By Julie Murphy and Sierra Simone.
This kind of perverse book is right up my alley: combine wholesome Hallmark-esque Christmas movies with P0RN P0RN P0RN (note: link not to actual p0rn whatsoever, this song just came to mind.). Nope, seriously, that's the plot. Teddy Ray Fletcher runs both Uncle Ray-Ray's p0rn movie company AND to keep up with his children's expenses, has a much more clean quickie film company to boot, and he's just booked his first Hopeflix film, "Duke The Halls," which even films in a Christmas Town that's so booked that they are making this movie literally during December*. But when several of Teddy's "clean" staff are taken out by a tusk accident and his leading lady gets ill thanks to some Burning Man-ish "Unfestival," he needs to quickly sub in with people he knows working in the p0rn industry. And his p0rn star client, "Bianca von Honey" (a.k.a. Bee Holmes) is somehow tapped to replace the leading lady even though she's a total unknown in the regular world, and is plus sized to boot (I'm surprised no commentary was made about having to really redo costumes at the last minute).
* I note usually these things are filmed in summer, but...y'know, plot wankery. I also note that this squeaky clean town has a strip club that everyone is also visiting.
"Bianca" apparently does movies but seems to be known more for her "ClosedDoors" account. Bee is a happy p0rn star and secure in her job and abilities, but would certainly like to try acting with her clothes on for a change, something she never got to do much before the p0rn due to well, you know how life and human judgment go. It's quite nice how healthy the whole p0rn aspect is treated here, that Teddy's a reasonable employer, Bee likes her job and is out to her moms, etc. (even if boyfriends may not want her to be out so much). Somehow both Teddy and Bee assume that this sort of thing won't be noticed because those two areas of the world do not combine into a Venn diagram. To which I am all, hello, Internet? I'm thinking much the same things I was when I saw the fairly bad "#xmas" movie on Hallmark this year and I was thinking, "SOMEBODY'S GONNA NOTICE THAT A WOMAN WHO'S BEEN SINGLE IRL AND ONLINE FOR YEARS SUDDENLY HAS A HUSBAND AND BABY." (At the very least, her mother wondered.) But really, you know just picking up this book that This Will Come Out, so....I will note that the costume designer should probably stash his assless chaps for this film?
Bee's costar is Nolan Shaw/Kowalczk, the former bad boy of the boy band INK, whose career took a turn when he was caught with a sick Olympic skater and two speed skaters. Now Nolan lives in the Midwest trying to take care of his teen sister and his bipolar mother, who's having some medication issues right now. Nolan needs to clean up his act and get some money right now, hence this movie. But obviously he recognizes Bianca von Honey, his favorite ClosedDoors star, when she shows up on set.
Many years ago I read a book called "The Boyfriend School" by Sarah Bird, which is about a photographer named Gretchen who gets tapped to cover a "Luvboree" romance writers' conference and makes friends with two of the writers. The conference has someone advertising for a new line of romance novels that break out of the box, and Gretchen is all, "Cool, I'll name my heroine Hattie and have her bang the hero in the first chapter!" and her friends have to point out to her that you can't have people just bang right away, you need some antici......pation. This book is written Gretchen-style in that despite the fact that both our hero and heroine have been told they NEED TO NOT BE FUCKING ANYONE FOR TWO WEEKS, are fucking within 24 hours. This certainly fits both of their characters, who are horndogs, but ....y'know, I could have used some anticipation? There is LOTS OF SEXIN IN THIS ONE, just so you're aware. Anyway, they quickly get into a secret relationship and all is going well, until the inevitable tabloid reporter who ruined Nolan's life returns, someone else has a sex tape come out, Nolan's mom has some medical issues, etc., etc.
I did kind of get annoyed at Nolan's agent telling him that he can't be seen as a problem child because he always has his phone on/nearby on set and actually takes his sister's panicked emergency calls--geez, really?! I note that the actual filmmakers turned out to be fine with that, though. Nolan's mom is treated with kindness and respect even if she's mostly offscreen for this, and you feel for the family trying to deal with thousand dollar med bills unexpectedly and shit like that. I also liked Nolan's erstwhile bandmates, who look like they may get sequels in the future (one of 'em, at least, according to Amazon).
Anyway: overall this is filled with pretty nice characters (except the tabloid guy), people who are fine with p0rn, Bee and Nolan clearly enjoy each other, and it all works out in the end, possibly a bit implausibly given the whole "Hope Channel" thing. I definitely think people would be clamoring to see the movie, at the very least... I do kind of concur with this review re: Bee's job at the end. I did enjoy the sense of humor in these books, what with horses being named 100% That Horse and Whitneigh Houston, and all of the silly lines here and there that fit this plot.
- "Not everyone gets caught in a hotel room with the sweetheart of American figure skating, along with two Dutch speed skaters and a minitrampoline."
- "This morning we were filming the scene where Felicity said a tearful goodbye to the duke in the gazebo at the center of town, after accompanying him to his Christmas ball the night before, only to decide she had to return to modern times to apologize to her sister for stealing their deceased mother's gingerbread recipe."
- "I love making people happy and nothing brings more joy than Christmas and titties."
- "Duke the Halls was being produced by the same person who'd made Trapped on Co-Ed Island 17 and Spider-Peen: Homecoming."
Overall, I was amused, and that is what I was going for. I dunno if I was madly in love, but overall I got a kick out of it. I appreciate that this exists and amused me, even if I may not have been whoppingly in love. Three and a half stars.
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