Sarah Silverman: "Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings."
Carolyn Hax: "Sometimes surrendering to the awful is more useful than fighting it."
Graham Joyce: "why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?"
Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
People close to Bentley, however, told me they viewed Mason's role in starkly different terms. They believe that Mason wormed her way into the governor's good graces through flattery and flirtation. To their minds, Bentley—an awkward man with a heart-rending comb-over who'd married young and come late to his lofty position—was unaccustomed to female attention. And foolishly susceptible to it. When his advisers would caution him about pushing for things the legislature wouldn't support, like a teacher pay raise, Mason would counter in a syrupy voice, “But you're the governor. People love you.”
Whatever Mason's motives—to buck up a governor who she felt needed to assert himself or to win the affections of a lovelorn old man—the ego-stroking worked so well that some people were shocked. “When she became his top political adviser, it was like the Hindenburg came down and fell on the Titanic as the Titanic hit the iceberg,” one person who was once close to Bentley told me. “I was watching a woman who didn't know how a bill becomes a law running the state of Alabama.”
And then a curious thing happened. Since his aides now knew about his relationship with Mason, Bentley no longer felt the need to go to great lengths to conceal it. Montgomery insiders told me that in meetings, he'd rest his hand on Mason's thigh, and she'd wipe food from his face. At campaign headquarters, they'd disappear into Mason's office, and at the capitol, into his, and she would emerge hours later with her hair tousled. Bentley even bought himself a pickup truck—a brand-new light blue GMC Sierra—that he began using to slip his security detail. When state troopers eventually would locate him, he'd often be at a secluded pond outside town where, it was assumed, he'd been rendezvousing with Mason. Although he continued to deny that he had a “physical relationship” with her, he told his concerned aides, “I've finally found happiness. Why don't you want me to be happy?” With all other options exhausted, his staffers began to accommodate themselves to this new reality. They seemed to care more than Bentley did about deflecting the rumors. They scrambled to contain the bombshell of the lovesick governor.
In the run-up to his re-election, Dianne Bentley rarely appeared by her husband's side—not that it was her choice. The governor would seem stronger, Mason had told him, if he campaigned without his wife. But on election night—when protocol required her presence—Dianne stood behind Robert and smiled for the camera. When he thanked his family—“They didn't ask to do what they've had to go through”—Dianne smiled even wider."
"Lane’s subject is this guy who made a fortune in the 1920s performing operations on impotent and infertile men, in whose scrotums he’d implant chunks of goat testicle. For a time, the small-town Kansas clinic where Brinkley operated was flooded with patients, all allowed to select their own goats. The procedure was so popular that Buster Keaton even made a joke about it in one of his movies. When the American Medical Association and various other governing and regulatory bodies began moving to shut Brinkley down, he rallied the citizenry to his cause by running for public office in Kansas and founding his own media outlets—including a high-powered radio station on the Texas-Mexico border. By the time he died in 1942, the doctor (or, more accurately, “doctor”) had almost incidentally reinvented the radio business.
I'm not gonna watch a sloth poop video, but otherwise this article is a horrifying delight. (Washington Post.)
"But there’s one thing a baby sloth does that you will never see in a Pixar film — a bodily function so disturbing, both David Attenborough’s "Life of Mammals" and Animal Planet’s "Meet the Sloths" have taken great care to turn the cameras away once it begins.
We all do it. It’s a necessary part of life. I’m talking, of course, about pooping. And we went there.
“It’s always a special occasion when the sloth poops,” said Cathy Schlott, curator for the National Aviary in Pittsburgh.
Sloths only urinate and defecate once a week, said Schlott. “So when the floodgates open, it’s a big production,” she said.
At this point in our interview, Schlott was speaking from past experience. She was holding Valentino in a soft, blue blanket and allowing him to eat at his leisure while I pelted her with questions about sloth anatomy and behavior. We had strayed into the realm of sloth skull shape when the unthinkable happened.
Valentino, bless his little heart, started defecating.
Because constipation is the norm for sloths, each bowel movement is a bit like giving birth. The animal’s dung emerges in one long piece which has the overall size, shape and color of a rotten banana. Witnessing it up close is as impressive as it is horrific.
And lucky for you, my wife was there to film it.
Rebecca Cliffe, a sloth biologist at Swansea University, said she’s seen these animals lose up to one-third of their body weight after a healthy squat. One turd she measured weighed over two pounds.
“You can watch their stomachs physically shrink as they poo,” said Cliffe, who has spent countless hours studying sloths in the forests of Costa Rica.
Once on the ground, the sloth does what Cliffe calls a “poo dance” which helps to create a small hole in the soil for the scat to go in. Post-defecation, the sloth does another quick Truffle Shuffle before clambering right back up the tree it came down.
Why sloths should wait so long to evacuate and then make such a performance out of doing so remains one of the biggest sloth mysteries, said Cliffe. After all, most canopy-living animals let their scat fly without so much as a courtesy Geronimo.
And finally, it's hard to overstate just how dangerous it is for sloths to leave the tree canopy: It is the No. 1 most dangerous thing a sloth can do. Over half of all sloth fatalities happen while they’re skipping to the loo. And Cliffe just doesn’t think a sloth would risk its adorable little neck to do those moths a solid.
“Whatever is going on, it’s got to be kind of life or death for survival,” she said. “In my brain, that tells me that it’s probably something to do with reproduction, because that is the driving fact behind most animals’ crazy behaviors.”
Each juvenile bear that arrives at the zoo gets assigned a color, and zookeepers mix the glitter into their meat patties. That way, when they examine the resulting poop, they can connect it to a bear.
"With food colorings, you know, it was either red, which made it look like the animals were eating beets or had some kind of internal problem, or it just got metabolized," Petersen explained. But even glitter that's safe to eat will stay intact in a polar bear's digestive system.
This might already be done with animals at your local zoo. You probably wouldn't know it, because (disappointingly) the practice doesn't turn enclosures into glittering rainbows.
"People aren't usually close enough to see poo sparkling in the sunshine," Petersen said with a laugh."
Okay, good. Now against these two facts, we hold up this quite remarkable blog post. Adams seems to be endorsing Hillary Clinton. Only he does so only as a way of avoiding being personally assassinated. That is not much of an endorsement, is it?
Plus, he says he is virtually certain Trump will win the presidency. Nobody is virtually certain Trump will win the presidency.
Some people have taken this post seriously. But I do not. I think it is a fairly clever bit of satire by a very smart a-hole, and it's making the general point that this election is nuts; and that violence in the service of political extremism is nuts.
Adams does have the ego to really think that his views are important enough to make himself a target for assassination, but he is just not crazy enough to really believe the rest of this. And his ego would not allow him to seriously make an endorsement out of fear of death.
"Instead of spending Jan. 15, her wedding day, posing for pictures in her white Vera Wang wedding gown, Kristen Dinan Gesswein spent the afternoon crying, laughing and shopping with her fiancé, Dr. Stephen Fealy, for a black dress. "I'm in mourning," she said. The wedding, which was to take place at the Roman Catholic Church of St. Vincent Ferrer in New York, was abruptly canceled the day before, because, the bridegroom said, of "multiple stresses on our system." Dr. Fealy, 30, is an orthopedic surgery resident at the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York. He said he was distraught over injuries to his hands. Last month, while operating, he sprained one hand and then deeply cut the other with a scalpel. This left him unable to operate, shave or even button his shirt. (Ms. Gesswein buttons them for him.) Also, friends of the couple said, there was more than the usual tension among family members, some of whom disapproved of the match. "We were all so upset," Dr. Fealy said. And so the Rev. Boniface Ramsey, the pastor of St. Vincent Ferrer, called off the ceremony. "I was the one who precipitated this," Father Ramsey said. "I said I could not witness their marriage in their present state." He added, "There are jitters, and then there are jitters." Rather than run in opposite directions, the couple decided to stick together and have the reception anyway. "Kristen said to me, 'I will not leave you under any circumstances,' " Dr. Fealy remembered. So the night before the wedding, the couple and members of their wedding party began calling guests with the news. "It was quite a shock," said Guy Harley, one guest. "The nice part about it is Kristen has a great sense of humor. If anyone could handle this with grace and dignity, it's her." Ms. Gesswein, a tall, striking correspondent for the Fox News Channel in New York, met Dr. Fealy at a dinner party in 1997. "I thought she was the most beautiful thing since ice cream," Dr. Fealy recalled. They fell in love quickly and intensely, each said separately, and were able to have a good time together wherever they were, in a burger joint or a morgue. Once, he took her to an anatomy lab to see how she would react to dead bodies. (She didn't flinch.) One summer night, while they were walking, she suddenly dived into the Pulitzer Fountain, outside the Plaza. "I've never had moments of just pure joy like I've had with him," Ms. Gesswein said. Last year, he gave her a platinum band with a diamond chip. "It was so small, people at work would say, 'Where's the diamond?' " Ms. Gesswein, 31, remembered. "But I didn't care. I was just glad to be his." On the night the wedding was to take place, the formally dressed and stunned guests gathered for the reception. Some thought the couple wouldn't show, but eventually they did, weary but smiling. Ms. Gesswein, who called herself "the nonbride," fearlessly mingled with the guests wearing a black sculptural gown and looking like a model in a Richard Avedon picture. In lieu of a bouquet, she carried a goofy purse decorated with drawings of martini glasses and a fringe of dangling green plastic olives. "This has been quite a test of strength and love," she said later. "I don't think I really knew how much I loved him until the priest canceled the wedding. Most women would say, 'I've had enough, I'm going to walk away, I don't want to stick around for this.' But I'll go to the end of the earth to be with him." It's easy to attend weddings that go off without a hitch and never once reflect deeply about love, commitment and everyday married life. Usually, the flowers or the trumpets are too distracting. But when a wedding is canceled, when the poems go unread, it's hard to avoid dwelling on those subjects. "It makes you think about how big the decision is," Father Ramsey said. "Marriage is not just unalloyed bliss. Marriage is life, intermingled with someone else's life. That's tough, as well as beautiful." The couple set off the next day for their "honeymoon" in Zihuatanejo, Mexico, leaving their guests hopeful that all would work out. "I was supposed to be a reader in the wedding," said Anne Woolsey. "I was going to read, 'Love is patient, love is kind.' In this case, love had better be patient." It was: the two were married on Thursday in a civil ceremony on a Mexican beach. "