Dan Harmon: "I believe in magic. I believe in mythology. I believe in shamanism. I believe that spells can be cast and I believe that random things coalesce and reveal themselves to be part of a plan we don’t control, you know."
Nora Ephron: "Never turn down a front-row seat for human folly."
Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals: "One day I was a young boy... when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. Even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued... As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and the pink roes spilled out much to the delight of the baby otters. Mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
McAlvie "The ultimate downfall of modern civilization won't be war; it'll be Twitter and Facebook."
Jenny Zhang: "A lot of writers swear by routine, but I swear by chaos. There’s enough fucking routine in my life. Every day I have to brush my teeth. Every day I have to smile at strangers. Every day I have to worry about money. Every day I want something I can’t have. Every day I find some way to go on! I know that writing every day for an hour would help me tremendously with writer’s block, but I also know that I need an element of wildness in my writing. I need to know that writing is something I do because it sets me free. It makes me feel golden with confidence. It gives me the gift of gab. I feel like a god. I feel like an entertainer. So write when you damn well please."
Joe Queenan: "If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it's probably because at some level you find "reality" a bit of a disappointment. People in the 19th century fell in love with "Ivanhoe" and "The Count of Monte Cristo" because they loathed the age they were living through. Women in our own era read "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre" and even "The Bridges of Madison County"—a dimwit, hayseed reworking of "Madame Bovary"—because they imagine how much happier they would be if their husbands did not spend quite so much time with their drunken, illiterate golf buddies down at Myrtle Beach. A blind bigamist nobleman with a ruined castle and an insane, incinerated first wife beats those losers any day of the week. Blind, two-timing noblemen never wear belted shorts."
LogicalDash: "Nobody of any age should have to fend off sexual partners. That such defense is assumed as a part of the cost of adult courtship is suggestive of some more fundamental problem than age difference and its effect on consensuality."
Keith Richards: "I had to invent the job, you know," he said, earlier. "There wasn't a sign in the shop window, saying, "Wanted: Keith Richards."
Caitlin Moran: "As I started to reassess my writing style, I thought about what I liked doing--what gave me satisfaction--and realized the primary one was just... pointing at things. Pointing out things I liked, and showing them to other people--like a mum shouting, "Look! Moo-cows!" as a train rushes past a farm. I liked pointing at things, and I liked being reasonable and polite about stuff. Or silly. Silly was very, very good. No one ever got hurt by silly.
Best of all was being pointedly silly about serious things: politics, repression, bigotry. Too many commentators are quick to accuse their enemies of being evil. It's far, far more effective to point out that they're acting like idiots, instead. I was up for idiot-revealing.
"I am just going to be polite and silly, and point at cool things," I decided. "When I started writing, I would have killed to have one thing to write about. Now, I have three. Politeness and silliness, and pointing. That's enough."
Carolyn Hax: "Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
David Simon: "Change is a motherfucker when you run from it."
Joe Queenan: "People who read an enormous number of books are basically dissatisfied with the way things are going on this planet. And I think, in a way, people read for the same reason that kids play video games ... they like that world better. It works better, it's more exciting, and it usually has a more satisfactory ending."
Dan Savage: "There isn't someone for everyone. Some of us do wind up alone, and that just fucking sucks and sometimes that stings, and you don't know if you're one of those people who's going to wind up alone until you die alone....So you kind of have to live in hope and build a life for yourself that's rewarding and fun, has friends and pleasure in it, whether you're alone or not."
the painkiller: "I will not be tagged, pinned, circled, liked, tweeted, retweeted or numbered."
Steve Jobs: "Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Apple: "Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
Miss Manners: "Please do not -- repeat, not -- make a hostile approach to knitters. Have you not noticed that they are armed with long, pointy sticks?"
Stephen Tobolowsky: "And of course, nothing is what I figured on in my life. That seems to be a recurring theme."
James Bulls: "When you find yourself walking a true path, you will know it because you will want to walk it no matter the burning Sun, freezing sleet, torrential rain, and treacherous ground. The risks become no less and the journey as always exhausts you, but your desire to brave the challenges never diminishes."
Amy Argetsinger: "Twitter is a disease, plain and simple. It makes people insane. A decade from now I expect the CDC and FDA will be issuing warnings."
Cary Tennis: "You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much."
Mark Morford: "It is 2011 and here is what we know: Reality is fluid, fact is malleable, cause and effect completely uncertain. We know what we don't know, but we also know the opposite."
Charlie Jane Anders: "Just remember, if you flinch from your destiny, you'll never achieve your true greatness — you didn't choose to be chosen, but being chosen means you have to choose."
Roger Ebert: "To put it bluntly, I believe the world is patriarchal because men are bigger and stronger than women, and can beat them up."
Myca: "Jesus is not the reason for the season, and there's no way I need to act like he is. Christmas is a stolen tradition. There's no reason we can't steal it back."
Lady Gaga: "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable, you fucking dumb bit of toy!"
Dianna Agron: "I am trying to live my life with a sharpie marker approach. You can’t erase the strokes you’ve made, but each step is much bolder and more deliberate."
John Mayer: "It occurred to me that since the invocation of Twitter, nobody who has participated in it has created any lasting art. And yes! Yours truly is included in that roundup as well. Let me make sure that statement is as absolute and irrevocable as possible by buzzing your tower one more time: no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable."
Vanessa, Something Positive: "I like 'em crazy. You hear insane rants, I hear a reminder that the sex is interesting. Oooh! Hear that? Tonight's gonna tingle."
Anonymous: “Your problem is that you want to be an artist. What you need to be is an artisan.”
Sugar: "Ask better questions, sweet pea. The fuck is your life. Answer it."
Wide Lawns: "Often very odd things happen to me. Usually they are not my fault and mostly beyond my control."
Anonymous reporter: “When weird shit happens around here, weird shit really happens around here.”
Anne Johnson: "Today some stranger sent me an email that said, "You are a nut case." Well, I must admit this never would have occurred to me. Everyone else is a nut case. I'm the sane one. I think."
Carl Mayer: "Whenever I start to feel like my life isn’t where I want it to be, “Cops” is there to put everything into perspective. Yeah, I haven’t made all the right moves over the last 34 years, but I’m not hiding from the police under a kiddie pool, either."
John Scalzi: "In retrospect, it’s a little weird to think that my entire future was falling into place as I obliviously tucked into the El Presidente chimichanga platter, but of course, that’s life for you — the most important days of your existence don’t always announce themselves in obvious ways."
Tart and Soul: "Indeed, love comes whether we have braced ourselves for it or not. But commitment offers a choice, tapping us on the shoulder to say, “sorry to bother you. Is this a good time?”
J.C. Hutchins: "I was Wanky McWankerton, in love with words I’d yet to write. I did this for nearly two years. If every sperm is sacred, God wasn’t irate with me — he was effing thermonuclear."
Beth Sekishiro: "You don't need to be conventional to love people. Maybe you've got to give up your whole life - but that's just when you'll find it."
I give you warning in advance. Hopefully I can recap the fun bits for posterity later.
Okay, here we go with the recapping:
"Our best man bailed between the wedding and reception. His excuse (communicated by a flurry of texts)? Another member of the wedding party strangled him until he passed out. Multiple witnesses have confirmed that the strangulation never happened. We still aren't sure what the heck happened."
"First wedding to nice guy who made the mistake of having a cigarette to "calm his nerves" five minutes before the wedding (and no, he was not a regular smoker). During the wedding - yes right in the middle of the preacher talking he barfs all over the floor (thankfully and quite miraculously he missed my dress.) He ran out followed by the best man, all the groomsmen, his father and the preacher. I was standing there wondering what the hell to do. Somebody came and cleaned up the floor and after what seemed like an eternity he came back along with the others. He turned and faced everyone and said "I think I'm ready now." Some light laughter although most folks were too completely in shock to react. So preacher continues and gets to the "in sickness and in health" line and at that there was some hearty laughter. So I married him but it only lasted a few years (and with that kind of beginning can you blame me?)"
Disclaimer: "The one about the groom who barfed on the alter is a word-for-word repeat from last year. I only recognized it so quickly because I re-read last year's hoot a couple days ago. These things never get old :)" Carolyn's response was: "You know what this means: I have to post it every year, as if it's new. Would someone with an unusually long memory for trivia be willing to re-submit it next year? Much obliged."
"Turns out the groom was so drunk that he simply climbed into the car with his departing friends and hitched a ride back to the city, leaving the bride back at the wedding venue. By now we were the only ones left and she had to hitch a ride back with us. When we got to their apartment, her new husband was passed out face-down on the bed, wearing nothing but bright red silk boxers, while his friends watched ESPN and ordered pizza in the next room. Twelve years later he's still wondering when we're going to stop giving him crap about his oh-so-romantic wedding night."
"My daughter married a lovely, kind man. A few weeks before the wedding, the groom's parents invited us to dinner at their country club - a 4 hour drive away. We did not know each other well and thought it was a kind gesture, so decided to make the trip. Before drinks were even on the table, the groom's father launched into a lecture. "As you certainly know, bride has decided not to take our family's historic name upon her marriage," he began. "Even worse, she will not commit to giving that name to our grandchildren and our son refuses to discuss this with us." He then went on to explain that because I had not changed my name when I got married, I had set a "bad precedent," and if I explained to my daughter how much I "surely regretted this transgression" she might be persuaded. My husband then insisted that they change the topic of conversation, which, miraculously, they did and the rest of the evening was awkward but bearable. Until... as the valet pulled up with the car and we got in, the groom's mother shouted "WE KNOW YOU'RE TO BLAME!"
"I come from a hockey family and married into one. My brother was a moderately successful professional hockey player, albeit one who made it more with the rough stuff than skill. Well at the reception my husbands uncle had a few too many and relentlessly heckled my brother about his career, ultimately challenging him to a (what would have been ill advised) fight. Bro didn't take the bait but ANOTHER uncle on the other side of my husbands family did, and two sixty something year olds squared off on the dance floor, with their sons "letting them go". Suits were ruined and some muscles strained, but remarkably the two were drinking together not ten minutes later."
"My cousin's date to my wedding was an ex that she was still friends with. He was wearing all black, and put a white napkin under the points of his collar, making himself look like a priest. Then, he and some other male guests (that may have been related to me) crashed the reception on the other side of the hall. He was introducing himself as Father Todd and blessing people. On the other hand, my new SIL's boyfriend showed up to the wedding and reception wearing torn shorts and a grungy t-shirt. With his slight skullet, he looked like an aging Kid Rock. And at the breakfast the morning after, he showed up in khakis and a polo."
"Hi, CH. I wrote last year about my future in laws plotting to show up in black at my wedding. My fiance sat down with them and said he didn't give a rats pi-tutti what they wore but they were only welcome if they were there to celebrate with us, and if not they should stay at home or he would have them escorted out! Well, they acted all surprised but said they would come. It seems some backed out of the plan but MIL actually did wear black and came. Husband said he would do whatever we wanted and I said let's see if we can make a story we could laugh about later on.... Well, we did! Karma happened and I didn't have to lift a finger. My Maid of Honor conspired with the DJ to play Amy Winehouse's "Back in Black" during the Mother-Son dance. Now the video, which I watched a dozen times now with tears running down my face, plays "We only said good-bye with words/I died a hundred times/You go back to her/And I go back to black." I know it's a romance song, but who cares - it's hysterical. The face on my MIL is priceless and captured for all eternity."
"1. A bunch of my in-laws (including MIL and SIL) were smoking pot behind the dumpster at the reception site. My Dad's friend, who none of them had met, walks up and SIL freaks out thinking "oh &*#! we are busted". Instead he tells SIL in his thick southern drawl "Well I sure am pleased to make your acquaintance darlin', I knew if I waited long enough there would be a smoke break." Family bonding ensues. 2. My aunt had too many drinks but thought she was okay to drive home. Backing out of the parking lot, she smashes into the caterer's car in full view of a crowd of guests outside (see story #1). She slowly drives away, thinking it was just a tap. The caterer includes the repair cost in my final bill, aunt gets home okay but insists to everyone "Don't tell Grandma". 3. During the reception cleanup, we realize there is still half a keg of beer left. Since the smoke break by the dumpster was over, that becomes the keg stand spot, where husband and several of my friends in dresses take turns."
"We made several poor decisions, including playing a game called "The Bachelorette Party Game." One of the questions asked if there were any former lovers that the bride still thought about and I was the unfortunate person who got stuck asking it. The bride paused for a long time and then began a tearful confession about how she thought she might still be in love with an ex-boyfriend who she still saw regularly and wasn't sure if she loved her fiance or should marry him. There was hideous silence and then she and her twin sister started yelling at each other as apparently this issue had surfaced between them before. The rest of us sat around awkwardly until on cue the doorbell rang and the stripper arrived. It was so bad that we just paid him and sent him home and all made uncomfortable excuses to leave while the bride and her twin continued to fight loudly in the other room. The wedding was the next day and we were all absurdly uncomfortable since no one had spoken since the day before. During the part where the minister asks if anyone has any reason why the couple should not get married, several of us made awkward eye contact and sat on our hands. It was terrible. That said, they are still married today over 10 years later, so I guess all's well that ends well."
"My father stood up at my wedding and said (written down so he wouldn't screw it up), "I hope today is the worst day of your marriage." Then sat down and waited for everyone to figure out that he was going for a nice sentiment that everything after the wedding will be even better than the wedding. Dad was given specific guidance for what he could say when my sister got married 10 years later."
"I had the misfortune of being a MOH at a friend's Elvis themed wedding (he liked Elvis--she didn't). He showed up to the wedding dressed like Elvis regardless. They were only getting married because she was pregnant (he was a creep with prior kids from a 16 year old and actively engaged in a custody/immigration battle with a woman in another country who he'd also impregnated). It was a train wreck from the beginning and I'm embarrassed that most of us were there for the spectacle. During the ceremony, the officiant repeatedly mispronounced the groom's name (they had not met before that day), and then when he got to the part asking if anyone had any objections, someone loudly coughed "bull****" and there was a horrible long awkward silence as everyone shifted uncomfortably in their pews. Things proceeded, but at the reception continued to go downhill. The reception was at a gay karaoke bar (classy), and opened with her brother loudly wailing "White Wedding" severely off key. The groom got trashed and sang the rest of the night ignoring the bride and everyone else. When it got time for my toast I was nervous about what to say and took about 4 shots in very rapid succession and started to feel extremely nauseous. I had written a speech but managed to get through very little before congratulating the bride and announcing that I was happy she was pregnant. Another deafening silence filled the room which I found fit to fill with "Go Bears!" before being seated amidst gaping stares. The couple is not together anymore, but miraculously, I am still friends with the bride. I have never lived that incident down but have since managed to pull off being a MOH to much better success."
"When my husband's cousin got married a few years back, I was unable to attend the bridal shower. I put together a collection of smaller items from their registry (serving utensils, napkin holder, cake stand, etc) and packaged it up in a sturdy box I had in my closet. I wrapped it beautifully and sent it off with some other relatives who were attending. A few weeks later I received a nice hand-written note thanking us for the mini black-&-white TV (the box it had all been wrapped in.) Apparently they never opened the box. All these years later they've never mentioned it, and neither have I. I always wonder if they donated the "TV" or just chucked it?"
"A few years back I was at a wedding where the groom's parents were long divorced. The groom's father - very awkwardly - stands up to give a toast. "I remember when the groom was born. Actually, I remember when he was conceived. It's kind of hard to forget when you only had sex once a year."
"When my best friend and her boyfriend got engaged after dating for 5 years, they decided to get married at city hall and have a small dinner celebration because he was home for just 2 weeks on a mid-tour leave from Afghanistan. (A larger wedding Hootenanny was planned for after he was back from duty) Well, his mom wouldn't hear of it and turned their planned dinner in to a 'small' wedding with 50+ guests - mostly her friends. She also wrote out for him his speech, thanking everyone in the room by name for being there ... except me, the Maid of Honor, who'd flown in to support my friend. Oh, and his grandmother tried to object during the ceremony ... good times!" Carolyn's response: "Tell me she coughed "bull****," and I can quit happy."
"Daughter-in-law ("Carrie") marries into family about 5 years ago and has had her wedding dress stored in a box at Father-in-law's ("Frank") house ever since. Frank's daughter (Carrie's sister-in-law, "Susan") is getting married, and she wants to wear her mother's wedding dress. The only problem is that Mom is a stick figure, and Susan and Carrie are normally-sized and...obviously Frank sees and opening to save a few coins on the wedding dress and represents Carrie's wedding dress to Susan as having been her mom's. Susan falls in love with dress, despite multiple red flags (seamstress commenting that the fabric/style is fairly modern, it's freshly boxed) and Susan makes comments to Carrie along the way that she would never wear something from David's Bridal (where Carrie got the dress) as it's so much more tasteful to wear a family heirloom. Notices are placed in wedding program about how happy Susan is to be wearing her mother's wedding dress. Carrie shows up at the wedding to find her sister-in-law walking down the aisle in her wedding dress--now permanently altered--without asking/permission (which she would have of course given, snarky comments about David's Bridal notwithstanding). Jaw hits floor. Frank and wife apologize shortly afterward to Carrie about the little white lie which got out of hand but ask Carrie not to spill the beans. Now a month later, Susan still doesn't know but people are hiding mom's and Carrie's wedding pictures to try to perpetuate the hoodwinking. At least the dress is destined to be a family heirloom after this..."
"When my wife and I sent out invitations to our guests, we provided a return card with choice of entree for our guests We offered choices of steak, fish, and vegetarian, and thought we had covered the bases. One aunt, however, returned her card, had added a line, and written in that 'all of the choices would give me gas, so I will see if the appetizers will suffice' . We suggested Beano to her. But the clincher was my wife's step mother, who did not return her card because we had not notified her about which dishes came with rice, which she did not prefer to eat."
"Both sides of the family agreed to invite no more than 30 people each and they split the cost - the couple did not want a huge wedding. On the wedding day, it turns out that his mother-in-law couldn't abide by the 30-guest limit and invited close to 150 people, 100 of which showed up. So a wedding that was supposed to top out at 60 people was more than double that size. Without telling the couple or my cousin's parents, they rented the adjoining room and opened the flex-wall (or whatever it's called) to make one big room. The extra guests more than doubled the cost of the reception. To add insult to injury, she demanded that the other parents split the cost for the additional guests. They refused and she sued them. The case was dismissed, but it was a horrible way to start a relationship with new family."
"A few years after the wedding I was telling my mom that I never did get to eat anything from the dessert buffet since they seemed to not put much out and it was empty by the time my bridesmaids went to get me something. "Oh, you should have said something. The ladies (her friends/sisters) could have given you some after" Yes, her friends and relatives had brought Tupperware to the wedding and descended like locusts as soon as they put the desserts out, taking EVERYTHING."
"We didn't order our own cake. My mother in law got wind of us considering one that wasn't white, clutched at her pearls and offered to buy us the cake as a gift. Since she lived across the country from the venue she couldn't stop by the cake shop, and just ordered one over the phone. The cake was lovely, but the little bride and groom figurines on top looked very cheap, with a very sloppy paint job that made them look really, really angry. Especially the bride looked just about to punch someone. We still have the figurines in our kitchen, and every now and then we try to come up with new explanations for why they're so angry when we're cooking."
"My husband and I got married a few years ago at a grand old historic southern Inn on our college campus. We had our fair share of normal wedding "mishaps,": Our cousin showed up in a skull t-shirt and cargo pants to our elegant affair, prompting half the guests to rush over to alert us that a "wedding crasher was present," and our DJ to playfully call him out with "you know this guy's ready to party because he's in a skull t-shirt." I accidently spilled nail polish remover on a 100+ year old antique table and stripped all the stain. My bridesmaid ordered the wrong dress size and literally got her dress only hours before she had to travel down. And, of course, extended family members who always find reasons to get offended got offended, and those who don't know their limit with the adult beverages didn't find it that night either. All and all a really great time was had.
It was my dad, however, who was the real star of the show. First, he tried to pop open the door to the Inn wide enough for both us to walk through it together so the photographer could take a picture of us walking out, but swung it too hard and it rebounded and put a giant welt on my arm. Then, when he was at the altar giving me a hug "good-bye" (gag), he knocked my veil out of my hair, prompting a five minute franatic search for the veil's comb by my mother while two bemused priests looked on (side note: everyone sitting behind my folks was like "oooh, your mother was so calm and just handled it so well," while everyone sitting to the side who could see their facial expressions was like "Holy $h!t, your mom almost killed your dad on your wedding day!"). My dad asked if he should take a bow after the veil was restored, to which I said (in front of the priests) "you damn well better." ...He did, there was applause all around...
And finally, we discovered after his 20th serving of Shrimp and Grits that my father has a shellfish allergy, and had to be rushed to the ER for observation the rest of the night. My mom compares it to "the way Will Smith looked in Hitch." Even better to my dad's evening was the follow-up two years later. My mom called up my DJ to book him for my now-engaged sister's wedding, and while they were catching up my mom said something along the lines of "we told Youngest Daughter no shellfish allowed at this event, we want Dad to make it to the end of the reception!"
The DJ got very quiet for several seconds and then said, "excuse me ma'am, I didn't think he made it." He went on to say that he thought my dad died, that he thought everyone was trying to keep it from me at the reception, and that for the past two years every time a potential client has asked him how he handles hiccups/disasters at weddings, he tells them about "the time the bride's dad died of a shrimp allergy, but he made sure to give them the party of a lifetime." To his credit, it was a great party, and hundreds of couples trying to plan their "perfect day" got to hear the horror story of my father's shellfishy demise."
"And when the Bride did a money dance, she got a total of $12, $5 of which came from her mom. Needless to say we all believed in karma that day."
"My sister generously took charge of the playlist for the cocktail hour. When we arrived at the venue, she handed off her iPod to one of the staff, and he said he would hook it up to the audio system for her. All was going well until cocktail "hour" ran over it's allotted 60 minutes. My sister was talking to one of my parents' (conservative) friends when all of a sudden she heard Andy Dick's "Suck My [Andy's last name]" playing over the venue speakers. It turns out that when the playlist had ended after an hour, her iPod reverted to shuffle mode! Worse yet, she had no idea where the staff person had taken her iPod, so she couldn't fix it. I was outside on a balcony, so I had no idea what was going on until I went inside to go down for dinner, at which point the iPod was getting everyone in the holiday spirit with a festive rendition of "The First Noel."
You can also take a poll as to which was best. So far Dead Shellfish Dad and "WE KNOW YOU'RE TO BLAME!" are pretty neck and neck.
"A restaurant dedicated to chocolate-flavored chicken. It sounds like a joke. And when Adam Fleischman, founder of the Umami empire and monetary force behind many other L.A. restaurants, announced in January that he'd be opening a concept based not around mole but actual, yes, chocolate-flavored chicken, many of us treated it as a joke.
Despite all this, I wrenched my mind open to the idea. Who would argue that the Oaxacans were wrong to put chocolate in mole? Perhaps, despite Fleischman's insistence that his concoction was not mole-like in any way, he and his partners had found a way to get chocolate into the batter of fried chicken in a way that wasn't totally wrong-headed."
Well, I'm curious. How does it go?
"Slide into your seat, get yourself settled, and resist ordering a drink called the Angry Cock. It might more aptly be named the Childish Sorority Girl: a bourbon/creme de cacao/root beer milkshake-type thing with alcoholic whipped cream on top. Don't let the description, which includes egg whites and walnut bitters, fool you. This drink is as tawdry as they come. And it's not the only one. There are a lot of cocktails here with creme de cacao in them."
Well, that's interesting. But how does that chicken taste?
"The crust is dark brown and crispy and tastes like chocolate, but not in an overbearing way. If anything, it has an odd, bitter finish.
It's not terrible. In fact, on first and second bite, the oddity of eating chocolate-flavored chicken that doesn't suck is surprising enough that you're apt to miss its other flaws. And there are other flaws.
And then there's the chocolate. It builds on itself, and not in a good way. The first three bites seem downright savory. But by the end of the meal, if you turn back to the chicken, the cloying sweetness reveals itself and you get the uneasy feeling of having consumed too many deep-fried chocolate bars at the state fair."
There's also a chocolate chicken sandwich.
"Would that this sandwich had made it onto the menu at Umami rather than being the basis for an entire restaurant. But there is one major defect: the bun, which is chocolate-flavored. At first you wonder, "Is this a wheat bun?" — because it looks like it, but it tastes like more of that not-quite-sweet, kind of caustic powdery chocolate that's imbued in almost everything here. It ruins the sandwich.
There are nonchocolate options available as sides, but you have to be careful because many of them are dusted with cocoa or served with cocoa dusting the plate, which you then smell and it turns everything back to chocolate.
And there are mashed potatoes with white chocolate in them. Again, this is a horrible idea that surprises you, simply because it's not as bad as it should be. The potatoes are whipped and buttered into a viscous paste, and they're so rich they hit all your base instinct pleasure receptors at once. But then, there it is: You're left with a faint aftertaste of white chocolate. Why? It's the worst thing about the potatoes, the thing that takes them from luxuriant overkill to slightly offensive misstep."
"But in what is perhaps the greatest atrocity to have stricken the human race since the turn of the century, Burger King removed Chicken Fries from their menu in 2012, instead focusing on their inferiorly flavored and formed chicken strips, which, one worker once assured me, "are just as good." Since the fateful day of their removal from the BK menu, I have eaten at Burger King a total of five times, and every time, essentially against my will.
"While we thought all those ingredients might combine into some fearsome, odd-tasting combination of flavors, we were overjoyed to find that it was delicious, all agreed, and no one got up to make a plate of bacon afterward.
“I wish this hadn’t taken me three hours to make because I would really like to eat it more often,” I probably said while making my way through my colossal third of the loaf.
“The sandwich was surprisingly delicious for something that seemed like an arbitrary list of individually delectable items,” Boss Meg notes. “I was surprised by how well the pomegranate syrup paired with arugula, onions, hummus, truffle oil, etc, because at face value it sounded questionable.”
"Bad Poetry and Purple Prose Tour: Other than drinking and brawling, the pioneers enjoyed nothing better than sappy love poetry. They both loved and dreadfully abused the English language, and on this tour you will visit these perpetrators of sentimental doggerel and overblown purple prose to read from their best forgotten “classics.”