Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
If you’re in the South of France and you pour yourself a nice glass of wine, and a beautiful cat suddenly strokes your leg and you’re surprised, do you think it’s a ghost at first?
If you were an eagle, either a real eagle or robotic eagle, would you tend to attack people in the evening or in the daylight?
If you had to choose between muffins, cookies, crackers, crisps, or just a good time inside of a boat, which one would you choose?
Assuming that you might believe in supernatural phenomenon such as ghosts, do you think ghosts are actually spirits, or do you think they’re temporal anomalies that are bleeding in from higher dimensions?
If you think about molecular structures, do you think that just because everything is made of molecules … if you were to check yourself out in the mirror and say, hey, I’m just a bunch of molecules, does that affect the way you perform on your television show?
Do you think that being an action star makes you feel as though you actually have those powers when you go off set and go home?
You have a very powerful name, obviously of close auditory to the river in Egypt. Would you say that you’d be a big fan of Anubis or Charon the boatman of hell?
Do you believe that witches are the new vampires?
Are you aware of the power of the presence of your talent insofar as being a role model to others in your community? And do you like apples?
Would you allow me to name a really hard-core metal band after your last name?
If you were made of titanium, would you be alive technically?
Being from Chicago, do you think deep-dish pizza is worth it? And also, do aliens exist?\
In a fictional setting, if there was a medium- or large-sized monster that was heading down a corridor and you had a choice to go either backwards or run towards it, what would you choose?
What is it like being immortal?
If you were infinitely tall, would you find that the power would override your judgment and you would destroy everything around you?
If you ever had action figures growing up, like Star Wars figures, did you ever take fire crackers and strap it to them and blow them up?
If you were given a choice to remove your pancreas permanently or to develop a new line of railroad products, which would you choose?
Do you believe that if you had the strength to lift an entire railroad car, that you would use it for good rather than not so good?
If you were surrounded by a thousand children who seem to look alike, and they were heading towards you in an ominous way, and you’re real close to a really amazing maze garden, what would you do?
If you were transformed into a hamburger and you decided that you don’t remember if you actually were a human before that, would you get angry? Or would you just call up a friend and be like, hey, what’s going on?
Do you ever imagine yourself in the future committing atrocities that will affect an entire generation of people in a positive way?
If you had to choose between unlimited renewable clean energy or the end of all disease as we know it, which would you choose?
Is it difficult to kiss someone who’s hanging upside down? And secondly, do you believe world peace is possible?
As a Montanan, I believe that it’s possible that there are aliens. Have you ever seen any evidence of aliens in your lifetime, and do you believe that we have alien DNA in our makeup?
If you were trapped underground with no way out, how would you make it out from underneath the ground?
Assuming that you're a fan of very small tarts at times, do you think rock and roll is dead?
Yo, is it hard to direct cartoon people?
As a person, do you believe that turtles are perhaps people as well, they're just tapped in the form of a turtle, or do you think breakfast is "eh"?
If you're super into pineapples, and someone's like, "Hey, man, want some free pineapples?" would you ask them where they got them from, or would you just take them?
If a lone computer scientist engineered some kind of an artificial intelligence to be able to watch our every move, and it was released into the wild so that it becomes sentient on its own, would you be scared, or would you be like, "Oh wow, it's about time"?
If you were to do psychedelic mushrooms and go into a character, do you think that you would be able to return from that character?
Let's say that you had a choice to be either alive or dead for an event that was pretty cool but kind of questionable. Would you decide to be either alive or dead for that event?
Yo, you have an opportunity to, like, knock somebody out with a bag of beans. Would you do it?
Do you think that, if there was a giant cat that you could control with your mind, would you have it run around through town and scare people, or would you have it help out at a ranch if they were underpowered?
So, if you're in a forest and you have the power to levitate, would you levitate through the forest waiting for campers to see you so they would be terrified of you, or would you just help people out if they couldn't reach the cheese during a picnic in the forest and just levitate the cheese over to them?
As someone who does exude a certain amount of heroic stature, do you remember when a man had his first seizure and you went to your knees and caught him before he hit the ground during a rehearsal?
If you had to destroy someone's life completely without consequence, how would you go about doing it?
When transforming into a werewolf, a lot of people describe it as not their favorite experience. Have you gotten used to it and have you gotten any taller?
There are two clowns in a hallway. There is a person in the bedroom that you don't know. There's a large cat that's prowling outside of the house that you're in that you can see occasionally in the window. What do you do?
If you were trapped in a room, and there was no way out but you had the key to escape, would you find yourself inebriated in some way based off of your own excretions of excitement, or would you simply just go, "Hey man, how come ... what's going on?"
If you were indeed a person of this time in your particular situation, would you say that given the chance would you either a) do it or b) whatever?
I don't think weed is cool, it's really stupid, and I never use it. But if you guys had to encourage someone to use weed, how would you do it?
The entire question is in French, but it involves preferring small cats or eating snails.
If it's true that bees are actually an alien race that are here temporarily to prognosticate our future doom, the fact that they're leaving through a small dimensional portal through space, does that alarm you?
If you possess the skill of being able to propel a golf ball at over 6,000 miles per hour, where would you throw it?
To Kristen Schaal: As you know, for a long time a lot of male comedians have had a hard time getting into the business or getting a chance to make movies; a lot of opportunities. As a male quasi-comedian, do you think there's a future in which we'll be able to see more for men?
Shakshuka, saag paneer, or escargot?
On the subject of Shakespeare, would you say it would be possible that Shakespeare was either a woman, two people, or a crew of people as opposed to the one that is commonly understood?
If you had to choose between chavs, neds, or hillbillies, or the upcoming Ford GT, which would you choose?
If you had the ability to fly, and you could fly for over 1,000 miles at any height that you wanted to, which destination would you avoid?
I know that you're on a show about technology. You probably get asked a lot of technological questions. Do you enjoy baking any sorts of pies?
How many wagons does it take to offload enough cargo to satisfy the hunger of a very, very large group of teenagers?
Have you ever attacked a pigeon, or thought that a pigeon was silently stalking you throughout a city?
As a New Yorker, do you ever worry that robotics will make such a huge impact on society, that it'll hamper your ability to use the subway system?
In Italy, which I assume both of you have been to, do you believe that the energy there summons the spirits of ancient specters, or do do you simply think that it's the olive oil?
If you had the choice of either eating cookies or biscuits for the rest of your life, or living in a hot air balloon for the rest of your life, which would you choose?