Chaos Theory

Fun with dumpsters

A lovely conversion.

Predict the last straw

"The way I figure it, following swine flu, it takes only one more national crisis out of left field before we enter the realm of farce and Obama is captured on camera shouting, "Oh, come on!" Within a matter of weeks afterward, there will be only a few thousand humans living on earth, wandering the post-apocalyptic landscape with their mangy dogs, scavenging parts and fuel wherever they can find them to keep their hastily-welded armored cars running.

What do you figure is going to follow on the heels of swine flu and end civilization as we know it?"

Another Little Fluffy Wiggletoes story

"Now what do you do, children, if nobody likes what you're doing and everyone thinks you're wrong? That's right, you do it anyway, but you do it louder and with more violently."

Kobold alert

This is a good idea.

Is this a good idea or not?

"Instead, I'm going to use a substitution for the word. From now on, instead of saying "retard" or "that's so retarded," I'm going to say "leotard" and "that's so leotarded." I won't be mocking the mentally challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the strong—and the limber—and not the weak."

Hollywood's worst kept secret? Really?

'Cause really, I haven't ever heard of this one.

"(Well maybe, but statistically speaking you probably don't so chill out and eat some bacon)"

Public phone calls with Gene Weingarten

Today's chat gets amusing (Washington Post):

"But the woman instantly managed to completely defeminize herself by pulling out a cell phone and spending the entire hour we sat together making a series of thunderously banal phone calls, at deafeningly high volume to no one in particular about nothing at all. I transcribed this as she was talking and am cutting and pasting here from my notes.
"Yeah, put the potatoes in the oven and you can fry some mushrooms if you want. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like lasagna too but not tonight. "
"You see "24"? What I wanna know is who the secret people the redheaded girl are talking to on the computer? And how about Jack telling off the other grumpyface girl."
"I don't have much going on, just wanit to say hi! (pause) Yeah, on a train. (pause) Nothin.' (Pause) No nothin' much. (pause) Nope, nothin; (pause) Nope, nothin'. Nothin. Okay, seeya. "
"The Sixers game is on tonight! Been gettin' into it now that they are in the playoffs. I don't get into it usually. (pause) Nope, nothin'. "

You know what? I demand high quality in a conversation that I am eavesdropping on. This woman was an idiot. It bothered me."

"Not the Train B, UT: On a metrobus not too long ago I heard a young lady talking on a cellphone. I mention it now because of what, specifically, I overheard.
"Yeah, I'm on the bus. No, it's OK, I don't know any these people so I don't care what they think."
She was at least 6 rows away from me."

"Gene Weingarten: Actually that's pretty good comedy. She knew what she was doing."

"Smell Pho, NE: I was attending a convention at the Javits Center. I visit the men's room to take care of business. I hear a guy's cell phone ring in one of the stalls. In the loudest New York-accented voice imaginable, I hear, "Hey! Nah! I'm taking a sh-t at the Javits Center!"

"Gene Weingarten: Also designed for comic effect. I like it."

"Phone Calls: A friend and I have a game we play when we're bored and in public. We call each other and try to have a conversation that will mildly alarm any eavesdroppers. The key is to make it believable (no one is going to believe you're actually a spy or a hit man discussing your most recent "job" in an airport terminal). The phrase "the doctor said I'd be contagious for 48 hours" is great, especially if you never specify WHEN the doctor said that. Also successful: "The luggage scanners only detect live pets through body heat, so anything cold-blooded will probably get through okay as long as he doesn't move around too much."

"Logan Circle: The last time I rode the train, the young woman across the aisle from me spent two hours calling everyone she knew to discuss the boob job she had just had in NJ. She really felt like a woman now. Her breasts were riding a little high but would settle down in a couple of weeks. They were tender. She couldn't lift her arms above her head. And so on. I learned a lot about breasts."

"Jefferson City, Mo.: "We call each other and try to have a conversation that will mildly alarm any eavesdroppers."
This reminds me of an Amy and David Sedaris story. He's considered the "funny" one in the family but it's Amy who's the hoot.
As the story goes, they're in NYC on the subway. She's getting off at a stop before him. She gets up to leave, gets to the door, then calls back to him "hope you beat that rape charge."
Actually, she related that here in an "online discussion."

"Washington, DC: Last night, at the Whole Foods, a woman wearing a mask was blocking my access to the entire soup section. I waited patiently for about a minute, before politely saying "excuse me." No response. Suddenly, I developed the scariest hacking, rattling cough in the history of humankind. That got her out of there. Of course, now I'm going to get swine flu as punishment for feeding into her paranoia."

Reasons

"The human mind is wired to accept ridiculous reasons as if they are legitimate. Studies have shown that people are more likely to agree to a favor if the word "because" is used in the request. It doesn't seem to matter what follows that word. As long as the sentence is in the form of a reason, people accept it as though some actual reason is present."

Bwah.

"My mom just announced that Mother's Day is cancelled. She's convinced that if we go out to brunch, an immigrant busboy will cough on her and then she'll immediately die of swine flu.
She will, however, be attending church that morning, where she'll eat bread out of someone else's hand and drink wine out of a communal cup.
I sure hope Jesus hasn't visited Mexico recently."

"A spy informs me that one firm is already telling its employees to avoid shaking hands as a way to lower the risks of swine flu. I can see this sort of policy catching on. My informant wonders what sort of greeting should replace the handshake. I'm on it."

"I've decided to call whatever is making me ill the Bunny Flu, because that almost sounds like something kind of cute and fun, doesn't it?"