's a lot better."
Global warming has brought on a new ice age and Stan's about to die, but just come and get me, please?
Nice hat, Mr. Mackey.
Three men trek the streets of South Park in parkas. Slowly. Chained together. Butters' dad can't go on. (I think that's him.) "Feels so...hot." He's totally got hypothermia.
Gerald still wants some man-action. Perhaps he is asking the wrong dad.
Where is Kenny in this episode that is all about potential death?
"Don't worry, everyone! The government is here to save you!" "Thank you so much. What a swift and speedy rescue!"
I'm pretty sure Kyle doesn't have any gold.
Cartman has his gun from the last episode.
Kyle has gold. What? No, it's a fake gold! Give me the real gold!
Kyle throws it into the fire and runs. SMART KYLE!
Sadly, Cartman is rescued. Well, he catches the flight anyway.
Global warming is over! We made it!
Beaverton was caused by the crab people--
Everyone confesses to breaking the dam! What the shit?