Cecil, Welcome to Night Vale: "The problem wasn’t solved, but most problems don’t get solved. I mean, generally we just do our best to mitigate the problem, and if it can’t be mitigated, then it can be relegated to a background noise by pleasant distractions and a prioritization of interests."
Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
Since time immemorial, men have worried irrationally about perceived threats to their penises. Long before there was castration anxiety, there was something far more sinister: the myth of phallus-stealing witches who kept wriggling, dismembered members as pets.
In the Middle Ages, witches were thought to have various magical dick-ruining capabilities, the most sinister of which is the ability to make the sex organ vanish entirely. According to Smith, the Malleus Maleficarum details three specific case studies in which witches were said to have magically deprived men of their penises. The first two simply involve men having their genitals hidden by some magical illusion—witches "can take away the male organ," Heinrich Kramer writes, "not indeed by despoiling the human body of it, but by concealing it with some glamour."
The third account notoriously mentions the phenomenon of witches keeping disembodied penises as pets and feeding them oats and other nutritious grains."
I got the Seven of Cups, Seven of Pentacles, and Nine of Pentacles.
Situation as is: Seven of Cups. "Briefly: Someone could be confusing you or taking advantage of your good nature.
Full Meaning:The picture on this card shows seven cups and each of these has some elusive or deceptive icon in it that is advising you to look beneath the surface of situations to see what is really there. Someone could be confusing you or taking advantage of your good nature. It is also wise to check that any food or water is not contaminated as there is the element of disease or poison likely to be found lurking in these products. Even skin lotions may be productive of rashes or allergies. However, for those who are psychic, this can be a very revealing and inspiring time when your hunches pay off in a wonderful way. Some benefits are there for those who listen to their higher self and follow the guidance to a T."
Course of Action to be Taken: Seven of Pentacles. "Briefly: A bonus or raise is in the near future.
Full Meaning:The picture on this card shows a woman with a basket, ready to reap her hard work. She is in a garden overflowing with healthy foliage, and in the background are mountains. She is obviously a hard working woman going about her business, yet with an eye to the future. There are seven coins on the card depicting that he will gain financially from her efforts. There could also be a bonus in the near future for her. If this card represents yourself, you could be about to start a new job or earn an extra bonus in your pay packet. Or perhaps someone may actually assist you by guiding you towards a lucrative financial investment. You may also distance yourself from where you now live to earn a new living."
New Situation that will Evolve: Nine of Pentacles. "Briefly: You are coming into a position of prominence.
Full Meaning:The picture on this card shows a very attractive, if not beautiful, looking woman who is dressed in lovely threads. She wears a detailed head dress. She has a on her left hand a leather glove. Sitting on this hand a tamed Falcon, which is obviously a pet of hers. She looks serene, content and happy. Her eyes are dark and hypnotic, her lips are full and inviting. Her whole presence is one of luxury and adornment. She is surrounded by foliage and pentacles. If you are this woman you are coming into a position of prominence. If you are a woman and this is not you, it could be a new friend on your horizon, one who will stand by you in times of need. If you are a male, this woman could become a pivotal figure in your future and may even end up being your wife."
"At a recent show at Hester in New York, Jung performed the work I wuz born this way. WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE? (A Miss Spell to Free Yourself from the Bonds of Patriarchal Undermining in the Workplace) (2016). In it, she plays the role of a goofy office worker who, while biting her nails, tells the audience about her bullying boss and the spell she has devised against him. She stands in front of a sculpture that contains the ingredients for her spell: Venus clamshells, a pot of fool’s gold, a Starbucks cup, and a t-shirt. Mid-monologue, Jung changes her clothes and transforms from a shy secretary into something of a maverick, pacing the room and chanting her spell: “Fuck yourself, you fucking fuck, fuck yourself, triple fuck, double fuck yourself…” It’s a speech act that stages a shift in power, one that leaves Jung’s audience startled and a little spellbound."
"In June 2010, after ending a long-distance relationship, Renee Raymond decided to take a sabbatical from dating. It was time to let destiny take its course.
“I needed to be very clear with myself, and the universe, about what I wanted, who I was, and what worked for me and what didn’t work for me, which is not something I had done in a meaningful way before,” says Renee, 56. “It was like, ‘Let me take a minute and pause for my cause.’ ”
Little did she know that 700 miles away, in Chicago, her future wife, Patricia Raspberry, was doing the exact same thing.
Having recently ended a long-term, long-distance relationship, Patricia similarly decided that a year-long dating hiatus was the best course to help ensure her happiness.
“I got very specific about what it was that I wanted in, and from, a relationship,” says Patricia, 47. She began journaling and listing all of the characteristics she hoped to find in a partner, including quirky, super smart, intuitive, spiritual and humble.
Luckily, fate, in the form of a mutual friend, intervened. “She was relentless!” Patricia recalled. “She kept saying, ‘I believe that a higher spirit is telling me that you two have to meet.’ ”
“It was like we had literally put out in the universe, ‘This is what I want. I’m ready!’ and it went, ‘Okay, here you go,’ ” Patricia says, laughing.
“A friend’s partner once told me, ‘You’re going to have to let go of this whole notion that you can have someone who is funky, cool and super smart, all wrapped up in one package. It’s never going to happen for you,’ ” says Patricia. “I never forgot it, because I never believed her. And when I met Renee, I thought, ‘I finally got it.’ ”