Chaos Theory

"My obsession did, however, make me a hit with friends’ older sisters, whom I’d take aside during play dates and birthday parties for rollicking, barb-filled debates over who was the best baby-sitter"

The boy who loved the Baby-Sitters Club.

Suddenly I have minions now

"One day I’m going about my daily life as an Asset Manager at Goldman Sachs, and the next I have hundreds of otherworldly creatures following me around, attempting to heed my every command. It is by far the strangest thing to ever happen to me.

Why are the Minions not following ISIS? Am I really worse than ISIS?

I have to admit that it does hurt my feelings that the cute little guys seem to think I’m a bad guy. I have asked the Minions why they are following me, but I cannot understand their language. It seems to consist of gibberish, pushing, and the occasional Spanish. There are human traffickers out in the world, but they picked me. What does that say about my character?

I want to give the Minions something to do, but I work a lot with Excel. Have you ever tried to explain Excel to Minions? They are not ideal for data entry. The other day I asked for a cup of coffee and they turned the Keurig into a bomb. That’s just unacceptable workplace behavior."

Last Ham4Ham

"Congratulations!"

Who’s more harmful: Women in burqas or men in suits?

"But I was sacked (without explanation) by a man in a suit. Men in suits missold me pensions and endowments, costing me thousands of pounds." (Washington Post)

I won't argue this.

Harassing women: as usual, the world is absolutely cool with that

“The more I try to do something about it, the worse it gets for me,” she says. She’s been struggling with anxiety. “I felt like they were basically saying, ‘What do you want us to do? Your body is going to be touched. Your body is not your own,’ ” she says. “I went through my whole life thinking if something ever happened to me, of course there would be recourse. Now that I realize there isn’t, it’s a scarier world.”

"The essay goes on for 1,500 words, even though it could easily have been edited down to just, “Ignore women’s social cues and body language to try to get what you want.”

Don't take this guy's dating advice.

Monica Hesse (Washington Post) busted out some headphone poetry over this.

Yesterday half your comrades were ordered to shout “Smile!” at the Woman Who Is Walking.
And the woman did. Too wide.
So wide that her mouth engulfed the street and became a vast cavern.
Six of your friends were devoured.
You could hear the unladylike slurping sounds from blocks away as you beat a hasty retreat between the Scylla of the Woman Who Has Put Her Bag Next To Her On A Bar Stool and the Charybdis of the Woman Who Is Just Jogging.
You did not attempt to speak to either of them.
They passed you.
You were left unscathed.

But that was before they came to your apartment and gave you the orders.

So here you are.
It has come to this.

You are about to talk to the Woman in Headphones.
My God, I pity you.
You are close now. Almost in range.
Before The Woman and behind her the ground is littered with shoes and hats and pick-up manuals and AXE body spray.
She sits patiently gnawing on a thigh bone.
You do not think she is single or looking.
You cannot make out the words she is listening to.

You know how this will go.
You know what the headphones mean.
You know what will happen when you ask her to remove the headphones.

How to Talk To A Woman Who is Trying To Take A Dump.

"ironic how I put a crazy video out, right, and then you got a bullshit-ass story."

Chris Brown continues to be a horrible person, says stuff like, "All y’all can suck a fart out of my ass for all I care," plugs his new video, while in the middle of a police standoff. 

Dude, I don't care if you're a father (though I feel sorry for your kid) or if you're an entertainer, you're a colossal douche. I'm sorry you had an abusive childhood and I am really sorry you're continuing acting like that. You don't seem to have much in the way of character or integrity. 

This is probably the most hilarious Weiner article I've seen and there have been plenty

Anthony Weiner and the rise of dick pics, explained.

Seriously, we need "dick pics" explained? OH YES WE DO APPARENTLY.

"Weiner is like the Icarus of dick pictures and sexts, if Icarus were given three sets of wings and multiple chances not to burn and drown in the sea."

Bwahahahah. But first, let's explain the concept for those of you who missed the Internet!

"A dick is a nickname frequently applied to male genitalia. Dicks, on their own, are neutral. They vary in size, shape, and appearance. People often project subjective traits onto dicks, like saying a dick is good when it’s aesthetically pleasing and of satisfactory size and girth.

And a dick pic is a picture of a dick.

The term "dick" can also refer to a person — usually in a negative sense, to refer to someone who is selfish, irritating, or stubborn. There is an entire world of slurs based on male and female genitalia, which seems a bit unfair to genitalia since genitalia on its own never really harmed or slighted anyone."

DUH.

Then it goes into the study and science of dick pics, how women SERIOUSLY DON'T WANT THEM AND YET YOU SEND THEM ANYWAY, and why? Because that works with men, darn it! 

Now let's go back to Weiner....

"The first rule of sexting, as Weiner has found out three times, is that you must understand the person your dick pic is intended for might not necessarily be the only one who sees it."

Why do I think this guy and Hugo Schwyzer would hit it off somehow? Just the narcissism and attention whoring alone.

Then the article asks the Big Question:

"If dick pics are so common, what makes Anthony Weiner’s dick pics so awful?

"A photo of a lounging adult male with semi-recumbent genitalia is an intriguing mystery, a chance to discover whether you've arrived just in time or a moment too late. But the addition of a child's innocent face anywhere in the frame transforms it from mystery into horror. No one wants to see that. There are images whose very existence makes the universe a worse place in which to be alive."

I did a dramatic reading of this last paragraph while at my volunteer job. 

But besides that, why is he so bad? Because every time he does it, he claims he's a changed man and is gonna stop, and then doesn't. 

"Over the past five years, Weiner has lost his job and his marriage, and damaged his relationship with his child (custody seems very slim given the circumstances), because he has repeatedly sent women pictures of his genitalia while promising us that he isn’t that guy.

And now that we’re in the third cycle of this pattern, the most egregious thing about Weiner isn’t so much the sexts he’s sending (although the picture with his child is undoubtedly foul) but rather the discussion of whether this man might have a more serious, compulsive problem or sex addiction.

Dicks aren’t supposed to make you sad. Yet this one, this Weiner, has managed to do just that."

That white Afro was fake

"Before he could change it back, though, the perm became his company’s logo — Ross hated it. “He could never, ever, ever change his hair, and he was so mad about that,” Kowalski says. “He got tired of that curly hair.”

Interview with a catcaller.

Well, this made me want to hit my head into the wall. What a guy. Thinks he's a nice guy, is acting like a creeper, sorta knows it but won't stop. (mp3 link here.) Except...well...someone else was also annoyed, but she also nails what it's like to listen to this:

"It became clear that Jerome wasn't wilfully cruel, he just wasn't very clever; his view on the world was narrow and he lacked the empathy to see how yelling at women on the street, and treating them like handbag-carrying vaginas, wasn't OK."

However...when she interviews him a second time in the mp3 link, he said he stopped catcalling. Wow.

The fairy tale heroine's journey

A very good read.