Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
Escape from Rana Village: the remaining palace folks are captured by the Rana, which are...lizard people aliens or something. OF COURSE THE VIZIER IS WITH THEM, NOT A SHOCKER. Everyone is locked up in cages and they have to tie a lasso and catch a knife. Andrew does this perfectly. The other three have to climb across a wet obstacle course holding some green things to drop off for a banshee, which is straight out of Myst. Shondo wins. The remaining non-eliminated dudes are tied as to who to vote out, and Andrew--who won three medals now-- is forced to choose. He's become friends with Lina now....and she's probably easier to beat than Patrick....and we could really use a woman in the final three. So there you go. I appreciate how fierce Lina is about insisting that she's the one true hero, but...honestly, I think it's gonna be brawn vs. brawn. I don't know which guy will win, but it will definitely be a guy.
"I always thought the hero was the big guy who was able to swing a sword and axe. But it's so much more than that. I definitely have changed my whole perspective on everything." --Andrew
"I just beat the two biggest guys in the competition. I didn't think twice about it, either." -Lina
OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE LINA WON!!!! GENUINELY WON!!! OUTSMARTED THEM ALL AND THEN FINALLY GOT THE ARROW IN THE HEART LOOOOONG BEFORE THE TWO BIG DUDES! Though the editing of that was a little weird and confusing--you're all "hey, why did Shondo stop trying and disappear into mist?" Love those earnest guys for trying, though.
YOU GO, GIRL. I am so proud of you and I'm glad you proved me wrong. You kept saying you were the one true here, and by god, you were!!!!!! GO SHOW! COME BACK NEXT YEAR!
And after Lina wins... AND SUDDENLY THE OTHER PALADINS ARE MAGICALLY BARFED BACK INTO THE ARENA. Oh, special effects.... I love how they bring everyone in for the battle anyway and they all go off and fight (non-fatally) while Lina goes off to deal with Verlox and the Vizier.
Zap him, special effects! Zap him!
It was a happy ending and I deeply enjoyed this show. More next year, please.
Yes, I know it ended, I've not seen who won yet, go figure. Episodes watched: Verlox Attacks and The Dragon's Lair.
Verlox Attacks! Yes, he does! He's totally demon-looking and check the special effects! Everyone has to run for it. The Grand Vizier shows up and is all, "It's dangerous to be alone! Take this!" to the Queen and everyone is all, "THIS SEEMS FISHY." But really, don't all the geeks know that the words "Grand Vizier" are guaranteed to mean Bad Dude?
Seriously, this show is so sex-battle-y. The folks voluntarily go guys-vs-girls on the challenge, which involves codes and signs and...well, I was confused and so were they because everyone kept buggering it up. Despite Shondo's "This is a task designed for girls," the men OF COURSE win and Patrick gets the Medal of Braininess. ("I have a brain, too!") And of course the finger of foreboding is pointed at Bonnie.
It's a memory challenge--they have to climb up a tree and memorize shit on Verlox's army and whoever gets the most wins. OMG BONNIE GOT THE MOST!!!!!! I'm so proud of her!!! Leticia doesn't get one dang vote. I'm surprised. I figured her for last girl standing.
Shondo has yet to be in a Fates challenge. HMMMMM. At the end, the Queen shows up and here come some bad guys. CHECK THAT PENDANT.
The Dragon's Lair: Everyone finds smoky ruins of a village. "A dragon did this?" Let's go trap a dragon! I'm totally curious how they're gonna do that. They're told dragons only roam at night, so they've got the rest of the day to set up some kind of trap in the village area. "You could hear the dragon breathing and feel the ground shaking." I'd love to know how Hollywood pulled off quake ground in a foreign country and not Universal Studios. "Come on, Shondo," he chants to himself as he cranks. And we has dragon trap! Howl!
Andrew is all, "That one true hero has to do everything on their own." I dunno, I think most TV shows and books like to prove otherwise. Also, how many of you are yanking those chains? Patrick and the girls are the ones in trouble, again. Everyone runs for it. Andrew wins his second medal. Lina is soooooo mad about leaving her bag somewhere and getting in trouble. Andrew is all, could be worse.
Left to wait around, the paladins discuss the fishiness of the Grand Vizier and their boss is all, "You know this is treason, right?" The Queen comes in to say they found dragon eggs. (BUT NO DRAGON. Disappointed.) During the Fates Challenge, everyone goes out to the smoking hole area to check out the dragon eggs. They're pretty cute and scaly, but they must be destroyed. They're at the bottoms of the holes and the egg is flamey, so you have to get it out without burning yourself. Ouch! Once again, I'm not surprised that Patrick won. Patrick actually goes down to help Bonnie while Lina's figuring it out on her own. Yeah, I see where this is going. We don't get to watch everyone make scrambled eggs, alas.
Lina is all, "they're going to keep Bonnie because she's won before." I am all "no, they'll eliminate her because even though she keeps going, she needs help." Sigh. Out at the table of discussion, Patrick tries to advocate for Bonnie while being vague about who did what, which is what the guys want to know about. I am sad but unshocked that Bonnie lost. Weak little girls always get the boot. Sigh.
I hate being a girl. You lose no matter what in the end because you're just not a 6-foot male. Everyone agrees that she did the best she could. It's just never good enough. Lina gloats...for now. Then the Queen offers Lina her cape (the guys are annoyed at this) and the Queen is all, Bonnie did a song? I want to hear it, I'm sad about her. Me too.
OH LOOK, THE NECKLACE IS GLOWING GREEN. THAT'S NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL. We probably shouldn't expect to see the Queen in the next episode, eh?
Episodes watched: Battle Dome, Under Siege, A Traitor in Sanctum. Previously ranted about this show here.
I wasn't liking Battle Dome: people picked teams of three and then were forced to fight their team members all in a triad. I was hating this idea because I've been suspecting that this game is one that women can't play. And sure enough we start out with Jasmine (the smallest) going up against Andrew and Christian and predictably getting beaten. But....
"I've knocked out a division 1 wrestler, I've knocked out an MMA fighter...."
YOU GO, LETITIA, YOU GAVE ME HOPE.
On the other hand, Christian isn't in the bottom three for once. Darn it. And three women are in the bottom of this one...shocker, not. I am also unshocked that the smallest girl went.
As for Under Siege:"Bonnie and Adria have very little to contribute, both with ideas, strength, anything. It was almost a two-man job." --Christian. But uh...Christian, you were team captain and by your own words, "I chose the weaker team." Wanna think about that one? Or why the two biggest dudes are on the other side? Oh, and then he says HE DELIBERATELY CHOSE THEM FOR FAILURE because his friends were all on the other side and would protect his ass.
Ooh, he makes me mad. One true jerk. There's lots of quiet whispering about what a weasel he is with all these ready-made excuses. And when the rumor got around that he picked people to lose...
On the other side, the winning team decides to give Lina some kind of pity award the medal because she was the smallest but kept plugging ondidn't have a medal yet, something. It felt like a pity award, anyway. This bothered me.
Christian feels really good going into the challenge! Everyone is locked in heavy portable cages and forced to go through an obstacle course. Shockingly, the one big man does well at it! I never would have guessed! Of course the girls are the worst and one of them just absolutely bombs it--my favorite, sigh.
But: the guys argued that Bonnie has a lot of heart, and bottom line is, "You're not going into a challenge to LOSE."
Christian turned around and saw Andrew was in a different line. "Yeah, that really did happen." Leticia says, saying she threw her vote because she felt bad. So MUAHAHAHAH, DUDE IS FUCKING GONE AND HE DID IT TO HIMSELF. His friends bailed. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW. THANK YOU FOR THIS GIFT, SHOW. Andrew is all, "I TOLD him it was his last chance already, dude." The show ends with a rousing song in their leader's honor.
On to A Traitor in Sanctum: It starts out with a grenade! Er, fire orb! And the traitor is....um, I dunno. But that person left seven other orbs around. And there's kewl bird masks! Last three are up. Lina actually earns her medal for being first to find and GO LINA! Last up are Adria (previously in it) and Andrew and Leticia (first time). Now there's finally a challenge where the most strong aren't doing so well. Andrew is beating himself up for his ADHD and feels like a loser and not the real hero, which makes me sad.
The challenge is a brain one--line up the swords to show a laser on a map, or something. Andrew chills out enough to win. Yup, two women at the end again--but I am kinda glad for Andrew, he seems a decent sort overall (and along with Shondo, or Shonto, I forget how it's spelled, I'm assuming one of them wins). Then again, I have no problem with the ladies either. So they debate strength again, and comparing things that shouldn't be compared. I am unsurprised that it's Adria, though. Weakest again.
But hey, the gender numbers are even for now. Whew on that.
"I stepped off this sidewalk in Bangladesh and the whole thing collapsed. I fell through the sidewalk and into this big monsoon gutter. Three-quarters of my calf was in this human filth that was raw and disgusting. I wound up landing with my left leg underneath me. I got out and they show this guy pouring water on my legs because it’s literally human shit. There’s a part in the cab where I’m rubbing hand sanitizer on my leg because this stuff got into my shoe, and it was soaking wet. I couldn’t get my clothes off. I went on a game show, but I didn’t go there to die.
So I got questioned a little bit about that and they were saying, “Are you sure you’re not overdoing it?” Amy and Daniel were on my season, and Amy was the double-amputee snowboarder, and I thought, “There’s a person out here with no legs, no kidney, and no spleen because of bacteria, so I don’t think I’m overdoing it.” Things happen when you expose yourself in these crazy places around the world, so I was really nervous about that.
"In the first episode of Best Funeral Ever, a casket is sent down a bowling alley rolling a bowling ball in front of it. The casket is on a kind of gurney, and as the family members push the casket down the alley with enthusiasm, the bowling ball rolls into the 10 pins, which have been painted to spell out “RIP JUDY.” The family earnestly tells the camera crew that Judy was an avid bowler, and the alley was where she was happiest. It only seemed fitting to say goodbye to her at the place she loved."