He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding The Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

By Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.

This is the best relationship book I've read since this breakup one. Hey, just in time for Valentine's Day, let's review this!

I didn't know I was a commitmentphobic myself. Yeah, sure, I'm picky as hell, I don't date any more, and when I did my lady's imagination jumped from  admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.  I got labeled clingy when I dated. I'm super immature and hate signing a lease and I'd never buy a home and I'll probably never get a pet because I'm never home. But I had no idea I was that bad. Meanwhile, in recent months I've been hearing from an ex who after a while found me clingy and ran for it and then immediately started seeing someone else. At first he was all delighted to say things and then guess what happened and I am kicking the shit out of myself for falling for it like Lucy with a football. But I somehow had no idea it was that he was commitmentphobic either, just in the opposite (usual) way one does that! No wonder I was fine with him being out of town a lot and various other things, because it gave me my space! Except then he wanted too much space!

This book explains, in great detail, the two kinds of commitmentphobes and how they inevitably ruin their relationships. I'd say the authors have a special uh, focus on what they call the "active" ones, i.e. the ones who come on very strong and very romantic and then start to freak the hell out and either slowly or quickly bail on the relationship, only to do the same fucking thing over and over and over and over and over again every fucking time. There is a lot of very agonizing details and stories of people who are or dated actives and were horribly surprised when they bailed, or were bailed on, or are used to being the one who bails and then much to their surprise, got bailed on. It was long and excruciating to read after a while.  They think the "perfect" person will make them not want to run, but they will always want to run and ruin their relationships and damage everyone. They start complaining about everyone's faults, which they were fine with until they wanted to bail. They start saying their SO is "clingy" even though they encouraged "clingy" behavior. What made them love now made them hate, or something like that for all I can tell.

As for the folks like me, we go for folks like that, who are likely to bail or have something wrong and then we daydream incessantly and ignore reality. I hate me too, but I only damage myself, not every single person I ever dated. So at least there's that. And hey, no man's making me act like Little Miss Suzie Homemaker and force me to have a baby, amirite?

*sigh* I hate myself, you guys. And my therapist is in Mexico right now.

Around page 200 is where it gets really good and to the point and isn't so much about brokenhearted horror stories.
There's other signs these authors point out. Are you afraid to decorate your home or buy nice furniture or unpack? Is your whole life about avoiding adulthood? (Mine is. I look and act 12.) Are you afraid to get a pet? Yes. Are you afraid to make major purchases? Frequently! Hate to commit to signing the lease? Yes, yes. Are you a potential hoarder? Yup, though I haven't gotten that bad quite yet, it runs in the family too. Are you so bored with your work life that you want romantic drama to spice it up? The last couple of months, hell yes.

Where does all of this come from? Hard childhoods, of course! Did your parents fight? (mine did) Or divorce? (ex's did, in a weird way) Did you have to grow up too fast and now the last thing you want to do is be adult? Did you grow up too slow and you have no idea how to be an adult? (Me.)

The difference between the actives and the passives is that the passives are more aware of their wish to be in a committed relationship, and the actives are more aware of their fear. I'm in denial about my fear and they're in denial about wanting a relationship, I guess. Once reality hits, they run. In my case, I ignore the reality, or don't ignore it but don't realize it's an inevitable end, either.

The authors put it in all caps: I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I DON'T WANT THAT TO MEAN THAT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE UP MY YOUTHFUL WAYS.

"If a part of you still wants to be a kid, it's going to influence whom you choose as a partner and how you treat this person." If you date someone younger (or like me, an imposter) or who just isn't too well developed or growing up....YEAH, I SUCK. And that of course leads to fear of death!

The authors say to know your patterns: are you active or passive? At what point do you start running? What do you do when you jump in too fast? How do you lead people on? Do you have no boundaries or too many? It pretty much boils down to: You want a relationship to last? You have to fucking grow up, you immature moron (my phrasing).

The end has plenty of tips.

For the actives:

• Stop leading people on. Stop jumping into relationships whole hog. Stop getting involved with their families and especially kids. Don't talk like you actually want a long lasting relationship and lead them on. Don't call them all the time because eventually you're going to stop calling. Stop selling yourself as the perfect person from the getgo. Don't lead them to trust you. Don't push for commitment if you're going to bail.
• Keep a distance from the get go. Don't get close. Don't lead them on and then resent them for believing you. Do NOT talk about the future that you are inevitably going to bail on, especially if you can't deliver by the time next week hits.
• When you hit the inevitable panic point, it's because your SO has committed to you, which you asked for, and now you freaked out.
• "What you need to know at this point is that many of the actions you are contemplating will not help you resolve your conflict. Many of the things that are intended to create distance and give you "breathing" room will have the opposite effect." All you are going to do is freak out your SO and turn them crazy and needy, just like you never wanted. When you start taking away what you're giving, they'll want more and not less from you.
• Don't assume that just because you spend one Christmas together, that means all Christmasses for the rest of your life.
• If you can't keep promises, don't make the commitment.
• Stop creating unreasonable boundaries, like making whoopee every night but refusing to meet the family.
  Don't sabotage every holiday.
• Don't nitpick them and make them feel like shit so you have an excuse or twelve to leave.
• "You have no idea what your phone calls are doing to your partner."
• Withholding sex only makes the SO more insecure, which you hate even more.
• Don't cheat either.
• Don't ask for "more time" if you have no idea what you need to resolve your issues. If you claim that's what it is, they will believe you. "Don't say 'I'm just not ready,' if you think you never will be."
• Don't praise them for cooking dinner if it only makes you want to run harder.
• Don't take away everything you gave at the beginning.
• Don't talk about problems if you have no interest or intention of working on them. It's just your excuse to leave again. If you tell them your problems, they will try to solve them, and you really don't want them to solve them so you can fucking leave already.
• Don't force your SO to leave you.
• Don't give mixed messages if you really want to leave. Be honest and leave. Don't ghost.
• Go get therapy.
• Be honest: you just want to leave and you always want to leave no matter what or who.
• Figure out what you are running from and whether your behavior will accomplish what you want.
• "You need to think seriously about whether your behavior will accomplish what you want. You may think you're escaping from your partner, but you may actually be running away from your expectations, from your projections, from your fears, and from yourself. Maybe ending this relationship is the answer. But there is a chance that it's not. You need more information, and you need it immediately."
• Don't take any action right now, just sit with the feelings and try to figure out what happened and why (or you'll just do it all over again).
• "If you want to be with this person, you have to figure that out and work on it. If you want the relationship to be over, you have to come to terms with your loss and grieve it."
• If you suddenly change your mind and want them back, what have you done to back up those words? Just because right this second you're not afraid doesn't mean your fear won't come back in five minutes and then you dump them again.
• "The conflict doesn't go away just because you've gone away."

As for us passive types:

• Don't ignore the things you have reservations about, or that is obviously commitmentphobic.
• Stop fantasizing and hoping.
• If they're going to stick around, they will. Don't just jump in.
• Don't believe the commitmentphobics when they say anything, they only mean it for that moment and not for later. Don't trust their words.
• Get their romantic history and believe what you hear.
• Don't be easily won over.
• Keep your family out of it. Don't just quit a job or move in or act like he's the new stepdaddy.
• Stop trying to be perfect so he won't leave you. He'll leave you anyway. Or as the authors say, this is only appropriate in a long term relationship, not at the beginning, and an active is just going to find it clinging and smothering anyway so it does you no good.
• Don't be always available and waiting.
• Great sex means nothing about commitment.
• Don't give a commitment of any kind until you know it's mutual.
• Don't give more than you get.
• When your SO inevitably starts to freak, perchance to bail:
• Don't believe their excuses.
• Your major enemies are denial and fear of losing the relationship. You will lose the relationship once it happens anyway, I say.
• "If your relationship has progressed this far, you have to focus your energy on facing the facts and protecting yourself."
• Anything you do like worrying about him cheating or trying to be perfect won't work, it'll only flip him out more.
• "If your partner is giving less, it is not appropriate to give more. You need to pull back and reassess what is going on. Spend more time protecting yourself than you do in proving yourself."
• Don't accept their shitty abandoning behavior and eat shit and put up with it. (Just break up.)
• Don't try to prove you're worthy, it doesn't work. "Your partner's conflict has nothing to do with your value as a human being or a mate."
• "You have to construct a full life that provides an emotional safety net if this relationship doesn't work out."
• Maintain your own boundaries and work at building a life without this person."
• Start dating other people.
• Don't be brought down by their sudden nitpicking.
• You won't be rewarded by focusing on him. It only smothers him more.
• BACK AWAY, YOU WILL LOSE NO MATTER WHAT ANYWAY.
• Get therapy.
• Focus on your life without him in it.
• Don't focus on him, he's out the door anyway.
• Don't waste your time being jealous of whoever he cheats with, it doesn't matter.
• Stop being a stalker.
• Maintain your own boundaries.
• If he ever returns, he's just going to do this all over again unless a miracle happens and they never do he makes major changes.
• You shouldn't be the one trying to figure out what happened. Just save yourself.
• Your relationship isn't different and your ex isn't different. They are all the same.
• It's not your fault. I couldn't have saved the relationship by not being clingy (which as you've read on, he made me anyway, right?). It's not a question of you not being enough. NO matter what you did, it only made things worse.
• There is nothing you can do to help them. "Unless your partner wants a change and wants a miracle, nothing is going to change."
• Grieve the loss of the potential and the fantasy.
• "You probably already got the best this person had to offer." In the beginning they are giving everything and full throttle fantasy, which won't last. They know the first act was the best act, and that's why they sneak out the stage door at intermission.
• "If you have been the passive partner, you know in your heart that the other person hasn't truly left the relationship or stopped having feelings. .. This is true even if you never speak to each other. You know your ex partner still believes that the option to come back into your life at any time exists. You know that this other person wants you to be there waiting, making no demands."
• But you are getting nothing in return for your feelings. You need to reject it. "Commitmentphobic relationships don't end until the passive partner ends it."
• Real relationships end in stages after everyone's tried and you should feel as much of a sense of relief as you do loss. But relationships with actives don't end like that, they end because the active stops trying, suddenly. It's going cold turkey on an addictive drug.
• "This person doesn't want to let go either. This person is much too conflicted. Men and women such as this can go back and forth in their minds for years."
• "If someone has a severe commitment problem, you have no reason to believe that he or she will ever be able to interact with you in a way that isn't hurtful and destructive."
• "The active runners we interviewed consistently made it clear how deeply connected they were to their partners. If what they say is true,, then how can they walk away so easily? The explanation is surprisingly simple: Active runners can walk away because they are thoroughly confident that their partners will take them back should they have a change of heart. Essentially, active runners are not really committed to leaving. They have contingency plans. If they can't make it alone, they believe it will always be possible to return." '
• "Many say they had one foot near the door, if not out the door, from very early on. This may be hard for you to imagine since your partner shared so little of the struggle with you, but it's true. Why didn't your partner tell you? Because you'd think he/she was crazy. Because you'd think he/she was a creep. Because you'd leave. Because you'd be hurt. Because there is too much conflict."
• "It's hard for an active runner to become a good friend, even with the best of intentions. Beneath the desire for friendship is often a powerful and selfish need to maintain an entree into your psyche."
• "The only way your ex can deal with the conflict is to bury it. Your ex partner can't live with the two loud voices of conflict, so one of them has to be destroyed. The easiest way to turn off the voices and try to eradicate the conflict is to find someone new."

Well. This has been quite a few days of reading this.

Notes to self:

• If anyone wants space or shows the slightest signs of bailing, you bail first.
• Don't attach.
• Seriously do not speak to him again because he is always gonna pull this. He may love you, but not enough.
• As a commitmentphobe myself, I need to never, ever, ever, date again if I am not okay with being a grownup, which apparently I am not.
• Active commitmentphobes really shouldn't be dating ever. Or at least just start out relationships saying, "I'm only in for 3 months, six months, a year and then I'm bailing. Fair warning! I won't meet your parents and I won't marry you and I'm already ready to bail as we bang."
• I hate myself and humanity.

Five stars.