This book is written entirely in lists made by one guy, Dan Mayrock. Which is an innovative format, but I wasn't sure if it was going to work in a novel or what. I really enjoyed the excerpts I read online, but went to an actual bookstore to flip through it and see if it worked for me. In the end, I decided pretty quickly that the list format really did work for me, but your mileage may vary. I for one definitely got enough sense of other characters (albeit filtered through Dan's brief but frequent points of view) and what was going on IRL for the book to work.
Because all the other reviewers are writing their reviews in lists...and really, can you resist? No....
- Dan Mayrock is happily married to Jill, who he met while they were teaching and utterly adores. Jill is a billion times cooler than Dan can ever be. Dan is insecure as fuck and makes lists in lieu of journalling after a stint in therapy.
- Jill is a widow and was happily married to Peter, who died. Dan is extremely intimidated by the remains of Peter in their lives, feels bad that he got Jill because Peter died, hates that the guy's birthday was Christmas Eve and he's left letters to Jill to be read every Valentine's Day, etc. Dan does not always behave so well about Peter. We don't know how Jill feels about that, but I bet it's a lulu every time there's an outburst.
- Jill insists on having children, even though Dan doesn't actually want to because Dan has abandonment issues from his own dad running off. Dan has consented to have at least one kid even though he doesn't want to, and I don't consider it spoiling to say that Jill gets pregnant early on here.
- A year or so ago, Dan quit his teaching job, which he was not enjoying, to run a bookstore. The bookstore is not doing well, but Dan cannot bring himself to tell Jill about the financial trouble they are in, especially since Peter would never have had that problem. Dan also isn't too close to too many other people (his mom and brother are difficult) to even talk to.
- After taking up bingo and meeting one friend, Bill (who's crusty but cool), Dan gets the bright idea to rob a bingo parlor to solve his financial difficulties, an idea that looks better and better to him as things get worse and worse. Will he go through with it? Will he go to jail if he does? Will anything dawn on him to get him to realize this will only make things worse before it's too late?
Dan is a fun narrator even if you only read him in lists about errands, stuff he hates, stuff about Jill, notes on how to rob a bingo parlor, etc. He's judgmental of himself and others and brutally honest in his head (and apparently in public at times when he should not be), but he clearly adores Jill and will well, literally do anything for her even if it's not a good idea. Things are eventually worked out, I will say, so I was glad about that. One odd note though: much like "Ten Things I Hate About You," the end list is longer than advertised....?
The snark is delightful to read. I read that the author came up with the idea while bored and making up lists during work meetings, which I have now started trying to do. There's a lot of quotes, which I of course now have a list of:
- Much like me once upon a time, Dan tried Cosmo sex tips. Much like me once upon a time, Jill was not impressed. "Total number of useful sex tips in Jill's opinion: 0."
- Quote from Jill: "The size of gummy worms compared to the size of gummy bears makes me question the whole gummy universe."
- Dan hates his religious bigot employee Kimberly, but is too afraid of her to fire her. There's a list of "facts about Jesus that I told Kimberly to annoy her," followed by some of his laws of the universe: "Scripture is the basis of all religious belief. It is also the last thing in the world that will change a person's belief once that belief has been falsely cemented." and "There is an inverse correlation between a certainty of a person's religious belief and their actual knowledge of Scripture."
- "I feel like I've told Jill about every cool thing that I've ever done but she has barely scratched the surface with me."
- "I was married to Jill for almost six months before she told me that she was once a fire spinner at Burning Man, which is cooler than anything I've ever done in my entire life but was an afterthought for her."
- "Jill is cooler than I will ever be, which once thrilled me but now makes me feel so fucking insecure."
- "The luckiest people: People who were born wanting to be bankers, lawyers, actuaries, and surgeons." I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS.
- I love his 6 Rules of Drinking Stories, such as "If you have more than three excellent drinking stories from your entire life, you do not understand what constitutes an excellent drinking story."
- "Walk around with a Diet Coke and half a dozen assholes will tell you how bad it is for you. Walk around with diet root beer and no one says a word."
- The "thoughts on today's fucking baptism" list is also priceless, I'll just leave you with one line: "Asking your wife about a penis cake at any time is probably not a good idea."
- "Life would be so much easier if I hadn't married Jill, but life would be so much harder if I hadn't married Jill." Awwwwwwwwww.
- "Everyone complains about preservatives and food until the apocalypse, and then they'll all be on their knees thanking the food industry for canned cream corn and Twizzlers." (I watched The Last Man On Earth, true.)
- Advice from Dan's brother Jake: "Here's the thing: When you're a kid, you dream about your dream job because you can't see anything else. But then you find your dream girl, and the job isn't so important any more. Not even close. It's just the thing that lets you get back to your dream girl. Then you have a kid and forget it. You just want to get home to those two people."
- "When your baby is screaming in a restaurant, that is why they invented "outside the restaurant."
- "Why does Carly Rae Jepsen think it's crazy that a girl might give a guy her phone number after just meeting him? Isn't that how dating works?"
- "I don't want to be just another ordinary person in an ordinary life." I HEAR YA, SIR.
- "I used to want to be something for me, but now I want to be something for her even more."
- Quote from Jill: "I'm starting to feel the same way about meetings that you do. Then I remember we met in one of those fuckers, and all is forgiven. Mostly."
- "Let's start off with an icebreaker" are words no human being has ever wanted to hear."
- Quote from Bill: "Are you writing a book? Or the longest fucking grocery list in the history of the world?"
- From Bill's list on "What You Need To Understand About Your Wife:" "Her heart is big enough to keep loving her dead husband and love you, too," and "It's hard to love again. Don't forget that. She married you, so she must really fucking love you."
- "The octopus is far more impressive than I will ever be. No matter what I do in this world, I'm a human being with thumbs and a giant brain and the collected knowledge of centuries of human existence in my pocket. Given my advantages, nothing I do will ever be as amazing as an octopus opening a childproof pill bottle."
- "Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else's brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party."
- "I was an average teacher. Maybe an average husband. A bad bookstore owner. A jealous brother. The worst son. Maybe this is a thing I can do well."
- Dan on the name John: "When you care enough to slap the most ordinary name of all time on your child." I TOTALLY AGREE.
- Dan as he sadly listens to "Code Monkey:" "Someday, somehow" are wishful thoughts that invariably lead to disaster."
Anyway, this one worked for me and I really enjoyed reading it. Four stars.
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