Cecil, Welcome to Night Vale: "The problem wasn’t solved, but most problems don’t get solved. I mean, generally we just do our best to mitigate the problem, and if it can’t be mitigated, then it can be relegated to a background noise by pleasant distractions and a prioritization of interests."
Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
Now what's Trump gonna do about his taxes? "Trump's current finances are set to face a new test with the coming April 15 tax deadline. He has steadfastly refused to release his returns, pointing both to ongoing audits and to his belief that Americans do not care to see them. However, a Pew Research Center survey in January found that 60 percent of Americans believe Trump has a responsibility to release his returns. All U.S. presidents are automatically audited every year, as prescribed by a guideline in the Internal Revenue Service manual in place for presidents and vice presidents since the 1970s. Trump could break with that tradition by urging Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin to call for a change to the practice, legal experts said. Trump has not said whether he would follow the tradition of the annual audit."
"House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) says Obamacare is in a “death spiral,” and he should know: He’s the one who cut the power to Obamacare’s engines and pointed its nose downward. President Trump says, “ObamaCare is imploding and will only get worse,” and he should know: He’s the one who placed the explosives under Obamacare’s foundation. House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Greg Walden (R-Ore.), co-author of the GOP health-care bill, says of Obamacare: “We’ve arrived at the scene of a pretty big wreck.” And he, too, should know: He’s the one who dumped oil and tire spikes on the road."
Glenn Beck is really sorry about the world he brought about. “In my life, I’ve had so many come-to-Jesus pivot points,” he says, “and I keep searching. Jesus and Hitler could both draw a crowd by saying, ‘You have pain. I have the way to make it stop.’ ” He stops. He says maybe he shouldn’t have said that. And then he says, “You don’t want to live inside my brain.”
Trump's typical MO. "THIS IS TRUMP’S MODUS OPERANDI:-- Whenever he is under fire for something in a sustained way, he makes a shocking claim or provocative declaration about something else to change the subject."
"In a move that absolutely will not backfire, White House press secretary announced today during a regular briefing that Donald Trump wants the media’s help to decide what charity he should donate his presidential salary to. That means Trump is letting the people he’s spent his entire presidency insulting choose what he does with his money, as if some cheeky hero isn’t going to take the opportunity to suggest stuff like the Committee To Protect Journalists, the ACLU, or any of the other organizations that are trying to stand up to Trump. And that’s also assuming that Trump isn’t totally full of shit, because it would be pretty surprising if he knew how to spell “charity,” let alone donate his $400,000 salary to one."
"McKinnon’s Jeff Sessions would make a great recurring character, except for one catch: every week Kate McKinnon plays Jeff Sessions on Saturday Night Live marks another week Jeff Sessions spent as Attorney General of the United States of America. McKinnon was born to play trickster gods, and as of this week, she’s invented a magnificent one. Too bad a throwback like Jeff Sessions inspired it."
"Do you think there’s some sort of competition? Among Republicans? Right now? To see how far they can go, how insufferable and cruel and sort of ruthlessly, face-stabbingly insulting to as many intelligent humans as possible in a single blurt, tweet, senate confirmation hearing? Are they all testing just how much they can get away with before the devil himself says “Hey, you know what? I think that’s just about enough from you.”
"Why am I looking Paul Ryan pointing at a television on my television? What did I do to deserve this? I'm just trying to live a quiet life comprised of shady resistance and actively being emotionally destroyed by This Is Us on a weekly basis. Why am I looking at a PowerPoint?"
Things to Know About Steve Bannon's Past: "According to emails obtained by The Post, his original Florida home was reportedly trashed. In one email, the landlord described the jacuzzi bathtub as "covered in acid." The damages came to over $14,000, resulting in the loss of Bannon and Clohesy's $9,800 security deposit....Last year, Bannon registered to vote in New York, and he once again cast an absentee ballot for the 2016 election. He was removed from Florida's voting records after it became known that he was registered in two states. There is currently an ongoing probe into Bannon's claims of residency to determine whether or not voter fraud was committed." This one has more details on his ex-wife and drugs and the tub.
"Texas State Rep. Jessica Farrar, D-Houston, filed a bill Friday that would penalize men for "unregulated masturbatory emissions."
The satirical House Bill 4260 would encourage men to remain "fully abstinent" and only allow the "occasional masturbatory emissions inside health care and medical facilities," which are described in the legislation as the best way to ensure men's health.
Farrar said she created the bill after feeling fed up with the various legislative bills introduced by men addressing women's healthcare.
"A lot of people find the bill funny," Farrar said in a phone interview. "What's not funny are the obstacles that Texas women face every day, that were placed there by legislatures making it very difficult for them to access healthcare."
A man would face a $100 penalty for each emission made outside of a vagina or medical facility. Such an emission would be considered "an act against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of life," according to the legislation.
A registry would be created of non-profit organizations and hospitals that provide "fully-abstinent encouragement counseling, supervising physicians for masturbatory emissions, and storage for the semen."
Her latest bill also seeks to provide men with a safe and healthy environment during vasectomies, Viagra uses and colonoscopies by creating "A Man's Right to Know" booklet that should "exactly follow the rules and procedures of the informational booklet "A Woman's Right To Know," required to be given of women terminating pregnancies.
During the consultation, the physician would verbally review the booklet with men and would be required to "administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum," according to the bill.
Farrar said she included this part of the bill to mimic the trans-vaginal ultrasound woman have when they are seeking an abortion. She also described the doctor reading the "Woman's Right To Know" pamphlet as a "guilt mechanism."
"It's to show how invasive this medically unnecessary procedure is," She said. "When a woman has to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound, it has nothing to do with her healthcare. One of the state's objectives is to guilt her into changing her mind."
A doctor would also have the right to "to invoke their personal, moralistic, or religious beliefs" if they refuse to perform a vasectomy or prescribe Viagra.
After reviewing the booklet, consent will be given to the man only after 24 hours have passed since the initial consultation."
"So, tonight Senator Isakson (R-GA) did a telephone town hall. A friend of mine attended and took notes. The town hall contained this exchange: Tom (from Decatur): The media. What is your opinion on Trump's statement that the media is the enemy of the American people? Isakson: I think the media and free reporting of news is essential. Follow-up: Will you publicly denounce the president's statement? Isakson: "I'm not going to get in a urinating contest with the president."
Dictators have similar decorating styles. “If I’ve only got one life,” most dictators seem to think, “let me live it surrounded by gold.” ... "Each time, I felt as if I could predict every last chair cover and golden heroic beast. Come on, I’d think, surprise me!"
Can Obama Sue Trump for Libel?"With Trump in office, the question is: Were the tweets sent out in Trump’s official capacity as president? If so, he’s immune from suit."
How Nixonian is Trump?"Nixon knew this wasn’t true—he had access to the intelligence records from 1968—but saying your predecessor was spying on you can make a compelling story, especially when you have something to hide yourself." Another article, same subject.
You could walk down the street and attend school free from the uncomfortable presence of a woman who had chosen distracting attire. There were no women in sweatpants or yoga pants or skirts of any length, with hair covered or with hair uncovered — or women, indeed, of any kind at all. Finally, you did not have to worry about feelings. The world was one big locker room.
There was no one to talk over. But also there was no one to stare rapt at you when you talked, no one who had been encouraged all her life to make you feel smart and interesting and to not take up too much space.
There was no one to yell at on the sidewalk and urge to smile. You had to catcall actual cats, and cats never answer. Objectification became sadly restricted to actual objects. And whose appearance could you criticize? Men’s? Suddenly you began to say mean things about Jude Law.
Many things, I regret to say — indeed, a suspicious number of things — went on without a hitch for a brief time. Most movies lost only a scene or two and it was barely noticeable, although ticket sales plummeted. The Cabinet was almost entirely unaffected. Wall Street and Silicon Valley largely went about their business as if nothing had occurred.
Statehouses began to feel bereft without women to regulate, whether on the subject of what bathrooms they could use or where they could go for reproductive care. There were no organs to restrict that the legislators did not, themselves, possess. And what was the fun of putting limitations on those? They looked for consolation to those fetuses who for many years they had ranked as full persons, but, inexplicably, they were nowhere to be found.
You began to be concerned.
If women were so vital, surely you would have heard more about them. But when you turned to history, it seemed largely devoid of women. There were hardly any chapters that starred them. They fought in few great battles and they were not presidents and seldom even queens. Had they been behind the scenes all along, making all of it possible? The thought began to occur that perhaps their footsteps were missing because they were carrying you.
And now things were falling apart. How were you possibly to achieve all your dreams and goals when also you had to keep the world from grinding to a halt on a daily basis? Suddenly you had to do all this emotional and domestic labor that no one was paying you for, and then your job on top of that. Suddenly things began to seem unfair. All you needed was a room of your own and a moment’s peace. When would you ever have time to write your very important novel about a middle-aged professor who was Going Through a Crisis? You were just a person, not a worker of miracles. Why was all of this expected of you?
You were used to having no one share the reward but now there was no one to share the work, either.
And there was more work than you had anticipated. What did women do, after all? Just everything, and then some.
But by the time you noticed that, it was too late.
Oh noes! No egg roll?! "As of this week, the first step in the process, the complex ticket lottery, has not yet happened. Though Easter was earlier last year, the ticket lottery had been completed by late February. Whitehouse.gov/eastereggroll states simply: "Thank you for your interest in this subject. STAY TUNED AS WE CONTINUE TO UPDATE WHITEHOUSE.GOV." (Update 3/8: The White House announced that the Egg Roll is officially scheduled for April 17th. No details about the lottery have yet been released.) ...Wells Wood Turning, a Maine company that produced as many as 75,000 to 100,000 wooden eggs for most of the last 10 White House rolls, has tweeted at President and First Lady as well as Ivanka Trump, with a plaintive request for news. "FYI manufacturing deadlines for the Easter eggs are near. Please reach out!" read one on Feb. 20."
Jimmy Fallon pressured to be more political to compete with Stephen Colbert: "Everyone is feeling the pressure to be “more political” because, quite understandably, it seems to be all anyone can think about. Even here at The A.V. Club, our political coverage (as it were) routinely outdraws everything else by thousands of pageviews; there’s the pervasive sense that right now audiences are only interested in things that directly engage with the world—whose incipient collapse they can’t take their eyes off for a minute—because everything else just feels irrelevant. Fallon would surely also love to get back to just goofing on movies and playing celebrity games full time. Reassuringly, one way or another, the current fevered pitch of political abominations eventually has to slow down or crater out, leaving a shellshocked nation once again gratefully turning to inconsequential silliness. But in the meantime, just like the rest of us, it seems Fallon has to adapt, at least until Mike Pence finally takes over and begins practicing a far more banal form of evil."
“No matter where you are from, we’re glad you’re our neighbor,”"The response has been overwhelmingly positive, with very few objections or acts of vandalism. A few people have objected that it's just a sign, not an action. And everyone agrees on that point. "Does a sign change anything on its own? No, it doesn't," Schneider, who has helped distribute signs in D.C., says. "But it expresses that this is a person who believes this, and that's a great sign, literally and figuratively. It shows that it's a community that's caring, not apathetic." "That's the thing with a symbol," Bucher says. "A symbol is something that stands for something else. ... The sign is this symbol to us, of how we live."
Grahamstanding: "Grahamstanding is the art of Senate posturing. Successful Grahamstanders are senators who put themselves front and center on issues of great national import to grab the headlines until they abruptly disappear or withdraw when the right tells them to back off. The term is the namesake of the original Grahamstander, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham (R).Sen. Graham is an honorable man. No question. But sometimes he gets so caught up in his games of legislative Twister that he no longer knows if his right hand should be on blue, on red, or somewhere in between."
Alec Baldwin clams he won't play Trump much longer."That’s why I’m not going to do it much longer, the impersonation. I don’t [know] how much more people can take it.” Dude, we can't take reality, but we're stuck with that one. At least you give us laughs.
"With Kellyanne Conway currently on timeout for putting her damn shoes on the furniture, the White House has scrambled to find someone capable of speaking out of the side of their mouth, the better to dispense bullshit with. Sarah “I Love My Dad, Mike” Huckabee Sanders drew the short straw, and was thrown into the lion’s den, where she made hilariously inadequate attempts to walk back Trump’s assertion that Barack Obama had ordered a wiretap on his phones. In true Trump official fashion, Huckabee Sanders managed to disparage the media, compare the Cheeto in chief to Jesus, and basically, do everything except answer the direct questions posed to her."
"One of my friends, a Canadian citizen, born in Canada, holding a Canadian passport was held at the land border for 6 hours yesterday, fingerprinted and refused entry to the USA. She was going for a spa day. The border guard would not explain why she was denied entry but told her she'd "been Trumped". My friend has plans to go to Miami for a concert (tickets already bought) later this month. They said she'd need to go to Ottawa to apply for a visa. She was planning her bachelorette later this year in Miami as well. My family had already cancelled a trip to Washington DC. I don't see us crossing the border anytime soon."
Sexism and science: "But how would their perceptions change, she wondered, if the genders of the candidates were switched? She pictured an actress playing Trump, replicating his words, gestures, body language, and tone verbatim, while an actor took on Clinton’s role in the same way." Sadly, all the videos got deleted. My impression of what I could see before they shut down was that the actor came off a bit prissy, but hoo boy, was the woman pretty terrifying and bunny-boiler-y during the "lurking" parts of round 2. Very loud, very annoying!