Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
It’s hard to know many Jews refused to comply with the 1938 law, but probably not many. One was Dora Lux, a feisty Berlin schoolteacher of secular Jewish background who simply declined to turn up at the register office in 1938. Her daughter later reported her mother as saying, ‘I’m not going to put the noose round my neck just because they’ve told me to. I am not Jewish, and my name isn’t Sara. Let them come and get me’. (Schramm) In due course, this simple initial act to refuse a rewriting of her identity through her name was the essential step that protected Dora Lux from the ultimately disastrous consequences of registration as a Jew. She never applied for a Jewish ID card and thus slipped under the official radar. By a combination of ingenuity and pluck she survived the war without ever going into hiding. Her initial act of refusing her new name thus protected her from the accelerating processes that were capturing and recording the identity and location of Germany’s Jews, and that within a few years had marked them for certain destruction."
But why? My theory is that it's because video games, more so than any other art form, are designed to get you addicted and that this addiction has turned a bunch of dorky but harmless people into raving lunatics. But I'm just a doofy Internet comedy writer, so I talked to Ciaran O'Connor, a psychotherapist from Brighton, U.K. who specializes in gaming addiction (he even wrote a book about it), and he told me ...
But the difference between the healthy gamer and the addict is that the addict isn't getting this kind of "I matter" fulfillment anywhere else.
"[Gaming addicts] will tell me, 'I say things, and no one listens. I make jokes, and no one laughs. I make advances, and no one responds.' Then they go into an online environment, and suddenly they can get the biggest reactions. ... The consequences are gone, so they go for the biggest reactions. That can be violence and hatred."
All we could do was hide and wait. We didn't have to run from hiding place to hiding place while ducking under rocks and tree stumps like Frodo and company hiding from the ringwraiths. We didn't have a front-row view of the action. We weren't getting updates about what was going on. And while "annoying" might be a strange word to use to describe a life-or-death situation, that's what it was. The physical discomfort of my position, the frustration of hearing people (no kidding) texting on their phones when we were supposed to be quiet -- it all ended up feeding into a grating feeling of tedium.
I started thinking about trivial things like upcoming video games I might not get to play and TV series I wouldn't get to complete. I wondered if people on Internet forums I frequented would forget me without ever knowing why my profile went silent. Extremely trivial thoughts to have while in mortal peril, but it passed the time. Eventually, I thought, "Dammit, why doesn't this guy just shoot himself already? That's how these things always end, right? This existential bullshit is getting old, so if he could speed it along, that'd be great."
And that's when the gunman tried to enter the building ..."
"Fast-forward twenty years to Elyse reading about a dude having doggy-style anal sex with his billionaire dinosaur boss while dripping with dinosaur…er…emissions, and me going “Eh,” and casually eating another french fry. How I’ve grown over the years."
"Can we just pause here to reflect on the fact that the dinosaur is named Oliver Fucking Anderson? It’s so weirdly WASP-y and specific that I had to wonder if the author knows an Oliver Anderson and this is a big fuck you to him. I mean, if I were writing a book about a dude being forcibly sodomized by his dinosaur boss, I’d give that dinosaur boss a fucking dinosaur name like Mr. RazorClaws McSharpTeeth. Everyone knows dinosaurs had appropriately bad ass names, and even if they didn’t, fucking watch The Land Before Time or something."
"My father had never liked the dinosaurs ever since they began taking control of the world economy." -Actual book quote.
"Also, apparently dinosaurs can talk and wear clothes and posses human-level intelligence. Just expect me to accept that, Mr. Fox? Well, I don’t. How the fuck is a dinosaur going to wear pants what with its tail hanging out? And how would a T-Rex button his waistcoat? No, clearly, logic demands that if dinosaurs were running the global economy and setting consumer trends, we’d all be naked except humans would have to wear “shame sacks” to keep from freezing to death."
"Strangely the author never tells us what type of dinosaur Oliver is. We know that Oliver’s butler is a triceratops, his helicopter pilot is a pterodactyl (I KNOW), and the building security officers are raptors. I can only assume by the cover art, and the fact that it’s the fucking obvious choice, that Oliver is a T-Rex. I mean, if you’re going to write a book about a dinosaur fucking a dude, it’s gonna be a T-Rex, right?"
"Once again, rather than explore the nuances in human/dinosaur interpersonal relationships, Mr. Fox took the easy way out and as a result this book is largely about Oliver forcing his giant reptilian penis into John’s rectum. More questions were raised than were answered, and I think that 3500 words were hardly enough for convincing world building and character growth."
"Mad Men became almost unwatchable due to the fact that Don Draper was now played by a flamboyant Velcoiraptor." -Actual book quote.
"Let’s all take a minute to reflect on the fact that this book involves a guy fucking a dinosaur in space. Have you questioned the life choice that brought you to this review yet? Good."
"Oliver finds him and once again there is dubiously consensual sex and a sea of dino jizz"
"I think we’ve reached the zenith of digital publishing, folks. Once the words “shooting his massive load of dinosaur cum inside of me” are available to downloaded to your e-reader for just $2.99, humanity has no work left to do. Someday the sentient lemur-species that replaces us after our extinction will look upon this as the moment human culture reached it’s apex and began to die."
"I know, I know, you’re all like “Elyse, how can you be so critical of the anatomical plausibility of a T-Rex and a human man having anal sex? Is there no end to your skepticism?”
"Once again, I’m forced to fail another gay dino-erotica book. The author’s clear lack of research into space travel and refusal to address salmonella poisoning made the story of a T-Rex billionaire choking a dude while butt-fucking him just too unbelievable. Zero stars."
The fact that Christian Grey brings an unconscious woman back to his room is completely unremarked upon by anyone. He carried Anastasia – who is dead to the world – through the front door, past the front desk, through the lobby and into the elevator. And nobody, not the doorman, not the staff, not the guests, nobody said a damn thing about it.
Now in any place, people would notice this shit. This is not something you expect to see in a hotel lobby. In the real world, people would react to this; there would be comments, there would be whispers and pointing, people would be coming up to know if she was OK, folks would be filming it to be put on YouTube alternately laughing at the drunk coed or overlaying it with “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong”. And that’s for a normal, unknown person. Not a wealthy billionaire. Not someone who’s paparazzi bait.
Let’s be clear here: Christian Grey is the richest man in the Pacific Northwest. He’s no recluse – he’s, at the very least, Richard Branson-level famous. People know who he is and what he looks like. He’s notorious for having never had a publicly acknowledged relationship with anyone. And here he is, bringing an unconscious college student back to his room like he’s bringing back a pizza.
In any other world, this would be huge. TMZ and Perez Hilton would lose their everloving shit over this. Jezebel would have at least three articles in the span of 15 minutes going over grainy YouTube footage. Newspapers would be hounding Grey Industry’s PR team for comments. This would be trending on Twitter. Facebook would be flooded with people sharing the cameraphone snaps. There would be constant comparisons to Retaeh Parsons and Stubenville."
"There are a few problems with this approach. A real human brain requires hormonal feedback from its body to get anything done, literally gut feel. Humans who have lost the connection between their bodies and their brains, due to brain damage, vacillate in a fog of indecision and never get anything done. Assuming we can solve that problem, implementing a brain in a computer leaves us with a human-like brain that runs on really expensive hardware, but still has all the flaws of a real human brain.
A human-like brain in a computer will get bored, distracted, will procrastinate and make human errors, just like a real human. There's no way to take the ability to get distracted, or make errors, from the human brain model before you put it into the computer. Such a creature would be no better at any task than a real human would be."
"In this post-modern world with its internet and all that, you've got to decide what you want to be, and be that. I heard a lot of talk about how I'm supposed to appeal to people of all shapes and sizes and ages, and I've got to be honest: I just don't care.
I don't care about catching them on Pinterest or on Medium or whatever the MySpace of the day happens to be. I don't care what made-up and irrelevant generational sobriquet they've been given. I don't care if they can read my long-form stories on their cell phone. I do care that they can access our online calendar on their phones, but the truth is, our site is so bad that there's nothing I can do to enhance their experience. I'm not going to put my effort into a race where I'm the only guy who gets his foot chopped off before the starting gun.
I've even given up on Facebook as a promotion for stories in the newspaper. Facebook's formula for moving things onto news streams is anti-local news. It's like this: If you have exclusive local content that nobody else has, it's not popular across the country, therefore, it doesn't move onto other people's news feeds. It's a losing proposition for those of us with a finite amount of time and resources.
I care about smart people reading our stuff. I've been playing this game for a while now, and I have never heard from someone I consider intelligent say, “I refuse to get information from newsprint.” The smart people I know get information anywhere they can find it—it doesn't matter whether they're young, old, a TV or internet junkie.
I'd rather throw the race than compete in one I can't win. Don't worry, I've been told many times I'm wrong about this. I've been told many times I was wrong about just about everything I've ever succeeded at."