Speed-Reading Book Nerd Reviews

Just Jackie: Her Private Years

By Edward Klein.

This is a very odd, fairly juicy, a bit tacky/gross biography of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, starting after her first husband's death. It shares some details that are just straight up TMI at times and I really wonder how the heck he knew these things, because Jackie doesn't quite seem like the type to dish that level of detail? Hmmmmmmmm. I'm talking sex, periods (guess what other blood she was covered in after her husband got shot in the head), penises, etc. Oy. I know this came out after her death, but that kinda makes me glad that she didn't know that was all outed. Blech. I felt dirty in the bad way.

Other moments:

• Someone brings in a priest for her to confess too after her first husband's death: "What am I supposed to confess, Father? That I neglected to watch the calendar and ate meat some Friday three months ago?"
• There's explanation of the whole "Camelot" thing, which it sounds like Jackie made up more than being a thing Jack was into, per se.
• Black Jack Bouvier used to tell his kid which of her friends' mothers he'd slept with. Class-ay.
• Jackie's miscarriages might have been caused by all the antibiotics Jack was on for chlamydia. 
• "It was a huge mistake for Harding to lecture Jackie Kennedy about history."
• Jackie: "Anybody who is against me will look like a rat unless I run off with Eddie Fisher."

Reasons why Aristotle Onassis was horrible:

• Used to date her sister. A quote from her sister: "Ari has showered Jackie with so many presents, I can't stand it. All I've got is three dinky little bracelets that Caroline wouldn't even wear to her own birthday party." 
• To quote Jack Kennedy: "Onassis is an international pirate." He did not want her to tour around on his yacht while he was still alive.
• Was making moves on Jackie RIGHT after her husband died. 
• Liked to describe, in great detail, of how he had sex with other women.
• I'm not even repeating all the butt stuff.
• Girlfriend beater. 
• Married a 17-year-old when he was 40. 
• He liked to burn his first with with his cigar. "Every Greek, and there are no exceptions, beats his wife. It is good for them. It keeps them in line."
• A quote from Maria Callas's friend: "Of course he loves you. That's why he yells and abuses you and puts you down. If he didn't love you he would just ignore you and be totally indifferent to you."

THIS IS NOT HOW LOVE SHOULD WORK.

• How Jackie announces her engagement to Ari to Bobby Kennedy: "I've agreed to marry Ari. In principle." Whaaaaaaat?
• So many people got invited to the wedding that Ari's own kids didn't have a bedroom, anywhere to sleep, and asked to sleep with the ship's captain. 
• "There was no kiss to mark the end of the ceremony. Not even a smile, or a clasping of hands."
• We're told that someone did walk in and find them having sex on the plane. Ewwww.
• Quote from Ari: "She's got to learn to reconcile herself to being Mrs. Aristotle Onassis, because the only place she'll find sympathy from now on is in the dictionary between shit and syphilis."
• "During the first year of their marriage, the couple spent a total of 225 days together and 140 days apart. Their record of togetherness in the second year was even more dismal."
• I'll say this for their relationship: at one point Jackie learned CPR in case Ari had a heart attack. Ari: "People say Jackie and I don't get along. But how does a wife who is not getting along with her husband take lessons on how to save him from a heart attack? No! She doesn't. She gives him a heart attack. And then she collect his money." 
• Ari's ex-wife Tina married her ah....former brother-in-law who "was widely suspected of having murdered his previous wife, Tina's own sister." Ewwwwwwww. Of course the guy's also a business rival of Ari's. These people.

I couldn't wait for Ari to die, y'all.

Other moments:

• There's not much on Jackie's longterm relationship with Maurice Templesman in this (I swear, even her more casual boyfriends get talked about more), but guess what, he was married. "It is simply part of Maurice's nature to run after women."
• Quote from Jackie: "I don't see why American girls don't just carry bunches of asparagus at their weddings."
• When she was dying, the last time she went out to Le Cirque, she finally ordered all the desserts and actually ate them. 

I guess four stars for honesty (quite a lot of it) and frankness, even if I felt a little oogy at times reading it. 

The Assassins of Thasalon

By Lois McMaster Bujold.

Previous book here.

The book kicks off with someone trying to assassinate Adelis (in case you didn't guess from the title), but in an unusual way--with a chaos demon. Penric fends the attempt off and finds out that the assassin, Alixtra, has been forced into the role after her child's been kidnapped. An evil sorcerer in Thasalon and the evil minister who had Adelis blinded set up a scheme to implant her with animal-demons and use them to murder--if you use a demon to murder someone, it's removed from you. But when a saint is called in to remove Alixtra's latest demon, the Bastard, being a god of good judgment, is all "Let her keep it!" 

So Penric, Alixtra, and Iroki the saint head off to Thasalon to deal with Tronio, the evil sorcerer. Someone's already dealt with evil Minister Methari (heh heh heh) for them, but when Lady Tanar's dedicated servant Bosha is arrested for the crime, they have to get him out of there, and of course track down the bad guy.

Overall I enjoyed this one. The whole Alixtra plot is interesting, and I enjoyed finally getting some resolution/reunion between Adelis and Tanar. The Bastard's not in it much, but when he briefly is, it's great. I liked having a longer story in this world as well. Four stars. 

Theodore Roosevelt: A Strenuous Life

By Kathleen Dalton.

Exactly what it sounds like, biography of.

Notable points:

• He won a "greatest man in the United States" poll in 1913.
• The author notes that he "left a selective record of himself" and left out his more vulnerable moments in his autobiography, and he tended to be in denial of bad things.
• "He began, and they perpetrated, too, the myth that by force of will he cured himself of asthma." He didn't.
• Theodore's mother was, well, a Southerner who was into slavery and would tell stories about her family's slaves--bad ones. She told the kids these stories and they HATED them. Theodore literally prayed for the Union Army in front of his mother.
• Theodore's dad "demanded that the boy cast off his invalidism by force of will" and told him that being sick was a shame and a sin. 
• Theodore's little brother Elliott (Eleanor's dad) sounds pretty jerky from the getgo. At one point Elliott pitched romantic woo to Theodore's future second wife Edith, but Edith wasn't interested. 
• "He concentrated so hard that he did not notice when his boots caught on fire. While the other Harvard boys drank together, Roosevelt prepared papers on the gifts of crustaceans to be delivered at the Natural History Society."
• Repeatedly, he's described as a "prig" and "Victorian" in his beliefs, and thought he should be a moral guardian. 
• Theodore's true love was his childhood bestie/sweetheart, Edith Carow. Unfortunately, in their youth they had some kind of bad fight nobody knows the details of, and they split up for years on end. During which he fell in love with and married Alice Lee, who only lasted a few years before dying after giving birth to Alice Jr.
• After finally reuniting with Edith, he proposed (again) after six weeks.
• Theodore, in some respects, was all for the equality of women (votes, inheritance, going to law school, possibly military service, and even not forcing a woman to change her name upon marriage). On the other hand, he wanted people to "breed freely" (shocker, I know), was anti-childlessness, pretty much wanted women in the home. And once punched a guy for bringing up wanting to boink friends' wives. 
• After being orphaned, poor Eleanor had to live with her grandmother and uncles--"whose drunkenness required Eleanor to keep three locks on her bedroom door." Good god.
• Theodore wished he had been wounded in war "in some striking and disfiguring way." 
• Theodore on race: on the one hand, he supported African-Americans to prominent jobs, was anti-segregation, invited Booker T. Washington to dinner and caused a scandal about it.  On the other hand, thought whites were superior. He's dubbed a "racialist" rather than racist. 
• "I was rather proud of myself that in all my speeches I did not say anything I had to take back."
• How do you fit six kids and two parents into four White House bedrooms?
• "No other president practice jiujitsu on his son on the White House rug." Or had the pet kangaroo rat hopping across the dining room table. Or walked around on stilts through the gardens. 
• He tried to simplify spelling, getting rid of British spellings (appropriate), but also making it more phonetic. This did not go well. 
• "Alice had buried a voodoo doll in the White House garden to jinx the Tafts." 
• He said "I" so much in his public speeches that the New York World kept track--563,077,202. "I can't even say 'My Country Tis of  Thee' without being accused of egotism." 
• Alice was in favor of her dad running for president on the Bull Moose ticket, but her husband supported Taft. Awkward!
• "Doctors in the crowd were horrified that a bleeding man would endanger his life for an insignificant speech, but no one dared stop him.....Seeing this as a chance to talk "without having his sincerity questioned," he said "this is my big chance, and I am going to make that speech if I die during it."
• "She could not count on him to control his eating, talking, or risk-taking."
• From his book on going through the Brazilian wilderness: "He did not mention his despair, his heart trouble, the threat of erysipelas, the fistula, the possibility of suicide, his inability to walk, being carried by the camaradas, his delirium, or his nearness to death." What he did say: "I remained in good shape until we had passed the last rapids of the chasms." 

Four starts, very comprehensive and honest about his flaws and what he covered up, as well as his adventures. 

The Physicians of Vilnoc

By Lois McMaster Bujold.

Previous book here.

It's a year or so later, Penric has a baby, and oh yeah, there's a plague in town that his brother-in-law calls him in to deal with. Nobody knows how anyone's coming down with 'bruising fever," the main doctor in town just died, and Penric's forced to practice his medical skills, daily, like it or not, with few resources at his disposal. 

That's essentially the plot--the fear, the stress, the constant slaughter of animals to fuel "uphill" magic, which Pen's not even sure is working, and it's stressful as hell. Especially reading it during a pandemic, which partly made me go "You felt like writing THIS in 2020?" and yet, well, 2020. I did, however, appreciate the inventiveness of how the solution (hey, at least there WAS one) came about, and how the Bastard is subtle yet not, and how Penric's offscreen befriending of a Romani-equivalent pregnant girl that's not even IN the plot ties into things. So, in all, a good read. Four stars. 

The Orphans of Raspay

By Lois McMaster Bujold.

Previous book here. 

It's a few years since the last book, Penric got married to Nikys off-camera*, he was on a boat, and got captured by pirates. He also ends up befriending two orphan/bastard Jokonian girls (Lencia and Seuka), who thankfully were raised by a secret Quintarian mom so they're not totally freaked at Penric turning out to be a sorcerer. Penric has quite a challenge getting out of being sold into slavery, preventing himself and the girls from being sold into sex slavery, trying to get out, trying to get a boat, setting fires.... Penric finds himself cussing a lot in this book, and Des has some fun with fires. It's a rollicking ride and Penric finds himself dedicating his day to the Bastard again.

• I do wonder what is with the choices that the author makes to tell some scenes from Penric's life and then skips things like his medical career or his getting married.

I did enjoy that when Penric's brother-in-law comes to the rescue, he mentions someone paying a lot of money..."that's what they're paying us to not leave you here." HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH. I'm also amused that Pen sealed up a chest at the beginning of the book and throws it overboard, hoping it somehow makes its way back to him, but it somehow makes it to his wife. And how he hits it off with the girls, who Des likes. Even Adelis wonders if the girls are god-touched given their varying luck and finding Penric. It's an adventurous, sweet story. Four stars. 

The Prisoner of Limnos

By Lois McMaster Bujold:

Previous book here.

In the continuing tale of "Penric Meets A Lady," Nikys's mother gets kidnapped and stuck into an island prison, which she's warned about by Lady Tamar, a onetime possible wife for Nikys's brother Adelis. (I'll note that Tamar seems fond enough of Adelis and it might happen even though it's been a few years, he nearly got blinded and has new employment, but also has feelings for Bosha, the family eunuch/servant she's known since childhood. It's mutual. Good luck with that one.) Anyway, Nikys of course asks Penric for help, and they go to Lady Tamar's and come up with a rescue plan that involves Penric in drag again (no, not as Mira....) and substituting himself for Nikys' mom in the prison cell,  and then uh, winging it once he's caught, I guess. He didn't plan that part out so much, but it turns out that Nikys has an older half-brother Ikos who's an engineer who comes up with a rescue plan involving ah, interesting technology that freaks Desdemona out.

Anyway, what's cool about this? Lady Tamar, her mother Xarre, and Bosha. They're nice, rich, kind and smart people. I'd like to see more of them, please. There was one snarky comment about how Tamar could brew poisons and Bosha (very dedicated to keeping the family safe, has poisoned knives everywhere) could murder the customers and they'd be quite happy, hahahah. Not sure how that would go if she marries Adelis, but I think overall nobody would mind too much? You kind of root for it just to keep them in the family. 

I'm not sure what to make of Ikos, but he was certainly handy here. I did like Idrene (Nikys's mom) and her enlightened attitudes. 

And I will note that people point out that Penric is unusual, and smart, and hot, and why don't you get together with him again? Nikys still feels a little weird about well, literally never being left alone with Penric and how she's supposed to relate to Desdemona--another wife? older sister? Whatever you like, Des says. In the end, it sounds like they'll work that out.

Overall, it was very sweet. Four stars. 

The Queen and Di: The Untold Story

By Ingrid Seward. 

Wow, this one is very vicious and anti-Diana. Some royal writers clearly show their bias and hoo boy, this one does it. It theoretically is supposed to be a double hander, but in reality it's "the Queen was supportive, Diana was a mentally ill tantrum thrower." God knows Diana's a complicated figure and it's probably hard to balance out the positive and negative on some levels, but this one is almost entirely negative. We're told Diana had a "disturbing personality change" within a few days of moving in and she had "time on her hands and no interests or ideas to fill it with," and then a paragraph later mentions that she swam and danced. Uh, those are interests? "She simply mooched around, bored and increasingly irritable." She was "a most unwilling pupil" to anyone trying to show her the ropes. She liked to hang out with the kitchen staff.  We're told that Prince Philip refused to train his children to be royal. Then uh....how does anyone learn? Speaking of Balmoral tests and whatnot, nobody told Diana that the royals only buy each other cheap crap for Christmas, so she bought people nice gifts. THE HORROR!!!!! 

Quote from Prince Charles on women: "My constant battle is to escape." Uh-HUH. Diana tried to cuddle with him one night and that's all he would do. On the honeymoon, all he wanted to do was fish and read. The author says that "love is not part of the royal vocabulary." Charles is cited as literally sleeping with his teddy bear. 

For all the various stuff I feel like I've heard over the years about how the royals aren't into therapy, this book claims that a legion of therapists were called in for Diana and that she (according to Ingrid reading the DSM) had borderline personality disorder. I don't feel like I've ever heard that one officially before, nor is it really cited by any medical professional, which clearly the author isn't. HMMMMMMMMM. 

Oh, btw, regarding the "Fagan breaks into the castle" incident, he never got to talk to her at all. So much for fiction. 

God forbid that Diana become more popular than Charles. There's an incident where they had some horrible fight and Diana didn't want to go to the event, so Charles claims she wasn't feeling well, except Diana sucked it up and came in 15 minutes late. How dare she! There's snark about how Diana had to fetch her own Kleenex box. How dare Diana want attention from anyone, especially her husband, and to be so open and crying about it. We're told that Diana started trying to show up the Queen at every possible opportunity by getting a new hairdo or whatever. 

Supposed quote from the Queen: she likes a good gossip, but not if it's about her own family. 

Andrew and Fergie: Andrew is dull but dated interesting girls. Nobody cared that Fergie had "a past" five years after they cared about whether or not Diana was a virgin. "She was a mature woman of experience who knew her own mind and wouldn't be crushed by the Palace system. Or so the thinking went." We're told that Diana fixed up Andrew and Fergie. 

Fun quote from some random nanny: "Those boys are going to need a lot of help if they are not going to end up as barking mad as their mum and dad." 

There's tons of incidents in which either Charles, Diana, or both were well, complete tantruming brats. Charles wastes 'batteries of eggs'' (batteries?!) because he demands a soft boiled egg at all times or something. Diana changes her mind on what she wants to eat. Charles would drive away leaving his wife crying in public. Gifts were thrown into an incinerator. 

We're told that the Queen can handle everybody--a revolving door of prime ministers, state leaders, whatever...but the one person she could never handle was Diana. "The queen was petrified of Diana" because of her popularity. She supposedly said "You take in two girls from broken homes and look how they repay you.' Supposedly the Queen 'shielded" Diana from others' rage, listened to her cry, listened to her lie...but the Panorama interview ended all the uh, "sympathy." 

I'll note that the author seems to have had at least one interview/talk with Diana right before her death, saying that Diana claims that she and Charles did love each other. Hm. 

The author covers Diana and her stepmother Raine on \well, both good points and bad. Raine being thrown out of her own (not even getting to keep the luggage) after Dad died, vs. Diana actually taking steps to make up with her later. That's a surprise. 

I dunno....I felt pretty icky reading this, overall. Nobody's a winner in this one and everyone comes off as awful. Overall it gave me a mean and trashy vibe. My mom saw the book in my "to be reviewed" pile and asked if it was good and I said I would not recommend it. Two stars. 

Capture the Crown

By Jennifer Estep.

Previous book here.

This book takes place in the same world as the Crown of Shards trilogy, except in different countries and 16 years later. Gemma, the Andvari princess that survived the original massacre, is the narrator now, and she's all grown up now. In public she comes off as "Princess Glitzma" and all bimbo-socialite, but in reality she's a spy who's trained in mining(!) and jewelrymaking (okay, that one makes more sense) for that sort of thing. She's currently working in a mine trying to investigate tearstone thievery, when she runs into Leo, the Mortan prince from the last book. He's also all grown up and so far has managed to survive. Gemma remembers him being involved in her brief capture post-massacre (of course it's in a way when he was trying to save her, got caught and then turned her over) and is snitty, but at the same time super attracted to him and can't explain why she reaches out to save his life. He saves hers in turn, and ends up taking her home to the Mortan palace to get healed. Gemma can't resist continuing to spy there, though you may reasonably wonder how a noble from another country would be totally incognito there with nothing but a slight dye job.

I really enjoy the characters in this one. Gemma has different skills going on, but is still a badass. She and Leo have such chemistry, it's really hot. Gemma befriends another spy from another country, who is also badass. I loved Leo's sister Delmira, a total sweetheart (how is she a sweetheart in Morta?!) with mysterious powers that seem weak, but connect to plants. I enjoyed how Gemma and Leo's respective "pets" also form an accord. Maeven is suspiciously intriguing in this book and you really wonder what's going on with her and if she's as awful as she's been in the past. And the palace is covered in liladorn, which is a sentient and benevolent plant that I loved. More liladorn, please. I'd love to take some home and plant it. 

Anyway, this is a great rip-roaring start to a new trilogy! Four and a half stars. 

 

Mira's Last Dance

By Lois McMaster Bujold.

Previous book here.

In the direct sequel to Penric's Mission, Penric and his on-the-run charges are still trying to flee the country and find new employment for the general. This gets entirely interesting when the idea comes up that Penric allow the personality of one of Desdemona's previous riders, Mira, to run the show as a disguise. Penric is already a blonde pretty boy as is, so it's pretty easy to doll him up as a hottie foreign female courtesan traveling with her entourage. Mira seems to be having a pretty good time of it as well. And we'll all wonder how the heck Penric/Mira managed to give a guy a good enough time without touching him/getting caught enough to bring on a marriage proposal, hubba hubba!

This, however, gives Nikys some pause, in the "what the heck am I DEALING WITH with this guy?!" sort of way. Who's the real Penric? How do you deal with him and all of his in-house lady friends? So by the end when Penric tries proposing (eventual, I guess?) marriage to her, she isn't interested in getting involved with someone who presumably has more adventure going on in his life than she'd like in hers. Poor Penric.

I'm not sure if I root for this as a relationship or not? Nikys is a nice girl and all, but I dunno if I think she and Penric are exactly MFEO either. 

But overall, the plot of this one is quite intriguing and fun, so four stars. 

Penric's Mission

By Lois McMaster Bujold.

Previous book here. 

Now here's where it gets good.

So far this series has been pleasant enough, but not particularly gripping. (You'll note that as a speed reader, I'm kind of slowly getting around to reading the series.) Nothing I wouldn't not recommend, but it hasn't been particularly addictive.

Well, HERE WE GOT PLOT, Y'ALL. 

Penric's been recruited to go in disguise to deliver an honest response to a fake letter--yeah, this confuses me too, it's a job offer thing--in another nation. This goes terribly wrong, as he's captured right off the bat, thrown in a hole, and oh yeah, he ends up having to trepan himself so as to not die. GOOD GOD. Penric was supposed to be helping this poor general (Arisaydia, nicknamed Adelis by his sister) who's being framed, but he's too busy being down a hole and trying to not die for awhile. Meanwhile, the poor general's taken prisoner and finally released....after they poured boiling vinegar in his eyes to blind him. OUCH.

By the time Penric finally saves himself--they try to drown him and he basically makes a giant ice cube to float out, hahahah-- he ends up offering his medical services to the general, and realizing that he could actually work on saving the guy's sight with his medical skills. So he ends up caring for and then going on the run with the general and his sister, NIkys, who he's' attracted to. Penric's attempting to recruit the general to go work for the duke he's currently "working"(?) for as a way of getting out of this country that's betrayed him, but the general would rather go elsewhere. The situation's not resolved by the end of this book, so we'll see where they go. Literally.

Good moments in this:

• Penric's prayer to the Bastard after a real shitty day: "Master of all disasters out of season, I lay this day as an offering upon your altar. If it please you, take it from me." Hah. 
• Adelis and Nikys are half-siblings and honorary twins--A's parents couldn't conceive, so they got a concubine and somehow both ladies got knocked up and delivered on the same day. It sounds like it was a happy polyamorous relationship for all parents, which sounds very sweet.
• Desdemona being all" Awwww, what a cute little demon!" when another sorcerer is recruited to go after Penric and the demon is a complete newbie. I mean this literally. 
• Penric gets attacked by the other sorcerer and after scolding him for what he's done, insists on giving the guy's demon a name. Har. 
• Penric finally explains what happened when he was a working medical professional--they saved all the hard cases for him, he had several deaths a week, and he was literally suicidal over the job, which is awkward when you have a demon who needs you not to do that. OUCH. 

Anyway, I feel like this book really rather leveled up for this series? More interesting consequences and stakes and real life scary stuff going on, hoo boy. So, four and a half stars.