Cecil, Welcome to Night Vale: "The problem wasn’t solved, but most problems don’t get solved. I mean, generally we just do our best to mitigate the problem, and if it can’t be mitigated, then it can be relegated to a background noise by pleasant distractions and a prioritization of interests."
Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
However, unbeknownst to the stars of "Eden," the livelihood of the program took a turn. Viewership took a nosedive just four episodes in, dipping from 1.7 million viewers to 800,000, causing the network to take the show off the air. Despite what appeared to be a cancellation, producers pressed on with their work without informing contestants that the show hadn't aired since August."
"Yeah, I must have gotten under Donald’s skin pretty deeply, that he has issued this tweet, whoever heard of me. I don’t know. Donald and I have been talking to each other for 30 years." "And, you know, Amy, the White House did something actually quite unethical yesterday. I have been dealing with White Houses since Richard Nixon. I’ve been at this 50 years, and I’ve been dealing with White Houses since Nixon. I have never before sent the White House a document to allow them to comment on it and have them take my exclusive story and give the information to other reporters. And that’s what they did. They never responded to me. They instead went to other reporters and said, "Here’s what’s going to happen." That is just the most base, unethical conduct by the White House Press Office that I have ever seen.... And when I was on another TV station today, the producer said to me, you know, "Did you know Trump gave out your story just before it went public at DCReport.org?" And then I went on The Rachel Maddow Show a minute later. And that really is just not the way you do things. It is—it lacks honor. Of course, Donald Trump lacks honor, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Donald Trump doesn’t have any idea what honor is."
Old 2016 interview: "Donald doesn’t know anything. And if you listen carefully to what he says, it becomes apparent. He was asked by a Hugh Hewitt during one of the debates, the right-wing radio talk show host, about the nuclear triad. That’s the capacity of the U.S. to deliver a nuclear bomb from a submarine missile, a land-based missile or an airplane. His answer indicated he had no idea. Well, it turned out Hugh Hewitt had asked the same question months earlier on his radio show, and Trump didn’t learn in between. Trump talks as if the president’s a dictator. When he ran casinos, he didn’t know the games, he didn’t know the odds, he didn’t know how to handle customers. All he knew how to do was take money out of the organization, which weakened it, and that’s why his casinos were among the first to fold.... I mean, if Marco Rubio, who is pretty much an empty suit, has to school you on something this basic, that should have screamed to people back in December, "This man has no qualifications!"...Donald has done business all his life with mobsters and criminals, because it’s a way to make money.....Why did Donald Trump need to write that letter, which could have cost him his casino license? Because he needed this guy to be his friend and not his enemy. What was going on that Donald Trump needed a drug trafficker to be his friend and not his enemy? And that’s a question no one in the news media has been asking.....And that’s an essential element to understanding Donald Trump. You don’t exist, Amy, I don’t exist, as a person. That’s why he talks about women the way he does, in these degrading terms. Donald doesn’t see other people as people. He sees them as things to be used....This is a man who gives awards to himself. How juvenile..... I did not appreciate, until I worked on the book, that while Donald holds himself out as a devout Christian—"No one reads the Bible more than me"—while he has all these pastors embracing him as a good Christian man, Donald aggressively, thoroughly and at great length, in many forums, denounces Christianity. His personal motto is "always get revenge," whereas the message of Jesus Christ was "turn the other cheek." And these ministers, some of whom I’ve written to and haven’t—they haven’t responded at all—continue to embrace him. And I find it very troubling. Donald has beguiled them with flattery. If they continue, now that my book is out, if they know about it, to do this, they are then deceiving their flocks, and that’s evil. But Donald himself doesn’t care about these things. He will tell you any lie. He can’t quote a single line from the Bible. Not one. And yet he says, "No one reads the Bible more than Donald Trump." If you ask him, "Well, what do you like in the Bible?" "Oh, there’s so many. There’s so many. I just—there are so many, I can’t choose."
I don't watch The Bachelor (but apparently this relationship is already dead in the water?), but will the dreaded visa process keep Nick and Vanessa apart? Basically the only even somewhat working option is for them to elope immediately, which isn't good but still better than her trying to get one involving a job, apparently. Thanks, Trump!
"Texans who live in the path of President Trump’s proposed border wall with Mexico have received the first letters, called a “Declaration of Taking,” from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. One of the notices, received by Yvette Salinas, offers her family $2,900 for 1.2 acres near the Rio Grande. Even if her family does not accept the federal government’s offer, their land can still be seized through eminent domain."
A Trump book riddled with falsehoods will no longer be sold by the National History Museum: "Linda St. Thomas, a Smithsonian Institution spokeswoman, said museum officials can vet only so many items before they go on sale at the Smithsonian’s various gift shops. She said she wasn’t sure whether the Trump book was fact-checked. “I don’t know if we read all the books we sell. They will certainly take a look at this,” St. Thomas said. “We’re talking about thousands and thousands of items that come through, and some of them are geared for certain shops. This book has a very limited time period.” On Saturday, after The Washington Post published this story, the museum tweeted: “The book is no longer available for sale in our shops pending a review by our historians for factual accuracy.”
"Trump’s current finances are set to face a new test with the coming April 18 tax deadline. He has steadfastly refused to release his returns, pointing both to ongoing audits and to his belief that Americans do not care to see them. However, a Pew Research Center survey in January found that 60 percent of Americans believe that Trump has a responsibility to release his returns. All U.S. presidents are automatically audited every year, as prescribed by a guideline in the Internal Revenue Service manual in place for presidents and vice presidents since the 1970s. Trump could urge Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin to change that provision, legal experts said. Trump has not said whether he would do so."
Fart Against Trump.Translated: "This is the greatest protest movement in the history of mankind. On March 21, 2017 at 23:05 CET, over 7 billion people are to send a giant fart towards the White House."
A Definitive Timeline of Donald and Melania Trump's Relationship: "She ran into Donald just at the right time. She was just about out of money, at the end of her rope and about to move back to Eastern Europe," Also: "A student asks if her husband weren't rich, would she still be with him. She replies, "If I weren't beautiful, do you think he'd be with me?"
Illustrators Against Trump."Here in L.A., illustrators from studios including Disney, Sony, Nickelodeon and DreamWorks have gotten together to collaborate on the picture book Not My President. A crowdfunding campaign is in progress, and proceeds will support the ACLU, Planned Parenthood and L.A. Justice Fund. The creators are describing the project as a "children's book for adults," because although the colorful drawings look as if they were created for kids — the color orange figures prominently, go figure — their subject matter is darker than a Grimm's fairy tale and real to boot."
The 25th Amendment, explained: "Let that sink in — one vice president and any eight Cabinet officers can, theoretically, decide to knock the president out of power at any time. ...The 25th Amendment exists as a failsafe that can be used if any president truly does appear to be unwell — as long as the people involved have the courage to actually go through with it, and the competence to carry it out without causing an even greater disaster."
"We tried [to do poop-related obstacles] but they were not allowed. We couldn’t show a butt, but we could do a mouth. We could do a nose. We even got turned down for an armpit at one point in time. I’m still not even sure why."
At the beginning, we didn’t know it was going to be the messiest show on Earth until we really started to develop it.
Usually it was predicated on a couple of criteria, amongst which was, “What’s messy?” So that led us to a giant nose that you have to pick. And then when we got the idea for the One-Ton Human Hamster Wheel, it was just, “Let’s take things and make large versions of them.”
We tried [to do poop-related obstacles] but they were not allowed. We couldn’t show a butt, but we could do a mouth. We could do a nose. We even got turned down for an armpit at one point in time. I’m still not even sure why.
Somebody was just asking me today about the gumball machine, and I said, “It was enormous. It was so high that it almost grazed the light grid overhead.” And they asked, “Why would they build it that big?” And I said, “Because they could.” Nickelodeon, god bless them, in those days, they were either just complete loonies or they had no idea that you needed to control these maniacs, but they really gave us a lot of creative freedom.
“Look, this is the Sundae Slide. You should try and go up the side,” and so forth. “When you come down, lift your feet up. Try and put your butt right into the whipped cream instead of your feet, so your feet stay dry and you’ll do better on the obstacle course. It may feel more messy, but you’re going to do better.” “Grab the flag but don’t carry it with you. Stuff it in your shirt, and move on to the next.”
Marc Summers, host: You might as well have said stuff in Spanish, French, or Japanese. They never heard a word of it, because we’d say, “On your mark, get set, go!” and they forgot everything, and then when they couldn’t do it, they couldn’t understand why. We gave them every hint that was legally possible, and they wouldn’t follow through on it.
I think after five episodes I went, “Oh, my god, they really don’t give a crap about the prizes. They just want to get goo all over them and be given permission to jump into a vat of green mess and get completely covered head to toe.”
I still have memories of how, when [the whipped cream] fell, it curdled. We cleaned up, but you never got it all. Over the years, we’d do some of the same obstacles. We’d clean them all, but every year when we got them out of storage, they’d still smell like sour milk.
Robin Russo, production assistant: I can’t eat whipped cream to this day. I can’t smell it, and I can’t look at it.
When you fill a tank that big with baked beans, you want to get your money’s worth. So all week, we got 25 episodes out of the baked beans. The end of the week comes, and they’ve been under the lights all week long, sitting there at night stewing away. We go, “How do we get rid of all these baked beans?”
[Steve Pannepacker] called the honey wagon. You know, the guy who brings the big sucker truck that sucks out septic tanks. He’s parked outside on 7th and Arch in Philadelphia, and he runs a big, long hose into the baked bean tank that’s been there all week under the lights and sucks it out.
John Harvey, announcer: He came back in and said, “You guys know what I do for a living? This is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.”
We were always asked about the waste of food. That was a hot topic of conversation while we were shooting the show. It always bothered me greatly. The first time I was asked that, I was stunned. They said, “Don’t you feel like you’re wasting food? There are starving people in the world.” I was just amazed. Really? Somebody who is starving would want our whipped cream and chocolate syrup? It just seemed silly.
Klinghoffer [eventually] made [something] up, because he was the best at this stuff. [He would say] we would go to food warehouses and try and find product that was dated that they couldn’t sell in supermarkets or to restaurants anymore, and they would sell us the dated stuff. It was more B.S. than I can begin to tell you, but we just got tired of dealing with people saying that we were not helping homeless people by throwing eggs and using pudding.
From that point, they always looked at the kids’ applications, and if any kid had a parent who was an attorney, they never got on the show after that."
"But like its counterparts the blood moon, the super moon, the blood super moon, and so on — all of which have made their way into the popular lexicon in recent years — the black moon has become, for some, a harbinger of the apocalypse. How, exactly, will the second darkening of Earth’s only natural satellite in a 30-day period usher in the destruction of life as we know it? Unclear. But some people have taken the bait." (Washington Post)
Are we just hoping for some kind of natural apocalypse so we can get the hell out of this life? Just wondering.